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Fox's Dragon Scale Armor
Items  (Armor)   (Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-11-15 04:27 PM
My name is not Lunarstalker, I will not tell you what is write or wrong (get it?....write as in written?....painful?....bah). Is generic more helpful? Perhaps. Then why add the name at all? I would say anything that drives the narrative or pushes the plot along is not fluff.

The only I would change is the metafluffist (patent pending, thanks muro) stuff in the forth paragraph Go to Comment
Camel's Hump
Items  (Other)   (Non-Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-11-13 02:42 PM
Nice one, I like the voice in the first section. I agree with Dozus a little cultural information would improve the vintage, and if the wine a cultural weight behind it (aside from the large material and temporal investment) it could better be used as a story telling tool. Go to Comment
LA by Nite Minor Characters
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Artistic/Performance)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-11-11 09:40 AM
This is horrifying. It says a lot about your view of people. This is the bleakest dark comedy I have seen on the site. This settles it, if ever I have a daughter she is not getting a barbie. You have changed me man.

Go to Comment
LA by Nite Minor Characters
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Artistic/Performance)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-11-13 08:00 PM
Still horrified. Go to Comment
Hrothen's Gate
Dungeons  (Mountains)   (Doors)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-11-12 06:33 PM
A mistake I have made often and still make is to be taken in by interesting narratives or attractive descriptions whenever judging a talk, proposal, paper or article. My first response to this was, aside from a banal enumeration of deaths, heavy recycling of the 300, and a ridiculously small area to have an epic battle, I loved it. There is so much here, religious dwarves, farming dwarves, dwarven politics, I wanted to write fan fiction about this half way through. Yet the content here in is about the pass, the dwarves that owned the pass and the battle that took the pass from the dwarves. This piece is only marginally about a dangerous ice filled valley run by mad dwarven demi-god and populated by vengeful spirits. It is even less about Hrothen, we learn more about his Axe then we do about him before the maddness.
I think you need to decide what this about, what you want to communicate to your audience. Does the fact that half the alliance humans died breaking down the east gate matter? Does the storm kill all the humans in the end? Does the hand ax to the head which took out the Bruetheron KIng matter? Perhaps a GM could use these details to make our undead a little more juicy, a crossbow slain undead would look different than a frozen undead. But that is the case why not write up that part yourself?

There is alot of good stuff here and great ideas, but it is not put together as cohesive or complete narrative or gaming resource.
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Hrothen's Gate
Dungeons  (Mountains)   (Doors)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-11-12 08:37 PM
I like the story, I think you have a great story. Is it the story you want to tell? Go to Comment
Hrothen's Gate
Dungeons  (Mountains)   (Doors)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-11-16 05:52 PM
I was torn as to how to vote on this, as dungeon write up it is weak sauce. As detailed write up of "historical event" it is fun, you get a bunch of stuff like this in your fictional world and you can start making in world literary allusions. And I actually muttered "Jerks!" when the Brutheron's charged though. So thanks I enjoyed it.

Go to Comment
Ashes Falling from the Sky
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-11-07 05:41 AM
Poor guy, we barely got to know him. There is not much here though, but anytime you approach a person facing their own death or the death of others you can always add more ...if you want.

But you makes some points:
 1) Mechs works in 7-8 man squads and use a VR interface 
 2) Railguns are better than autocannons 
 3) The character is a solider because of the physical trappings not because of a philosophy, political belief or nationalist sentiment. As soon as the physical trappings of his life as solider are gone he refers to his role in the past tense. 
 4) Hot girls operate mechs. 
 5) Nuclear weapons are outmoded in the world of mechs but still horrible.

6) The character is likely very tired. Who gets out of a burning mech and thinks about their bed? This imagery gives another context with which to view the character's actions. 

Go to Comment
The Whirlwind
Items  (Ranged Weapons)   (Combat)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-11-03 09:24 AM
Nice extrapolation on the auto-cannon. I too had wolverines (How I loved table top mechwarrior) with a clip loaded autocannon, just because of the picture really. Go to Comment
The Commoner's Tools
Items  (Other)   (Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-11-03 08:27 AM

Being that you are not seeking to tell a story with this, I take it you are looking at this as an academic exercise. I think before you continue on this path you need to define magic.

In Paul Radin's Book "Primitive Religion" Dover Publishing 1937 New York. He asserts that essence of magic is "coercion in the interests of our imperative organic needs-the satisfaction of hunger and the gratification of the sex instinct." He then points to the evidence that much of the religious material found in tribal hunter gather cultures or cultures with isolated and minimalist agricultural were focused on these areas. I assert that many of the cave paintings and stone age totems were attempt to appeal to supernatural force. The fertility goddess totems, the cave paints of hunts, may not have been records but reflected a desired outcome. Radin goes on to state that magic was "the only method predicated by man for establishing relationship between himself and the outside world."

