I do not have much to say, it is fairly complete and a really good idea. I really like her journal excerpt. Though it does remind me of the princess bride, "All dead or mostly dead" . Mr. Mark, I think this is a great idea Extremely useable and you should add more (because I am sure you have more). It is not nearly close to being too long.
As a painting of a person, we a get a feel for intellectual motivations, but not for her personal style, tone or behavior. Does she make eye contact or have a distant look in her eye? Does she laugh or keep a poker face? She takes an interest in perserving life, but she does take an interest in the content of those lives? Is she interested in the maundane stories of peoples life, their grief, their romances and their observations? What does she do when she needs to unwind? You have a whole section on personality and you don't describe a personality. It is just an extension of her motivation section. If my half-Orc barbarian comes up to a isolated country well, a strings of ears around his neck and sees an albino chic making notes in codex, how will she respond when he wants to regale her with his war poetry? Or other less specific examples....
How does she deal with aging?
How does she eat? Does she gather and hunt, does trade in cash?
I think the rape and murder scene would be more horrific and thus effective if more details were added. Is this her talking in these scenes? Does she start referring to herself in third person after the event? If you gave the rapist and the event more details I think he would be more disturbing. What if he is a boy, what does she see in his eyes, is he smiling while he does these awful things, does he have a mustard stain on his shirt, does he thank god when he enters her? Is their a member of her clan, who is not quite dead, who she sees as she is being attacked, and thus this second violation becomes not just of her but of her family members last memories.
Rain fell and thunder crashed. This sentence would be interesting and necessary only if rain and thunder did something unusual….
“The rain was standing suspended in the air and the lightening appeared to hold its breath unable to speak its thunder clap after pushing back the darkness for this field of slaughter”
As it is I would drop it, we don’t know if it is day or night, winter or summer, hilly or flat, costal or inland (though we learn later it must be the plains). The only important details are that the ground is trampled, telling of us that was much activity, and it is flowing the blood. The first sentence should make you want to read the second sentence. I would drop the first two sentences, and start with rivulets of blood. This paragraph is about what Cela is observing, so you could start the paragraph with what is important her. Building a scene, by giving the readers details and then revealing the horror or the beauty of the scene at the end, work best when the reader is already invested in the outcome of the scene. Perhaps a better opener would be scene of Cela and her clan before the attack.
This is great each one of these could be sub in and of itself, and you really paint a picture of how the every day joe interacts with chrome and its brands. As roleplaying or story telling tool once you have these laid out for the player/reader you could use these to put a mood on a person or place. Go to Comment
I can certainly buy and understand a young man getting swept up in all this and not understanding the risks. He is a nice character, and I applaud your bold and graphic use of in game stats on top of the character write up. Keeping pushing the envelope sir! Go to Comment
I really like this idea and all the ideas, you didn't quite paint us visuals of anything. You would expect, maybe even demand some more descriptive entries from a list of wonders. But I am sucker for enigma gods and dwarves. Go to Comment
I really like what you have here, what would be an interesting if that she imagined most of these insults or exaggerates them. Maybe this is already there and I just missed it, anyway a fun start and I like the voice and perspective of the piece. Go to Comment
Often times, certainly in my case, all it takes to get a fanboy excited about an idea is a phrase: like the "Martin Luther of Autobot philosophy". I find that this sub certainly, as all your posts do and this is why I am such a big fan of your writing, has the spark of fanboydom that could spring board 1000 ideas. But I find it lacks any ideas or imagination of its own.
This sub, feels like a kid sorting his toys into piles. Do you feel like you have added level of depth to transformers or expanded on the transformers mythos setting in a meaningful way with this post? I do not feel like this gives any depth to nor does it add anew dimension to the transformer mythos. or the audiences ability to conceptualize the transformers.
An example of something that added to the audience's understanding of transformer was the quintesson story line from the G1 series. You had a interesting enough concept of giant intelligent robots that adapted to their surroundings by transforming into local vehicles. The quintesson story line by providing an origin story for the transformers add depth and created a story line from which fans could imagine explanations for transformer behavior.
In this post you have listed out the type of transformers, and with out explanation assigned general personalities to these types. In your vision of transformers how is the alternate form selected? How does the alternate form influence the transformers personality? The main goal of this articles strikes me as the introduction of a new vocabulary. This article offers not written explanation of what a transformer is and thus is only accessible to people with a preexisting knowledge of transformers. That makes the content of this post either redundant, for example
The majority of Vehitrons are Autobots, though there are vehicles on the Decepticon side as well. They do not have built in weaponry, generally, and instead favor hand held rifles, pistols, and melee weapons.
or the content is limiting and unsupported by a novel narrative.
