Strolen\s Citadel content. 
Society/ Organizations  (Political)   (Trans World)
caesar193's comment on 2014-02-24 10:17 AM
First, let me welcome you to the Citadel. Second, let us talk about the NUSSR. There isn't much there. If you wanted to make it a 100 word submission or something of that nature, than put that in there. If its supposed to be a full-on sub, then I personally would like to see more. Right now, its barebones.

We're told that there was a revolution and a tyrant was killed- can we learn more about that? What were the battles? What was the last straw that drove the people to rise up?

We're told that Marx's descendant instituted a utopia, a communist system where everyone's happy. How did he do this? How does he maintain fairness? I may just be cynical, but I do not believe that humanity could live in a communist system without exploiting it and making it worse for others.

We're told that Viktor Menshelyev is evil. Why is he evil? What did he do? Changing laws doesn't necessarily make someone a bad person, someone the people could hate and actually kill- were the law changes to taxation, with him using the people's paychecks to make himself a golden palace?

I don't mean to be harsh, and this isn't a personal attack on you. Make sure that you cross your T s and dot your I s. If there are changes made that improve it, I'll revisit, but right now this needs more. In general, a paragraph is not enough here, unless your doing a writing challenge, such as the aforementioned 100 word subs. If you are doing such a challenge, can you mention that somewhere? Go to Comment
7 Things About Criticism
Articles  (Humor/ Editorial)   (Citadel Help)
caesar193's comment on 2014-02-23 05:04 PM
Just a typo: the first sentence of the Reflection section should end with a 'be.' As in, "what will the result of the criticism BE?" Other than this, everything was excellent, which I now know I must add to make sure my typo bit is well-received ;). Still, I'm afraid this just isn't a 5/5 for me. Maybe if you provided some example maybe of each type, or dos and don'ts for each section, I could revisit my vote. In short, more material.

Still, this was an excellent adress of the topic, and I hope this criticism follows the above parameters. Go to Comment
Shang Lao
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Mystical)
caesar193's comment on 2014-02-24 09:28 PM
Let me begin by saying that I have found my new hero. Lao is AWESOME. I love him in all the tiny little details. At first he was an ordinary old geezer. Harmless.

Then he stated eating people's souls, starting criminal organizations, and inviting demons into his body. Oh, and chucking fireballs for kicks and gigs. This is an awesome old geezer.

There is one thing that bothers me slightly: you say in the summary that he's one of the hidden masters manipulating the world, but you don't put anything about that in the actual sub. In fact, the impression I got was contradictory: Lao didn't care about the world, and simply wanted deification (did I mention that that was another thing I loved about him?). Everything else was simply a means to that end. The Lian Zhimeng don't seem to provide much global influence, and seem to stay within China's borders.

But this is just a minor point; I'd just change the summary to reflect Lao instead of the other way round- Lao, as I have said before, is extremely awesome. An excellent submission, and I've talked myself up from a lowly 4.5 to a full score. Excellent job, Scras. Go to Comment
Locations  (Ruins)   (Plains)
caesar193's comment on 2014-02-10 07:26 PM
Lucas burned. The magic consumed him. The spoiled brat died off. As did his family.

As for where the Litwellians are now, well, that shall be examined in an upcoming sub. Basically, there's the continent of Atheus (where Tauria and Litwell are), then another one off to the east of Atheus that the Litwellians got dumped 500 years ago. They are building a soceity and living. Eventually, their descendants will return home. They will come to the ruins of Litwell, and all will be made right. The Litwellians are in Litwell, and thus history will happy. Hopefully, the ambient magics will cease when that happens, and the sorcery-wielding animals killing things in Litwell will go off into the countryside and live life. I hope this answers your question. Go to Comment
The CogNet
Locations  (TransWorld)   (CyberSpace)
caesar193's comment on 2014-02-06 10:07 AM
I must say that I enjoyed reading this. Ever since that RP (and, arguably, ever since I started reading Cosmic Era stuff), I occasionally wondered what exactly this Cognet thing was that ol' Brian was using; the fact that you dream of a virtual reality and are actually sleeping to access it is a great idea. The history interested me most, with the transitions. Why did the hypernet fall? Was it just because its infrastructure got raided for parts, or did people not have time to go on it between all this back-breaking farming and keeping thieves off your stuff?

