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axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-29 03:44 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-05 08:28 PM
Section 1: I really like the non-verbal discussion going on in this section. That is cool. But you could do us favor and work in reminders of who each of these people are. We are still not very far into the book and these people have not done much to make them stand out. Also, this is happening before the events of the previous chapter? Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
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axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-05 08:36 PM
Section 2:

I have no idea what is going on here or who these people are. I suppose Ogul and Sorai are other children. I suppose we will find out later why Chagan's arms feel like mud and what it is her elder sister did. All we know now is there are five siblings. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
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axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-05 09:10 PM
I like that you book end with the Bridetest and the descriptions of the sparring are fun and easy to read. But again you don't surprise us with the character's as they spar. I think your prose here is strong, but your scenes are so short that indirectness of your style makes it difficult to put the scene together. By the time you have got it, the scene is over. I would say if you are going to write very short scenes like this be very demonstrative (like writing an abstract) and for most part you are in this case.

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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-05 09:10 PM
I like that you book end with the Bridetest and the descriptions of the sparring are fun and easy to read. But again you don't surprise us with the character's as they spar. I think your prose here is strong, but your scenes are so short that indirectness of your style makes it difficult to put the scene together. By the time you have got it, the scene is over. I would say if you are going to write very short scenes like this be very demonstrative (like writing an abstract) and for most part you are in this case.

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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
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axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-05 09:11 PM
I like that you book end with the Bridetest and the descriptions of the sparring are fun and easy to read. But again you don't surprise us with the character's as they spar. I think your prose here is strong, but your scenes are so short that indirectness of your style makes it difficult to put the scene together. By the time you have got it, the scene is over. I would say if you are going to write very short scenes like this be very demonstrative (like writing an abstract) and for most part you are in this case. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-05 11:50 PM
You prose is much more impressionistic than objective or literal. It is not unlike an epic poem, we have a poor sense of time, but we get the broad strokes of it. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
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axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-06 05:03 PM
What I meant by surprise is that two characters spar exactly as we would expect them to spar based on earlier descriptions of their personalities.


I have an idea...... Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-06 11:14 PM
Totally forgot said idea....stupid ellipses Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 7
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axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-30 03:49 PM


To be fair, I don't know what story you want to tell. But I think you have run rough shod over the story thus with out taking time to properly develop plot points or characters. I specifically referring to Botari's story thus far. There is a very interesting story there which you wrote but oddly did not respect. You have this girl suffer a traumatic injury that strips her of memories and perhaps her identity. She then has to struggle to regain a sense of who she is and upon gaining that sense of self she decides to run away. This particular journey of the character is interesting because it filled with risk. We have reason to doubt the other members of her tribe, both because of her amnesia and because of the actions of other characters. We have reason to doubt the soundness of her decision making because of mental handicap. But you spend maybe 1000 words on that total. You keep the character into new scenes and situations that are almost completed divorced from the conflicts and relationships of the previous scene.



Example



We start in chapter one with her walking up slowly in her tent and not knowing anybody. We meet a bunch of characters, but they are largely mysterious because of her amnesia.



Then you jump ahead several months and she healed reconnecting with the steppe. We don't deal with or see any resolution to relationships that were strained in the fist chapter. She is already coy and pouty with her Aunt who she seems to trust and have this very comfortable relationship. This does not build on the isolation and disorientation that you built up in the first chapter



Next her two best friends (pretty much new characters) walk straight of a Nick Sparks novel and have a regressive conversation about marriage. Again the relationships are comfortable and we introduced to a new conflict: marriage. How does her memory loss affect her understanding of marriage and specifically her betrothal? You see you are not connecting the events of the chapters smoothly or even logically. Though admittedly the next chapter, in which she runs aways does follow.



But you then have her chase with kiddnappers. Nicely written but a whole new conflict. Then after that chase she literally runs into another scene, the chase is forgotten and she has another choice to make regarding which tribe to join in the war. Then in the next chapter she has to deal with some guy obsessing over her ears. Nothing has had any real consequence yet, at least not emotionally for the character. It is hard to get invested in a character who herself seems very uninvested in any situation.



I think you should go back to the first 5 of these chapters and write up the story of her recovery from the injury and decision to runaway (take her destiny in her hands) as a complete story. Because that is a complete story, chapter in the character's life if you will and don't feel it is fully resolved before she starts falling in love here.