Insectitrons: They respect and fear strength, so most aligned insectitrons serve under Decepticon coercion.
I suggest using these terms in a transformers narrative that you are working on or i the context of other transformer posts. The phrases will take your meanings over time. I will try to do the same if and when I post another transformer sub. Go to Comment
Human pets was the one I found the most interesting.
I really really like the idea of this, telling the story of your world through glimpses of culture, events and side-long looks at values. Yet you are not really mocking the language of news like they do in the onion. ButI would suggest making these shorter if you want to play up the humor/silly side. Take the first headline for example
Androids Demand Vote: No humor in the blurb and couple of political facts that could lay the ground work other conflicts or future posts but over all its pretty dry. Add a joke or make the AI protests a satire of modern protests, a allegory for modern protests or add something interesting.
Here are my suggestions if you want to play this for humor. Be warned, I am reaching for low hanging fruit.
Designer pets: I assume you are poking fun at how genetic engineering has become so common place and flippant in your world and how ruthless the commercial interest are
Just cut it down to the punchline, Giant Chihuahuas
Seeing Eye Dog Community Demands A Brail Version: Designer pet enthusiasts no longer satisfied with the tea Great Dane or the Mega Chihuahua can take comfort in *********corps new neon fur genes.
*********, the designer pet corporation, suffered major forth quarter loses when their research team revealed that the their spring line of pets have no noses. Sam Chi, nephew of *********'s founder says "Dudes, I just told the AI that we wanted a dog that wouldn't smell."
Ganymede Revolt "Put Down"
A 30 second data feed was leaked to the CogNet of an exultant 'Commander Talana' claiming that her organization set the explosives at a Bowman colony nigh club to strike a blow at corporate greed and puritanism. Local Law Enforcements says the data feed shows that Talana "is fat, squeaky voiced and mean". The federal delegated interpreted the separatists attack as "Haters Gonna Hate"
Pope upgrades Zuckerberg's canonization status, from "beatified" to "Its complicated". The council of Cardinals will now meets to determine if Zuckerberg has been "Friended" by the divine.
The Tycho Convention is slated to deal with privacy violations and rights in terms to holosimulation in the CogNet late next year. Now, pocket sized scanners can snap between three to ten images to create a rendered model of a person or place to generate in a virtual environment. This has lead to several lawsuits and protests as cutting edge programmers and snapping up replicas of famous people and selling their avatars online. In related new Quickscan shares rose sharply when it was announced that the "Chimera Scan" software would be available next month. One enthusiastic fan said "I gonna be sipping the bubbles, with Keira Daily's head on Tori Maths's body". *Click below to pre-order your copy now.*
The Appalachian Church of Christ Protests Cancelled
The Appalachian Church, figurehead of Christian and Luddite movements has stated that the new Rally Revival series following up it's anti-android and anti-robot protests of last year with has been cancelled. The God Hates Clones campaign was put on hold when routine genetic screening of the ACC congregation revealed that level of genetic diversity among the members was so low that they were all legally considered clones.
A small herd of unicorns exist in an unnamed European state. The animals are designer creations from a North American lab, where the animals were recreated from Andalusian, deer, and narwhal DNA. The lab's litigation and patent infringement AI has already served 170,000 teenage girls and their parents with demands for royalty payments. In related news Noah Floodgate, the director of Association for Ribonucleic acid Conservation (ARC) has said "Don't even try and give me any of that crap".
Solstice Celebration Continues: Spoil Sport Protesters shot.
Syria-Israel Province: Law enforcement used live ammunition to disperse a small protest, barely a dozen people, that marred the annual announcement of the Urban Solstice Celebration Planning Committee. One members of the committee commented "It is sad that there were still people who were trying to pervert the meaning of a joyous commercial holiday with their bizarre religion and zealotry. This holiday is an economic markets, and sales are expected to grow as much as 2.5% over last year's solid growth. Thus the actions of our esteemed law enforcement community were justified. Our predictions show that sustained protests could cost us up to 0.02% retardation of growth" The dead included three astronomy professors from an estimated Far East University, a group of agriculturalists from a local sheep ranch and a local carpenter.
