Strolen\s Citadel content. 
Derran Thurswrat
NPCs  (Minor)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-26 09:31 PM
I read this some time ago and I was impressed with it as an Oekakai challenge and with the choice of character here. I have read a few other things you have done and I think you a have real knack for painting the human condition into genre fiction. Go to Comment
Courtesan's secret weapon
Items  (Clothes)   (Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-06-08 01:03 AM


Why didn't you like what I wrote, and I why is what you wrote you superior to my ideas? You should have critiqued it then. You should not have claimed in another thread that you have written something superior. What could I do to make something more suited to your preferences.....be specific. I tried to live up to the possibility of the flirting dress or at least expand on the idea, and I feel concerned that custos found it uncool. Please elaborate on cool. It is also BS that you didn't read the original flirting dress post and only my flirting dress derivative post, because the flirting dress and its abilities were not described at all in the post you reference.

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The Demon's Grove
Locations  (Area)   (Any)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-16 12:07 AM
you nailed it,

the tone of the narrative is perfect, I enjoyed it.

Well done and more please! Go to Comment
RoboSports
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (City/ Ruin)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-05-05 06:50 PM
It is "The Champ" with Robots. Go to Comment
Kolburn Pierre
NPCs  (Character Sheet)   (Travelers)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-28 06:59 AM
Solid Character, it is like most of my PC write ups.

You should give him a couple of quotes.

I feel like we could have a sub-heading for PC concepts (it wouldn't be much different than good NPCs) but the write up focused on RPing and future events as much as their current state and past.

Out of votes, catch this one later Go to Comment
Kolburn Pierre
NPCs  (Character Sheet)   (Travelers)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-29 10:26 AM
I liked it Go to Comment
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-24 09:30 PM
It is interesting her experiences with animal intellect or so liberating, I am not a behaviorist, but I believe most (most) animal emotions are varying degrees of discomfort. A chapter told entirely from the animal perspective would be interesting, she has written books but only really alluded to the animal experiences. You touched on it a bit with her dog days in the city. But if the animal experiences are what is most important to her why the laundry list of events related to her human acquaintances? Do you intend for us to doubt the narrator's self-knowledge? Go to Comment
Yarnuks
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Water)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-21 08:50 PM


Sci-fi spell jammers in the deep. I love it. I think we discussed this before in chat: but i like the idea of these beings, and I think it adds different dimension of the setting. By writing from the perspective of one these beings you could use more hard science in you descriptions of life forms and structures. For example you could discuss things in terms of wavelength and ionic attractions ( stuff a being from a crashed spaceship could be aware of), and just having these in the setting expands the setting immensely.



The write up is a little terse. Almost like bullet points. What happened the Valadaar of six or eight years ago that opened up his posts with little in-world first person vignettes?

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Yarnuks
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Water)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-22 08:01 AM


Check out the Vorrkush sub



It is another mystical deep dwelling arthropod of Decathros with a Lovecraft vibe.

Go to Comment
Yarnuks
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Water)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-20 05:24 PM
This is really good. Go to Comment
Yarnuks
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Water)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-20 05:25 PM
Don't think about it as gaming then. This was part of a world building challenge, and these creatures really add to the world. By having creature in the world a whole new avenue of sci-fi orientated story lines and perspective on story lines is accessible. Go to Comment
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-24 09:24 PM
I read this one a couple of days ago, it kind of reads like a laundry list of events, but it is missing any real meat to it. Go to Comment
Elizabeth Sheybad and the Flirting Dress
Plots  (Crisis)   (Encounter)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-18 04:30 PM
I have been told many times that the citadel is an Rpg site, not a fiction site. And that RPG fiction should end right before or right after something really awful or dramatic happens, that way the players can pick up where the author left off, so we continue this in a forum RPG, or write me another weird item and I will try an incorporate into another thread of this narrative. Go to Comment
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-16 06:55 PM
Suspension of disbelief regarding the bird getting on to and out the the airplane in such a way as follow chic around a major international airport:

check

Suspension of disbelief regarding a talking song bird (even if its polymorphed bird):

check

Nice story, stuff happens, I was interested.

