Strolen\s Citadel content. 
The House of Sand
Society/ Organizations  (Criminal/Espionage)   (World Wide)
valadaar's comment on 2006-12-22 11:10 AM
I think this is quite an interesting take on an Assassin's guild - the means of recruiting is excellent.

From the perspective of presentation, there are some odd phrasings and some of the sentences seem rather clipped.

Not sure to what level to comment, but one suggestion presented many a time on this site is read your submission to yourself and see if it makes sense. Interestingly the lead in story told by the new recruit has better structure to me then the rest of the sub.

If I may present one example:

"They believe that there is an afterlife of paradise for them and over the next six years they learn everything about Amirah the Prophet, the House of Sand, and the Queen of Sand. Along with learning of their new found religion. "

"Along with learning of their new found religion." does not sound like a correct sentence to me, more of an afterthought.

I would break up this into two sentences, one indicating their belief, and the other included what they trained in.

Again this is my opinion, and I'm just a computer geek.

Nit-picking aside, I think this is a really good post. Overall, a 4/5 from me. Go to Comment
The Highwayman's Vials
Plots  (Discovery)   (Single-Storyline)
valadaar's comment on 2006-12-21 07:20 PM
Neat format - not as developed as most of your other subs, but excellent nonetheless! Go to Comment
Dungeon Trimmings
Plots  (Discovery)   (Encounter)
valadaar's comment on 2006-12-21 01:40 PM
What Moonhunter said. This is incorrectly named and categorized.

A collection of plots/events around a Dig could be a more useful submission. Go to Comment
Dungeon Trimmings
Plots  (Discovery)   (Encounter)
valadaar's comment on 2006-12-21 04:06 PM
13. Minor acts of sabotage being occurring. Items on site are stolen or damaged, and purchased goods are sometimes substandard, stolen en route, or otherwise interfered with.

14. The digging uncovers a surprisingly recent corpse.
This should happen after other events which seem calculated to slow/stop the escavation have occurred, such as sabotage. The corpse is a murder victim and the murder had inadvertently selected the ruins as a good place to hide the corpse. The ruins previously were shunned due fear (substantiated or not) of evil spirits. The murderer may have instigated the sabotage either directly, or indirectly.

15. Hordes of poor peasants show up daily with digging equipment and begin digging everywhere. Rumors of the treasure have spread and the large unreasoning mob is desperate and grows every day. Depending on their desperation, they may try and run the PC's out of their claim. Go to Comment
Dungeon Trimmings
Plots  (Discovery)   (Encounter)
valadaar's comment on 2006-12-21 04:08 PM
Figure I'd add to it since I opened my mouth :) Go to Comment
Local Winter Holidays
Locations  (City)   (Any)
valadaar's comment on 2006-12-21 11:22 AM
These are really good! Boxing matches on Boxing day? Heh! Go to Comment
Local History
Locations  (City)   (Any)
valadaar's comment on 2006-12-21 10:00 AM
Really good idea for a scroll, and the entries already on it are top notch!

Kudos one and all! Go to Comment
Mutants with useful mutations
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Any)
valadaar's comment on 2006-12-21 10:11 AM
Unless people rescue this sub with more good additions, I know what my vote is going to be. The amount of work done on this sub looks to be under 5 minutes.

1. Spellcheck
2. Needs more added by original author - otherwise it should have been left an idea seed.
In addition to Moonhunter's concerns.

#1 is going to need more then a hand if they want to hold a pistol.

Mutant #2 is going to have problems with normal life - they can't do heavy work, play catch, fight, etc, without risking severe pain and probable injury. Imagine if they accidently put their hand on a stove?

etc. Go to Comment
Mutants with useful mutations
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Any)
valadaar's comment on 2006-12-22 10:13 AM
Ruminant Digestive System - Allows the mutant to digest cellulose, allowing grass, paper, etc to be effectively used as food. Advanced forms would allow wood and similar materials to be effectively eaten (Though dental mutations would also be required).
Mutant may develop a distinctive pot-belly to accommodate the additional organs.

