I think this is quite an interesting take on an Assassin's guild - the means of recruiting is excellent.
From the perspective of presentation, there are some odd phrasings and some of the sentences seem rather clipped.
Not sure to what level to comment, but one suggestion presented many a time on this site is read your submission to yourself and see if it makes sense. Interestingly the lead in story told by the new recruit has better structure to me then the rest of the sub.
If I may present one example:
"They believe that there is an afterlife of paradise for them and over the next six years they learn everything about Amirah the Prophet, the House of Sand, and the Queen of Sand. Along with learning of their new found religion. "
"Along with learning of their new found religion." does not sound like a correct sentence to me, more of an afterthought.
I would break up this into two sentences, one indicating their belief, and the other included what they trained in.
Again this is my opinion, and I'm just a computer geek.
Nit-picking aside, I think this is a really good post. Overall, a 4/5 from me. Go to Comment
13. Minor acts of sabotage being occurring. Items on site are stolen or damaged, and purchased goods are sometimes substandard, stolen en route, or otherwise interfered with.
14. The digging uncovers a surprisingly recent corpse.
This should happen after other events which seem calculated to slow/stop the escavation have occurred, such as sabotage. The corpse is a murder victim and the murder had inadvertently selected the ruins as a good place to hide the corpse. The ruins previously were shunned due fear (substantiated or not) of evil spirits. The murderer may have instigated the sabotage either directly, or indirectly.
15. Hordes of poor peasants show up daily with digging equipment and begin digging everywhere. Rumors of the treasure have spread and the large unreasoning mob is desperate and grows every day. Depending on their desperation, they may try and run the PC's out of their claim. Go to Comment
Unless people rescue this sub with more good additions, I know what my vote is going to be. The amount of work done on this sub looks to be under 5 minutes.
2. Needs more added by original author - otherwise it should have been left an idea seed.
In addition to Moonhunter's concerns.
#1 is going to need more then a hand if they want to hold a pistol.
Mutant #2 is going to have problems with normal life - they can't do heavy work, play catch, fight, etc, without risking severe pain and probable injury. Imagine if they accidently put their hand on a stove?
Ruminant Digestive System - Allows the mutant to digest cellulose, allowing grass, paper, etc to be effectively used as food. Advanced forms would allow wood and similar materials to be effectively eaten (Though dental mutations would also be required).
Mutant may develop a distinctive pot-belly to accommodate the additional organs.
Advanced Digestive System - Mutant is able to derive nutrition from any non-corrosive carbon-based compound (ie. Crude Oil, plastics, etc).
Exotic Digestive System - Mutant is able to derive nutrition from bizarre chemical compounds -Chemosynthesis - any which contain chemical energy (eg. Hydrogen Sulfide) . Will require additional mutations to protect the body from the effects of such chemicals. Go to Comment