Echo wrote "In the vast expanse of space, no one can hear you scream; it is a place dangerous, the final proving ground, where on a grand stage the future of races is decided, often with coherent light and nuclear fire.
While those lacking sufficient might and unity to withstand an external threat often vanish from the pages of history, for some, violence is not the be-all end-all solution at hand, but a final recourse when reason has failed."
I think what you want to say here is that space is so vast (see Douglas Adams) that once warfare reached an intrastellar scale it was easy for whole races to be wiped out. That a single race can not stand alone against a whole galaxy of potential threats. I know you are also trying set a mood but the message is not coming through clearly.
Try something (I am trying to keep with your semi-biblical tone here): *On their home world the Kiranti had long ago put way the childish tools of war in favor of resolving disputes through comprimise and dicussion. As a result the Kiranti could focus the lives of their people and the resources of their planet into art and science. Once the Kiranti entered the galactic stage of intrestellar relations they first thought that Kiranti way was the exception and that most races had focused their energies on new fantastic forms of war. What they soon learned was the Kiranti way of peace was not the exception, but rather it was the survival of peaceful peoples that was the unusual.*
From there you can go into their early wars and their formation of the alliance and then Haven Station.
Again I think things you want to communicate are:
Space is violent and you can't avoid the violence
The Kiranti are not immune to the threats of space and they know it
The Kiranti prefer diplomatic or non-violent solutions to things, though they aren't opposed to violence. Go to Comment
I disagree I believe there is empirical nature to prose. Whether you prefer the sentence structure of D.H. Lawerence over Charles Bukowski is a matter of taste, but if we were to break down their work we would find similar levels of communication to the reader.
Though I may very well have lost the tone, and disregarding my rewrite lets take this piece apart.
"In the vastness of space no one can hear you scream"
What is being communicated here, and what does this phrasing seek to set as a tone? Does the Haven of Voices refute the above mantra by allowing a place where voices can be heard? These are things being hinted at but not expanded on, and thus lost. Go to Comment
A lone figure strolls out on to a grey field beneath a greyer sky, he vaguely resembles a once great rock icon who is now reduced to a kitsch mascot of hubris and the James Dean principal. The ground before the figure is barren and pock marked. He makes his way between piles of still smoldering conjunctions and broken down adjectives. The air is heavy with the smell of innuendo and in the distance he can hear the sounds of various insults, their motors still idling. He picks up a half empty case of punctuation marks and rifles through it. "Only semi-colons" he says with disgust, but before he can place the case back on the broken earth he sees something. There was something beneath all these broken and misused sentences. Bending down the figure brushes aside some dirt, and finds the remains of some ones good intentions. Examining his find the figure realizes that those intentions had attempted to ride onto this field upon untamed enthusiasm. The evidence is clear though, they-both the intentions and enthusiasm- met their end here. If only there was a place where voices could heard; a Haven for communication and the resolution of opposing ideas. Go to Comment
"The duration does not jive with it being able to survive long enough to become bleached yellow, since the caster will need to sleep sometime and that will stop concentration."
I anticipated this question. I think it depends on the system. In a point based magic system, the PC may just allocate a number of their spell points to maintaining the boat. I wanted to differentiate between actively concentrating on the ship, which was not my intention, and maintaining the ship through a focus of arcane power. How should I rephrase that? Go to Comment
All your questions revolve around system of magic and GM preference. I am not going to get into it anymore then I have.
But you did hit on thing I have wanted to improve about this post, as too spell "Maintaing" I did envision on ongoing pay out for a point system or burning one of the spell slots per day. I wanted to get at that without sounding system specific, but you are the second person to bring this up so I am failing. I changed it once as Manfred had suggested, prior to your post. What do you suggest I say about duration?
Let me start by saying
“vladimir ilyich ulyanov…V.I. F@$&ING LENIN”
Short answer: I was being sarcastic…sort of
At the time this was written, there was another guy posting, essentially trolling, (and I wish I still had his write up-in fact I will send him a PM maybe he gets email alerts and will get back to me) but this guy pointed out a series of events. Anyway what he wrote up was more or less as follows-
First MH responded to two comments I made (one comment I made to his scenes from a modern city-I don’t remember the other one). Then within minutes of responding to my comments on his post he made two rather angry tone comments on my post, he posted to two very negative comments on my two highest rated posts. They were old posts, not on the main page anymore, so he would have had to look them up. Anyway this third party guy, wrote a long write up about it and PMed it to me-Moonhunter and some other people.