Anyway, once again, this is a great sub. Excellent job. Go to Comment
Systems  (Divine/ Spirit)   (Specific)
caesar193's comment on 2014-02-06 10:25 AM
As was said before, you did a good job of making the elves and, to a lesser degree, Jampiri itself, be mysterious. The one thing that I noticed is that you talk about the gaging of medicine men, which I think should be gauging: this would be in the second paragraph of the Medicine Men of the Moors section,

Other than this, it was an excellent piece. It captured the air of Jampiri well, and I like how the elves just can't get rid of this idiot humans. Go to Comment
Locations  (World)   (Any)
caesar193's comment on 2014-01-26 10:44 AM
I suppose the living could come to Barathra and escape it, since it's possible to do that with Congeria. However, in both cases it would take an extremely powerful spell, a genius wizard (with a hint of madness to help the creative juices) to come up with the spell, and probably a person who is about to die (or be killed, if you were that callous) so you could hitch a ride with the person's soul. The Devourers might ignore the living, seeing as they feast on souls, not physical matter. Or they might see the living as a delicacy.

On the subject of Devourers, their deaths is something I had not truly thought about. I suppose two things could happen: reincarnation as a baby Devourer, or going to another Land of the Dead. I'm leaning towards reincarnation, though. Go to Comment
Concordare Iram,
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Any)
caesar193's comment on 2014-01-11 10:53 AM
I like the imagery I see for the creatures themselves, but they lack a certain depth, mainly cultural. Your culture section seems to deal more with their biology and their puberty/mating practices rather than, you know, culture. What do the Concordare Iram do when they aren't blowing up from lack of sex? What games do they play when they aren't being kidnapped?

All in all, this is a great idea, but as I said, there has to be more to them than puberty and mating. Go to Comment
Prosperity Christian Convention
Society/ Organizations  (Religious)   (Trans World)
caesar193's comment on 2014-01-11 10:57 AM
This makes complete sense for how the Cosmic Era seems to be shaping up. I do wonder how it could have formed during the Petroleum Era (since modern Christianity is against materialism), but its growth in later eras seems perfectly natural.

I do like you putting the controversial issues their for or against in there, which helps further define them as an organization, and I also like the idea of competing evangelists. Go to Comment
Father Titus, Resurrection Man
NPCs  (Major)   (Religious)
caesar193's comment on 2013-12-03 07:04 AM
Father Titus is an interesting fellow. Though I personally would like to know more about his origins (how he got that sword, for example, for I presume such relics are not standard issue), as well as how he got a angelic companion to go hunt some undead with, I presume that this is intentional to create a mysterious guy that kills vampires for a living.

He seems to me to be a tad weak, though. In a world where the vampire- and if its the classical vampire, superfast, the vampire can retreat to an open plain, wait for Titus to show up, then take potshots with a sniper rifle before Titus gets within sword-throwing range. Unless I missed his ballistic vest or his excellent bullet-dodging ability, any vampire with a brain (which you make it sound his usual targets are) can easily take him out. The combat would need to be on some battlefied that favors melee (like the vampire's office or something) for Titus to have a chance of taking out his target. I know he has training with firearms and could bring with him an assault rifle, but I didn't get the impression that he took firearms with him. Go to Comment
Cessna and Piper Aldean
NPCs  (Minor)   (Travelers)
caesar193's comment on 2013-12-03 10:02 AM
This is very well written for an oekaki. Cudos for that. They do seem kind of bland, even with the supernatural influence/secret. I can see some ways to use them, however, though I'm unlikely to (prefer fantasy to modern stuff). Of course, they are support characters, so...

