Strolen\s Citadel content. 
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 12
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-16 09:29 PM
Borokhula is my favorite character so far. You done more for him in half a page than you have for any other character thus far (the chapter 3 re-write does do more Botari and her father however). What I thought you did really well her was put us in the room with Borokhula and put us n Borokhula's head. I am going to try this in the next scene I write. That was a nice scene, only one quip, that I think will really help the scene.
"much to the annoyance of Donoi though Donoi dared not show it" so here we break away from the limited third person and get view of Donoi's inner dialog. It kind of us takes us out the scene, but it is not necessary Borokhula is so observant that he would no doubt know what Donoi is feeling and what he dare not show. Any nice scene, maybe you can pump up the foreshadowing when Botari saw Donoi in the previous chapter. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 12
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-17 11:20 AM
Don't try to avoid this switching perspective thing if you are doing it on purpose than just go with. Me picking on perspective is only slightly less pedantic than those sad petty folk who with a smug pride and aplomb pick on grammar (you are not one such person). Joyce Carol Oates, who I am told is a great writer, and indeed I do find her short fiction very effecting, will flip perspective dramatically. And don't get me started on Neuromancer, and who's voice is telling that story. But my point is having the eye of the third person omniscient perspective float around the page with the action is not a bad thing. I don't think you should avoid it. I do suggest that you think of that shifting perspective as kind like a character in the room or spotlight following the action. When you move the perspective take some time with it. Ask why the perspective is taking a moment to peel this persons thoughts back or if moving the spot light too quickly will cause the scene to loose focus. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 12
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-16 09:40 PM
second scene is pretty strong too. But I assume it is deliberate that you left on the actual meaning of the thought message and I think that is a nice touch. Not quite sure on the perspective here. We we get Botari's thoughts and some of the other character as well, but not all the characters. Also I can't forget that Botari now has the mind of elderly woman and that her council and thoughts should be wiser and drawn more from personal experience than the other characters. But other the flow and content of the character is strong.

Minor suggestion, I wouldn't have had my meeting in ger or yurt. Those things are paper thin and you can't always see who is on the other side. I have slept in a yurt camp before, you can have conversations at night with the person in the next yurt without raising your voice. Go to Comment
Hobbit Chair and Eat Racing
Systems  (Societal/ Cultural)   (Specific)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-16 08:14 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ypyy3VGsmF8

But if you really hate hobbits, please consider making them your replacement for goblins. You could take everything hobbity and twist it towards malevolence. No unlike the town council in "Hot Fuzz". Go to Comment
The Broken Peace
Plots  (Discovery)   (Single-Storyline)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-15 08:24 PM
Ah the old goblins aren't really monsters it is we that are the monsters trope. One of my favorites, and this particular post is a straight forward idea presented in as bare bones outline. i like the climax in which the character will have to fight a bunch of bugbears, being that they have only encountered a few vicious ones so far. Nicely done. Go to Comment
The Broken Peace
Plots  (Discovery)   (Single-Storyline)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-29 07:24 AM
That is funny Go to Comment
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-15 08:24 AM
First, Thanks for the comment!
Second. No, it is not finished in as much as there will be a follow up posts. I have modeled this on Moonlake's "Return of the White Deer" posts. It is a different style of posting, and I am never sure how to vote on it either.
Third: I would love some proof reading thanks for asking! But I am trying to take a risk with some of the spoken dialog, and make that a little inaccessible, oddly phrased and poorly worded at times. But other than the spoken dialog if the grammar or spelling is off or there seems to be a word missing then it is likely a true error. And there are likely a lot of them, Go to Comment
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-15 05:39 PM
Write what you know Go to Comment
Drofor's Grotesquery
Items  (Art and Music)   (Cursed)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-14 11:33 AM
I really liked this, I thought the titular painting was well described and the ideas presented here are promising. The paintings are dangerous, unpredictable and not well understood (in world), that fact plus the tale described above is a great prologue for a personal adventure. However, the story itself works as an interesting anecdote without a need for expansion in as much as it gives the reader a new avenue of imagination. I also thought the world building was strong. You seem take a type of bronze age mythology (living with a god for a generation century) and mix it with late renaissance or enlightenment type sensibilities and material culture; Balls, Art Collection, Oil painting on canvas, Money Driven Economies. The theme of the tale has very dada-esque/surrealist quality, because there seem to be a clear distance between the the reality of the mind and reality. I enjoyed that as well. But in addition to the style of the world you unpack these painting with a lot of other interesting tid-bits regarding secret cults with orgy rituals, rivalries between ancient and newer gods and so on. Again, impressive and nicely executed.

The prose starts with higher mind style than it finishes with and there are few rough patches. Examples
"The self-portrait was the first which many of them saw, and in the centre of the ballroom there was a ravaging, raping mess of bodies. In the middle was the hostess herself. She gave birth to a baby girl..."

