Nice item. Items like this are more common in the mytho-historical record than the uber-swords. I read once a myth about a viking Grotte (I think) who had mill stone that would turn anything into anything. Eventually the stone was captured and the naive new owner asked for salt. Of course things went wrong and now the oceans are salty. Then there was the Strega Nona's pasta pot. You stone here will be a nice item for players because it doesn't have a down side or relgious trappings. I can see the players messing with it.
Excitable Player: "If we hook this up to a wind mill and maybe a sand chute, we could make a kiling selling grain."
Roleplaying Player: "By the Gods dear sir, you would take Hannetta's blessings to all men and use it for such base self-advancement."
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Meta-player Number 1: "Yeah, if we do that the GM will have us drown in grain or something."
This one started out really well, we have another amusing story of Beth and Corran, and we have the imagery of Corran with a Doc Brown style colander on his head. But the end result of the item is one that is dull, inaccessible and unnecessarily limited. I was surprised you end with this
“However, the Scribe does not work for other users. Believed to be a problem with the collector assembly and its compatibility with Corran's thoughts specifically, all attempts to modify the Scribe to accommodate another user have failed.”
How about giving the hand a little personality, a little bit of that puckish mischievousness that often seems to grow out of Corran’s quiet and domestic ambitions. You could give the hand some of Bethany’s traits so that it will change the wording to fit her sensibilities. Perhaps Bethany is more polite than Corran.
“I am not writing the phrase ‘demonic crap box’, how about ‘an item from my privy’.”
Or perhaps Bethany has a little more attitude then Corran.
“I am not addressing Veracit as ‘his Grace’ I don’t care how many Dukedom’s he is granted. I shall instead write ‘Mr. Veracit who stayed at our home for 6-months without offer of rent or compensation’.”
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I know I could change it if I use it and I will, but I would let my players have a go with this. It be could useful for a mage so that they can be sure to take notes while working on spells. I would also give the hand a bit of personality.
Wow, the first time i read this I thought you had some formating issue, then I thought you just edited this badly, and I was preparing long detailed a critique about how some paragraphs didn't make sense. I was even going to mention how your footnotes weren't working as superscripts. Then I realized that the damn scribe ruled me again.
Damn clever sir, it is amazing how you turned this around with out much effort, it made me realize what a great core you had to this idea.
This is great, number 27 got me. Have you read
I recommend Clockwork Fagin. It reminds me of number 30.
Could you use a similiar supernatural technology or technique to make slippers?
I think you could/should cut some words out of the first four sentences and then describe what happens when the magic is employed in a little more detail.
Does the silver heart burning out mean you only use it once? Does the enchanted distant door look like the ruby door, how many people can pass through it, how long can it stay open and what can you see through the open door? If the magic isn't too obvious: clever players would trick people into passing through it or drop ex-wvies or monsters into the rooms of the unpopular or evil.
You seem be trying for a flippant and comical tone with the origin story here, but I feel like you haven’t really committed to it. I suggest changing the open line to directly address the character of Garim Darnore (instead of the side long view you have now) and also use that line to set the tone. For example a bawdy take on that might be
“King Garim Darnore was so fat that when he invoked the royal We, you were forced to consider whether or not he was hiding the entire royal line under robes. Certainly a man of his stature took up both side of family tree.”
Please if you go that route, find better route than those stale jokes.
Or try in pull in both sides of his character in that opening. Consider something like “Before becoming King, Garim Darnoe had strangled Bawlor the great river demon with his bear hands, bested the Helk the Hatceht in single combat, led the conquest of Island of Crueloar, alone saved the great Red Kraken from the God’s Wrath tsunami by dragging it 3 miles back to the ocean and single handedly resisted a 2 month goblin siege of his family diamond mine with only a dagger, a loaf of meat bread and a cask of whiskey. When he ascended to his throne he swore that he would tax sparingly, encourage freedom, rule without aggression and only leave his throne when his realm was threatened. Nobody had expected him to embody such a literal interpretation of that last point.”
The point of your story is that crown was designed not for military uses or romantic rendezvous, but to help a fat lazy rich guy get around his enormous house. I get that and it is funny. Play to the funny.
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Also the powers section is kind of vague. Do you actually meld into the stone and step out? Can you hang out there for awhile if you want? Do the stones have to be connected?
The item doesn’t need all this justification. If you have story with Lycanthropy in it, then a magical cure (permanent or temporary) is already justified simply by the nature of beasts. You say as much in your teaser. Nor is your story of its creation a novel one. A small isolated community beset by monsters and mother who loves her child so that much she is willing to risk the greater good to protect it are very old chestnuts. You use a lot of words to go through some very simple and familiar concepts.
These facts regarding the item are also sparse, vague and the will not help players to understand or use the items more efficiently. In your Mercurial Chain Sword (http://strolen.com/viewing/Mercurial_Chain_Sword) write up, which I thought was very good, the facts you give could help player to manipulate the item and understand its “physics”. In another excellent write up of an item, http://strolen.com/viewing/Gideons_Mercy, the backstory helps the characters and the GM to understand the items moral compass. It also justifies the existence of an item which unlike this Chakram, is not of necessarily intuitive. I found nothing wrong with this post, but nothing special about it either. Maybe I am missing something, I do that, Checka thought it was perfect.
I think you meant possessed by an “angel” not an “angle”. Don’t take that as condescension, I am mystified and impressed by anyone that get all the errors out of a piece of prose.