Strolen\s Citadel content. 
Myzrym
NPCs  (Major)   (Knowledge/Lore)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-11-23 10:56 AM
Solid.

I would challenge you to write it up high school style. Maybe not as you wrote in High School, but as those you knew in high school wrote..lost of disjointed and unnecessary purple prose...implied rather than stated encounters and great sense of self importance.

You have all that here...unnecessary lore and such...but it is a little too polished to be real satire, but doesn't have enough love to real nostalgia. Go to Comment
The Aetherium and the Nature of the Soul
Locations  (TransWorld)   (Other)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-10 06:26 AM
Ah-ha and Hmmm...
Why is the soul 'repressed' in the new host? Is that by design?

So if powerful souls are worth more to gods (faith wise) and those souls are reincarnated. Does that mean that certain newborns are worth more to the gods faith wise? This could be an excellent way to play up the old destiny troupe.

I imagine a recluse with an acne riddled face that is rarely touch by the sun and a manner that is painfully shy and burdened with many irrational anxieties. Yet she is curse with the soul a previously owned by a physically powerful and charismatic warlord who never knew defeat on the battle field and wrote epic timeless love poems for each of his 30 wives. Our poor shut in is now constantly beset by missionary types at her cottage door, trying to draw her out to church services. When our poor girl would rather just stay home to play alone with lead soldiers, and write awful but self serving erotica.

Will the general's soul be diminished in value by its time in the recluse? When you do character generation in your world are you going to have the character write their own soul stories or roll em out or are you going assign them as need be? Go to Comment
The Aetherium and the Nature of the Soul
Locations  (TransWorld)   (Other)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-07 01:00 AM
I think this is well thought out, concise and a necessary write up for world building. It deals with the origin of life, the after life and gives a narrative mechanic for the transcendent nature of many level based character systems. One the things I enjoy about genre fiction are the subtle differences different authors take when covering the same ground. This explanation of the soul may not be revolutionary but it is original enough to give your worlds its own flavor. But it also raises questions with regard to character generation. How do your metaphysics deal with nature versus nurture of individuality? Does the soul carry with it personality? To what extent does the mortal coil influence that personality of the immortal soul and how much of the influence carries over into immortality? Go to Comment
axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-07 01:32 AM
This is a great creation myth/story. I like that the materium is made up of dead stuff and that prior to the war everything that seemed to exist had a consciousness or the potential to become conscious. Can you discuss the voice this is written in? How do the mortals conceive of this stuff, and where do the legends come from? Go to Comment
Halimath the Wanderer
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Mystical)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-04 09:21 PM
Pretty good stuff, I am a big fan of the intellectual process you put into this and it makes want to read more of your stuff. I wonder how accessible this content would be to someone not familiar with the Tolkien/D&D genre worlds (if such a person still exists). Go to Comment
Hammer Of Spirit Binding
Items  (Tools)   (Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-11-23 11:05 AM
Nice item, I like the description in the "Abilities" section. Go to Comment
The Verbing Noun
Plots  (Hired)   (Mini-Campaign)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-05 12:34 AM


I really want to love this. I already like this, I already respect this and I am inspired by it. But I want to love this and I can’t love it because of some very clunky prose and poor story telling. There is too much cleverness, wit and raw intellect in this post to let it stay as it is. You must edit this, and by edit I don’t mean proof read or correct.



I mean you must take the twisty and beautiful game of 52 pickup you are playing with your words and deal them out so that your readers can at least know were five cards are at a glance. Once we can figure out what is in our hand just by looking then we can take time to enjoy the puns and the self-awareness.



But let me sum up what I think you are saying here:



"You believe (rightfully so) that the use of the tavern as the birthplace of the heroic quests is a tired troupe. It is so trite in fact that the literary bad guys themselves realized that if they just destroy the taverns than Obi Wan will never hire Han Solo, the Magnificent Seven will never get past a pretty okay 2 or 3, and the hobbits will never meet Aragorn. But the plans of these forward thinking agents of evil was thwarted when the scummy villains realized that they need a hive as much as the hero’s needed a place of marginal danger from which to transition their narrative to places of true danger. So the bar flies among the villains tipped off the old heroes to the plans of the evil overlords, and the afore mentioned old heroes stepped in to put a stop to it. Is that correct?"

Go to Comment
Time Spent With Trolls
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Swamp)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-11-02 11:23 AM
Looks interesting, but sadly I am feint of heart, inexperienced and sane. So Troll hunting is none of my business. Go to Comment
Time Spent With Trolls
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Swamp)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-11-05 11:05 PM
T.H.I.S. has spirit akin to the naturalists of Edwardian and Victorian England but the write ups have shades of Diane Fossey.

I admire a departure from the listing of facts (juicy details in your words) format and the inclusion of a narrative perspective. Go to Comment
The Headless Motorcycle Man
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Travelers)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-11-03 08:12 AM
Why are you not a fan of this style of sub? How would you describe this style of sub? Go to Comment
The Headless Motorcycle Man
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Travelers)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-11-03 08:13 AM


I think the prose is strong and professional and the story has potential, particularly around Halloween. I enjoyed the phraseology and admired the word choice. But the story is really about the Deni and Billy characters, while the post claims to be about headless motorcycle man. We don’t have a backstory for the ghost characters. The post-script also asserts that the focus of this story is on the motorcycle man and attempts to describes the use of the motorcycle man in game. The content does not fully equip a storyteller or game master to use this work, you have an idea here, a plot, but you don’t have a complete story or a completely developed NPC.



The assertion that the resolution of this conflict should be system specific would only be true for the most sophomoric of gamers. Imagine if halfway through your story Billy pulls out his holy symbol banishes the undead then gets in the car and moves on. That is not resolution. And above we don’t have resolution for the ghost characters. I know gamers that would be satisfied with that, but I don’t play with them.



