Strolen\s Citadel content. 
The Timeless Pocket Watch
Items  (Jewelry)   (Magical)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-30 12:05 PM
A great item with lots of potential.    It is really well done, though one of Gossamer's questions highlights a minor formatting issue - some of the paragraphs need to be broken up. For example, even the description could benefit from being broken into more paragraphs - I would do so at the
"The glass, which protects"
and
" An expert watchmaker " 
 I think the watch would draw its power from the life-potential lost by its users due to the ageing, and so those with longer lifespans that humans would simply be aged a greater amount consistent with their extended lifespans. I'd rule Immortals could not use the item at all for the same reason. 
 Gossamer - the question on manipulation is in there, though it may have been added since you read it, but it is buried deep in a paragraph.

..."They will find it just as easy to move things as it was when time was not frozen, they could open doors, move people, but would not be able to manipulate anything too heavy for them, objects in this environment also defy gravity, and will float in the air if placed there"
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Lover's Downfall
Items  (Art and Music)   (Magical)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-30 08:10 AM
Short, simple and good. It has a Friday the 13th (TV series) feel to it. Go to Comment
Oscv 02 Baleful Eye
Items  (SpaceShips)   (Combat)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-28 10:14 AM
I like these - I have put a little thought into this area as well. I would add a network of xray-laser mines as well. These would be scattered all about, running cold with just enough energy to monitor laser-communications with the Eyes, to avoid their detection.The source would most probably be an RTG using the nuclear warhead carried to generate the x-ray blast.

The Eyes would have all the sensors/intelligence and would use lasers to communicate with the mines, giving them their very simple instructions - a target vector - to fire upon.



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Progressive Stiletto
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Combat)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-28 10:09 AM
I like these - simple items that can be used for a lot of things. This thing really is sort of pocket-sized Bangalore Torpedo. Go to Comment
Progressive Stiletto
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Combat)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-28 10:10 AM
Only voted Go to Comment
The Flight of Retribution
Plots  (Hired)   (Single-Storyline)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-27 07:53 PM
I personally do not like scripted plots once PC's are on the scenes, so I'd have the PCs awakened by a panicked crewmember. For some reason, perhaps they were overlooked in the confusion, the PC's come on the scene just before the discovery of the demons - the power outage threw them out of sleep, hard, and they emerge disoriented.

From that point on, they can influence the continued unfolding of events.

In any case, this is only my take on it above what has been said about the demons. I'd have at least filed the names off em :)



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The Flight of Retribution
Plots  (Hired)   (Single-Storyline)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-27 07:54 PM
Kudos on an excellent and well-made plot!

I personally do not like scripted plots once PC's are on the scenes, so I'd have the PCs awakened by a panicked crewmember slightly before the demons are discovered - perhaps they were overlooked in the confusion. they come out with all hell breaking lose.

From that point on, they can influence the continued unfolding of events.

In any case, this is only my take on it above what has been said about the demons. I'd have at least filed the names off em :)



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Key, Quill, and Seal
Items  (Other)   (Magical)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-27 07:43 PM
A great set of relics. One can not have too many of those, and these have a lot of uses. Go to Comment
Sila'Khrysath - The Great Sand Wyrm.
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Desert)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-27 11:58 AM
Great creature, great selection of images. Love the battery :)

I agree with the Gossamer's point - I would not use the anachronistic description, regardless of its accuracy. Perhaps describe it as an oddly buzzing whistle?

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Jacob Latris
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Mystical)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-26 01:20 PM
An interesting character, though I would like some suggestions or plot ideas to use him. Of course he could be popped into the game as a generic diabolist, but there is more to him than that.

There are some odd sentences, including some run-on-sentences that are distracting to me.

It also needs run through a spell checker - there are a fair number of typos.





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Lady Delores Briggs
NPCs  (Major)   (Political)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-26 10:36 AM
Very good - she has a lot of uses, and reminds me of the Vivisectionist in the Thieves World.

Given the nature of many ancient cultures, her treatment of condemned prisoners is not that unbelievable.

I also think she must have been pretty close to being off her rocker to start with :) Go to Comment
The Rosomakha
Society/ Organizations  (Agricultural)   (Area)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-26 10:26 AM
These feel like a sort of Amish Dwarf - with some things reversed, like the beards of course.

They add needed diversity to the culture of the dwarves, who being a smart and adaptive race like others really should not be tied to specific geographies. I'd like to see a fantasy world where the borders are more in line with those in our world. I.e. generally where they are easiest to defend. Dwarves,Elves, orcs would have realms that potentially include hills,mountains, plains - whatever their numbers and power allow them to hold. Go to Comment
Pra'Eimus, the Grand Archer
Articles  (Character)   (Citadel Help)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-26 10:13 AM
I have to agree with Gossamer. Also, since I understand English is not your first language, I would suggest using a word processor (libreoffice is free) that includes grammar checking.

The meaning is reasonably clear, but the shifting of tenses and the absence of 'ed in various places is too distracting to give the idea itself a proper review.

Please let me know if you would like line-by-line feedback on this one. :)

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Fena, the Demon Goddess
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Religious)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-26 09:18 AM
I like the idea, especially since one religions angels could be another's demons. Scras's comments best echo my thoughts here.

Any influence by Hera?
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30 Prisons
Locations  (Fortification)   (Any)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-25 09:05 AM
An excellent, expansive sub which brings to light(?) many corners of your world. There are several movie settings here :) Go to Comment
Ahkti: The Great Ancestor
Society/ Organizations  (Religious)   (Trans World)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-24 08:41 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
Ahkti: The Great Ancestor
Society/ Organizations  (Religious)   (Trans World)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-24 08:41 PM
I love the history of this religion, though its actual tenants and worship are very light in detail. I expect this was intentional, but it loses a bit of flavour thereby.

Great writing and detail. Plot hooks are good, and I like how you tied it into the future. Go to Comment
The Shield of St. John
Items  (Armor)   (Non-Magical)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-24 08:35 PM
A good sub, though very specific in its application.

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Randy's Janitorial Services
Society/ Organizations  (Criminal/Espionage)   (World Wide)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-23 02:26 PM
A great location - though given the size/quantity of the equipment down there, there would have to be another entrance - a cargo elevator that perhaps leads to a mom n' pop garage a block or so away. That way you could have a vehicle lift and garage.

This would also be where the debris from all the underground escalation could be extracted.


Apparently I have logistics on the brain for some reason :)


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The Prophet John
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Religious)
valadaar's comment on 2013-08-23 01:59 PM
Not bad, the secret certainly helped it. I have a some suggestions:

Change

"However, usually around 1 in 10 people can make it out, as they're familiar with the terrain. "

To this, or something similar:

"Occasionally some exiles survive, either by blind luck or exceptional skills at woodcraft."

"Whatever the reason, John soon discovered a necromancy spell, as well as sorcery, that can help with one's public speaking, and your talent for it."

Such magics are not normally considered the area of necromancy, but perhaps sorcery. It feels forced - you needed him to have exceptional public speaking, and he uses necromancy, so poof - charisma enhancing spell.

I'd say instead he became possessed by some spirit during his dabbling that wanted to use him for some evil end. It helped him in his quest, grooming him for bigger things. In the end, perhaps John figured it out, and killed himself, or he began to disobey the spirit and the spirit killed him. The tomb may in fact still harbour this evil spirit.








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