I just didn't dig the story all that much, but I find that that the take on half-elf as interesting. Often I find that people don't play or write the demi-humans as alien enough. And this half-elf Pon-Farr the kid was going through could really help a character get into his character and add depth to a roleplaying scene.

But I cannot stand the over use of the rape of another in a character's backstory and means justifying his behavior. It would be nice to imagine a world in which the hero did not have to fight for sexual possession of his woman. If authors are going to deal with sexual violence then perhaps they should deal more with the victims response otherwise it just seems flippant. In this story the girl is left behind in the Hero's story and his response to her attack. Go to Comment

How deep does the Citadel go? Go to Comment

Summary: The first three paragraphs give us a nice summary of a how bar that serves to match bounty hunters and targets could have form organically. Then we get the modern reputation, the real meat of the sub and then some plot hooks.

Thoughts and opinions: There is very little information here aside from the "sometimes you want to go", everything prior justifies the existence of that section (which is fine). The plot hooks don't really expand upon the central idea, but they do look at it from several angles. It hints at a larger world though and offers many possibilities for new stories. Go to Comment

This was a large undertaking, writing up a culture. While I feel you covered a lot of material, you did not provide us with a picture of what it is like to interact with the people. These people have narrative to them and ascendancy and collapses. We don't learn what it is like to a be Alun or what they were really like. We have bunch of facts but not a real pictures. A good effort and an interesting one. Go to Comment

If you are going to discuss real world facts, toss in some references. Go to Comment

No vote or suggestions with this comment. I was just wondering if you knew there was an RPG titled All Flesh Must Be Eaten? Go to Comment

I like this one, nice lead in, fun plot-going to planet with that kind of write up will certainly get the PCs interested-classic drama, not a lot of character details but that just makes things more flexable and there is actually a lot detail here. 

The only I would ask for would be a little more description of the Sneel themselves and what their home world might look and feel like. 

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I know you have changed a lot of this since people 1st voted, but I think this a jumbled mess. So perhaps this has been over edited.
The overall post conveys very little, you would give us just as much information if you had said "What if Robin Hood died a martyr and lived on as a legend" This is devoid of any detail, the details it does provide are unclear and thus distracting and it lacks surprise or novelty.

I have listed some sections and followed those up with questions.


1)-Learning a mastery of archery under Red Fox the five applied their skill against any target pointed out by his discerning eye quickly becoming a thorn in the side of the territorial armies and the men who owned them.-

You don't introduce the five prior this sentence. This I believe is important, as you discuss later the children of the original five, the uniforms they wore must have been distinctive, and that those uniforms are some how passed one so that with the addition of 10 uniforms you have 15 members. Additionally, and this is less important, we don't know if the League are assassins , robbers or warriors trying to carve out territory. It may be enough to know that they were hated by the nobles, but if you had a larger vision of the League's tactics and methods it is not coming through.

2 (three parter) -As the age passed Red Fox continued to speak out against the ruling class and teach others his skill and techniques as the League grew in size, but the world had changed.-

A) What did Red Fox have to say besides he ruling class was bad? He obviously wanted a ruling class that put the people first but did he have specific model in mind?

B) -the League grew is size- Does the League consist of more than the 5-15 warriors?

C)The world changing suggests that there was a paradigm shift in the types of institutions and values of society. All you say in this paragraph is that the nobles were getting more ruthless in their pursuit of him. Considering his original beef with the Nobles that seems par for the course.

3)-construction of 10 additional uniforms -

Again is there something special about these uniforms?

4)-was slain before he would ever see his plans come to fruition.-
What was his plan? Had the League been destroyed and he been acting alone? Was he going to start an open rebellion? By promising the fighters places for their children in his organization was he laying the ground work for a herditary feudal system?

5)-One of the Fifteen was approached by the general of the Lords private guard with the intent to turn him against his leader and perhaps spare his own life in the process but the message was passed directly to Red Fox,-
5-A) It is 15 including Red right?

5-B) So Red walks knowingly into the trap so that the Lord will think his plan worked and he won't punish the member of the 15 who warned Red?

6)-League had not scattered as he commanded. As his body was taken by troops to burn, the Fourteen came down upon them attacking from the trees and bushes circling the remaining force.-
They watched him die and waited until after he was dead to act?

7) What were Red Fox's last words? I am going to guess they were something like
"This is the big one! You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm coming to join ya, honey!"

8) Again what is the deal with his armor?

9) This post has a fairly high score. Is this a really good post and I am just a fool? Go to Comment

Seriously has this changed a lot since the original post? Go to Comment

I am not sure what this about, you list the three gifts and describe briefly what went into getting, but if it is about the gifts then shouldn't we know why they were given, you have healers and demons revokers but what is the goal of the god?

If it is about Saints, should we know their stories? Is there a thesis statement to this post. You give us some details, but they are just details they lack narrative context and thus dramatic or emotional weight. Go to Comment

I like the idea of mystical dancers roaming the country side of the fringe of society, it has very celtic-fairy-folk feel about it.  But for all the stuff you have going here, you fail develop any of it.  The narrative and the idea have no personality other broad strokes of victim and predator. Also, the Staff of Destiny, even in a short narrative such as yours, I feel a little cheated when a proper noun item turns that turns out to be game changer was only mentioned asides.  

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Nice concise world that could be a starting place for many plots. Would love some art to go with it. Go to Comment

I love this. Go to Comment

Inner Light Go to Comment

It is fine as is, but no roleplaying notes or thematic considerations? Go to Comment

It would interesting have one of these dragon types as a member of your crew. Go to Comment

What bumps this up for me is the contradictions and problems that the NPC and his current situation presents.  He is a revolutionary and rebel who has found himself a leader.  We need more NP characters like this one.  Many NPCs "make sense" and would be stable and self contained until PCs are thrown into the mix. This NPC is on an unstainable path.  This NPC has a story cause you know he can't last.  Also the phyiscal details are over the top and extreme.  These are kind of physical details that help a spoken word medium like roleplaying.  

 

I think there some broken links and formatting issues that make the post a little incomplete. 

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Is death very fluid to those people? Do you need to start comments with "Consider this"?

I agree with what everyone else said. Go to Comment

Fun, even without the intro it reminded me of Chaucer. So I think you hit the mark. Go to Comment

I love bears

 

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