I think this is quite an interesting take on an Assassin's guild - the means of recruiting is excellent.
From the perspective of presentation, there are some odd phrasings and some of the sentences seem rather clipped.
Not sure to what level to comment, but one suggestion presented many a time on this site is read your submission to yourself and see if it makes sense. Interestingly the lead in story told by the new recruit has better structure to me then the rest of the sub.
If I may present one example:
"They believe that there is an afterlife of paradise for them and over the next six years they learn everything about Amirah the Prophet, the House of Sand, and the Queen of Sand. Along with learning of their new found religion. "
"Along with learning of their new found religion." does not sound like a correct sentence to me, more of an afterthought.
I would break up this into two sentences, one indicating their belief, and the other included what they trained in.
Again this is my opinion, and I'm just a computer geek.
Nit-picking aside, I think this is a really good post. Overall, a 4/5 from me. Go to Comment
13. Minor acts of sabotage being occurring. Items on site are stolen or damaged, and purchased goods are sometimes substandard, stolen en route, or otherwise interfered with.
14. The digging uncovers a surprisingly recent corpse.
This should happen after other events which seem calculated to slow/stop the escavation have occurred, such as sabotage. The corpse is a murder victim and the murder had inadvertently selected the ruins as a good place to hide the corpse. The ruins previously were shunned due fear (substantiated or not) of evil spirits. The murderer may have instigated the sabotage either directly, or indirectly.
15. Hordes of poor peasants show up daily with digging equipment and begin digging everywhere. Rumors of the treasure have spread and the large unreasoning mob is desperate and grows every day. Depending on their desperation, they may try and run the PC's out of their claim. Go to Comment
Unless people rescue this sub with more good additions, I know what my vote is going to be. The amount of work done on this sub looks to be under 5 minutes.
2. Needs more added by original author - otherwise it should have been left an idea seed.
In addition to Moonhunter's concerns.
#1 is going to need more then a hand if they want to hold a pistol.
Mutant #2 is going to have problems with normal life - they can't do heavy work, play catch, fight, etc, without risking severe pain and probable injury. Imagine if they accidently put their hand on a stove?
Ruminant Digestive System - Allows the mutant to digest cellulose, allowing grass, paper, etc to be effectively used as food. Advanced forms would allow wood and similar materials to be effectively eaten (Though dental mutations would also be required).
Mutant may develop a distinctive pot-belly to accommodate the additional organs.
Advanced Digestive System - Mutant is able to derive nutrition from any non-corrosive carbon-based compound (ie. Crude Oil, plastics, etc).
Exotic Digestive System - Mutant is able to derive nutrition from bizarre chemical compounds -Chemosynthesis - any which contain chemical energy (eg. Hydrogen Sulfide) . Will require additional mutations to protect the body from the effects of such chemicals. Go to Comment
The Dragon can easily be swapped out for any similar Mystic Scale monster, all one needs to do is change the meaning of the word Haern. If desired, I can add the dragon as a sub, but there are enough suitable dragons out there to fit the bill. Go to Comment
I'm liking where this is going. A little dry, but perfectly appropriate for the subject matter. If you ever read the book Spacewreck, Spacecraft 2100-2200AD , or Laguna Wars this would fit in prefectly with their tone, one which I've always loved!
Will be converting some of the notables in this sub to Stubs and then Subs as time allows.
In some ways it's like making an onion - you always need to add another layer :)
I will be elaborating on the home city, its politics and culture as time allows, but for now it is a large, middle-easternlike maritime city. There are two major ethinic division with the minority in power. Herithi is part of the majority which is oppressed, Cardos (and all other government figures) are part of the minority.
Once every decade on the eve of St. Poskov's Day during mid-winter, the coastal city of Tiyabon experiences a horrific event. Quool's Tide rolls in, depositing hundreds of bloated, fish-eaten corpses upon the pebbly shores of Tiyabon's wide bay. This singularity is to this day unexplained, though countless theories abound. It is said for example, that these corpses are not eaten by the myriad fish of the seas completely, due to the fear all creatures of the seas hold for Quool.
Named for Quool, a terrible, antediluvian god of seas and storms, who no longer exists for he has no worshipers, the Tide chokes the beaches and surf with the countless rotting bodies of those who had perished at sea in a violent way.
Almost immediately, the lifeless corpses are fed upon by crabs, gulls, and worse things that await the horrid feast. The townsfolk let nature take it course with disinterested disgust, though lately some enterprising adventurers have taken to searching along the beaches of flesh for former deceased companions, with intentions of raising them again!
Surprisingly no undead ever rise from among the many corpses. This is also a mystery.
Encounter ( Water ) | January 19, 2014 |