You just made exactly my point yet you say it is not chronological issue-are you just making fun of me? GIving me a hard time?. ;)
You write an "as begins to lose stability", thus you are describing a process a start and finish and how his perception will change on the journey. That is what chronology is referring to, it is not referring to specific dates but the journey the character is on. Relative, Chronology, or the passage of time, or the journey of the character..whatever you want to call it is exactly what your talking about when you write stuff like "fall further and further into the darkness". I really like every piece of this and I like what you doing with. I respect you so much for doing it as writer. This work/sub is not a case of a fanboy listing cool "facts" or neat one liners. But you are telling story, a story I am interested in and now invested in.
I am just trying to suggest one or two little things that think could make it a lot clearer. I could gleen this from the post, that divinity was written in different state of mind than summoning. But the state of the character's mind was not clearly communicated cause it was written in past tense and without defined breaks in the action we must assume it was all written at once. This view of one writing was particularly enforced by the retro-spective foreshadowing in the first section. "What he didn't know is how far I would be willing to go to gain this information. " The reader should be given a tool by the narrator to separate the different vignettes contextually or at have reason to keep them separate not to try and unify the perspective.Go to Comment
"Elizabeth, 3, blood loss from removed limbs."
That is a little graphic no? Nobody says s**t about this but people get all huffy if you type f**k. Darn backward moral code if you asked me.
Overall this reminds of the anti-batman character from the comic Nemesis (thanks A.B.) and of course the character from Se7en (with the single finger print and all).
As to Adam Smith, I like this version of him and his blood thirsty capital_crimes_list. Get it Adam Smith wrote "The wealth of nations" and this Adam Smith made a lot of deposits in the blood bank.....no?....bah
Again like the others I would like to know more, write now it is all flair and no depth.Go to Comment
Tragedy Plus Time:
Adam Smith escapes from prison and travels to new town and starts up his murderous spree again. Little does Adam Smith expect that he will finally meet his match, the world’s most incompetent police force and unmotivated journalistic community. Try as Adam Smith might to stake out (literally he put a stake into somebody) a reputation and inspire fear in people he just can’t get these badge totting morons to connect even the most obvious dots. Murders go unnoticed or misunderstood. The local PETA president eaten by rescue kittens was never discovered. The couple buried alive under a ton coal was declared an accident, the detailed calling card describing how he killed a local vicar with a high pressure liquid nitrogen enema was declared a suicide note, and the investigation of the man tricked into to eating ball bearings before the MRI was derailed by poor paper work and a mix up at the morgue. They dismissed that calling card as a prank cause autopsy ruled it a hearth attack. Just last week Adam Smith went to the police station to inquire about the how the investigation into that “terrible trebuchet and sewing needle related death” was going and the duty sergeant paused from her texting long enough to point at the chalk board listing open cases. His latest masterpiece was beneath “tire fire”.
Truly, Adam Smith was put out. He could move to new town, but then what about all the work he put into this mid-size town. He would just have to play both sides. So Mr. Smith goes to hire the some professionals. The PCs are brought in to town with the promise of money and the goal of getting these investigations back on track. Then the "action" starts.
1) The PCs have to wrestle the case away from the momentum of incompetence that currently holds them.
2) Another elaborate murder occurs (sort of) but even the PCs will find convincing evidence that this was an accident, all be it, a freakish one. There is the absence of the dragon card, which their employer insists would be there. The hitch is that local minister and his friend the town’s largest landowner, both ex-spies or cops, have been working to cover up the murders. a. Minister “This would just ruin the town, a few accidents we can handle but serial killer…no thank you…they never make you look good.” b. Land Owner: “Best just to ignore these types, they will move along or die, at least he doesn’t do it on the street. ”
3) Smith starts cracking up, he is practically confessing to crimes, finding evidence and insisting that crime scenes have been tampered with. The PCs will no doubt be putting things together. If they do “catch” Smith I can imagine the confrontation going something like this.
Smith-“Hello, my friends, I suppose this isn’t really what you expected is it.”
PC 1- “Well….uh…you kind of told us where to look for stuff”
PC 2- “Wait, are we still getting paid?”
Smith-“I think a certain payment will be delivered, perhaps not what you expected, but a man can only do so much from jail. Of course I have been know to plan ahead as Judge Rudolph would attest”
PC 1- “Who?”
PC 3- “Listen bud we work for you, no reason to send you up the river”
PC 2- “I forget did he pay us”
Smith-sipping his brandy, “I suppose you will want toknow how the undertaker’s fingers ended up in the boot of that volkswagon.”
All PCs- “Nah”
PC 3- “You said there would be a reward if we got the guy, is that still tr-”
PC 4 I shoot Smith in the head
GM-wait you don’t know how the fish monger ended up glued to the wrecking ball
PC4-Head. * rattle * SWEET a crit!Go to Comment
If I play basketball and D&D then my motivation may be the same, I enjoy it or find it rewarding. But what I find rewarding about the two is very different in some respects and overlapping in others. Enjoyment is the conclusion or cumulative response to experince, but stating that I enjoy it does nothing to detail my motivation behind it. "he enjoys it" is no answer at allGo to Comment