The write-up is solid and the details definitely add to the value. I _like_ that it's not an artifact or another overpowered magical staff. I fell like I could change a couple of names and use it as it without any other adjustments. Well done! Go to Comment
Oh, it's definitely not less naughty at all for the sacrifice to be a full-on sacrifice, not at all. I could see the idea behind it being that the sacrifice's life force feeds the island spirit somehow. I think it was the Aztecs that used to do the whole cut-out-your-heart-and-show-it-to-you sort of sacrifice.
Not that you need any real world or mythological basis. It just seemed unusual and a little arbitrary without an explanation or story reason behind the specific mutilation and I was curious if there was something you based that on. That's all. Go to Comment
I like the concept and the background story. I feel like there is somewhat limited usefulness for the character as most often PCs are "traveling" through places, but for a party that's based in the village he's in, or if there is a plot arc that has them staying there for some time, that could make a difference.
I wonder if it might be helpful to provide PCs with some additional clues to his past if they wanted to cultivate the relationship. Maybe Derran stiffens up when a patrol of soldiers comes into the tavern, or "has to go check on something in the kitchen/stable/rooms/etc." Or maybe there is a unit tattoo he normally keeps covered up they can get a glimpse of. Or a bandage he always has on his arm that covers one. Just some ideas.
Also, this sentence seems a bit odd, like there might be a typo in there - "Eventually, he found love in the village, and married into Angela Thurswrat."
Either "... the bloody and beaten bodies of a man dangles from two (of the) poles." or "...the bloody and beaten bodies of men dangle from two (of the) poles."
There's a lot of suggestion in that, much of it wording, the only correction would be the men/a man bit.
I didn't like this at first but have quickly warmed up to it, especially after figuring out it was a 100-word challenge. There is enough in that 100 words to give me a couple of different ways this could turn out.
I liked the concept, liked the story overall. I would also say it was an abrupt ending. The leaving readers hanging bit I could take or leave - the primary argument for more clarity is that I'm curious what the author who put the rest of the well-written story together thinks should be the ending. But it just seems to wrap-up very quickly, is all. Go to Comment
You've just invented the fantasy slot machine - brilliant!
I love the idea and the story.
One suggestion, based off eleclipse's comment - maybe it's a form of money laundering for the Thieves' Guild? Your average villager or peasant is going to have coppers, maybe a silver, but not gold. But think about that from an in-character perspective - what does the Guild bribe your average watchman or clerk with? Or how would a beggar explain a pouch full of gold pieces to an honest watchman? This is a great way for a small town's Thieves' Guild to turn 1 stolen gold piece into a 110 or 110 copper pieces, which are a much more liquid form of money. Not a huge take on it's own, but if you add in the 10-20% fee they'd need to fork over to some crooked moneylender, that's a low but steady source of income (like the casino with the slot machine).
The only real problem is that it wouldn't scale in the countryside. In a city it might, but then you'd inevitably get someone investigating it.
How does Mauk keep someone else from sneaking down the well to snatch the gold and finding out his secret?
Perhaps instead of a wooden bucket, there's a couple of feet of standing water (just in case someone tries to go looking) and a fine net that allows Mauk to quickly collect his catch for the day.
I can definitely see throwing this into just about any campaign as a little side quest. Very clever! Go to Comment
I thought this was a great twist on typical dwarven lore. It seems like the idea could be inserted into most fantasy campaigns given the off-the-beaten track of the Esgol, or it seems like a great basis for a campaign in itself! Go to Comment
Gossamer, do you feel the same way about how Elves and especially Halflings are portrayed in Dark Sun? I've always thought the feral hobbits was a neat twist on how a race might evolve if exposed to extreme circumstances, and saw this submission as a similar take.
Not saying you're wrong, just curious about your perspective. Go to Comment
I've been playing a half-orc shaman for many years and I love this idea. I'd echo what The Bull said, the primary uses that came to mind for me for the drum was more ceremonial uses - having the drum enhance ritual magic, for example. Maybe preparing the tribe for battle vs. playing it during battle.
I like it, and think it could be used verily easily in most fantasy campaigns with just a little tweaking.
I appreciate that the entry is system-neutral, but do you have any suggestions as to how the hedge would respond to magic - druidic magic comes to mind - or nature-oriented characters like druids, rangers and elves. Obviously any GM using it could come up with their own answers, I was just curious what your thoughts were as the creator.
Also, fire. I get that it's green and that it won't burn easily, but most organic things will burn. Something like an additional line explaining the noxious gases that billow forth were such a strategy to be tried might be a good way to head off what seems like an obvious strategy for less nature-inclined or more pragmatic parties. Go to Comment
I get the whole "important days were double-edged" bit, but Hunter's 2nd escape came across as a little forced to me. Maybe I'm just a sucker for happy endings and don't like the idea that the bad guys are going to show up just in time to ruin some other important moment for her. I feel like if the intro had ended with her joining the Vridian order and that turned out to be an order of assassins, that would be a better starting point. But that's my take on it, and I thank you for providing such a strong introduction for the character. Go to Comment
I missed that intent you mentioned - that makes much more sense understanding that.
Maybe something like "Despite the kindness that they had shown her/despite the solace she had found there, Hunter fled once more, afraid the elders would turn on her the way her Lord had."? Just a suggestion.
But it makes more sense when you point that angle out, and I'm sure other people saw that from the way it was written originally. Go to Comment
Perhaps the entity is some demon/devil that was summoned to this crossroads and subsequently cheated out of the bargain that was struck. Now it's cursed to haunt the crossroads until it gets a replacement soul (or whatever it was cheated out of). Just a suggestion off the top of my head.
I think it's a solid idea and some excellent writing in the description.
One other suggest, perhaps there is a sign or warning that has become overgrown or that has fallen down that PCs could find if only they searched around a little bit? Go to Comment