Strolen\s Citadel content. 
The Glades
Locations  (Establishment)   (Forest/ Jungle)
axlerowes's comment on 2011-05-03 03:55 PM


I thought the first few paragraph were very solid prose, not fancy or mind blowing but clear and illustrative.  Also I think this sort thing a "minor place" is exactly the kind of thing one might seek another's imagination in order to flesh out.   I like it all but it just sort of drift off into forgetable.  The flavor the place never really gets out in this write up.  You describe the place effectively, as if you have been there, but you don't take us there.


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The Glades
Locations  (Establishment)   (Forest/ Jungle)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-25 09:10 AM
Sorry I never answered your questions. As Valad suggests below, a write up of Lars could do it, but I would enjoy a slice of life blurb. But it is a nice solid post. Go to Comment
The Glades
Locations  (Establishment)   (Forest/ Jungle)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-26 10:15 AM
revoted upon reread Go to Comment
Starkin Entities
Society/ Organizations  (Political)   (World Wide)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-01-01 08:04 PM
It does not really stand on its own, but I like the content. The information presented is straight forward and lays out seeds for other story's or situations. It would not make much, a few headers and an summary or intro paragraph to make this into some thing that works on its own and has a clear voice and sense of perspective. Go to Comment
Burn Box
Dungeons  (Any)   (Traps)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-02-20 08:04 PM


IMHO:



I get the idea, but the write up is really confusing.  



 



Edits



"anything you don't want to keep others away from are kept in this chest."  I don't think the word don't should be in this sentence. 



In the first sentence of the last "paragraph", I think spy should be plural. 



Thought:



This is a good canidate for the 100 word treatment.


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100 Unique Town/City Properties
Locations  (Other)   (Any)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-11-03 09:34 AM
I like these tools for gaming, they are not in depth disquisitions or stories, but they are fun. Nicely done. Go to Comment
100 Unique Town/City Properties
Locations  (Other)   (Any)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-11-10 08:35 PM
Bump, my comment may have sounded negative, but I admire this. Go to Comment
The Last Zombie
Plots  (Duty)   (Single-Storyline)
axlerowes's comment on 2010-10-20 04:39 PM


Darkman with a bombstick, 



 



The mysterious stranger,



-hunted by a highly trained cladestine military team,



-traveling from town,



-delivering enigmatic one-liners to bartenders



-complete badass.



 This has been done and done better. The fact the people think he is the last of undead is kind of interesting, but overall no. 


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Hak the Gnoll
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2010-01-14 06:30 PM
When I started reading this I was unimpressed, another violent demi-human thug with a single syllable name and another mage succumbing to the hubris of his own powers...4 years old know these troupes.

But for some reason, and perhaps I have the intellect of a 4 year old, I was completely charmed by the end of the read. I think it was the quiet moment you described in which the one dimensional character has to look around and find some motivation. You gave things just enough depth to make this a fun and usable NPCs that is accessable enough to be placed in any campaign. I like it. Go to Comment
Baked Adventurer Anyone?
Dungeons  (Any)   (Traps)
axlerowes's comment on 2011-04-19 10:29 AM
Nice enough trap, would a be great intro encounter to set the mood for a crawl. Go to Comment
Cannibal Magic
Systems  (Mystical)   (General)
axlerowes's comment on 2010-01-11 06:07 PM
In addition to what was said I think a stumbling block to this as written work is the voice of the piece. This is written by a gamer for gamers with out any context provided; such as history of Auromancy or personal accounts of asuramancy. Yet you do allude to a cultural context "...social stigma around it in the civilized world, although Asuramancy tends to have a worse reputation...used by witch doctors of jungle tribes and the occassional shaman of a barbarian clan." You then go into discussing specific game mechanics. I know this is how 1st and 3ed DnD books are written, but it is intermingling information that does not go together. Are you discussing the culture of asuramancy or potential game system? Both are interesting and worth discussing, but it doesn't serve your game system discussion to discuss cultural baggage without a context for the baggage (or the voice in which it is discussed). I think you dealt with this well in one of you previous posts. http://strolen.com/viewing/Accomodations_in_a_Box

If you want to make this accessible in generic fashion then you don't need to allude to specific opinions or you could discuss its game use in a general fashion considering multiple play styles.
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Cannibal Magic
Systems  (Mystical)   (General)
axlerowes's comment on 2010-01-11 06:11 PM
So this how we could make a Windigo. I like this idea a lot, and I think you developed it nicely. The system specific doesn't bother me, and the exemplary story rounds out the piece nicely. I hope to work a version of this into my game, see how my PC respond to it.
Thanks Go to Comment
Cannibal Magic
Systems  (Mystical)   (General)
axlerowes's comment on 2010-01-12 01:18 AM
It was a fine submission and you don’t need to change anything. The point I was making is that your submission did not have a consistent voice. The problems with the consistence of voice and perspective is something innate to gaming because the game straddles two points of view, the vantage taken by the players and mechanics and the view of the perspective of the characters and in narrative personalities and systems. This piece is largely a description of a system, and it is written with such a voice. When you start discussing in game matters such as the fact that this is a relatively common practice among jungle tribe and the people view it negatively you start to discuss things as seen from in game perspective. You stated in a discussion of this post:

“In my mind there are several world parameters which to me are a given. For example, I assume that in a civilized society, things like murder, theft, incest, torture, rape, cannabalism, and similar activities are against the law (even if the law is corrupted, otherwise people don't feel safe and you have an unstable government). I'm sure that from society to society the methods of dealing with people who engage in such activities vary greatly and the method of catching such people is different. But to me they are still a standard. Even in our world today, whether living in a Hindu, Moslem, Buddist, or Christian nation, these acts are punishable by law. That standard is where I draw my cultural comments such as "social stigma around it". And draw the conclusion that cultures that are considered "uncivilized" or "savage" would be the likely breeding grounds for such a magic system to dwell.”

This is certainly intuitive, but what does discussing it add to your submission? If as you say these things are a given; is there a need to discuss the context in which cannabalism is viewed? Things like murder, theft and other “crimes” are viewed in a matter of degree in all cultures. For example a biography of Wild Bill Hickok states that he “killed 17 men, not counting Indians and Confederates” which says a lot about how killing was viewed at the time. Perhaps he was a savage, but there were obviously different standards applied to the act of killing based upon the context. I am not saying you need to change your submission, and it is perfectly reasonable to discuss both in game views and out of game views in a submission. But you implementation of both perspectives is intermingled in way that doesn’t put a clear context to the in game information. The short story at the end has a context, because it is presented as a example.
Additionally you don’t go into the metaphysics of your system. Which is fine if only discussing a system, but an example question would be why does eating a Troll in this context run threat of making one evil while just killing a troll does not? Is it Karma, is it a celestial score keeper or judge, or is it that evil spirits travel through the flesh marked by the above mentioned mystical symbols? Each GM will resolve this for themselves I suppose, but you attempt a minor explanation of it. This post works fine as a system, I like the idea and I will base some item in my own game world around your idea. But you tried to put this into a cultural context which is unnecessary for a post of this kind (though not a useless addition), and the context for this information was incompletely developed.
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Zombie Day
Systems  (Societal/ Cultural)   (Specific)
axlerowes's comment on 2010-10-29 07:56 AM


I love this, it is funny, complete, well presented and I love the tone in which it was written.   Straight forward and without much flourish or hyperbole-I think that adds to the excellent tone of the piece. I did not vote in the zombie quest, but this post makes me wish I had.  



 

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Zombie Day
Systems  (Societal/ Cultural)   (Specific)
axlerowes's comment on 2010-10-29 01:10 PM
Psst...dude there is no answer, he made it up. There are no actual facts associated with this post. Go to Comment
Wangadi Fruit
Lifeforms  (Flora)   (Desert)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-12-21 01:04 PM
I love this idea. I am going to stand with Redgre with my love for "typical fantasy items". I also think you have a believeable phenotype which would fit most gamers understanding of evolution, and as suggested they would be fun to throw at Ogres.

Is there a fantasy flora codex, you could stick this in there with the flamesilk and other interesting world flavors?

Thanks for writing this. Go to Comment
Magehunter Blonde
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-12-15 07:58 PM
This is good idea, but its not a character. It is part character, part plot and an lot of chrome.
I think the style in which it is written communicated the flippant and shallow tone you wanted to convey, and in that since it is success. You also convey the imagery involved with your character in a very successful manner.

But you give us no since of the character is and maybe that is intentional. Maybe the character doesn't have a much personalty outside of his personal style, but you can convey that in a more subtle manner. For example you could discuss all the time he spends, trying on pants, the way his method for removing his glasses after a entering room speaks more to how he looks in the room than to what he looks at in the room.

Also, if somebody is truly a cool dude, you don't need to tell anybody that, it should just be evident. Unless you were being ironic, which was not evident.

Overall I liked it, it is a nice starting point. Go to Comment
Ghost Lantern
Items  (Other)   (Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-10-09 05:16 PM
Nice useful item Go to Comment
The Canticles of the Damned
Systems  (Divine/ Spirit)   (Specific)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-12-21 01:20 PM
Maybe we need to some discussion about how this text is realized in the world? It is written on walls and memorized, but by who? How is the text interpreteted? If you want to keep it open ended and don't want to give it a more "generic" utility you could give several examples of how it has been used in your game or in the world you designed it for. Go to Comment
The Canticles of the Damned
Systems  (Divine/ Spirit)   (Specific)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-12-21 02:34 PM
I read the linked subs regarding this post, and they are very promising and peak my interest even more. I like the ideas behind the world. I recognize that it is a formible formating issues to make all those concepts that you have developed for your world into intresting stand alone posts. Good luck. Go to Comment
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