Now a biology lesson: the Raveten pulls magic energy from pecked corpses to provide it energy. The Raveten doesn't actually get blood on its beak from eating food. The act of pulling energy acts something like a magic implosion: the lack of magic energy equates to a quasi-vacuum, implosion, and thus explosion. That is a helpful (at least, I hope it's helpful) tidbit that conjure up a good mental picture while at the same time being completely wrong. The actual magic meta is at this point in Atheus construction complicated, fuzzy, and with a couple of holes in it discretely covered with a bit of cloth and grass.
And actual Ravens are pretty smart. YouTube them. When I was writing this, I found a video if them problem solving to get food. Too lazy to find the link now. The magic amplifies that.
And the bigger returns thing- arm exploded here means less dead bodies, or no dead bodies. That means no more food. Arm exploded there means lots of dead bodies, or lots of food. More food=good.
And your power-lowering suggestion- the Ravetens are only really dangerous when there's a corpse lying around. Do PCs typically wander around with a corpse? Not unless they failed in their rescue mission for Princess Alice and are bringing her corpse back to her father, King Zod, so he can grieve and bury her (and maybe still pay them something). Or when they get in a fight with some dragon. Yes, PCs do tend to accumulate corpses, but they don't stick around them. And if they're smart, they'll run when they see that strange Raven in the tree after they participated in a little "dragon-slaying."
The force of the explosion is 2/3 (roughly) that of a grenade. I believe I compared it to a m16 grenade? Whichever one it was, it was the standard frag grenade of the US army. Go to Comment
The Ravetens eyes are black in adulthood. As an infant, their bloodshot. And as for the other phyical changes you suggested, well, I wanted to make it look like a Raven, with a few "tells." Like the silent thing. Go to Comment
As I said, I'm lost on this one physically, mentally, and emotionally. I guess I just don't know what I want with the Raveten. It's just that when I imagine it, I see a regular raven, but twisted slightly. Something... Off about it.
On a side note, what about exploding corpses is not strange or terrifying? Is it normal for the corpse on display on a funeral to suddenly send bone fragments and brain chunks flying at those attending? Is the sight of your buddy's corpse suddenly covering your face, and as you look down at where his corpse used to be you see a regular raven *not* terrifying? Go to Comment
I must agree with both Val and Axel. You provide us with a great backstory, and then you sort of ruin things at the end. If I were you, I'd tie in Heathen and Sar into the Tavern moreso than just a tortoise's old corpse. Maybe Heathen and Sar still haunt the place as ghosts, and created the werewolf problem because they didn't like that the shell was turned into a brothel. I don't know, its your sub. But yeah, do everything Val and Axel said.
And welcome to the citadel! Though your first sub will be heavily critiqued, don't let it drive you away- if you survive the critiques, it'll be worth it. The critiques are meant to improve both the sub and you as a writer, not as insults and personal affronts. Go to Comment
I like how you used Feng Shui to power magic. What I think would improve the system, however, is to have the actual placement-of-objects-in-a-room aspect of Fenshui present. Maybe in a Feng Shui room, the Mage gets some bonuses, or can mentally mess with people who enter. And powerful Feng Shui mages can make an enteree feel so blissful that they never want to, or can, leave... Or drive the person insane...
Anyways, the whole thing is very complete and well-thought out. Good explanations of Feng Shui, though I'd slightly like more credible sources than Wikipedia (yes, I know I'm being hypocritical here). Go to Comment
Update: Forganthus. For your comment, either an answer will be provided here, or has been put up above in the edit.
The King is not embarrassed. Its just that he can have nothing to do with the Barbarians, since both his and Obstaria's policy is to simply keep the Barbarians outside the human lands, and nothing else. Both Tauria and Obstaria are highly racists against Barbarians, partly because of the losses the humans faced when the Barbarians attacked during the Territory Wars. Since then, the raiding has decreased substantially. And then, of course, it increased enough to annoy a king because some logging company set up camp in northwestern Atheus.
The dwarves could be targeted, yes. But by the time the PCs could find the dwarves, they meet the elves. And if the elves learn that there buddies, the dwarves, got killed off by some of these d*** humans, the party is probably going to face an unfortunate ambush on their way back to the ship. Besides, killing the dwarves would only temporarily relieve the problem. The logging company would take more and more land, forcing the other tribes to less and less land, which would result in more and more raiding. The problem would be temporarily relieved, but then the king would get mad. Go to Comment
5/5. Its got an ambivalent cat god, a wrathful rat god, and ineffective PCs. Perfect. Great job with this, Forganthus. At first I kind of thought it would be somewhat silly, or at least a fun little side show to the main quest, but then it started to take a darker and darker turn (while keeping the aforementioned silliness). Its great. Pretty much what the 5/5 says about it. Ill HoH this when I get the chance. Go to Comment
Your objections/ideas/criticisms all have valid points. Your idea of renaming the Three to something different, to flee the connotative meanings of the names is a good one, and I'll get to it.
And people do combine all three, though some are, naturally, more one than another. You give a good example about yourself: " I selfishly care about myself, but I am altruistic towards my family, less so towards my friends, and a set of morals (honor?) dictate how I behave towards people otherwise." But I ask you: are you more one category than the other? Because its okay in Trianarianism to give a lot and be Altruistic if you follow the Ambition path, and so its more of a personal choice which one best suits you than the others.
