This is a fun little item outside of the usual rounds. Is it a self-contained idea, or do you intend to create more?
One thing, that could help it (or well, make more of it), would be to consider how this item came to be. I thought of a strange rift in spacetime continuum, created by the constant wishes of people for things, which are really impossible in our reality (like those psychics). However, the rift, once created, will start to make people's wishes come true in a way - calling for something supernatural via your phone? You'll get plenty of supernatural into it. Pity you are whisked of into some untold dimension in exchange.
I have read it now (after seeing Chapter 6) and must say there is indeed imagination and a lot of juicy content (sans those typos). The untrustworthy, well-groomed, proud Ivanvil would make for quite some encounters and tricky roleplaying. Good thing that.
Hope the other chapters will come too! (And hey, you can use a Codex to put them all together into a book, giving perhaps some more identity to the speaker.) Go to Comment
Okay, a priestly order focused on the sky instead of a specific god, why not. One point that comes to mind immediately is that most of them stay up late, all night long... and have a strangely inverted daily cycle if compared to most of the world. That could produce some nice quirks.
The devices, I'm afraid, need to be researched. You should decide, whether they have telescopes or not (don't have to be very advanced). Either way there will be your intricate models and the far descendants of Stonehenge-like recording of key stellar constellations. You could detect some fantasy additions like magic detectors to recognize the most important events, if it feels appropriate.
Then: Bronsial the Sleepy. An important figure, looks always tired, he famously retires for only one hour a day. Advisor of kings, patient observer and a frequent unofficial speaker of the order, he is all over the place. He resembles a long, slightly wobbling nail, a too large head with the body as an afterthought. Go to Comment
No hurrying has paid off and I could savor parts of it over several days. Great work!
What I like is, though they may be solitary, you get a feel of the community of these long-living creatures. At times it felt almost officious, which didn't feel quite right, but all other elements are in sync. All the expected ones and all the exceptions, they are brief and full of substance. Me likey. Go to Comment
Now this isn't my preferred game genre, but I can see it being put to good use. Mech units - really, most military units - have someone in the background to take care of things while they rise to their glory or death. It's a solid amount of information but not too much, suitable as a template for another game or even to take over most of it.
There are some minor typos and the formatting could be improved, as with any complicated list - but those are minor quibbles. (If you plan to build upon it, you should consider splitting it into a scroll.) I am tempted to add a bit more potential for conflict to the personalities, though I see it may be intentional to keep things run smoothly (also to be expected in an elite unit). In general though, it is a well-written aid few would want to write, but many would welcome to have. Go to Comment
A fun armor indeed. I particularly like, that it becomes so annoying over time, needing to get used to the wearer. Poor thing will always end up caring for whoever is inside, driving them crazy until they get rid of it. Care to trade one item for another? :) Go to Comment
You could say the ship is under control while the caster supplies the magical power, or something to that effect. This does not say anything about concentration, or what happens when the power runs out - some ships would just fall apart, others will find their existence acceptable enough to endure.
(Oh, and by the way: if such a ship is for long enough without control, it might well learn something about independence... and turn against its creator.) Go to Comment
...the lack of any story won't do forever, if he says he has business somewhere, inquiring people will want to know (PCs in particular). So pick some random boring interest - like history - he could claim to be interested into, even if he spends most of the time in inns and on the road.
Now that he has a much larger importance than the wasteful son, is he connected in any way to the 'official' secret service of a king? Of course can it be left open, but especially if he works on his own, can he provoke even more action. If the key people of the enemy are dying without your help, you should find out what's going on... especially if some of them are useful.
I like that he can provoke an entire spy campaign into existence. Go to Comment