A decent item - it certainly can make sense in a mechanics perspective, as rules associated with such things as 'favoured races' exist. What makes a little less sense is that it itself is not associated with any particular race (such as that of the trapped spirit) and treats racism much as one would treat good, evil, law, chaos..

Essentially it is a sin-blade. Go to Comment

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A really good redux, selection of the last name Pendragon gave it additional authenticity
(I hope that was your intent :))

A much more detailed and useful NPC. Mission Accomplished indeed.


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A great submission MM! The LOTR imagery is strong here, but they are an excellent elemental spirit.

Nicely done!

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A very organized and detailed plotline! It is hovering around the edge of being pre-scripted, but that is probably the only way to keep the text from becoming immense.

Also, being underwater tends to put strong controls on where and what you can do.

Great job!

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Very good, but I am having a very hard time visualizing what is described as chainmail.

Bone armour of some kind, maybe, but when you say something is chainmail we have a very strong pre-existing picture of what chainmail is and looks like.

There is little room between the metal links of chainmail for either bone or leather to be involved, while something closer to Brigadine eg. http://howtomakearmour.blogspot.ca/2012/05/making-brigandine.html, would seem more likely to me.

Apart from that, it is a neat item and an interesting background. Madness and royalty go well together.




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Ummm. Certainly different Scras :)

A very odd character. Go to Comment

"The elves took the forests, the dwarves took the mines, the goblins and humans took the farmlands, and the orcs took what was left"

There is a lot of history here, but the tropes are so strong they are uninspired. That the elves caused a downfall by not allowing forests to be cut is very one-dimensional and simplistic. Even among humans there are many nuances with how groups relate with each other.

It seems to be a rewrite of WWII in some aspects, with Aetius holding the title name.

It works - obviously the real world history that it draws from happened, but it seems forced to fit that mold, What is not explained, for example, is really why the neighboring races did not act sooner. In the real world, the powers were still smarting from the devastating war before, and with democracies could not easily go to war.

There are a fair number of places where the text seems to contradict itself:

"By the time the buildup to the Year of the Exile came about, Kathia had grown fat on military conquest. During the beginning of the buildup, it reached a point of peace, called the Prosperitas Kathiae (translated: The Prosperity of Kathia). "

I really can't follow when they were peaceful, and when they were not. How did they grow fat on conquest at peace? How could they push into their neighbors? What kept them from squashing them when the began to get hostile. Racisim works both ways.

I guess my main complaint is that the submission really does not answer the question of how they managed to defeat all four races.







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A good fit for an old-school dungeon. In such an environment, the who's and the whys are unimportant, though as I have aged, those questions stick with me.

It would be nice to have some reason behind this, apart from being an unusual trap. Its power seems akin to Wish type magic's - i.e. The person's greatest fear is the End of The World and so someone would have invested a great deal of magic in its creation.

Perhaps its old purpose was as a test for some order - face your fears, overcome them. Eventually, no nightmares would come forth when then phrase was spoken, and they pass the ordeal.

Typo: wolves not wolfs

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Such an interesting, odd race but I echo Caesar's comments - what do they want? Are they just something to be used as a weapon or otherwise hostile encounter?

There are a few typos - for example pare - should be pair.

There are some great ideas with this race - show us how you would use them.

History:

"Little is known about the origins of the Concordare Iram. "

You are the author and we are generally GMs - not players. As a result, submissions are more useful to the GMs when such details are provided - even in summary form. Its okay for the players/Game world to have few to no details on this race, but for GMs it is generally useful to have this type of information.

Great job youngOne2!
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A fine artifact with everything it needs, perhaps save for how one would destroy this thing.

Nicely done! Go to Comment

Quite cool.

For constructive criticism, I would suggest reading your text out loud to yourself. There are some odd sentences that should stand out when read aloud.

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Good background material, but lacking in punch. Did anyone accomplish something interesting with them? Any taken over by a rogue AI or demon for that matter? :)

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Ok, I'll chime in on the technical stuff, since you asked :)

Moonhunter has a great set of submissions if you are going for the 'golden standard' for your subs.

http://strolen.com/viewing/Five_Best_Tips_for_Posting_on_Strolens_and_Other_Places

Specifically, the first paragraph is too long, and there are some fairly long run-on sentences which could be split into 3 sentances.

"As the boy grew older he was taught all sorts of things, from how to fight to how to have proper etiquette at a dinner table full of foreign dignitaries, until one afternoon, after a long day teaching the boy how to fight he was given the destined dagger, that day would mark the day that the kingdom of Daltum would fall."

Remove the "Until" and rework the second.

"One afternoon, after a gruelling training session , the young prince was presented with the Dagger (by who, specifically?). This afternoon would also be marked as the day."

Welcome aboard and keep up with the posting! :)




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As an entry in the Encylopedia Cosmic Era, this is a great entry. Love the use of images. Love veritechs! :)
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Again, great background detail, but it is a bit - empty - of drama. The immense issue of oxygen depetion is touched upon, but otherwise this is almost too positive a sub for the general grimness of the Cosmic Era.
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This is awesome! I like powerful, simple items like this and the origin is good apart from the lack of details on the benefactor.


Eventually, someone is going to try and drop it into a boiler and build a steam-driven mobile city :)
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I like stupendous things. This is definately such.

It is big enough to affect the planets rotation as it moves around.

http://www.ripleys.com/weird/daily-dose-of-weird-wtf-blog/strange-places-and-customs/the-science-of-the-three-gorges-dam/

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I like that this is your own version, for more than one reason. Not sure why this one flew under the radar, but this is a great NPC. Lots of background details, and a development of your amazons.

Good stuff!



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Update: Short and sweet (I hope :)) This would be an Oekaki but it was not in response to any particular quest/etc. It was done under 30 mins in one sitting though. Go to Comment