"The elves took the forests, the dwarves took the mines, the goblins and humans took the farmlands, and the orcs took what was left"

There is a lot of history here, but the tropes are so strong they are uninspired. That the elves caused a downfall by not allowing forests to be cut is very one-dimensional and simplistic. Even among humans there are many nuances with how groups relate with each other.

It seems to be a rewrite of WWII in some aspects, with Aetius holding the title name.

It works - obviously the real world history that it draws from happened, but it seems forced to fit that mold, What is not explained, for example, is really why the neighboring races did not act sooner. In the real world, the powers were still smarting from the devastating war before, and with democracies could not easily go to war.

There are a fair number of places where the text seems to contradict itself:

"By the time the buildup to the Year of the Exile came about, Kathia had grown fat on military conquest. During the beginning of the buildup, it reached a point of peace, called the Prosperitas Kathiae (translated: The Prosperity of Kathia). "

I really can't follow when they were peaceful, and when they were not. How did they grow fat on conquest at peace? How could they push into their neighbors? What kept them from squashing them when the began to get hostile. Racisim works both ways.

I guess my main complaint is that the submission really does not answer the question of how they managed to defeat all four races.







Go to Comment

A good fit for an old-school dungeon. In such an environment, the who's and the whys are unimportant, though as I have aged, those questions stick with me.

It would be nice to have some reason behind this, apart from being an unusual trap. Its power seems akin to Wish type magic's - i.e. The person's greatest fear is the End of The World and so someone would have invested a great deal of magic in its creation.

Perhaps its old purpose was as a test for some order - face your fears, overcome them. Eventually, no nightmares would come forth when then phrase was spoken, and they pass the ordeal.

Typo: wolves not wolfs

Go to Comment

Such an interesting, odd race but I echo Caesar's comments - what do they want? Are they just something to be used as a weapon or otherwise hostile encounter?

There are a few typos - for example pare - should be pair.

There are some great ideas with this race - show us how you would use them.

History:

"Little is known about the origins of the Concordare Iram. "

You are the author and we are generally GMs - not players. As a result, submissions are more useful to the GMs when such details are provided - even in summary form. Its okay for the players/Game world to have few to no details on this race, but for GMs it is generally useful to have this type of information.

Great job youngOne2!
Go to Comment

A fine artifact with everything it needs, perhaps save for how one would destroy this thing.

Nicely done! Go to Comment

Quite cool.

For constructive criticism, I would suggest reading your text out loud to yourself. There are some odd sentences that should stand out when read aloud.

Go to Comment

Good background material, but lacking in punch. Did anyone accomplish something interesting with them? Any taken over by a rogue AI or demon for that matter? :)

Go to Comment

Ok, I'll chime in on the technical stuff, since you asked :)

Moonhunter has a great set of submissions if you are going for the 'golden standard' for your subs.

http://strolen.com/viewing/Five_Best_Tips_for_Posting_on_Strolens_and_Other_Places

Specifically, the first paragraph is too long, and there are some fairly long run-on sentences which could be split into 3 sentances.

"As the boy grew older he was taught all sorts of things, from how to fight to how to have proper etiquette at a dinner table full of foreign dignitaries, until one afternoon, after a long day teaching the boy how to fight he was given the destined dagger, that day would mark the day that the kingdom of Daltum would fall."

Remove the "Until" and rework the second.

"One afternoon, after a gruelling training session , the young prince was presented with the Dagger (by who, specifically?). This afternoon would also be marked as the day."

Welcome aboard and keep up with the posting! :)




Go to Comment

As an entry in the Encylopedia Cosmic Era, this is a great entry. Love the use of images. Love veritechs! :)
Go to Comment

Again, great background detail, but it is a bit - empty - of drama. The immense issue of oxygen depetion is touched upon, but otherwise this is almost too positive a sub for the general grimness of the Cosmic Era.
Go to Comment

This is awesome! I like powerful, simple items like this and the origin is good apart from the lack of details on the benefactor.


Eventually, someone is going to try and drop it into a boiler and build a steam-driven mobile city :)
Go to Comment

I like stupendous things. This is definately such.

It is big enough to affect the planets rotation as it moves around.

http://www.ripleys.com/weird/daily-dose-of-weird-wtf-blog/strange-places-and-customs/the-science-of-the-three-gorges-dam/

Go to Comment

I like that this is your own version, for more than one reason. Not sure why this one flew under the radar, but this is a great NPC. Lots of background details, and a development of your amazons.

Good stuff!



Go to Comment

Update: Short and sweet (I hope :)) This would be an Oekaki but it was not in response to any particular quest/etc. It was done under 30 mins in one sitting though. Go to Comment

A great first sub Kal_23! I'm hoping you flesh out the NPC some more to compliment this location.

There are a couple of typos but none too bad.

Moonhunter used to give the same basic advice for new posters, and I think it good:

http://strolen.com/viewing/Five_Best_Tips_for_Posting_on_Strolens_and_Other_Places

He is looking for a very high standard in this advice - "If your post could not be part of a published fantasy novel, it needs work" which is good for writing, though the main goal of this site is to share ideas. As a result, submissions should be made with an eye towards this goal, but this is certainly not the be-all and end all.

Welcome aboard!
Go to Comment

This makes a great backdrop to such things as Gamma world and Fallout - these changes could have been in progress when the shit hit the fan. As a result, your survivors can draw from the various castes listed.

Go to Comment

It would be interesting to see a battletech game with these monsters added to it.

Go to Comment

I like this piece - always a sucker for the technical details.

One detail struck me as odd - you mention blackpowder as the propellent. Why not cordite? Blackpowder has a lot of disadvantages - not the least of which is the terrible fouling of complex machinery of which the mech would be one of.

Go to Comment

I think you can just omit any mention of the propellent when dealing with conventional projectile technology - cordite/etc is assumed. The term firearm is good enough for that as well.

Go to Comment

Again, your stuff is really well done and detailed. I get the Miriya feel from this sub as well (The female Zentraedi warrior from Robotech).

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miriya_Parina_Sterling

Go to Comment

I like it - I have a thing for magic casting decapitated heads and evil magic sacks. Good job! Go to Comment