I get the repititiveness may be accurate for the story you are trying to tell, but perhaps a slight tweek of the language might make it a little more engaging. You start two paragraphs in a row with "XXXX picked me up next". This is a minor point, but it is one little thing you could polish up. Go to Comment
It reminds me of the character generation lists in traveller. Just a nudge more towards satire and this list would be really funny and amusing, but I chuckled a couple of times. Nice list. Go to Comment
I do not have much to say, it is fairly complete and a really good idea. I really like her journal excerpt. Though it does remind me of the princess bride, "All dead or mostly dead" . Mr. Mark, I think this is a great idea Extremely useable and you should add more (because I am sure you have more). It is not nearly close to being too long.
As a painting of a person, we a get a feel for intellectual motivations, but not for her personal style, tone or behavior. Does she make eye contact or have a distant look in her eye? Does she laugh or keep a poker face? She takes an interest in perserving life, but she does take an interest in the content of those lives? Is she interested in the maundane stories of peoples life, their grief, their romances and their observations? What does she do when she needs to unwind? You have a whole section on personality and you don't describe a personality. It is just an extension of her motivation section. If my half-Orc barbarian comes up to a isolated country well, a strings of ears around his neck and sees an albino chic making notes in codex, how will she respond when he wants to regale her with his war poetry? Or other less specific examples....
How does she deal with aging?
How does she eat? Does she gather and hunt, does trade in cash?
I think the rape and murder scene would be more horrific and thus effective if more details were added. Is this her talking in these scenes? Does she start referring to herself in third person after the event? If you gave the rapist and the event more details I think he would be more disturbing. What if he is a boy, what does she see in his eyes, is he smiling while he does these awful things, does he have a mustard stain on his shirt, does he thank god when he enters her? Is their a member of her clan, who is not quite dead, who she sees as she is being attacked, and thus this second violation becomes not just of her but of her family members last memories.
Rain fell and thunder crashed. This sentence would be interesting and necessary only if rain and thunder did something unusual….
“The rain was standing suspended in the air and the lightening appeared to hold its breath unable to speak its thunder clap after pushing back the darkness for this field of slaughter”
As it is I would drop it, we don’t know if it is day or night, winter or summer, hilly or flat, costal or inland (though we learn later it must be the plains). The only important details are that the ground is trampled, telling of us that was much activity, and it is flowing the blood. The first sentence should make you want to read the second sentence. I would drop the first two sentences, and start with rivulets of blood. This paragraph is about what Cela is observing, so you could start the paragraph with what is important her. Building a scene, by giving the readers details and then revealing the horror or the beauty of the scene at the end, work best when the reader is already invested in the outcome of the scene. Perhaps a better opener would be scene of Cela and her clan before the attack.
This is great each one of these could be sub in and of itself, and you really paint a picture of how the every day joe interacts with chrome and its brands. As roleplaying or story telling tool once you have these laid out for the player/reader you could use these to put a mood on a person or place. Go to Comment
I can certainly buy and understand a young man getting swept up in all this and not understanding the risks. He is a nice character, and I applaud your bold and graphic use of in game stats on top of the character write up. Keeping pushing the envelope sir! Go to Comment
I really like this idea and all the ideas, you didn't quite paint us visuals of anything. You would expect, maybe even demand some more descriptive entries from a list of wonders. But I am sucker for enigma gods and dwarves. Go to Comment