I can recognize what is wrong with this write up and what needs to improved, but still I found something rather seductive about the energy the author used in describing the battle scene. I could see in my mind the image of the author typing away all the while keeping thread of the battle in his mind. As the fighting gets more pitching the thumps and clicks of the typing become more frequent and frantic. SWEAT BEGINS TO DROP ON TO THE KEYBOARD, THEN THE TYPHOON IS SURROUNDed, ITS UNPOWERED HAUL SPEEDING TOWARDS THE PLANET SURFACE. IT LOOKS LIKE ALL IS LOST. ENEMY SHIPS SURROUNDED THE CRIPPLED SHIP, WHICH NOW RESTS IN A MASSIVE CRATER. BUT NO! THE RAPID DESCENT WAS PART OF THE CAPTAIN'S PLAN, THE TYPHOON FIREs ALL 200 SHORT RANGE ROCKETS AT ONCE. . .
This has a very Japanaimie feel to it, in as much as it is a space ship that is indestructable, has legs and gets "lost" after a great battle. But Valadaar is right it needs a lot of work, but the spirit of fun is there, and we need more spaceship entries.
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Roleplaying requires a shared false reality. Everyone in the table buys into the reality created by the dice the stats and the GMs own twisted logic and view of human behavior. (If it is not twisted then the guy is just running modules and using somebody elses on psuedo-logic). Dropping one of these into your battletech campaign would shake the very fabric of the game universe. It would really annoy those "simulator" players. Not a bad thing that.
Could be fun.
I think what is confusing some people here is that this appears to be very specific reference to the True Blood series and Suki Stackhouse books. The Temple of the Sun is a organization in those books, and thus the christian references and pop culture references may be jarring to people who couldn't put into context. But I found some of it funny, I also liked the references to Once Bitten. A fun shameless piece of Fanboydom.
What character do you imagine making this speech?
I have to imagine it is Star Scream. He is the only character obnoxious enough to start sentence with "Quite Simply".
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I enjoyed this a nice piece of characterization and an interesting perspective to have when playing with one's toys.
This is solid.
But I would not be so quick to call this man a good guy. Sure he is motivated by a desire to see his black and white views of morality realized throughout the kingdom, but does that make him good or does that make him just another tyrant? This man is a murderer, a liar, and kidnapper who has no respect for the dignity of the people he condemns. Furthermore his murders are not visibly the result of any moral consequence. Thus Trotha's presence would scare the honest just as much as it does the dishonest, and furthermore why not report the crimes he is punishing to his king? I do not think this detracts for the piece, but rather this contradiction adds to it.
If I were to run this piece I would have the PC confront the Trotha once without knowing his identity. Three options; he bests them and spares them, they best him and he escapes but they get a hint of his true self or they are rescued by a "evil noble" or the princess. Second Trotha carries out another assassination, they stop or it or try to stop it but either way they learn that the target is a bad man and has bad associates. If they stop it they have to decide what to with the bad man. Third: They go confront Trotha again and on this trip they don't meet him directly but they encounter an item that they think will let them kill Trotha from a far without meeting him face to face and without bringing him to justice. Fourth: Go rescue the princess, find out she ain't so nice....what do they do with her? Fifth: Discover or are informed of Trotha ID and his mission.
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Then what do they do, stop him from taking the princess again, help him take the princess, and do they let Trotha control the destiny of kingdom once the king is gone, which is his design? A good adventure should have both the PCs and DM surprised by the ending.
Planet minds, I haven't seen that in a while.
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I really liked this, I thought while it lacked personality specifics (aka the mind is described as nothing more than insane and the dead culture is glossed over), the tone and themes were well expressed by what I thought was very strong prose. The visuals and physical specifics of the planet are also very well explained.
I thought the first few paragraph were very solid prose, not fancy or mind blowing but clear and illustrative. Also I think this sort thing a "minor place" is exactly the kind of thing one might seek another's imagination in order to flesh out. I like it all but it just sort of drift off into forgetable. The flavor the place never really gets out in this write up. You describe the place effectively, as if you have been there, but you don't take us there.
I get the idea, but the write up is really confusing.
"anything you don't want to keep others away from are kept in this chest." I don't think the word don't should be in this sentence.
In the first sentence of the last "paragraph", I think spy should be plural.
This is a good canidate for the 100 word treatment.