The shift of time from the orgy to the birth of the girl here is not clear between these two sentences. It becomes clear later but at this point you have the character in the middle of an orgy described as a "raping mess" giving birth to a child.


"The shadows are recognisable as being the arms of Voorm-Sotha, the shadow spider, who was an enemy of primitive humanity. It is believed that Voorm-Sotha was a fairytale, though his appearance in a painting by the Ascarya should cast suspicion on that.

The strangeness of this painting comes in when taking a look at history. Voorm-Sotha, if he existed at all, would have existed thousands and thousands of years ago. Drofor, however, is still alive. But Drofor was not yet alive when Kala painted this, three hundred years ago."

These two paragraphs run all over the place with regard to tense and perspective. Go to Comment
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-13 10:40 AM
The assumption must be that the catalytic fields require less energy than is released by the reaction. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 11
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-11 09:33 PM
So Temujin believed her? Do you want it to be ambiguous what she told him here or did you mean to communicate that Botari explain that she is possessed by the spirit of an elderly woman that was married to Temujin's genocidal doppleganger from another dimension.

So was this their first time?

Any risk of getting pregnant?

Also did you intend to communicate prior to this whether or not this dimensional jumping was planned? Was the Botari from the other dimension also possessed by a Botari from another dimension and so on like a mirror turned in on itself? Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 11
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-12 05:22 PM
"Clarity: are what you wrote conveying what you meant to say?" Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 11
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-13 08:33 PM
Wasn't the bride test her going out on the Steppe and her groom having a year to find her as proof that he was worthy or they were meant to be together? Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 11
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-16 09:19 PM
Moby Dick is worth it, it is surprisingly funny book.

Treasure Island...I can't remember if I finished it either, required reading grade school.

But Cup of Gold is fun pirate adventure book, written by the world's greatest fan boy. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 11
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-12 08:20 AM
Again you have a very jarring pacing to the work, the ambush is already forgotten...

Why are you leaving the conversation out of the story? This is in a sense their first meeting so what she says and she responds to him is very important.

Consummate means sex in a romantic context, so you got to be very clear if you are using the consummate here to mean only a kiss. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 11
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-13 04:01 PM
Back to the ambush, I get the point of it. It establishes two things; one it re-affirms how dangerous the steppee is. (Nothing good ever happens when these people leave their Gers) and it brings Botari into the group in manner that both establishes her as important and powerful, but also something of leader. But the one point in which you mention the ambush in part 2 is just to say that it really had no consequences. Thus, without consequences the scene has very little weight and very little drama, two horses and several people are killed or injured and the gang moves on.

Is this lack of weight to these action a statement you want to make about violence and killing on the steppee, as well the personal value these young boys place on the lives of their horses? If it is then well done: Violence and killing are as light an action as skipping a stone across a pond and your horse can be replaced with a thought.

But do we even need the ambush?
Yes the ambush does give Temjuin and Botari meeting some structure and really forces them together, but I think it would be more daring to present the scene as somewhat awkward or at least romantically daring. She has reversed the Bride Test here, that could be cool.

Just one 15 year old girl (who believes she is possessed by the spirit of a 15 year old boys wife from another dimension) asking a 15 year old boy to love her is dramatic enough! Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 11
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-16 08:39 PM
The second scene in this chapter appears to carry no meaning or arc. The characters appear to have no interest in what is going on. They are not trying to obtain anything from the interactions,there is no conflict in the interaction and there is very little characterization in the interaction. I found the bits about Crunalan and Mongol culture, how they were similar and how they differed, interesting. If you want to go off on little pontifications about scenery cultures in these chapter, like the inbetween chapters in Moby Dick or Cup of Gold (Steinbeck's under respected pirated adventure novel) ,I think you should embrace these thoughts. Go to Comment
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-08 09:41 AM

LIFE SUPPORT SYSTEM TERMINOLOGY



Modular life support refers to life sustaining clothing. This could be an autonomous space suit but it also may be a suit that links into and is supported by on board system. But when a ship is described as having Modular Life support it is assumed that consumables are brought with the crew when they board. The internal life support systems ones that are part of the ship design and means that a passenger or crew member can survive in the cabin without protective clothing or his/her own source of breathable atmosphere. Internal Life Support is further broken down into standard or atmospheric. Atmospheric life support provides air pressure, a stored breathable air mixture, temperature control and radiation shielding. A standard life support system, referred to as standard because it is the required system on all dynastic spacecraft, includes gravity, nutrients and water. Within this category you also have sustaining life support. This is system by which the ship's life support purges itself of impurities created by passengers and actively produces new consumbles. This includes waste recycling, and a CO2 to O2 cycle. Cryogenic life-support means that there is a stasis chair or cryopot on the ship that can suspend life functions using minimal power.