I told the guy, his name/handle was non-contrived name (cute-huh), to stop messing with me. Because discussions about what somebody meant on a message board are generally banal. And despite the clear and convincing evidence that Moonhunter was being retaliatory or vindictive, there will be nothing gained by making a big deal about. (You have to own it Moon) Cause it was obvious this third party was just trying to stir up crap and Moonhunter and I agreed to drop it. So my comments that Moon was being vindictive was a statement to the moot nature of such vindictive gestures (whether made by Moon or by contrived name). At worst I have to ignore a vindictive post and at best, I respond to it and it makes my post better. But you are right, it is a distraction from the post I will remove it. Go to Comment
well the post does say flesh and bone corpses? How would you word it and what limitations would you put on it.
As for the spell working too fast, I do remember one time almost getting into a exchange about whether or not is was reasonable for somebody to move 30 ft and cast a fireball spell. Then it hit me....
Finally, I did envision this as a high level spell or expensive spell if you are using a point system. I tried to indicate that with the flavor text describing to obviously powerful individuals who out lived everyone else. So you think the sub would be stronger if I said this can only be cast by high level/power necromancers. Go to Comment
Ah when I submitted this on the Grey Citadel (bracket) strong (bracket) translated to bold but now on Sepia Citadel I have to go back to the old bold ....I don't even want to look at the order of the single cut. still need to change all the s to s. But first I going to go back up my old 3.5 floppies. Go to Comment
I like it, and I would use it. But before I used him I would have to answer some questions about kaide, a least for myself as a GM.
First are there things he will not do? I would imagine betray, his family, country men or those who trust him.
How does he see his victims? My first thought is he dehumanizes them. He kills from a distance and seems to kill people who have not put direct trust into him. He kills strangers who have no reason to trust him. But that is a slippery slope. Society is built on a trust of all those around us, so does Kaide only kill those from outside his country?
What are his ambitions?
How would Kaide respond to his counter part?
What are his other interests beside books, politics and murder? Go to Comment
The image of hero's cowering beneath a land slide that turns out to be a bunch dwarf kids is a great one. That is what bumped this up to a 3 for me, because otherwise this seems like a very esoteric toy. Go to Comment
There is a similar submission to this somewhere on this site in which an NPC has ring (that he can't remove) which attracts monsters/evil and his traveling from town to town like a plague. At least I think it is on this site somewhere, at any rate I used it twice as a GM.
Other possible hooks:
A chance for the PCs to proactive instead of reactive....
The PC are following Asdas and Horlord not specifcly but were tasked by the sovergin to find out what was causing this series of crimes along the frontier. They would move through a couple of towns and find stories of tragedies which correlate with the arrival of Horlord. I used this basic premise as a GM a couple of times, both times my PCs were stumped as to what to do with a passive threat.
Saving Private Horlord...
Horlord's brother (or close relative) is the blacksheep of the family, and has become wealthy and powerful by unethical means. He hires the PCs to free his brother of this item and return Horlord to home community whether Horlord wants it or not. (any harm that befalls Horlord will be 5 time revisited upon the PCs and all that) In this case you may get more into Horlord as a character. Perhaps while he doesn't enjoy his task the weight of the burden may have warped his psyche. His whole self-image may be wrapped up in being the barer of the Asdas and he refuses to give it up and can't believe there is a solution to the problem. Or the PC may find only a temp. fix for the problem, something Horlord will be opposed to, even though he is only a temp. fix.
A bigger threat...
A powerful wiseman (priest or leader) knows that the Asdas is moving through his kingdoms. He hires or commands the PCs to make sure it gets through the Kingdom okay. Thus they have to travel with Horlord and protect him. The adventure could fold into a few of the other plot hooks. At any rate the PCs learn the nature of the Asdas and Horlord. Little do they know that the Asdas is only half of an item that got seperated in the void. The other half landed in this country and wants to rejoin. The other half has the greater intellect while the half Horlord carries has the great power. The PCs are finally confronted by being (perhaps the wiseman) in control of the other half who promises if it is given to him he will destroy it. The joining of the two items would be a much greater threat than either alone. Thus what had been a roving minor threat is now a direct threat on a much greater scale. Go to Comment
Don't those space elves -I can't even recall their name well enough to even look it up*, but their accessories include battle bears, the embassy on Venus with the hyper-sexual ambassador/huntress, a giant organic space ship-have a type of living fabric?
*say what you want about the Drow but at least their creator had the foresight to name them something everybody could remember, spell and pronounce. Go to Comment
I know how hard it is to edit a piece based on your own ideas. The words on the page on the words in you head keep overlapping. Second, I think GM often write things with style better suited to the spoken word in which tone, rhythm and context can make a huge difference. It is a trap I often fall in.
Nice idea, the Orc as Native American's and all, but it is just awfully written. I have posted a marked up version in the "in work" section. Go to Comment