Summary: All the details of the story are great but have you really expanded up on the content beyond “The restless spirit of a leather glad biker straight from central casting searches the back roads for the ghost of the woman that cut off his member”? As a piece of inspiration this is great, as a gaming resource it offers little because it has neither backstory nor resolution. As “draw it with crayon” camp says it lacks the “juicy details”.

Go to Comment
Queen Nekcrola the 47th (a Tale of Mysantia)
NPCs  (Campaign)   (Political)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-15 07:19 PM
I like it, the prose starts out witty and cheeky, but it seems like you run out steam towards the end and just start listing things. Overall nice sub, that describes its subject as much by tone as by the facts listed. This was a fun read. Go to Comment
The Threat of Sugar
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Artistic/Performance)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-21 09:36 AM
This is wonderful. I love the way you presented the information. They style of presentation gave as much, or more, as the information in text itself. I can't give this enough praise for presentation alone. Go to Comment
The Residents of Oldport
Society/ Organizations  (Combative)   (Local)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-02-07 11:26 AM
I think this is a great piece, and so glad that I read it because I enjoyed it immensely. I think this idea of the immortally indentured servants is a great one that I do not feel has been fully explored in speculative fiction. The basic concept here could be stretched to sci-fi and these people could be holograms or robots or something that get reload every year. What else I have to say about this is just the musing of an enthusiastic fan boy.

This write up really straddles the three way line between real literary fiction, cartoonish sophomoric fiction and banal table top RPG considerations. In the first four paragraphs I feel you very concisely and skillfully layout a relatively complex situation by allowing the reader to view the events and discern their meaning. You show it, don’t say it and that show faith in your writing and your reader. I am impressed and feel like I could learn from it.

Then when you get into the next sections, you have asides that are obviously directed at the gamers: you note that all people should be seen as skilled warriors, and you discuss how very system specific concepts such turning undead and such might work. I get why you did this but it kind of pulls you out the story of these people. With some formatting changes I think you could condense all these gamer asides into one section. While the post still works, you just lose some of the rhythm and story telling strength with these asides.

Next you have the description of the towns people, and this is where you get into the cartoonish
“his waist tends to jiggle in more directions than needed, he is none the less dedicated to maintaining the oath. He can regularly be found with his trusted judge’s gavel hitting raiders over the head and yelling for reinforcements.”

There is nothing wrong with cartoonish, but it changes the theme of the piece again. You have children longing for death and clear mushrooms of their corpses and then a goofy fat man swinging a gavel into people’s heads and calling for help. Then you have Ua’d with his implied pontification on the nature of death, but you link that again to necromantic spells. I think a lot humans today wonder about death without the benefit or necromancy (unless you count the easter story as a necromantic event).

Yet there is an upside to these presentations. It presents the characters in a very accessible fashion. I can see everyone in my mind. Also by making them a little fun or cliché, you do cut into the morose themes, and I think that is necessary to explain why people keep up this process year after year.

Finally you descend again into sort of a darkly comic but horrific scene of children in battle, babies being blown apart, and young girls tearing the flesh off people’s bodies. You link this again to the cold blood priest’s bet. This is evocative stuff, and I would take this to mean that these people have been corrupted by years of war. But I can’t tell from the tone of the piece what you were going for here. Still it is great imagery and I found the prose to be strong and clear.

Overall great post, and though I now why you did it, I feel like you blunted this piece by focusing on combat and tactics and not on the lives and relationships of these people. You leave us with seeds, particularly in the case of Maria, but what is life like when you live immortally for combat? Do people fearing death wish to join the town and write their name in the ledger? Who will be the last man standing after everyone chooses death? What is the raid’s stop, will the count fail to arrive?

The fact that this piece raised these questions for me, made it a stronger and more enjoyable write-up for me.
Go to Comment
Bishop Saul O'hara
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-21 03:33 PM
Really great stuff here funny, interesting and very visual Go to Comment
Mien Endsieg
Items  (Books and Scrolls)   (Campaign Defining)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-10-14 01:53 PM


Does the book measure the height and angle of the reader's forehead to help determine racial purity of its readers? And why only white males...women loved Hitler.



Subplot...the neo-nazi camp comes across a book written by the ghostly hand of Chamberlin. They pass this book onto the PCs and suddenly our heros find themselves make all kinds of compromises.

Go to Comment
Mien Endsieg
Items  (Books and Scrolls)   (Campaign Defining)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-10-14 07:53 PM
If you are not looking for validation than it doesn't matter what people think of your subs.You fit in fine as far as I concerned, and I do pity you and I do validate you. I thought my Chamberlin comment was funny, and low be you in my estimation for not giving me even a snicker or disgusted eye roll. People commented on this in generally positive light. Shame on you for trying to shame us by asserting that we are shunning or excluding if you had any of emotion you assert that you are having you would have gone away quietly and not left this -I just don't belong note-. Furthermore, I want to call your hand I will make a better case that I don't belong here and you do. Let me know if you are playing! Go to Comment
30 Super-Villians
NPCs  (Major)   (Criminal/Espionage)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-02-23 11:43 PM


Lets bring this back.....


Go to Comment
Castle
NPCs  (Minor)   (Technical)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-11 05:50 PM
this i really neat, nice 100 word treatment Go to Comment
It's A Gone World
Locations  (World)   (Any)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-10-13 08:57 PM
Booooo!

"The potential to offend outweighs the utility" That is a slippery slope. After all it is part the speculative genre to push the envelope to an extreme so that the middle can be re-evaluated. I agree it was a tasteless and crass post, but not without merit. Maybe Censorship makes me a little sad....

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