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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 10
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-08 10:28 PM
Well I am on board, I think you really hit your stride in these last two chapters (they are really too short to call chapters) Over the last two chapters we are still having trouble with timing and physical descriptions of space. But you have also together a very cool and well told arc. First you tell us the enemy has made an alliance with the wizards and that is bad. Then that put everything else that happens under the shadow of that threat. Next you drop the transdimensional Botari on us, neat, I didn't see it coming and it adds a whole new dimension to this work.

One thing you can't shy away from is the romance. Temjun has just lost his wife here, he doesn't know it, but the mind of the girl he loved has been replaced with another mind. She may be a very similar person but she has a lifetime of experience he does not. Will she love her 15 year old husband like she loved her husband in the other dimension? Will they form a connection as equals? This is really interesting stuff.


(I know you take votes very very seriously and are really into the game of the Citadel and all that. But I not really interested into that stuff, I am interested in whether you wrote something I respect, did you have a good idea, and did you develop that idea well.) Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 10
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-09 08:46 AM
Also, does this Temujin want to become a mass murdering warlord? Does Botari want him to become the great Kahn? I guess I will have to wait and see! Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 9
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-08 09:46 PM
"The seven stars forming the Temul’s Tail took turns peeking out from behind the thin gauze that separated the Heavenly realm from the mortal one. The Crunalan Steppe hummed with a soft note that vibrated in the hearts of not just the Ankalis but all Crunalans who live on its vastness."

What happened here? Did everyone just see the sunset and the stars come out have an "I love you man moment?" Or was there really something supernatural at work?

Also I think the term "Tune Out" does not fit with this setting. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 9
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-08 09:58 PM
Wow,

I am not sure who I feel about it, but this story just took a surprise turn! But for better or worse the turn brought me into the story. Instead reviewing the story so that certain aspects could be changed or reworked to better tell the story, I was just hanging try to figure out what was going.

The narrative choices you made to through out everything that happened thus far weave in history again is a unique one. It is tough to take everything your reader may have been invested in and put in the "just a dream" box. Again not sure if it is good move or bad move, but it was an interesting move. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 9
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-08 10:29 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
Dream Tank
Locations  (Other)   (CyberSpace)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-29 02:39 PM


another niche filled and the write up made me snicker a few times



"Seriously, who designs these things, and do they have no idea of personal safety???"


Funny







I will assimilate this rebranding of the troupe and apply it to future cosmic era works

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Dream Tank
Locations  (Other)   (CyberSpace)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-29 02:44 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-05 07:28 PM
Section 1: I really like the non-verbal discussion going on in this section. That is cool. But you could do us favor and work in reminders of who each of these people are. We are still not very far into the book and these people have not done much to make them stand out. Also, this is happening before the events of the previous chapter? Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
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axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-05 07:36 PM
Section 2:

I have no idea what is going on here or who these people are. I suppose Ogul and Sorai are other children. I suppose we will find out later why Chagan's arms feel like mud and what it is her elder sister did. All we know now is there are five siblings. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-05 08:10 PM
I like that you book end with the Bridetest and the descriptions of the sparring are fun and easy to read. But again you don't surprise us with the character's as they spar. I think your prose here is strong, but your scenes are so short that indirectness of your style makes it difficult to put the scene together. By the time you have got it, the scene is over. I would say if you are going to write very short scenes like this be very demonstrative (like writing an abstract) and for most part you are in this case.

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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-05 08:10 PM
I like that you book end with the Bridetest and the descriptions of the sparring are fun and easy to read. But again you don't surprise us with the character's as they spar. I think your prose here is strong, but your scenes are so short that indirectness of your style makes it difficult to put the scene together. By the time you have got it, the scene is over. I would say if you are going to write very short scenes like this be very demonstrative (like writing an abstract) and for most part you are in this case.

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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-05 08:11 PM
I like that you book end with the Bridetest and the descriptions of the sparring are fun and easy to read. But again you don't surprise us with the character's as they spar. I think your prose here is strong, but your scenes are so short that indirectness of your style makes it difficult to put the scene together. By the time you have got it, the scene is over. I would say if you are going to write very short scenes like this be very demonstrative (like writing an abstract) and for most part you are in this case. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-05 10:50 PM
You prose is much more impressionistic than objective or literal. It is not unlike an epic poem, we have a poor sense of time, but we get the broad strokes of it. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-06 04:03 PM
What I meant by surprise is that two characters spar exactly as we would expect them to spar based on earlier descriptions of their personalities.