Go to Comment
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-01 11:41 PM

I. Assembly-000122 (Echo)


A. Purpose: Scout/Courier


B. Design Type: Pod


C. Faction: Dynastic Navy


D. Crew Requirement: 1


E. Life Support: Internal-Standard-Sustaining-Cyrogenic


F. Communications



1. High power EM Transmitter



2. Standard EM receiver



3. Two-way neutrino beam up link system4


G. Sensors



1.Passive EM



2. Dark Matter Monitor



3. Passive Tachyon



4. Telephoto



5. Gravity Barometer



6. Neutrino Sink


H. Armament



1. 1x50Mw Garnet Laser Cannon


2. ECM



ca) EM Displacement Field


I. Reactor



1. 4xMicro Fussion Reactor (Lvl 5)



2. Dense Matter Reactor-Jump Drive Only (Lvl 2)


J. Consumables



1. Micro Fission Reactor (30,000 hrs)



2. Dense Matter Reactor-12 Jumps



3. Life Support: (3,008 hrs)


K. Cargo Space



1. 1000 liters


L. Computer Rating: Modular (Lvl 10)


M. Hull



1. IDF (Lvl 3)


N. Atmospheric Flight: NA


O. Interstellar Drive: D-Jump Drive


P. Sublight Drive: Ion Drive



1. Acceleration (Lvl 5)



2. Maneuverability (Lvl 1)


Q. Airlock: Yes


R. Secondary Power System



1. Deployable Solar Sail



2. Battery


S. The Echo was designed to provide the Dynastic Navy with a courier ship that could function like the Nice or the Peoria, but with more of emphasis on military observation and communication. The Echo is intended to jump into a system, transmit a data package or take some sensor readings and jump out. The laser cannon serves more as active sensor beam than an actual weapon in that military scouts will use it to light up curious looking masses. I found it interesting that the Dynasty chose to go with a manned ship rather an autonomous intelligent ship. Perhaps they thought it was cheaper. The modular computer systems are quite powerful, as one would expect in a ship required to process and communicate yottabytes of information, and is also required to interpret the reading from a Dark Matter Monitor. Despite the presence of the powerful computers, the lack of the AI still means that interpretation of the data is still a pilots judgement call. -G.G. Nubb

Go to Comment
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-01 11:47 PM

II. BLADE-9987(8) (Origin)


A. Purpose: Scout/Skirmisher


B. Design Type: Convential Aeronautical


C. Faction: Dynastic Interests


D. Crew Requirement: 1


E. Life Support: Internal-Standard-Sustaining-Cyrogenic


F. Communications



1. Standard EM Transmitter and Receiver


G. Sensors



1. Passive EM



2. Neutrino Sink



3. Gravity Barometer



4. Magnetic Field Tracker



5. Passive Tachyon



6. Active Tachyon



7. Telephoto (Whisker Drones)


H. Armament



1. 1x120 Mw Radon Laser Cannon (Commerical Version Only)



2. 1xFocused Magnetic Field Generator



3. Standard Missile Tube



4. 1xParticle Accelertor Cannon (Military Version Only)


I. Reactor: Matter Convertor (Lvl 3)


J. Consumables



1. Fuel: 10,000 hours



2. Life Support: 40,001 hours


K. Cargo Space; 8,000 Liters


L. Computer Rating: System Wide (Lvl 9-commerical)/ A.I. (Lvl 4-military)


M. Hull: IDF (Lvl 5)


N. Atmospheric Flight: Mass Driver



1. Acceleration: Lvl 2



2. Maneuverability: Lvl 1


O. Interstellar Drive: D-Jump Drive


P. Sublight Drive: Mass Driver



1. Acceleration: Lvl 3



2. Maneuverability: Lvl 2


Q. Airlock: Yes


R. Secondary Power System:



1. Deployable Solar Sail



2. External catalytic reactor


S. This boxy fixed wing craft manages to look both vaguely aerodynamic and largely cetacean. This was the brainchild of the post-war Dynastic Corporations that wanted to compete with the FTO monopoly on consumer spacecraft. Depending on which marketing campaign you encountered it was either called the Blade or the Origin. I considered making this two entries because there is a military version, but the differences are minor. This is the smallest ship to have a D-Jump Drive (which can be powered by the Solar Sail if you patient or by catalyzing a large asteroid or small planetoid if you don’t mind breaking a few Union or FTO laws). Owners remark that the ship is rather comfortable, it has a roomy cabin in addition to the cockpit, a comfortable cryo-chair in case you need it and in the military version an A.I. I am told is an affable, loyal and a competent navigator. Apparently, the craft handles like a winged brick in atmosphere, particularly since she lacks a view port and must be piloted sensors only. Still she is popular among members of Scouting Guilds.-G.G. Nubb

Go to Comment
Total Comments:
1685

Join Now!!




Fatal error: Call to undefined function top_menu() in /home/strolen/public_html/lockmor/application/views/citadel/vfooter.php on line 2