Advanced Digestive System - Mutant is able to derive nutrition from any non-corrosive carbon-based compound (ie. Crude Oil, plastics, etc).

Exotic Digestive System - Mutant is able to derive nutrition from bizarre chemical compounds -Chemosynthesis - any which contain chemical energy (eg. Hydrogen Sulfide) . Will require additional mutations to protect the body from the effects of such chemicals. Go to Comment
Mutants with useful mutations
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Any)
valadaar's comment on 2007-11-28 01:50 PM
Okay, knowing that it was not intended as a normal sub cools my temper a lot. My apologies Munald! Go to Comment
The Scratching Stone
Locations  (Other)   (Other)
valadaar's comment on 2006-12-20 01:24 PM
The Dragon can easily be swapped out for any similar Mystic Scale monster, all one needs to do is change the meaning of the word Haern. If desired, I can add the dragon as a sub, but there are enough suitable dragons out there to fit the bill. Go to Comment
The Scratching Stone
Locations  (Other)   (Other)
valadaar's comment on 2006-12-21 02:51 PM
The Pictorial idea is great! Since the old culture is mostly stone-age (with experiments with copper and later bronze) cave paintings fit in quite nicely.

The paintings could depict the battle between the Dragon and the Alun gods (monster with big teeth, lots of dead stick-people) and a rough image of the stone. Go to Comment
The Scratching Stone
Locations  (Other)   (Other)
valadaar's comment on 2006-12-21 09:33 PM
Can't believe I had misspelled 'slab'.... Go to Comment
King Nemeroud, the Helletouched
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Political)
valadaar's comment on 2006-12-19 07:50 PM
I'd say he's already started.....

Awesome! Go to Comment
Fissionable Core
Items  (SpaceShips)   (Campaign Defining)
valadaar's comment on 2006-12-19 03:25 PM
I'm liking where this is going. A little dry, but perfectly appropriate for the subject matter. If you ever read the book Spacewreck, Spacecraft 2100-2200AD , or Laguna Wars this would fit in prefectly with their tone, one which I've always loved!

http://www.g7sta.demon.co.uk/spacewreck.html


Can't wait to see how this Hegemony grows! Go to Comment
Wings of Archimos
Items  (Transports)   (Non-Magical)
valadaar's comment on 2006-12-19 03:36 PM
Interesting. Given the world described with the iffy flight magic, this item is perfectly logical!

For worlds with better or more predictible flight magic, it still would serve a a good backup in case of premature expiration of spell duration, hostile magics, etc.

Or, for that matter, to sneak into areas where magic detection is in effect. Go to Comment
Icathian Magic
Systems  (Mystical)   (Defining)
valadaar's comment on 2013-12-11 09:51 AM
In work, perhaps, but this is still a worthy submission that should get the attention it deserves!

Go to Comment
Herithi the Beggar
NPCs  (Major)   (Mystical)
valadaar's comment on 2006-12-18 12:22 PM
Will be converting some of the notables in this sub to Stubs and then Subs as time allows.

In some ways it's like making an onion - you always need to add another layer :)

I will be elaborating on the home city, its politics and culture as time allows, but for now it is a large, middle-easternlike maritime city. There are two major ethinic division with the minority in power. Herithi is part of the majority which is oppressed, Cardos (and all other government figures) are part of the minority.

Note to self: Who makes an onion?? Go to Comment
Herithi the Beggar
NPCs  (Major)   (Mystical)
valadaar's comment on 2012-05-15 07:16 PM
Thanks - he's up with Tohm Bones as my own favorites !

Go to Comment
''Creeper'' Jose
NPCs  (Minor)   (Natural)
valadaar's comment on 2006-12-18 02:07 PM
An interesting sub with a lot of detail and extensive description, but it is somewhat decreased by a number of spelling and gramatical errors.

"Nay, these parasites gave their swarms of horned vermin the freedom to devour much of the jungle into dessert,"
I'm assuming you mean Desert, though dessert can work in that context :) Go to Comment
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