LAPD Shuts Down Jetpack Patrol Force
The skies above LA are a little less safe tonight after the megacity comptroller suspended the use of jetpacks by the police force. Sighting insurance issues following the a rash of accident following the adoption of the Martin Z86 Jetpack. The packs have been recalled by the manufacturer stating faulty turbine blades and overheating problems in the thrust nozzles. The comprtoller suspended all insurance coverage for Jetpack related accidents at 11:58am, and remotely deactivated all jetpacks at 11:59am. This evening the comptroller noted "My policies have already saved the city millions", referring to the two policemen that fell to their deaths at approximately 12:01pm. A third policeman had to be rescued by the fire department.
This exactly the kind of feed back you hope to get, when you post something on the Citadel you hope to get 5 readers in five years, maybe….so I am really honored and excited to have three people read this, and thanks for taking the time to suggest improvements.
The main focus of this story was to be an information dump about dwarves society without just listing facts, but by placing those facts in the context of personal interactions. It is esoteric piece of work, but I enjoyed writing. I also found that writing a story like this went much faster than writing "fact" posts.
The precocious Kiijanavyre character may have been out of my depth as a writer. I needed and wanted a character that was both a child and an adult, that possessed great talents and an intuitive intelligence, but at the same time lacked a great deal of self knowledge and certainty. The type of character/person that can be playful one minute and sophisticated the next because they lack a pretense or sense of self-awareness that would require them to maintain a persona. This is meant to be indirect contrast with the dwarves who very much keep a persona, and are very much worried about presentation. As she interacts with Gorn at the beach she becomes a little self-conscious, starts to pick her words, and eventually in a larger sense no longer pursues her sincere wants but takes a path of duty. I thought it would be banal to make these contrasts any more stark than I did, but I can certainly go in say these things. Yet I would love to know if you saw those things in the story, because what I wanted to put in the story is irrelevant until I put it in the story. I will try to go through say these things more explicitly.
I could make her older if that makes more palatable, I pretty much pulled 15 out of a hat, cause that is likely an adult in a stone age society. If make her 19, will she still seem as vulnerable, will her uncertainty regarding a course of action be understandable? The language thing is cultural, and I only meant her to speak two language fluently, clearly defining the events as they happen in different languages has always been a problem with this setting.
I will add a few lines to the first section to really emphasize her wunderkin status. That also might make the goddess's preoccupation with her specifically more understandable. But I do feel that wunderkin characters are basically annoying and I was trying to strike a balance. The characterization of Kiijanavyre may also be stunted by the lack other interactions with other characters. We can't know if she is a typical 15 year old girls if she never talks to any other humans, we also don't get much a sense for her in her element. Tell me what you think about the addition of scene, in the forest in which
1) she either talks with the druid some about what is coming and what she can expect
2) In beginning when she show the dwarves around, her lecturing Gorn might make a nice arc.
3) Her talking with the Mitirangu priest who gave her bread.
Okay the chronology, I like starting and ending with Kiijanavyre getting in the boat. But you nailed the other jumps directly, I wanted to keep the beach from being an information dump. But I also want to distinguish Gorn on the road from Gorn at the beach, the contrast in behaviors was deliberate, but maybe I am trying to do too much. I wrote this in a linear fashion and then cut it up when posting. So there are not even designed transitions between the scenes. Go to Comment
Update: reworked the chronology some, the beach events are now in order. I also added more details regarding Kiijanavyre's inner dialog and another Kiijanavyre conversation in order to try address some of Dossta's comments. Go to Comment
First I glad you got and liked the thing about owning her soul as being a positive. I ran this whole Parna campaign for years and the whole world was based on two phrases from one my friends, "What if were like outlaws, and the campaign was more Robinhood than Conan." Anyway, as the campaign went on the PCs became more and more pro-establishment. They always seemed really comfortable with the God's owning their souls and using them as betting tokens. I glad somebody finally got what I was trying to say and thought it was interesting.
As for the human truisms, this one was meant to be an information dump, it was attempt to experiment with different ways of presenting information about RPG worlds aside from listing facts in the GM voice.
But I feel you about tone pulling out of the story, as re-read this so many things seem misplaced, I never liked the rythem of the dialog between the two, and the tone seems uneven (was shooting for the bitter sweetness of leaving home and growing up).
Dossta was right the Kii character needs more a stream to her.
But when you talk about the difference between the spoken and written word, are you talking about the Goddess's pontification about Holy Books or are you taking about the characters' dialog? Go to Comment
What about a 'criminal' society with distinct laws - for stealing, the larger the value of something stolen, the less punishment the courageous thief recieves (but must return it of course). For this pirates(?) caught petty thieves deserve to be punished harshly. If you take, you better take a lot.