Strolen\s Citadel content. 
Dorgen's Hammer
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Sentient)
caesar193's comment on 2013-08-04 06:05 PM
The ability seems kind of weak to me, and slightly un-dwarfy. Yes, you could do the double-tap thing, which would double the damage, but while your doing that your opponent is wailing on you. I'd think a dwarf would prefer a straightforward device that provides a more tangible reward for waiting. Perhaps the power of your strike increases the longer you wait to release the magic. Or that maybe it allows a strike that would happen in the future happen know (flip-flopping what's happening know, with applying the rune, then activating the rune). I don't know how that would work (actually, I do have an idea, but it would take to long to describe it for a comment), but it would be kind of cool.

Anyways, my question is this: did you see the picture, then write a sub about its cool features, or did you write a sub about a hammer, then find a picture that was of something similar to what you had in mind? Go to Comment
The Crossroads
Locations  (Area)   (Any)
caesar193's comment on 2013-08-04 06:29 PM
I like the gruff guy. Like SE, I feel an explanation would ruin things. And to counter Val's point, perhaps it would be better to have a couple of NPCs along who are unimportant enough and greedy enough to run ahead, take all the gold (unless a certain PC is fast enough and stupid enough to compete), and then die miserably. Go to Comment
The Dragon Mines
Locations  (Area)   (Mountains)
caesar193's comment on 2013-08-04 06:35 PM
The name for them makes a certain kind of sense now.

The only thing I'd like out of this is more details. For example, could we get a list of various mines, or perhaps a couple of examples? So that we could know such things as working conditions, and things like that. Go to Comment
Locations  (Fortification)   (Any)
caesar193's comment on 2013-08-04 06:41 PM
Thought-provoking. One doesn't really think of the little people who do all the hard-work fixing the things the famed pilot wrecks. And its an excellent point that these mechs would need a hangar to care for them.

My question is how big are the mechs. Are they like suits that fit around a human's body, or does the pilot fit comfortably inside the very tip of the head? Go to Comment
Vartanadel Royalty and Nobles
Society/ Organizations  (Political)   (Country/ State)
caesar193's comment on 2013-08-04 06:49 PM
Maybe being a simple, law-abiding peasant isn't such a bad thing in Vartanadel. Go to Comment
Neo Anatolia
Locations  (Country/ State)   (Plains)
caesar193's comment on 2013-08-10 11:59 PM
I like the racial purge, and, well, everything. The movies are nice, though I kind of think that there are too many- the point of the sub is that Neo-Anatolia is a new California, party/culture capitol, all the rich/wealthy people moved there, not what movies they made. Don't get me wrong, I love each and every one of them, but if I counted them right, you've got 29 of them- why not just turn 'em into a separate, 30s sub?

And, as val said, this is like a whole campaign setting. The sheer level of details is amazing. This is getting a HoH. Go to Comment
Whitebone Book hunt
Plots  (Hired)   (Side-Quest)
caesar193's comment on 2013-07-22 03:08 PM
You should probably link your Lazarus. Whitebone Tomes, and Library subs to this, so people who lack the knowledge of your fall into being a Hellstrolenite and the whys and hows of that fall can learn of it.

Other than that, I felt that it was kind of just a repeat of what you had all ready done with the previous Whitebone Tomes sub. It was really just the addition of Lazarus (who, for the purpose of this sub, is the bartender who hands out rumors), a couple of additional ideas for the Tome's locations (the only ones that weren't all ready given as ideas for their locations was the necromancer one and the comatose viking one), and an ending betrayal.

The idea for the betrayal was nice, and the raising of Skezemo is a good one (though I do kind of want to know how it happened- from what I had gathered, Skezemo became part of the library, not the tomes. And the tomes help with summoning demons, and not mortals). The execution, too, is good. But overall, I'd say this is a 3.5 Go to Comment
City Image - Triastu
Locations  (City)   (Forest/ Jungle)
caesar193's comment on 2013-07-13 03:06 PM
Your points are all well and good. A triangular city is very illogical. All I can say on why Triastu is a triangle is that Adonis was an archaeologist, not a civil engineer.

Now, for your growth concerns: Triastu is not planning on growing. If they did, they'd either have to build on the Green (which they find useful for circuses, merchant vendors, public announcements, etc.) or expand past their wall (which they find to be more beautiful without a bunch of buildings in front of it). To avoid growth, they do three things: export people, employ people, and educate people/

First, they either exile petty criminals or execute serious criminals. Or just jail them for life. But most of the time they exile them. It's also not just criminals who leave, though: being the Holy City of Trianarianism, they also train and send priests all over Atheus to tend their flocks. Some lucky ones get sent to cities, some unlucky ones to villages.

Second, they employ people. Around the belt of forest that surrounds Triastu are farms and villages. Typically, the city will provide the homeless with a small farm by one of these villages (which also has the added benefit of improving Triastu's appearance). They do the same with the poor, who specifically ask and provide a good reason for it. There are also mines and logging industries that require workers but don't set up shop inside the city. People are sent to make a living their.

