Strolen\s Citadel content. 
Felicia 'Fever' Cortez
NPCs  (Minor)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-22 05:35 PM
Okay

"If encountered while working, Fever is all business. She discourages approaches, politely at first but escalating through insistence and harsh words, on to violence should it become necessary." Go to Comment
The Town of Inexplicable Babies
Locations  (City)   (Any)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-02-11 05:35 PM
A nice idea. But the content here seems to be little more than the idea alone. Go to Comment
The Town of Inexplicable Babies
Locations  (City)   (Any)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-02-11 11:14 PM
I believe you're trying to bait me into further critique of this thing, well I ain't. Go to Comment
The Town of Inexplicable Babies
Locations  (City)   (Any)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-02-20 07:00 AM


It is fine, I was wrong to suggest that it is little more than the idea. It is a fun useful idea with some plot ideas and 'possible' things tossed into to make this a tool as well as idea.



So well done.



However, The post-starts with a description of a village that one might find in a travel log in the world of Hairy trees. But you don't realize a village in the write up, and with no resolution, narrative or strong imagery (aside from the teaser) this write up doesn't paint a picture or tell a story. Thus you have a bit of false advertising with the title cause we don't get a village, we get the baby idea. It could be the apartment building of baby cabinets or the space station of baby bulkheads.



But it is a FANTASTIC idea, this plot device could be used to explore issues of affection versus paternity, racism, maternal instincts, the right to have a child versus the ability to raise a child, the fear of being saddled with a family or the inexplicable nature of life itself. I would love to colab on a bigger write up.

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Litwell
Locations  (Ruins)   (Plains)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-02-24 01:37 PM


There is lot of information presented in here. I love that we get a lot of the information through the backchannels of the piece and not in the direct delivery. We have natural born wizards, a constant battle between the will of men (or ten year old boys) and the will of nature that wants to burn up the citizens, and shadow beasts the make are agents of human sacrifice. We also have consistent voice in the piece.



You see the person telling us about the road and the city is same person who knows all the secrets. But that is unknown to us at the beginning of the pieces, because the speaker uses a very passive voice and asserts almost a second person perspective. He also tends to repeat himself and by repeat himself I mean say the same thing two different ways, like saying it twice or three times. You see this repetitive voice, it gives you the sense that there is a bit a folktale quality to story. You see? This, I reckon, makes us, I mean, now you are a little more tolerant of uncertainty when your narrator is a little folksy.



But what is the narrator’s point? Why is he telling us this story? I am 100% behind writing game stuff like a writer first not a like a gamer. That demands consistent voice, considerations of perspective and bias. You have done that here, and I love it. But I don’t know what the narrator is getting at besides few cheap surprise moments (clean skeletons, the guy coming back after the event, or the boy blowing up his town). Using this narrator’s voice, you use twice as many words or more than you probably need to describe the town.



The use of voice would be even stronger if there was more back channel delivery of information and you might achieve this if we knew a little more about the narrator and his intentions.



How does the narrator know all this?



How can this narrator, who drops so may little “surprises” on by taking the round about way to get to his/her point and not end this story with climax or a hook? You have weak ending that does not fit the tone of the rest of the piece. The piece by its nature promises a reveal and it does not give us one.



plot idea:



The people get sent back 500 years and rise to power: spreadout, conquer the world and all that. They then begin to actively support the human sacrifice in Litwell to maintain their defiance of the personified force of history you mention. Thus a plot may be to overthrow the tyrants, you have to stop the human sacrifice in the Litwell, this will pull the tryants ancestors out of time, burn them and eliminate the ruling class. Screw that the Litwell return makes everything right idea. HOW CAN YOU HAVE A TIME TRAVEL STORY WITHOUT A PARADOX?



reread this later, couldn't tell what I was talking about

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Jampiri
Systems  (Divine/ Spirit)   (Specific)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-01 12:17 AM
I love it.

One of the greatest achievements in world building is a genuine and believable pidgin. Go to Comment
Jampiri
Systems  (Divine/ Spirit)   (Specific)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-09 10:42 AM
Organic NPCs (and PCs)
Articles  (Character)   (Gaming - In General)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-19 08:21 PM
Bullet points and score leveraging *snicker*....oh Scars...you should be ashamed of yourself. lol Go to Comment
Organic NPCs (and PCs)
Articles  (Character)   (Gaming - In General)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-19 08:16 PM
Nice idea and a neat writing challenge. Might a character written from this perspective in this style tell you as much about the observer as it does the observed? Give that question to your adviser. Go to Comment
The Eye of Seenu
Items  (Jewelry)   (Sentient)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-09 10:00 PM
This really well done, reads like an encyclopedia entry, if an all knowing god wrote the encyclopedia....ah the citadel.