I would drop the second to last paragraph. The story ends once the woman leaves...and it is better that way. Go to Comment
Ellen Lancaster
NPCs  (Minor)   (Artistic/Performance)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-24 08:33 PM


I was looking for something to read on the fly and so I clicked on this thing. This has everything I have ever wanted to see on the Citadel. It is written with a consistent perspective, and it builds its world subtlety around characters. This might be the best thing I have ever read on the Citadel. It certainly has a lot of the qualities I have aspired to and experimented with, I truly admire this piece. Forget those banal self-important distinctions of whether or not this is “useful” or the content ascribes to my biases or preferences regarding genre; I love what this represents in as much as it has the ambition to be a completely immersive piece. The bar at the Citadel keeps getting raised (which may shrink and change depending on the community), and I believe that you have raised the bar. I would say this is transcendent: You have character driven world building and story-telling in a speculative fiction genre (with a big bit of wish fulfillment thrown in). This is well-realized character and world, and you have communicated a great deal here with a single narrative. Thank you.



As for the content, I just want to note that I respect every choice you made in writing this.



The author/narrator clearly has a lot of respect and almost adoration for his subject. Only when noting that she may not have resented being so positively featured in the documentary does he ever dig into his subject or question her at level beyond face value. It would be an interesting experiment and very telling of the conflicts in your world to hear about the events alluded to and described from the opposition's perspective. Could you paint a sympathetic picture of one your villains or antagonistic characters?



Another thing I found jarring (another word would be notable), but not in a bad way per se, was your take on superheros here. The Silver Age fantasy of the superhero is some mild mannered or over looked person who can suddenly burst out and do something fantastic. The super powers become allegory for the overlooked potential, emotional turmoil, super-ego or inner life of the nerd or the put upon individual. Here your characters (including Silver’s) are Grammy winning artists, best selling authors and beautiful young people living hipster lives in NYC. In many many ways they are departures from the lifestyles of people who plan than their lives around live chatting RPGs on a Saturday night. Are you really writing what you know?



Finally there is one thing I just don’t buy. I don’t believe that this Juilliard educated woman in her 30s who is thoughtful and considerate of meaningful communication, AND born in 1988 or 1989 could reference Rocky III with esoteric precession and complete assurance that her reference would be caught and understood. Even if she was some how a fan of early 80s pulp cinema, it was incredulous that this New York Times author and his editor were both on the same page and felt no need to explain this reference to his audience. In that moment I saw the aging fanboy behind the text. (But I completely loved it.) This is not believable...unless your alternate history promotes Rocky III to the ranks of Pooh Bear, Shakespeare, and Star Wars in terms of Western pop culture allusions. If Rocky III is a universal classic in your world... then well done sir.

Go to Comment
Ellen Lancaster
NPCs  (Minor)   (Artistic/Performance)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-21 09:48 AM
Bumping this cause it has an innovative presentation. Go to Comment
Flirting dress
Items  (Clothes)   (Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-16 02:36 PM
I took that as an Oekaki challenge scras! Go to Comment
Flirting dress
Items  (Clothes)   (Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-18 10:42 AM
Cheka! The Queen of Vallermoore would love this wouldn't she! Go to Comment
Flirting dress
Items  (Clothes)   (Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-18 10:43 AM
Or traumatize children on the sly. Go to Comment
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-14 02:17 PM
Minor Note:
"The new quarter began at school and Sarah was deep in study land. Despite her words about me stealing her study buddy, she didn't seem to mind that Ellen got me more now. Almost as if she deliberately invited me over to get to Ellen.."

This is an early conclusion for second date so I assume their relationship is progressing but the chronology is a little tough to follow in the beginning.

Bigger thought:
Ellen and Eve's whole courtship feels like a rush to consummation. And without any conflicts-internal or external-nothing really happens in this section.

What was your goal with this section? Go to Comment
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