I think is really cool - it may not be fleshed out (heh) but it paints the idea clear. It could be a mystery at first for PC's and perhaps later once they perhaps work for the group that has it, ends up being used by them. Go to Comment
I think this is quite an interesting take on an Assassin's guild - the means of recruiting is excellent.
From the perspective of presentation, there are some odd phrasings and some of the sentences seem rather clipped.
Not sure to what level to comment, but one suggestion presented many a time on this site is read your submission to yourself and see if it makes sense. Interestingly the lead in story told by the new recruit has better structure to me then the rest of the sub.
If I may present one example:
"They believe that there is an afterlife of paradise for them and over the next six years they learn everything about Amirah the Prophet, the House of Sand, and the Queen of Sand. Along with learning of their new found religion. "
"Along with learning of their new found religion." does not sound like a correct sentence to me, more of an afterthought.
I would break up this into two sentences, one indicating their belief, and the other included what they trained in.
Again this is my opinion, and I'm just a computer geek.
Nit-picking aside, I think this is a really good post. Overall, a 4/5 from me. Go to Comment