The idea that Gem has a personality and a goal is really interesting. I obviously didn't want to stay in the earth though, other wise why not just tell the miners to put it back? Did you imagine that it knows where it is going? What if it finds others of its kind? Could this type of mind control be how the ancient wars were once fought? How can it be destroyed? But I admire your choice to be purposefully vague and unclear about the nature of thing.

Also you jus sold a copy of Flynn's book. He should send you a commission. Go to Comment
Fleabirds
Society/ Organizations  (Travelers)   (Area)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-02 02:50 PM
This is an excellent addition to the cosmic era, and it plays very strongly into archetypes of hippie and the other south*. Thus I think this works as a modern satire.

The write up leans a little too heavily on references to TV shows (that I have never watched...save the Dukes of Hazard) and thus lack a creative soul.




*(There is the south that likes their lawns, afternoon cocktails, attend adult Sorority functions, follow Duke basketball and trades stock tips at the Davidson versus William and Mary women's field hockey game. Then there is the other south, that enjoys hunting pigs with dogs, NASCAR, mudding, and professional wrestling. Though we all enjoy a good day drunk and have opinions over whether Lee could or should have marched to Vicksburg after Chancellorsville. ) Go to Comment
The Belts of Parkour
Items  (Clothes)   (Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-08 05:53 PM
Nice item. Go to Comment
Adventures Beneath the Waves
Plots  (Crisis)   (Mini-Campaign)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-12 11:16 AM
well organized and well thought out...

lets just hope you have a bunch of pro-establishment PCs who don't mind working for the man. Go to Comment
Autons
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Any)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-16 06:17 PM
Good, you needed some robots with that classic sci-fi feel in the cosmic era.

I like the notable Autons Go to Comment
Variable-Frame Aerospace Fighter
Items  (SpaceShips)   (Combat)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-08 01:27 AM


really nice, another niche in the cosmic era.



as always the tone is there in the content's example: "...caused a large amount of collateral damage. The raid has been made into 6 feature films and over 30 interactive CogNet games." Little drops of world like this tells us what combat and death means to these people. Nice line that one.



But you are still using your god voice or your haughty academic voice. I still think we (you included) would get more world building out these posts if you forced yourself to write it in the voice of a cosmic era character. Don't think detracts from the idea, I get it super fun fast and deadly pretend space planes.



Three dorky questions:

So did the Corsair's take out the Zonda's on the ground or are we supposed to take away something about the superiority of one craft over another?



How are you explaining anti-gravity?



The "forced induction plasma induction systems"does that have some kind of ongoing spark plug type power source?

Go to Comment
Agency 17: Illegal Search and Seizure
Plots  (Hired)   (Campaign)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-21 03:37 PM
Nice open ended write up and good clean formatting Go to Comment
Agency 17: Illegal Search and Seizure
Plots  (Hired)   (Campaign)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-21 03:38 PM
Plus a cool guest star for this weeks episode Go to Comment
Fort Hard
Locations  (Fortification)   (Other)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-05-12 09:20 PM
Kind of reminds of that twilight zone episode with Robert Duvall and the Doll's house, but only as far as a tiny house goes.

What if included in the Fort Hard's furnishings was another miniature building...a church to an ancient and barely remembered diety, with tiny stone bed at the head of the chapel, little thimble sized cisterns of dark red liquid and a strange rune on the door.....

Not a bad place to stash one's mistress.....

What if not only the person shrinks, but their sense or experience of time also shrinks. What would be second to us appears to be an hour to them and so on.

Go to Comment
The Weeping Angel
Items  (Art and Music)   (Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-08 06:01 PM
I would guess that he does. The attached picture has text links to the BBC and Dr. Who. Go to Comment
The Weeping Angel
Items  (Art and Music)   (Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-08 06:10 PM
Very strong clear prose as far as I am concerned. I the drawback section though you seem to strike a very different tone and approach it with a very different perspective (second person) than the rest of the piece. It is a little jarring, and it sort of ruins the in game immersion of the piece in favor of game mechanics. Perhaps it call all be in a blockquote.

Good stuff, I like the plot idea of trying to fight a villain with this. Go to Comment
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