Third, they employ lots of population controls, and educate their citizens about them. They also impose heavier taxes on families with three children, with more and more taxes the higher amounts of children there are. They also have lots of healthcare, which keeps the birthrates and the death-rates roughly even. Of course, in times of plague, the taxing-children thing would be dropped. Go to Comment
That Which is Forgotten
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - In General)
caesar193's comment on 2013-06-25 11:12 PM
I really, really like the last line.

The one thing I would change is how you handle the "name change." It took me as second to realize that this new character Brand was actually Jon. I'd say right away, as soon as you decide to start calling the protagonist Brand, to have a line about the fact that the daughter told him his actual name.

But other than that, it was great. Excellent work, Dossta. Go to Comment
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Any)
caesar193's comment on 2013-04-12 10:54 PM
Update: I seem to be slightly lost physically, mentally, and emotionally on where I was going on this one. I've been updating it every so often in the segments as shown above. I kind of wanted to make the Raveten more... creepy. Strange. Terrifying. Something more for something that blows up corpses. So, yeah, here it is. The oh-most-beautiful Raveten. Don't give it a corpse. Go to Comment
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Any)
caesar193's comment on 2013-04-17 12:16 PM
The Ravetens eyes are black in adulthood. As an infant, their bloodshot. And as for the other phyical changes you suggested, well, I wanted to make it look like a Raven, with a few "tells." Like the silent thing. Go to Comment
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Any)
caesar193's comment on 2013-04-22 10:57 AM
As I said, I'm lost on this one physically, mentally, and emotionally. I guess I just don't know what I want with the Raveten. It's just that when I imagine it, I see a regular raven, but twisted slightly. Something... Off about it.

On a side note, what about exploding corpses is not strange or terrifying? Is it normal for the corpse on display on a funeral to suddenly send bone fragments and brain chunks flying at those attending? Is the sight of your buddy's corpse suddenly covering your face, and as you look down at where his corpse used to be you see a regular raven *not* terrifying? Go to Comment
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Any)
caesar193's comment on 2013-05-18 10:24 PM
Update: Finally, the Raveten is done! Enjoy. Go to Comment
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Any)
caesar193's comment on 2013-05-22 11:40 PM
The description of the egg hatching was for two reasons. The first was to show how the Sciremagi had warped the Raven, not only in the whole corpse explosion thing- normal Raven eggs are of a different coloring. And it showed a bit of the early, childhood stage of the Raveten- assumptions can be made that, since their adult eyes are black and childhood eyes are red, that their eyes change color during Bird Puberty.

And as for the jumbling in the Mistake- though I may have phrased a couple of things badly, I think what actually happens was clear (at least, clear to me, since I wrote the sub). I'll explain it. The Merthians had seen the Raveten, realized the war potential of avian-death-bringing, and tried a different, better way to use birds in killing things. Instead of ravens, however, they used crows. Before they could finish production, but after they had done some crow enchanting, some Obstarian soldiers captured the castle and the city, and were in the looting/plundering phase of conquering. They came into the lab, saw the crows, and saw the killing of the Sciremagus. The Merthians didn't want the invaders to discover incomplete data and facts about their Crows. And then came the fight scene, the escape of the crowd and the Ravens, and the mating of the two magic-mangled species.

All this scene was heavily influenced by real world history. WWII. The Germans were researching quantum mechanics (because the atom bomb was based on Einstein's theories, and Einstein was a Jew. Also, quantum mechanics was based on German-aka superior- research) to get a super weapon, as the Americans did with the Manhattan Project. When Germany lost, they killed all their scientists and destroyed the data before the Allies (Russia, America, England, France) could grab it. A last laugh, so to speak. Which is what the Merthian's did- before the cursed invaders could take their crow data, they stabbed the researcher who knew everything, and (though it wasn't actually mentioned) destroyed the data.

Hmmm... Now I have two questions for you, axelrowes: was this helpful, and could you have possibly gotten any of this in the sub? Minus the stuff about Nazi Germany, quantum mechanics, and dead scientists. Go to Comment
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Any)
caesar193's comment on 2013-05-22 11:47 PM
Yeah, the references to Merthians and Obstarians would be confusing to the uninitiated. If you follow the link in the sub to Atheus, then you can see a map, as well as a link to Atheus's history. Those two subs might make things clearer. Long story short: Taurians and Obstarians vs. Merthians and Kathians (I believe I mentioned Kathia at some point in this, and too lazy right now to go check). An in depth explanation to the fight is below in my reply to Axelrowes.

As for the Raveten getting food, I'll explain that in my reply to Dossta.

And, by the by, get well soon. If you're feeling the effects, that means the cold's almost over. Go to Comment
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Any)
caesar193's comment on 2013-05-23 12:01 AM
Yeah, why make a distinction?