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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 7
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axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-30 07:00 PM
Writing thoughts


What does this mean

"A golden wave washed over The Ctofalir and the vast plain of the Mistflowers growing to its north, thinning out into gauze-thin shards that swam and swirled once it entered the misty domain. "

Are you describing the sunset here, as you describing the sunsetting or a single moment of the sunset. Are mistflowers literal flowers or just mist rising off the ground? What is the thinning out into gauze-thin shards?

Are you going to come back to the conversation in the ger between the main characters at some point or just going to let that hang?
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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 7
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axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-30 09:24 PM

Skip to chapter 10. And you can't call this plot driven because jump from plot to plot. I don't what you mean by plot. If there is a plot get to it. The characters will come through with the plot.

I think these first 9 chapters will be important for you, as the writer to have in your pocket as backstory. I don't think you have wasted any effort here because you need to have the events that happen prior to the page nailed down, but I would leave them out of the consumer portion of the story. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 7
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axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-31 02:09 PM
The war council scene is fairly concise and clear. Again you have failed to paint a picture of Bortai's character up to this point, so we are still learning about her, having access to her reactions and thoughts here is very telling piece of characterization. Also how much does her amnesia effect her understanding of what social norms are? When she judges an act as typical of men, can she remember of specific events that supports her opinion? Are these all opinions gained in the past couple of months? Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 6
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axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-29 06:35 PM
The super short chapters provide an almost comic book like pacing, which I don't mind and find interesting. But there is not a lot of meat here and it is difficult to form a strong bond with the characters when we know so little about them. The biggest oversight here is meeting of the lovers.

The line below is confusing and tells us nothing. Yet I gather is a very important moment.

...when she was drawn to a face as if by invisible but inescapable threads. In that brief glimpse, something threatened to flood her chest that she had no comprehension yet.

You should describe the face and were that face is in relation to all the other faces. Also describe the feeling because when I read later in this so called Chapter.

"She also noted that he was probably either the father or uncle of the one who had disturbed the strings of her heart so just moments ago, as a blush crept onto her face that she had no awareness of."

When I read this I had no idea what heart string moment to which you were referring. indeed it is only because of this note that there was a heart string moment that I could interpret the original face draw moment as romantic.
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The Dwarven Beard Explained
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axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-17 02:46 PM
How many chambers does your heart have Muro?

When you said your father was alien, I did not think you were speaking so cosmically. Go to Comment
The Dwarven Beard Explained
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Mountains)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-17 04:06 PM


Okay I will bite; the mammalian heart has four chambers. So if a dwarf has a four chambered heart, that fact alone would not distinguish it from a normal mammalian heart. So when you mentioned four-chambered heart and a double stomach I assumed you made an error with regard to the number of chambers in the heart. Thus I thought it would be funny to mock you by lamely suggesting that perhaps what ever planet you called home had two or three chambered hearts. Got it. I was wrong. It was not funny.

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The Dwarven Beard Explained
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Mountains)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-26 09:08 PM


Indeed, I imagine beard veins with selective filters that could store CO2 saturated hemoglobin or recycle CO bonded RBCs. I also thought a exterior lung tissue surrounded by protective beard hair would be better for breathing in areas with lots of particulates that could damage lung tissue but would be filtered by the beard hair. Of course the chin gills would be less efficient than the lungs but it might make the difference in pinch.



I have a whole rant on this is my unfinished sequel to "A Dwarf on the Water". The new piece was to follow my nascent dwarven philosopher/teamster Gorn as he got on the wrong side of the God of fear. It was titled "Dwen and the Art of Wagon Maintenance", but as it turns out I just don't know enough about wagons.

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The Dwarven Beard Explained
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Mountains)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-26 09:17 PM
thats the idea Go to Comment
The Dwarven Beard Explained
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Mountains)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-12 08:50 PM
Only if you get them excited first. I hear some dwarves actually pay for that. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 5
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axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-26 04:48 PM
I think this is your strongest entry. We get a clearer idea about the telepathic connections with the horses and we get more of the main character'so voice then we have in other chapters. This could be chapter 1 and all the information could come out later. Go to Comment
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