And yes, I should probably put a "in practice" heading in there. Trianarianism was stagnating in my "in work" folder, so I was getting slightly anxious unleash it upon the citadel. Go to Comment
Yes, I'll go back and put in a "in practice" heading. It never really crossed my mind to do that. I'll get on it.
And what do you mean by your statement of "I think we really should to write this up as part of a narrative, put this through the crucible of story telling, and see what comes out." Just like turn this into a story of "Bob lives in this village, and is a Trianarianist. He decided to join that Way, and do that with his life. Blah blah Bob did this blah." ? Go to Comment
Evil Altruists could simply be people who are very team-oriented villains. Say that member of the Supervillain Team that opposes the PCs in that Superhero game you play (as in, marvel and DC comics) that always supports his fellow villains in their ideas, encourages them into far more evil, devious, and PC-bone-shattering plots, and will be the one to bring the coffee to the next round table discussion. And at the same time as that villain is encouraging his teammates and helping them with their plots with funds and such, he has his own private plots- one of which involves the genocidal killing of all the Africans because they "drain too much of our country's resources in peace-keeping efforts. Much easier just to send a couple of nukes there way and be done with the mess."
Of course, this concept could be easily adapted to the fantasy setting in which Atheus lies. Change the Supervillain Team to cabal of necromancers, or a cult that partakes in human sacrifices while trying to summon the evil, tentacled demon Alshakadalika'tey.
Is that evil enough? And team-player enough? Altruists don't have to give to everybody. If they don't give a lot of stuff to other people, they'd have to be team-players.
And yes, Altruism is a difficult one to have evil people be involved in. But there are some. Go to Comment
Your comments were/are clear. My mind must have been abducted by aliens when I put that in because I didn't know whether you were saying that I should change the whole piece into tale of the then Bob and the now Mortimor progressing through his Trianarianist life, or do what I did and have Mortimor be more of a background, or just a comment about my awesome writing style and how I should use something like the former for the future and not to change Trianarianism in that manner. Yeah, it was getting kind of late when I put that it, so my mind was clearly in an alien space ship being put through various tests. Go to Comment
Update: Finaly, Trianarianism is fixed up! Because of the Cataclysm, some of the edits I had made (such as the deities' names, and the story of WhateverHisNameIs) were lost to the void. Which is why I wrote up the Liber Tribus bit. Oh, and the Deific Antagonist bit is new, too. Go to Comment
1. They need to keep people worshiping them so that the whole world keeps reincarnating again and again. Which, depending on the Trianarianist you asked, might lead to no further innovations and changes with the people themselves. The same person might feel the artistic motivation to make a piece of art, for example, and find that they just plagiarized the work they did in a previous life. Of course, that belief is held only by a part of the faith.
The other answer would be that they felt abandoned. Like a friend just walked out on your life after you made a petty mistake. Like all their efforts keeping the angel's and the devil's war away from Atheus was not being recognized. Which brings us to question 2
2. I'll admit it, the two reasons I added that section was because the Liber Tribus needed three sections, and I wanted the last section to fall in the "in practice" heading, and that the Trirex needed something to say "Believe or DIE! and have a reason for that death. Which is why I mention the other two faiths of Atheus (if you ignore the cults). "If you don't convert from Lunism the scary angels will get you! And did I mention the devils?"
Your three opposing deities idea is good. I'd incorporate it, but I don't think it would actually work. If you took the opposites, you'd get the Lazy one, the Selfish one, and the Corrupt one, and they wouldn't be able to oppose anyone very well. The Lazy one would just laze, and the Selfish one wouldn't work with the Corrupt one to take down the Three. And if it came to a fight, the Selfish one would go down quickly (one versus three never works well) and the Corrupt one'd flee.
So to summarize this, the Angels and Devils are the enemy on the Deity level, the Lunists and the Barbarian's Polytheists are the enemies on the everyday level. Go to Comment
This is genius. I love the idea of inter dimensional wanderers who have lived in conditions with very low or non-existent gravity.
If I ever run a campaign, the PCs are going to have to flee from a mangle worm. No, wait- a mangle worm in as discovered the city. Anywhere it pops up, it gets a tasty. And the king wants someone to reclaim this city.
I can see the formatting issues, yes, but the way you presented the info was great. This gets a 4.5/5 (I was leaning towards 5/5, and almost did), and a HoH when I can.
The idea of humanoids swimming through ground is bizarre, and weird, and will mess with heads. The fact that it is so bizarre is what makes it so awesome to begin with.
This most definitely earns the caesar193 seal of approval, and the caesar193 gold medal for awesomeness.
To me, Valus is Robin Hood with a name change. You've got the ex-miitary angle, like Robin Hood. You've got the banditry, like Robin Hood. You've got the kindly priest, like Robin Hood. If you do revise him in the future, I'd suggest adding some twist that makes him less like Robin Hood. But I'll try my hardest not to dock your points for this eerie similarity to Robin Hood.
I like, as Muro does, the evolution of character. But what I don't like is how... easily he got to be leader of the bandits after the old leader died. I'd imagine that some bandits would feel that the leader only promoted Valus all the way to second-in-command because they were old friends, and would have resisted his ascension to the top spot. And some would have taken advantage of their dislike to become the leader.
The idea is great, but how it is now isnt very useful. I think that the addition of plot hooks, at the very least, would contribute greatly to the sub. That being said, the mental image of spiders s***ing soup is great. Go to Comment