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Jacob Latris
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Mystical)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-26 01:20 PM
An interesting character, though I would like some suggestions or plot ideas to use him. Of course he could be popped into the game as a generic diabolist, but there is more to him than that.

There are some odd sentences, including some run-on-sentences that are distracting to me.

It also needs run through a spell checker - there are a fair number of typos.

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Lady Delores Briggs
NPCs  (Major)   (Political)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-26 10:36 AM
Very good - she has a lot of uses, and reminds me of the Vivisectionist in the Thieves World.

Given the nature of many ancient cultures, her treatment of condemned prisoners is not that unbelievable.

I also think she must have been pretty close to being off her rocker to start with :) Go to Comment
The Rosomakha
Society/ Organizations  (Agricultural)   (Area)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-26 10:26 AM
These feel like a sort of Amish Dwarf - with some things reversed, like the beards of course.

They add needed diversity to the culture of the dwarves, who being a smart and adaptive race like others really should not be tied to specific geographies. I'd like to see a fantasy world where the borders are more in line with those in our world. I.e. generally where they are easiest to defend. Dwarves,Elves, orcs would have realms that potentially include hills,mountains, plains - whatever their numbers and power allow them to hold. Go to Comment
Pra'Eimus, the Grand Archer
Articles  (Character)   (Citadel Help)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-26 10:13 AM
I have to agree with Gossamer. Also, since I understand English is not your first language, I would suggest using a word processor (libreoffice is free) that includes grammar checking.

The meaning is reasonably clear, but the shifting of tenses and the absence of 'ed in various places is too distracting to give the idea itself a proper review.

Please let me know if you would like line-by-line feedback on this one. :)

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Fena, the Demon Goddess
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Religious)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-26 09:18 AM
I like the idea, especially since one religions angels could be another's demons. Scras's comments best echo my thoughts here.

Any influence by Hera?
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30 Prisons
Locations  (Fortification)   (Any)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-25 09:05 AM
An excellent, expansive sub which brings to light(?) many corners of your world. There are several movie settings here :) Go to Comment
Ahkti: The Great Ancestor
Society/ Organizations  (Religious)   (Trans World)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-24 08:41 PM
I love the history of this religion, though its actual tenants and worship are very light in detail. I expect this was intentional, but it loses a bit of flavour thereby.

Great writing and detail. Plot hooks are good, and I like how you tied it into the future. Go to Comment
Ahkti: The Great Ancestor
Society/ Organizations  (Religious)   (Trans World)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-24 08:41 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
The Shield of St. John
Items  (Armor)   (Non-Magical)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-24 08:35 PM
A good sub, though very specific in its application.

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Randy's Janitorial Services
Society/ Organizations  (Criminal/Espionage)   (World Wide)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-23 02:26 PM
A great location - though given the size/quantity of the equipment down there, there would have to be another entrance - a cargo elevator that perhaps leads to a mom n' pop garage a block or so away. That way you could have a vehicle lift and garage.

This would also be where the debris from all the underground escalation could be extracted.

Apparently I have logistics on the brain for some reason :)

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The Prophet John
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Religious)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-23 01:59 PM
Not bad, the secret certainly helped it. I have a some suggestions:


"However, usually around 1 in 10 people can make it out, as they're familiar with the terrain. "

To this, or something similar:

"Occasionally some exiles survive, either by blind luck or exceptional skills at woodcraft."

"Whatever the reason, John soon discovered a necromancy spell, as well as sorcery, that can help with one's public speaking, and your talent for it."

Such magics are not normally considered the area of necromancy, but perhaps sorcery. It feels forced - you needed him to have exceptional public speaking, and he uses necromancy, so poof - charisma enhancing spell.

I'd say instead he became possessed by some spirit during his dabbling that wanted to use him for some evil end. It helped him in his quest, grooming him for bigger things. In the end, perhaps John figured it out, and killed himself, or he began to disobey the spirit and the spirit killed him. The tomb may in fact still harbour this evil spirit.

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The Kingmakers: Final Update/Autopsy
Articles  (Campaign)   (Game Mastering)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-22 11:22 AM
A great rundown. Sorry for your campaign.
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Scrasamax's Street Racing Treatise
Society/ Organizations  (Travelers)   (Regional)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-22 11:21 AM
Great background and inspiration material. Good job! Go to Comment
7/30 Parapsychic Martial Artists
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Combative)
valadaar's comment on 2013-10-16 09:47 AM
This was a great start and really just needs renamed to be 'done'.

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17/30 Cosmic Era NPCs
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Travelers)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-22 10:42 AM
Quite a mixed bag of characters here. Some are rather dull, but they generally improved as their numbers moved up. They felt kind of safe, without a lot of the truly dark edges that the Cosmic Era. That said, there are some that certainly could be the keystone for an adventure, or a significant element.

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Organic Memory Core
Items  (Other)   (Cursed)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-21 11:12 AM
A bit Soylent green here :)

It fits well with the Technomacabre nature of your world. And, what MysticMoon said.

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Organic Memory Core
Items  (Other)   (Cursed)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-21 11:13 AM
Only voted Go to Comment
Systems  (Divine/ Spirit)   (Specific)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-16 09:11 AM
A very good religion - very 'realistic' :).

Now, what significance do such things as lunar eclipses have? What about those times of the year where the moon is plainly visible during the day?

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The Books of the Holders update
Locations  (Establishment)   (Other)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-13 09:02 AM
What problem did you have with the update? What error did you receive?
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The Books of the Holders update
Locations  (Establishment)   (Other)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-13 09:48 AM
Ah, when you changed it to a location, there are drop downs for type and environment that need to be changed as well.

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