The Widow McIntyre
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It pains a soul to think of a fine young flower like the Baroness a widow at only three and twenty years. Here introduction to society made for one of the most exciting social seasons in the last decade, her physical charms, her poised manners, her literary wit and her graceful dancing excited the entire court. Every ball that season was an adventure with all the eligible Knights and Lords falling about for her favor. It was almost a scandal when her engagement to Baron McIntyre was announced. He was more than twice her age, he was twice married before with no children and all his wealth and lands were in northern cattle interests and island estates respectively. His passing must have been so hard on the young Baroness, because she now must manage all that land and wealth on her own with out any man to lean on. As a rich beautiful young widow she is chased by the most unscrupulous of social climbing noblemen. Best sit her next to some one kind if you want to impress her, but sit her next to a money grubbing rake if you want to impress the cad.
I had very little to do with this exceptional write up or this wonderful world you have created. But this fantastic, I loved it when you told me about it and I love it now.
The first paragraph has a number of errors in it and doesn't flow as well as the rest of the piece. The second sentence for example seems to be the victim of a bad edit.
But after the second paragraph the whole piece moves really smoothly and clearly .
Nice item. Items like this are more common in the mytho-historical record than the uber-swords. I read once a myth about a viking Grotte (I think) who had mill stone that would turn anything into anything. Eventually the stone was captured and the naive new owner asked for salt. Of course things went wrong and now the oceans are salty. Then there was the Strega Nona's pasta pot. You stone here will be a nice item for players because it doesn't have a down side or relgious trappings. I can see the players messing with it.
Excitable Player: "If we hook this up to a wind mill and maybe a sand chute, we could make a kiling selling grain."
Roleplaying Player: "By the Gods dear sir, you would take Hannetta's blessings to all men and use it for such base self-advancement."
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Meta-player Number 1: "Yeah, if we do that the GM will have us drown in grain or something."
Wow, the first time i read this I thought you had some formating issue, then I thought you just edited this badly, and I was preparing long detailed a critique about how some paragraphs didn't make sense. I was even going to mention how your footnotes weren't working as superscripts. Then I realized that the damn scribe ruled me again.
Damn clever sir, it is amazing how you turned this around with out much effort, it made me realize what a great core you had to this idea.
This one started out really well, we have another amusing story of Beth and Corran, and we have the imagery of Corran with a Doc Brown style colander on his head. But the end result of the item is one that is dull, inaccessible and unnecessarily limited. I was surprised you end with this
“However, the Scribe does not work for other users. Believed to be a problem with the collector assembly and its compatibility with Corran's thoughts specifically, all attempts to modify the Scribe to accommodate another user have failed.”
How about giving the hand a little personality, a little bit of that puckish mischievousness that often seems to grow out of Corran’s quiet and domestic ambitions. You could give the hand some of Bethany’s traits so that it will change the wording to fit her sensibilities. Perhaps Bethany is more polite than Corran.
“I am not writing the phrase ‘demonic crap box’, how about ‘an item from my privy’.”
Or perhaps Bethany has a little more attitude then Corran.
“I am not addressing Veracit as ‘his Grace’ I don’t care how many Dukedom’s he is granted. I shall instead write ‘Mr. Veracit who stayed at our home for 6-months without offer of rent or compensation’.”
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I know I could change it if I use it and I will, but I would let my players have a go with this. It be could useful for a mage so that they can be sure to take notes while working on spells. I would also give the hand a bit of personality.
This is great, number 27 got me. Have you read
I recommend Clockwork Fagin. It reminds me of number 30.
Could you use a similiar supernatural technology or technique to make slippers?
I think you could/should cut some words out of the first four sentences and then describe what happens when the magic is employed in a little more detail.
Does the silver heart burning out mean you only use it once? Does the enchanted distant door look like the ruby door, how many people can pass through it, how long can it stay open and what can you see through the open door? If the magic isn't too obvious: clever players would trick people into passing through it or drop ex-wvies or monsters into the rooms of the unpopular or evil.