Et tu Strolen,
first my comment on 4-9-13 was regarding my own comment on this post made on 4-7-13, so I was calling my own writing horrible. It (my comment) was unfocused and rambling
I decided to try and make one point, so edited the comment yesterday. And the suggestion that this should go into the plot was a minor point that has little relevance to what I was trying to say. I am talking about the theology of the cult. But you are right the theology or values of the cult don't have a lot relevance to the actual submission? There in was my point. Go to Comment
"Join a cult, Small steps, better rewards, before you know it, the PCs release a greater demon."
That is the idea. I think the idea would have more drama and be more engaging as a roleplaying tool if it was
"Join a cult, Smalls step, better rewards and before you know it the PCs WANT MORE than ANYTHING to release a greater demon."
One does not have the write up the theology per se, as we all agree the theology is unimportant to the plot. But what i was suggesting was the there be a line of information or point in the action SE outlined in which the PCs take control of the narrative and the cult. Alternatively, perhaps a point were the PCs have to make choice: great reward or advancement of the cult. Perhaps several small scenes in which the PC interact with Gods, one of the PCs could have the dreams about the Goddess, the PCs could be carriers for the spirits of the demigods. Because right now the PCs don't really have any interaction with the Gods, the demigods are summoned then leave the room (of course having to much NPC time is dangerous to a narrative). I am suggesting a scene or line of the story that causes the PCs to become invested in the cult beyond the stat and material rewards, and beyond the "well we already gone this far" argument.
I like this write up, I really respect and admire the way it is written, I said that i my first comment. I like that you have both a story told in an immersive narrative and the GM voice dialog about why and how the plot should progress. If I wanted to an example of sub with a great voice I would point to this one. I gave it a 4. I will give it HoH.
Yet ou guys are just being awful and defensive, you exaggerating things and setting up these false hyperbolic conditions. What I think I am hearing
"We are here to have fun, to much thought=less fun"
"I am not getting paid to do this, it is "
"You are obtuse (lacking sharpness or quickness of sensibility or intellect ) and missing the point."
I think I get the point, in that SE is not just sharing an idea, he is both telling a story and telling people how to tell a story. I like the story, I like way he told it, but I suggest that the story would be stronger if there was more personal involvement in the story on the part of the protagonist in an RPG. Because right now in the write up it may the actions of the PCs the drive the plot, but they under the direction of the NPCs. And I am just suggesting, I am not saying…well I reserve my vote…or demanding you improve this. I too am trying to articulate an idea. Go to Comment
I meant this to be one of scras 30 minutes writing challenges. In that you are supposed to write up something original in 30 minutes. To be original it couldn't be a write up of some aspect of my standing settings or write up of some game material I have lying around. So sat down to write with a timer I used -stumbleupon-to get some inspiration and then I cranked out 7 paragraphs in 30 minutes. But when I was done it didn't fit any of the topic criteria, other than it was quickly written. So I broke up one paragraph, added an 8th and tossed it up here.
Don't know burrito bison, the bear flying craft were a gag used by stand up comedian working out of Ashville NC and the submarine was inspired CSS Hunley. Go to Comment
Lana is the gem of this one and indeed breaks it right in half. You take all this great material for story and bog it down with mundane gaming details and these weird facts you get off in folding into things .
"Worthington Biotechnologies would be later bought out and subsumed into the conglomerate of Gordon, Kingsman, and Thorne (GKT)."
I wouldn't say this anyone else: KEEP TELLING YOURSELF WRITER FIRST. Go to Comment
First I like the way you wrote this one, I think there are few clumsy phrases that could be patched up with a good proof read, those don't really set it back. Thematically the idea and the write up has classical innocence to it. The concept of a clear law and good opposed to a clear criminal element is so basic and lacking nuance that it is almost avant garde. It is like something you might find in a golden or silver age comic book. I appreciate how you left the details of the powers a little ambiguous, it gives the write up an honest sense of perspective and frames the item more a story telling piece than gaming piece. Go to Comment
Thanks for the comments guys, you brought up a lot possiblities I hadn't thought of. I wrote this in 30 minutes as dictated by scars's writing challenge, (full disclosure...somebody proof read it, though not very well and I added the title and summary after 30 minutes). Looking over it know the thought process is pretty evident, the first character is writing but has run out of time. I added a bunch details to stall while I came up with a "plot" The next character is getting impatient and the story ends without a resolution. So I really don't have answers to your questions, the bird men were born in the first paragraph. I could make some up, but should I? If the literal message of the story is about perspective, and personal versus societal truth..should I add a nitty-gritty?
Anyway I can add stuff to the idea section. Thanks again for the notes! Go to Comment
This is a solid idea written in a straight forward unembellished manner. I like the directness of it and the bits of insight that you have into the patterns and needs of humanity. (Or am I just writing my thoughts into your narrative....damn game...are there insights or do I just see insights and wisdom were I want to see it)
I just re-read what I wrote last night and the post is full of errors if with a third party proof read and some because of it. Would the goal of your game here be forfeited if we went back in fixed stuff, for examples "styluses" should be "stylus's" and so on. Go to Comment
New Challenge on his Front: The Oekaki Citadel Fan Fic Challenge: Pick a sub at random and write a follow up sub based on that sub. If you get an item write up a plot that involves that item, and if you get a plot write up a character and so on. Go to Comment
There is a lot of information here, and presented almost a list facts. It lacks the narrative and personal strength of most your work I have read. You might as well put it together as flow chart. Something that might bring it to life, something that I know you excel at, would be to drop little personal vignettes about the major events into the text. In fact I am interested in the setting, and would interesting in writing up few such micro stories if you wouldn't mind. Go to Comment