While this may not be as polished (or dare I say self-important) as some other subs. It has heart! Or truth! Or perhaps it has the type of self aware sincerity you find in high school year books. At the end the day we couldn't honestly say the year book staff was doing it for the school, cause us kids in gen-pop could care less. It was all about the yearbook, and the Yearbook (putting all the pictures together, making pages for each group) was a justification in and of itself.
And though the year book was small in a scope, short on originality and put together by wildly over confident amateurs I would wager it held more personal weught for its publishers than the last issue of playboy or the new yorker did their own. It had sincerity.
So there are few things as tender or as sincere as well done year book. So I salute this post.....*sniff*
Because this is about gaming, and damn it I gamed.
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Because the way Aramax puts it is how it was man, that is really how it was.
another niche filled and the write up made me snicker a few times
"Seriously, who designs these things, and do they have no idea of personal safety???"
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I will assimilate this rebranding of the troupe and apply it to future cosmic era works
To be fair, I don't know what story you want to tell. But I think you have run rough shod over the story thus with out taking time to properly develop plot points or characters. I specifically referring to Botari's story thus far. There is a very interesting story there which you wrote but oddly did not respect. You have this girl suffer a traumatic injury that strips her of memories and perhaps her identity. She then has to struggle to regain a sense of who she is and upon gaining that sense of self she decides to run away. This particular journey of the character is interesting because it filled with risk. We have reason to doubt the other members of her tribe, both because of her amnesia and because of the actions of other characters. We have reason to doubt the soundness of her decision making because of mental handicap. But you spend maybe 1000 words on that total. You keep the character into new scenes and situations that are almost completed divorced from the conflicts and relationships of the previous scene.
We start in chapter one with her walking up slowly in her tent and not knowing anybody. We meet a bunch of characters, but they are largely mysterious because of her amnesia.
Then you jump ahead several months and she healed reconnecting with the steppe. We don't deal with or see any resolution to relationships that were strained in the fist chapter. She is already coy and pouty with her Aunt who she seems to trust and have this very comfortable relationship. This does not build on the isolation and disorientation that you built up in the first chapter
Next her two best friends (pretty much new characters) walk straight of a Nick Sparks novel and have a regressive conversation about marriage. Again the relationships are comfortable and we introduced to a new conflict: marriage. How does her memory loss affect her understanding of marriage and specifically her betrothal? You see you are not connecting the events of the chapters smoothly or even logically. Though admittedly the next chapter, in which she runs aways does follow.
But you then have her chase with kiddnappers. Nicely written but a whole new conflict. Then after that chase she literally runs into another scene, the chase is forgotten and she has another choice to make regarding which tribe to join in the war. Then in the next chapter she has to deal with some guy obsessing over her ears. Nothing has had any real consequence yet, at least not emotionally for the character. It is hard to get invested in a character who herself seems very uninvested in any situation.
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I think you should go back to the first 5 of these chapters and write up the story of her recovery from the injury and decision to runaway (take her destiny in her hands) as a complete story. Because that is a complete story, chapter in the character's life if you will and don't feel it is fully resolved before she starts falling in love here.