Anyways, good job for an oekaki Go to Comment
Locations  (Country/ State)   (Water)
caesar193's comment on 2013-11-18 07:08 PM
Update: I'm not sure if this belongs in the Tattoo Quest. I put it in mainly because the tattooing bit inspired the rest of the Reposian culture. If you feel that it doesn't belong among the quest subs, than I'll be more than happy to remove it. Go to Comment
Locations  (Country/ State)   (Water)
caesar193's comment on 2013-11-22 08:25 PM
Update: As per suggestions, removed from quest Go to Comment
Locations  (Country/ State)   (Water)
caesar193's comment on 2013-11-22 08:28 PM
Or did I? Doesn't seem to want to leave the quest submissions Go to Comment
Civitas Caeli
Locations  (City)   (Space)
caesar193's comment on 2013-10-27 09:28 AM
Looting? I had not actually thought of that. I don't think that the city would appreciate it, and would actively try to stop it, though only quietly and stealthily and normally. Like having someone learn about stealing, and then the "city-dwellers" decide that the best course of action would be returning the gold. Or having someone quietly steal the gold from the PCs in the middle of the night.

Of course, as the city is mostly made of desire, and is powered by magic from souls, the gold would probably revert to being some worthless substance, maybe stone or a collection of pebbles or something. Go to Comment
The Bibliorynth of Zhao Zweh
Dungeons  (Other)   (Rooms/ Halls)
caesar193's comment on 2013-10-26 09:39 PM
If its an oekaki, it should have the oekaki freetext. So that people know going in what to expect. Other than that, a good idea. I agree with SE on the bestiary of dangers within the bibliorynth bit. Go to Comment
The Burning Cult
Society/ Organizations  (Religious)   (Local)
caesar193's comment on 2013-10-12 06:17 PM
Update: Clarifying SE's comment; the cult has no knowledge of demons being in any way involved with anything in the cult. Go to Comment
Efeterthrop’s Pyrus Patch, Toll Gate
Locations  (TransWorld)   (Forest/ Jungle)
caesar193's comment on 2013-10-11 02:30 PM
Let me see if I have this right. You enter at one point of the sphere, and you exit at the opposite point by following the diameter.

What would happen if you entered from the top? Say you skydived and hit the top- would you suddenly find yourself encapsulated in rock? And would, if the earth level is higher at one side of the circle then the other, find yourself with your feet stuck in dirt at the other end?

I liked the bit with the volunteers, and how they might have died off- were they paid, or otherwise induced, to volunteer, or were they forced to do it, and then someone doctored the history books? It may just be me, but I wouldn't feel you'd get many volunteers for such a dangerous task without a reward. Go to Comment
The Sea of Sand
Locations  (Regional)   (Desert)
caesar193's comment on 2013-10-08 08:23 PM
Though I'm not entirely sure that quicksand works that way, I'm willing to let it slide because of the mental image you have created. The various additional details to this just tops off the sub. Go to Comment
The City of Efeterthorp
Locations  (City)   (Mountains)
caesar193's comment on 2013-10-08 08:12 PM
The main thing I don't understand are twofold. The first is why no one has conquered it. It seems to me that a city run by four gangs wouldn't have a very strong military to defend the city, or would be very capable of recruiting from the populace to serve as a military. I suppose they could rely on mercenaries, but then you run the risk of them betraying you (gold doesn't motivate people to not run away as well as patriotism and nationalism). Does the City enter a series of alliances and trade agreements with other cities to gain protections, and who organizes these diplomacy policies?

My second inquiry is about the populace. It seems to me that the benefits of living in a city pale besides being the equivalent of being a deer during hunting season. They can be constantly abused by the guilds, and have no laws or government to protect them. As you said, the only thing keeping them from just slaughtering people is blood ties, which leads to another question: why haven't blood feuds and guild feuds torn the city apart? There has to be some sort of glue to keep things from falling apart.

Other than this, I felt that it was highly original. Though I may appreciate more details and flavor text, the idea of a City of naught but crime shone through and proved a hint of excellence. Great job. Go to Comment
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