I enjoyed reading this thank you for writing it. It reads like the liner to video game or the summary of some late night movie, and in short it is great lead in for a game with a lot of flexible pieces you could spin into multiple plots.
More of a plot really than a society. Go to Comment
How I Vote Articles (Rules and Advice)
Why are chitinous space turtles bad science? If on present day earth turtles and reptiles as a whole do not produce chitin does that mean that alien resembling a turtle or a reptile or futuristic animal also similar to a turtle could not produce chitin? Go to Comment
Perhaps a simple way to mix these concepts into a game grid would be to put players or characters into a space in which light suddenly moves in an extremely non-euclidien path over short distances. The characters would have to quickly adapt to "seeing" something in front of them that is actually to their left, and things that are moving would appear to be moving around them or disappear from vision. Go to Comment
Was Guznal Skarsnik the one seeking to learn more about cultures? Was the spear supposed a tool to help him do that?
Does the spear "make fish" since you can use it to catch fish in a pool that would not normally have any or do you just wish to keep that vague and mystical. Vague is fine, but if that is the case then you may wish to remove the point about it limiting the the fisherman to five fish per "use". Because what counts as a fishing trip? And if it manifests fish from nothing, than what if the fear of over fishing.
I think you want this write up and the item to be means by which we can get a side long veiw of goblin culture. I like that idea, but I don't think this has succeeded. If you don't want this to be a novel window in the goblin way of life then try taking this up with the 100 word challenge. Go to Comment
Honestly, I wonder if this is some sort of test of citadel community. A new user appears with an earnest line about being a writer and then posts work seemingly from a bunch of other writers and focuses much on the feedback. Are they checking to see what goes into a vote? Are they picking stuff written by rivals? Or this is just straight theft to achieve some on-line affirmation? On-line plagarization for no profit or real word gain....what is the point? Further study is warranted.
This is a great idea, a demi-goddess the converts to another religion! Her reasons for converting to faith are all rooted in vanity and all her kindness is tempered by pathological narcissism. Great stuff for 3rd and 4th generation role-playing games. It is held back by its blunt prose, excessive "I am so clever" winking at the reader stuff, an emphasis on combat or physical encounters over characters and oh so many tangents. It is like you couldn't find your voice in this one.
But over all great idea, lots of fun details, I really like the plots as well, just a ton of possibilities. Go to Comment
I haven’t finished this yet, and I am a little off put by the violent sex stuff. I will wait until I am done to decide if this is just self-indulgent pornography or something of a real story.
I do agree with Dossta that if this is just a justification for misogynistic fantasy than it doesn’t belong here. And I do think that the difference between a narrative that is about sex and narrative that exploits and sensationalizes sex can be defined. But graphic sex alone or overt sexual content is not reason enough to dismiss something. I think a challenge should be pointed and articulated.
I can think of several books that are about sex, “Son and Lovers” (D.H. Lawerence), “Women” (Charles Bukowski) and to a lesser extent “Still Life with Woodpecker” (Tim Robbins) that are not pornography. In the realm of Sci-fi/fantasy the steamy sex scene has its place. For example in the novel “Altered Carbon” (Richard K. Morgan) there is very graphic description of sexual encounter between women who genetically engineered to secret drugs from her mucus membranes, the hero and the A.I. that runs the hotel they are staying at. I bring up this case because much of the sci-fi emersion was brought through in that sex scene, and we see how the technology of the time changed sex. I would bring up George R.R. Martin, but sometimes (particularly in the last book) I think he does cross the line into really gratuitous sexual content. In the book “Outlander” Diane Gabaldon the heroine learns that violence gets into every part of medieval Scottish society including sex and marriage. I think the use of that sexual content to communicate a story or a setting should be addressed and we should also assess whether that content is respectful to the subject or whether it is exploitive and clearly insensitive enough to be widely insulting.
I finally finished this...it is not an easy read. The prose is blunt and repetitive. But much the story is dedicated to graphic and unrealistic sexual scenarios. There are some nice details about a steam punk world, but the literal message of the story...the one championed by the narrator is that the evil self centered pragmatism of the queen is justified. There are some hints that the brainwashed main character knows things are wrong, but there is little she can do because the sexual spell she is under.
Towards the later chapter errors in word use become more frequent.
I don't know if this "belongs here" or not but a lot of the content is detailed sexual encounters that don't move the plot along. I get that the main character's seduction is kind of the plot, but do you need all the details about where fingers are going and such? I'd say much of this is pornography. Go to Comment
"You can judge a society by the way it treats its prisoners"
- Winston Churchill
I admire a write up that tackles multiple points in time, the before and after and eclipse, thing is nice in game terms and narrative terms as well.
The piece has a very personalized feel, in that it has authors commentary through out it
"It's an interesting commentary on Shardis patronage that despite having the lowest percentage of the prisoner population and the smallest number of cells, these two wings occupy the a full third of the facility's space." It always helpful when the author tells us something is interesting ;)
So with this personalize take in mind, why did you not write then a more vivid personal account of the prison? Despite the interesting people write up, you do not give us a day account of prison life or anything that paints a clear picture of life in the prison. You focus on the geography and the potential goals (escape or rescue...what else does one do with a prison?), why did you not provide a vignette about prison life? You have a great idea here which could be more developed. Go to Comment