I agree with Dossta you get a good view of the characters surface, but there is not enough of the deeper stuff. You learn nothing intimate about the character that makes you think you know that guy any better than the guy standing next to him. I think if you are writing this for a player the character has to have tinge of personality. We get that he is arrogant, distant and emotionally dissconnected, but is there something more to him. I am sure you had some other details in mind about this guy aside from his favorite colors.
As a list the idea comes across as silly, obvious and heavy handed. The word play and alliteration are cute. Yet I still think this could be a useful addition to a GM binder, unless the players are presented with a catalogue of colourful weapons the nature of these items would become apparent over time, and thus imbued with more subtlety. But again you may have silly or magic heavy campaigns or more "classic" juvenile games in which each players carrys a pallet of legendary weapons with titles such as knasty knife or leacherous lance.
I agree with Echo, a PC write up section could be fun and useful. I have a run a lot of games with pre-gen character concepts for the players to choose from. And more mainstream role-playing (i.e. Solve the murder parties) generally work from pre-gen character system. So I think Echo has made a good call here.
As I read this I thought the character seemed immediately familiar and thus accessible. Of course that is what you get with genre fiction, is derivative character and plots. I am not a literary scholar but I would bet that the scholars have at least agreed that one of the signatures or inventions of gothic/Victorian literature was the empowered yet elegant woman. (Not liberated mind you, but at least empowered) It would be interesting the chart the evolution of this archetype. In that same vein I suggest adding the character a habitual correspondence with a confidant of some sort: a sister or aunt. A player needs to find a voice, and in a character with such manner and reserve the spoken lines are only going to be the surface of a much deeper thought process. She needs an audience for inner thoughts, it could be a sister or an aunt or in this case even a spirit or bound demon.
For example when the Dame meets the other members of her team say the smarmy South American hypnotist, the “savage” tracker from Greenland, and the young disheveled French expert on “wireless” electricity, it would give the player something to latch on to if instead of just thinking of the Dame’s opinion try to imagine how the Dame would describe these characters to her sister.
I thought the intro story was fantastic, it was a little inaccessable written as transcript on sound rather than a discription of sound and at time confusing, but I think that was part of its strength. For the often banal and direct world of roleplaying, most creative risks in write up of support piece such as the intro rarely play off. I think it worked in this case.
Running this character as NPC could also present quite a challenge. In roleplaying it is difficult as a PC or a GM running an NPC to play a character with a great deal of internal dialog or conflict. But the details you provide would be a great aid in trying to run such a character. Roleplaying is already surreal, we you bring in more surreal stuff into you threaten to tip the balance away from something the whole group can hold on to. But the amount of details you have the character in this post would be very help in bringing such as unhinged character into the game. the irony is that it easier to bring vague and ephemerial stuff into the game when you have the details of the vague and ephemerial stuff down pat.
In one now famous shadowrun campaign from the 90s, when the anti-heros reach the room with the CGM, they find a thousand pound cow. The cow is the vehicle for the CGM and they have to lead the cow through firefights and make stealth escapes with cooperative thousand bound beast that can neither scale walls or fit in a standard size automobile. I am more or less with Hylandpad on this, if this is a submission on McGuffins or sci-fi hand waiving then it could use some more build up in those areas. There is odd mix of specific and generalities in this that negates much of the value. This could be interesting lead into to a discussion on these topics. . .
One thing we fanboy/rpg types have in common is that we often don't enjoy media for the content alone, but rather we see the speculative fiction, high concept and high design ideas as jumping off point for own ideas. (This isn't just me, there is a whole doctoral dissertation written around that very thesis). Thus I could see this being enjoyed as a story primer. But as actual tool for direct use in gaming, it doesn't offer much, at least nothing not already covered in Cobra's quest to make Serpentor, the TMNT origin story, 12 monkeys, and another of other stories.
Strolen, am sure these aren't fun things to post and that people must look to you full fill a role that you didn't ask for or imagine when you started this site. Thanks, seriously, for stepping up and asking for a higher standard of the site that carries your name. IGo to Comment
I thought this was good and it always nice to read an idea I am on board with, but I more on board with Scrasamax on this one in expecting some gimmick, trick it or meat to it.(as soon he finds out I am board he will be swimming to the next port). Yet you make a good point and give us a few examples on how to implement that point.