So here are my question to you, where will your peasants in this imaginary world draw the line between magic and nature? When you cough is it because a spirit passed into your lungs? If you get a muscle cramp or indigestion, is it a curse? Will the sun rise if I don't sacrifice the heart of a warrior to it? Is magic an undirected force or does it possess a personality? Would you make a distinction between religious magic and secular magic? Why? Go to Comment
The Commoner's Tools
Items  (Other)   (Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-11-04 07:36 AM
I like how you re-worked the discussion section. I think this is a great idea for adding flavor and depth to a setting. Go to Comment
The Kingmakers, Session 5
Articles  (At Table)   (Game Mastering)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-11-03 09:29 AM
I am enjoying this thanks Go to Comment
Sealed City of Roastone
Locations  (Ruins)   (Any)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-11-04 02:41 PM
I like the format and the setup a lot. I think you setup is strong: giving the short anecdote about the city, which is interesting, and draws us in. You then discuss the your personal inspiration behind it which places things it in a larger context. Finally you give us a couple of possible explanations of the event and possible game scenarios. The whole setup involves the reader more than many and is well designed for gaming implementation. 
 As for the geek content, I have always been a big fan of demons that don't want anything, they just want to be. The demons are like a force of nature. I like the first plot a little better and it is more easily expanded to other setting (don't feel bad second plot, nothing wrong with you, there has to be a 1st).

On a dwarven note, as much as I like this, it lacks the dwarf. Plot one and two could be done without dwarves. The descriptions of the city are so light that they fail to inspire us to put off shaving and pick up an ax.
Go to Comment
Sealed City of Roastone
Locations  (Ruins)   (Any)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-11-08 08:26 PM
I like the plot and all but I am shocked and according to my thesaurus I am also be stupefied, startled, astonished, bewildered and suffering from discomfiture that my illustrious guild leader Muro has not pointed out the lack of dwarven detail in this here sub.

By the beards of latent anti-slavic sentiment, the above plot could be played with any ethnic group or race profile and I say if we are to have the pretense of guilds as a sub-game to the citadel than let us give that pretense the obnoxious voice of self-importance and rigid genre requirements. Go to Comment
Sealed City of Roastone
Locations  (Ruins)   (Any)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-11-08 10:43 PM
You're stretching sir, oozes dwarvism says thee, tis a premise based on a lost british colony. Are dwarves a metaphor for the hubris of colonialism? Perhaps the suggestion of a community traveling deeper and deeper into the earth in search of riches and thus isolating themselves from the outer world or disturbing a demon in the deep brings us full circle to tolken. But have a missed another pore through which dwarvism is flowing?

 "The fact that it can be played with any ethnic group, only adds to its usefulness" Ah you are sneaky one Muro, This statement is a moot rhetorical distraction, I asked not if it was useful, (or good or entertaining or interestin, for it is all these) I asked if it is dwarven.

 But if the guild lord commands me to accept this as dwarven than I shall, I will be a Starbuck to your Ahab in this matter. You still say its dwarven?

Go to Comment
axlerowes's comment on 2012-10-30 04:47 PM
I was thinking of the Scorpion when I wrote this. Go to Comment
axlerowes's comment on 2013-06-10 02:26 PM
that is really all I hope for :) Go to Comment
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Sentient)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-10-29 11:37 PM
This is great, I like your style of presenting a story and not just facts. In fact the "Use" section could be seen as condescending. My opinions of this have changes for the years and I think if you are going list facts, you may as well toss in game states. I like that the sword bonds with people, and I would like to read more. What did the sword feel like when it hit the dragon for the first time?

The lost and found, lost and found cycle gets a little repetitive. I think that is more a matter of writing style and you could maybe get those encounters to pop a little more than they do. But the pay off is worth it. However would suggest adding some stuff about the kids, make the reader bound with them some.

Perhaps the kids get the sword down to play with it one day when dad is away. Then the sword has to make choice, get all fun and bloody or protect the kids by blunting his blows and shifting his balance. The fact that the sword would choose the kids well being over his own desires would add some weight to story.

Two questions:

Who is the sword talking to?

And how come the dragon gets a name and Hubert's kids do not? They seem more important to the sword's growth. Go to Comment
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Sentient)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-10-30 09:09 AM
I get the repititiveness may be accurate for the story you are trying to tell, but perhaps a slight tweek of the language might make it a little more engaging. You start two paragraphs in a row with "XXXX picked me up next". This is a minor point, but it is one little thing you could polish up. Go to Comment
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Sentient)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-10-30 04:38 PM
Damn that goes down smooth. Well done sir. Go to Comment
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