Now a biology lesson: the Raveten pulls magic energy from pecked corpses to provide it energy. The Raveten doesn't actually get blood on its beak from eating food. The act of pulling energy acts something like a magic implosion: the lack of magic energy equates to a quasi-vacuum, implosion, and thus explosion. That is a helpful (at least, I hope it's helpful) tidbit that conjure up a good mental picture while at the same time being completely wrong. The actual magic meta is at this point in Atheus construction complicated, fuzzy, and with a couple of holes in it discretely covered with a bit of cloth and grass.

And actual Ravens are pretty smart. YouTube them. When I was writing this, I found a video if them problem solving to get food. Too lazy to find the link now. The magic amplifies that.

And the bigger returns thing- arm exploded here means less dead bodies, or no dead bodies. That means no more food. Arm exploded there means lots of dead bodies, or lots of food. More food=good.

And your power-lowering suggestion- the Ravetens are only really dangerous when there's a corpse lying around. Do PCs typically wander around with a corpse? Not unless they failed in their rescue mission for Princess Alice and are bringing her corpse back to her father, King Zod, so he can grieve and bury her (and maybe still pay them something). Or when they get in a fight with some dragon. Yes, PCs do tend to accumulate corpses, but they don't stick around them. And if they're smart, they'll run when they see that strange Raven in the tree after they participated in a little "dragon-slaying."

The force of the explosion is 2/3 (roughly) that of a grenade. I believe I compared it to a m16 grenade? Whichever one it was, it was the standard frag grenade of the US army. Go to Comment
Tortoise Shell Tavern
Locations  (Fortification)   (Any)
caesar193's comment on 2013-06-19 09:56 PM
I must agree with both Val and Axel. You provide us with a great backstory, and then you sort of ruin things at the end. If I were you, I'd tie in Heathen and Sar into the Tavern moreso than just a tortoise's old corpse. Maybe Heathen and Sar still haunt the place as ghosts, and created the werewolf problem because they didn't like that the shell was turned into a brothel. I don't know, its your sub. But yeah, do everything Val and Axel said.

And welcome to the citadel! Though your first sub will be heavily critiqued, don't let it drive you away- if you survive the critiques, it'll be worth it. The critiques are meant to improve both the sub and you as a writer, not as insults and personal affronts. Go to Comment
Magic System based on Fengshui
Systems  (Mystical)   (Historical)
caesar193's comment on 2013-05-22 02:58 PM
I like how you used Feng Shui to power magic. What I think would improve the system, however, is to have the actual placement-of-objects-in-a-room aspect of Fenshui present. Maybe in a Feng Shui room, the Mage gets some bonuses, or can mentally mess with people who enter. And powerful Feng Shui mages can make an enteree feel so blissful that they never want to, or can, leave... Or drive the person insane...

Anyways, the whole thing is very complete and well-thought out. Good explanations of Feng Shui, though I'd slightly like more credible sources than Wikipedia (yes, I know I'm being hypocritical here). Go to Comment
A Raiding Of Tauria
Plots  (Hired)   (Side-Quest)
caesar193's comment on 2013-07-01 02:49 PM
Update: Forganthus. For your comment, either an answer will be provided here, or has been put up above in the edit.

The King is not embarrassed. Its just that he can have nothing to do with the Barbarians, since both his and Obstaria's policy is to simply keep the Barbarians outside the human lands, and nothing else. Both Tauria and Obstaria are highly racists against Barbarians, partly because of the losses the humans faced when the Barbarians attacked during the Territory Wars. Since then, the raiding has decreased substantially. And then, of course, it increased enough to annoy a king because some logging company set up camp in northwestern Atheus.

The dwarves could be targeted, yes. But by the time the PCs could find the dwarves, they meet the elves. And if the elves learn that there buddies, the dwarves, got killed off by some of these d*** humans, the party is probably going to face an unfortunate ambush on their way back to the ship. Besides, killing the dwarves would only temporarily relieve the problem. The logging company would take more and more land, forcing the other tribes to less and less land, which would result in more and more raiding. The problem would be temporarily relieved, but then the king would get mad. Go to Comment
Cats And Rats
Plots  (Crisis)   (Single-Storyline)
caesar193's comment on 2013-06-11 09:57 PM
5/5. Its got an ambivalent cat god, a wrathful rat god, and ineffective PCs. Perfect. Great job with this, Forganthus. At first I kind of thought it would be somewhat silly, or at least a fun little side show to the main quest, but then it started to take a darker and darker turn (while keeping the aforementioned silliness). Its great. Pretty much what the 5/5 says about it. Ill HoH this when I get the chance. Go to Comment
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       By: Michael Jotne Slayer

The PCs find a small green glass bottle, something can be seen writhing within the smoked glass. If the PCs open the bottle a repulsing form of life will pour forth and grow in size. A genderless beings of soft pliable purple flesh towers before the PCs, it has no detail, no distinguishing characteristics except for a narrow slit for a mouth that holds rows of inwardly curving teeth.

Encounter  ( Any ) | February 15, 2011 | View | UpVote 5xp