Strolen\s Citadel content. 
Arcanotech
Systems  (Knowledge/Lore)   (Specific)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-05 11:36 AM
I think I get it now!

Thanks. Go to Comment
Arcanotech
Systems  (Knowledge/Lore)   (Specific)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-06 06:06 AM
If there was really no magic in this you would have published this article in Nature and not roleplaying website. I like it, and this stuff is a necessary tool for deep fiction (by deep I mean complicated). Go to Comment
7 Horrifying Curses
Articles  (Scenario)   (Gaming - In General)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-24 01:08 PM
Well those are awful curses, 3,4 and 5 provide some good RPG fodder. I agree with Scras, a little weak. I don't think the editorializing adds anything to the description of the curses, the prose is a little simplistic and the voice and perspective unclear.
Example
"until he or she ends up as thin and boney as a concentration camp victim and then starves to death"...not the most creative, world immersive or tasteful sentence ever.

But in all cases you get your point across clearly. So well done.
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My Last Crop of Humans
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Domestic/ Craft)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-04 08:10 AM
Ah Dozus, you have too sharp a mind for me, and I am certain you are playing a verbal game of 4 dimensional chess with me here. I see the door you have lead me too, but I can't guess what is on the other side. So I will ask you the obvious question.

Do not ambiguous statements promote "interactivity"? Should I not as you say "anticipate Strolenites to... adapt".

Do you think strolenties want everything drawn out as Strolen says "with crayons" or do they prefer a more ambiguous frame work to which they may tack their own ideas?



Go to Comment
My Last Crop of Humans
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Domestic/ Craft)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-04 10:55 AM
alright Dozus, I will push back from the table. Go to Comment
My Last Crop of Humans
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Domestic/ Craft)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-04 03:14 PM


I like Silveressa's deduction better than any idea I had. I did have a clear idea of what going in the computers mind, and what I was trying to say. But I thought it was better to leave it open

Go to Comment
Self Propelled Turret
Items  (Armor)   (Combat)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-08 04:58 PM


So its not a tank....tough sell



But the write up is really nice, and the plot hook is an excellent finish. I think this would be more fun inverted with the focus being on a plot that involves learning about this tank thing rather than learning all about this tank think with a plot tacked on.

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Lescelina the Witch Queen
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Religious)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-02 02:27 PM
So who is Lesceline? She is a mystical monarch who uses lines such as "You dare threaten me?". I don't find her to be that clearly defined. We have Ichtalca, this woman with an interesting past and tragic birth and childhood. But then she becomes this "terrible and beautiful" queen who has people eviscerated and speaks in trite theatrical phrases. She has the memories of many life times, strikes others as very angry and then can be gentle and kind to her prisoners.
What do the gator folk mean to her?
What was Tergryn to her?
Is there an Ichtalca personality left or Nanni personality left or are they just the result of this fusion. Go to Comment
Lescelina the Witch Queen
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Religious)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-02 02:34 PM
There is a lot of excellent information and detail here.

Let me see if I got her personality down as you intended to communicate it:

She is aloof.
She is impatient
She is proud
She is violent and cruel
First and foremost she is a problem solver.

Why didn't you just write this up as story? I think you would communicate a lot more and give us more of a feel if you really gave this to a true narrative, not this sort of cliff note summary.

But hey witch queen of the gator people: that is awesome. Go to Comment
Lescelina the Witch Queen
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Religious)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-02 02:36 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
Cosmic Era: Mortal Kombat I Dossier
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-02 02:59 PM
I think this is a well presented write up and fun in nostalgia sort of way. I once wasted a whole afternoon on this website
http://www.myuselessknowledge.com/joe/

So in that respects it is fun.

I think this a poor merging of these topics into the cosmic era. You haven't done anything new with the characters. I get that a big appeal of the cosmic era is playing with all the toys at once, and that respect perhaps you could a do write that mixes a lot of the things into one scene.
Example: Perhaps Kano runs an international contracting company as part of his cover. Kano and his team travel to a country with a bunch of heavy equipment and his management crew. You then breakdown this team as follows

Heavy construction equipment are actually the constructocons. A bunch of siebertronian beings.

Kano's girlfriend Pizazz travels with him along with her all girl punk band the Misfits

You get where I am going, if you really want to put all the stuff in the pot you got to take it out of the box first. All you did here is use the jargon and proper names from your setting to explain characters that already exists. At least your G.I. Joe clone list was a little tongue in cheek and had the amusing possibility of a ship manned by 400 shipwrecks.

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The NUSSR
Society/ Organizations  (Political)   (Trans World)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-02-24 11:04 AM
Having Sci-fi communists could be fun. We could revisit all that 70s and 80s science fiction that predict the cold war continuing into space, plus the USSR really knew how to dress once it got going. Plus starting a sentence with "Comrade" is much better than starting it with "Well Met".

One question about this post:
"Without the corruption that was iconic of cold war era USSR"

You mean the New USSR fixed communism! You have to tell us how they did that.

Here is another challenge.

