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As a member in good standing of the Dwarven Guild I would like to lodge a formal complaint. I would like the word "enslaved" or any reference to slavery removed from any and all descriptions of the Dwarven Civic Improvement Projects which were wisely and judiciously implemented by the benevolent priests of Verdenkrav. Furthermore, we require, under threat of litigation, that these slanderous and ethniclly biased descriptions of the Holy Verdenkrav be stricken from the record. Verdenkrav's noble sacrifice shall not be characterized as foolish, impatient or accidental. It was rather a passing of a baton from a proud father to his worthy children. Finally, while we have nothing but respect for our human cousins, we find the characterization of Cronepheros as an angel of Verdenkrav miss leading. True, they may have once been associated via a few minor projects, but by the time Cronepheros sought to inflict humans upon the world Verdenkrav and Cronepheros had long since severed their relationship. We find troubling any suggestion that a dwarven god was responsible for the human situation.
I really want to love this. I already like this, I already respect this and I am inspired by it. But I want to love this and I can’t love it because of some very clunky prose and poor story telling. There is too much cleverness, wit and raw intellect in this post to let it stay as it is. You must edit this, and by edit I don’t mean proof read or correct.
I mean you must take the twisty and beautiful game of 52 pickup you are playing with your words and deal them out so that your readers can at least know were five cards are at a glance. Once we can figure out what is in our hand just by looking then we can take time to enjoy the puns and the self-awareness.
But let me sum up what I think you are saying here:
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"You believe (rightfully so) that the use of the tavern as the birthplace of the heroic quests is a tired troupe. It is so trite in fact that the literary bad guys themselves realized that if they just destroy the taverns than Obi Wan will never hire Han Solo, the Magnificent Seven will never get past a pretty okay 2 or 3, and the hobbits will never meet Aragorn. But the plans of these forward thinking agents of evil was thwarted when the scummy villains realized that they need a hive as much as the hero’s needed a place of marginal danger from which to transition their narrative to places of true danger. So the bar flies among the villains tipped off the old heroes to the plans of the evil overlords, and the afore mentioned old heroes stepped in to put a stop to it. Is that correct?"
I think the prose is strong and professional and the story has potential, particularly around Halloween. I enjoyed the phraseology and admired the word choice. But the story is really about the Deni and Billy characters, while the post claims to be about headless motorcycle man. We don’t have a backstory for the ghost characters. The post-script also asserts that the focus of this story is on the motorcycle man and attempts to describes the use of the motorcycle man in game. The content does not fully equip a storyteller or game master to use this work, you have an idea here, a plot, but you don’t have a complete story or a completely developed NPC.
The assertion that the resolution of this conflict should be system specific would only be true for the most sophomoric of gamers. Imagine if halfway through your story Billy pulls out his holy symbol banishes the undead then gets in the car and moves on. That is not resolution. And above we don’t have resolution for the ghost characters. I know gamers that would be satisfied with that, but I don’t play with them.
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Summary: All the details of the story are great but have you really expanded up on the content beyond “The restless spirit of a leather glad biker straight from central casting searches the back roads for the ghost of the woman that cut off his member”? As a piece of inspiration this is great, as a gaming resource it offers little because it has neither backstory nor resolution. As “draw it with crayon” camp says it lacks the “juicy details”.
Does the book measure the height and angle of the reader's forehead to help determine racial purity of its readers? And why only white males...women loved Hitler.
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Subplot...the neo-nazi camp comes across a book written by the ghostly hand of Chamberlin. They pass this book onto the PCs and suddenly our heros find themselves make all kinds of compromises.