I have an idea...... Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-06 10:14 PM
Totally forgot said idea....stupid ellipses Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 7
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-30 02:49 PM


To be fair, I don't know what story you want to tell. But I think you have run rough shod over the story thus with out taking time to properly develop plot points or characters. I specifically referring to Botari's story thus far. There is a very interesting story there which you wrote but oddly did not respect. You have this girl suffer a traumatic injury that strips her of memories and perhaps her identity. She then has to struggle to regain a sense of who she is and upon gaining that sense of self she decides to run away. This particular journey of the character is interesting because it filled with risk. We have reason to doubt the other members of her tribe, both because of her amnesia and because of the actions of other characters. We have reason to doubt the soundness of her decision making because of mental handicap. But you spend maybe 1000 words on that total. You keep the character into new scenes and situations that are almost completed divorced from the conflicts and relationships of the previous scene.



Example



We start in chapter one with her walking up slowly in her tent and not knowing anybody. We meet a bunch of characters, but they are largely mysterious because of her amnesia.



Then you jump ahead several months and she healed reconnecting with the steppe. We don't deal with or see any resolution to relationships that were strained in the fist chapter. She is already coy and pouty with her Aunt who she seems to trust and have this very comfortable relationship. This does not build on the isolation and disorientation that you built up in the first chapter



Next her two best friends (pretty much new characters) walk straight of a Nick Sparks novel and have a regressive conversation about marriage. Again the relationships are comfortable and we introduced to a new conflict: marriage. How does her memory loss affect her understanding of marriage and specifically her betrothal? You see you are not connecting the events of the chapters smoothly or even logically. Though admittedly the next chapter, in which she runs aways does follow.



But you then have her chase with kiddnappers. Nicely written but a whole new conflict. Then after that chase she literally runs into another scene, the chase is forgotten and she has another choice to make regarding which tribe to join in the war. Then in the next chapter she has to deal with some guy obsessing over her ears. Nothing has had any real consequence yet, at least not emotionally for the character. It is hard to get invested in a character who herself seems very uninvested in any situation.



I think you should go back to the first 5 of these chapters and write up the story of her recovery from the injury and decision to runaway (take her destiny in her hands) as a complete story. Because that is a complete story, chapter in the character's life if you will and don't feel it is fully resolved before she starts falling in love here.

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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 7
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axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-30 06:00 PM
Writing thoughts


What does this mean

"A golden wave washed over The Ctofalir and the vast plain of the Mistflowers growing to its north, thinning out into gauze-thin shards that swam and swirled once it entered the misty domain. "

Are you describing the sunset here, as you describing the sunsetting or a single moment of the sunset. Are mistflowers literal flowers or just mist rising off the ground? What is the thinning out into gauze-thin shards?

Are you going to come back to the conversation in the ger between the main characters at some point or just going to let that hang?
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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 7
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axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-30 08:24 PM

Skip to chapter 10. And you can't call this plot driven because jump from plot to plot. I don't what you mean by plot. If there is a plot get to it. The characters will come through with the plot.

I think these first 9 chapters will be important for you, as the writer to have in your pocket as backstory. I don't think you have wasted any effort here because you need to have the events that happen prior to the page nailed down, but I would leave them out of the consumer portion of the story. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 7
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-31 01:09 PM
The war council scene is fairly concise and clear. Again you have failed to paint a picture of Bortai's character up to this point, so we are still learning about her, having access to her reactions and thoughts here is very telling piece of characterization. Also how much does her amnesia effect her understanding of what social norms are? When she judges an act as typical of men, can she remember of specific events that supports her opinion? Are these all opinions gained in the past couple of months? Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 6
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axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-29 05:35 PM
The super short chapters provide an almost comic book like pacing, which I don't mind and find interesting. But there is not a lot of meat here and it is difficult to form a strong bond with the characters when we know so little about them. The biggest oversight here is meeting of the lovers.

The line below is confusing and tells us nothing. Yet I gather is a very important moment.

...when she was drawn to a face as if by invisible but inescapable threads. In that brief glimpse, something threatened to flood her chest that she had no comprehension yet.

You should describe the face and were that face is in relation to all the other faces. Also describe the feeling because when I read later in this so called Chapter.

"She also noted that he was probably either the father or uncle of the one who had disturbed the strings of her heart so just moments ago, as a blush crept onto her face that she had no awareness of."

When I read this I had no idea what heart string moment to which you were referring. indeed it is only because of this note that there was a heart string moment that I could interpret the original face draw moment as romantic.
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