The USSR

Almost 400 years after Ivan the Terrible, a man named Nicholas became Czar of Russia. A descendant of the Queen of England and cousin to the Kaiser of Germany, he was more in touch with the other monarchs of Europe than with his own people. But the power of the Czars was so great that it seemed none could challenge him. Until war came and the peasants were pulled into the army by the millions and sacrificed to protect foreign interests. Eventually the tide of revolution over threw the Czar and removed Russia from the War. After months of imprisonment the Czar and his family were shot. One of the many interests reaching for power after the fall the Czar were the Bolsheviks, followers of Karl Marx's teaching, and eventually they rose to power. Under the leadership of the Bolsheviks Russia became the USSR, and the USSR was most powerful country in Europe or Asia. But despite its Marxist ideals and the new name the USSR was still a Russian state at heart.

Does every agree with that summary of the Russian revolution? Did I leave out anything important or is that pretty much it?


Based on the above paragraph can you answer these question about the USSR:
1) What would I likely have for breakfast in the St. Petersburg of the USSR if I was taxi cab driver living in the city?

2) What did the USSR do with its political influence?

3) What did the rest of Asia and Europe think of the USSR as a matter of policy and in terms of popular opinion?

4) Why did the Bolsheviks succeed where others failed?

5) How did the revolution change fashion and art in the cities and the country side?

6) How popular where the Bolshevik political ideals prior to the revolution?

7) What happened to the Czarist loyalists after the revolution?

I bet if you re-wrote the NUSSR post in a cohesive narrative the included answers to seven equivalent questions we would have a nation at least as fully realized as say Cimmeria.



Go to Comment
The NUSSR
Society/ Organizations  (Political)   (Trans World)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-02-24 11:04 AM
Only voted Go to Comment
One Man's Trash...
Plots  (Hired)   (Single-Storyline)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-06 06:16 PM
Short sweet thoughtful and so classic Go to Comment
Xen'da'rik
Locations  (City)   (Desert)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-05 08:10 AM
I think this is great, well conceived, well formatted, and found the written descriptions of the physical as good as any writing I have paid for.

I agree with Moonlake: culture could use some more...culture. I know it may seem silly to ask for more because this is a very complete sub. But it is ambitious, and that ambition means it might need more.

I like the people a lot. Go to Comment
Igneus Saxum
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Underground)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-06 03:46 PM
I agree with Cheka in that is a wonderful idea, with a brilliant number of possibilities. But I think the write up is terrible. The voice is redundant, and rambaling. The facts are presented in a very scatter shot manner with short crude sentences and poor physical descriptions. I have read your stuff before and I very much like your writing so much so that I will read posts just because ceasars name on it. So I assume that you were trying something out here. I don't think it worked.

If you are happy with it as is please dismiss this, maybe I wil read this again in a month and think ...now I get it. But if you would like to work on this I would love to get into this and really geek it up with ya! Because this is a great idea. Go to Comment
7 Things About Criticism
Articles  (Humor/ Editorial)   (Citadel Help)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-02-23 09:16 AM
Nuverl - Dwarven god of the sea
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Religious)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-02-22 07:17 AM


I very much enjoyed the quality of prose and the tone of this piece. I really found his dissent well characterized, how he started to enjoy suffering and his use of pain to try and track time. I enjoyed reading it, found it engaging and thank you for that. If I had written this I would be proud.



I think as an RPG supplement this is wonderful, players could take this information and discuss "shell hell" as a down side to water travel, wear little turtle offerings totems or maybe even seek to enter shell hell in order to get information from a dwarf damned there.



The questions regarding what the demon wants or his ethos or origin or his deity social circle should he have one are irrelevant from an emotional roleplaying perspective-this is the boogyman of the ocean. But some discussion of those might enrich this as plot device if a gaming group ever needs to deal with Nuverl. For example do you in vision Nuverl as being present ii all water as seen by the dwarves or just sea water? Perhaps when dwarves take baths they wear little turtle totems. Perhaps this dwarven fear of Nuverl extends to all pooled water, and they may touch their totems before picking up a bucket or dipping their hands into a finger bowl (assuming your dwarves have finger bowls).



Some thoughts about the world building and the story telling. These are not criticism but things I might offer where this discussed in a story workshop.



World Building: I like the tone. It is impersonal and it catalogs the dwarves suffering in manner almost devoid of self piety. It has a Lovecraftian feel to it. But if you were to change the journal entries to more personal and self reflective you could transmit more information about the dwarf's world as well as his plight.



For example, perhaps his desirous thirst manifests as some pontification about standing in line at his favorite distillers back home. Perhaps instead of unaddressed journal entries he direct his writing to his son, wife or father and in this way the character discusses his relationship with them. Right now there is very little "dwarf" (no pun) in the story. You have a bit of this in the 45/46 entry. Perhaps you could add more. Of course adding this info. may change the tone, which I think is very good right now, so take that worth a drop of water.



Storytelling: I would add a climax to the story. Perhaps he finds an exit and almost gets out or feels trapped by on of the other damned creatures and tries to communicate with it. Perhaps he tries to eat one of the other damned dwarves. The climax could only be in the mind of the character in which he thinks something is going to change and he is going to escape or figure it out.

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Nuverl - Dwarven god of the sea
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Religious)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-04 07:38 PM
BUMP!

Dwarves get on this one Go to Comment
Nuverl - Dwarven god of the sea
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Religious)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-04 09:52 AM
This one has kept itself in the mind of my "dwarf writer" ever since I read it. It is a good thing: both an excellent idea and write up Go to Comment
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