Strolen\s Citadel content. 
Intrigue in the Hebra IX Cluster
Plots  (Crisis)   (Multi-Storyline)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-02-23 05:12 PM

I like this one, nice lead in, fun plot-going to planet with that kind of write up will certainly get the PCs interested-classic drama, not a lot of character details but that just makes things more flexable and there is actually a lot detail here. 

The only I would ask for would be a little more description of the Sneel themselves and what their home world might look and feel like. 

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League of Fox
Society/ Organizations  (Criminal/Espionage)   (Regional)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-04-14 11:52 PM
I know you have changed a lot of this since people 1st voted, but I think this a jumbled mess. So perhaps this has been over edited.
The overall post conveys very little, you would give us just as much information if you had said "What if Robin Hood died a martyr and lived on as a legend" This is devoid of any detail, the details it does provide are unclear and thus distracting and it lacks surprise or novelty.

I have listed some sections and followed those up with questions.

1)-Learning a mastery of archery under Red Fox the five applied their skill against any target pointed out by his discerning eye quickly becoming a thorn in the side of the territorial armies and the men who owned them.-

You don't introduce the five prior this sentence. This I believe is important, as you discuss later the children of the original five, the uniforms they wore must have been distinctive, and that those uniforms are some how passed one so that with the addition of 10 uniforms you have 15 members. Additionally, and this is less important, we don't know if the League are assassins , robbers or warriors trying to carve out territory. It may be enough to know that they were hated by the nobles, but if you had a larger vision of the League's tactics and methods it is not coming through.

2 (three parter) -As the age passed Red Fox continued to speak out against the ruling class and teach others his skill and techniques as the League grew in size, but the world had changed.-

A) What did Red Fox have to say besides he ruling class was bad? He obviously wanted a ruling class that put the people first but did he have specific model in mind?

B) -the League grew is size- Does the League consist of more than the 5-15 warriors?

C)The world changing suggests that there was a paradigm shift in the types of institutions and values of society. All you say in this paragraph is that the nobles were getting more ruthless in their pursuit of him. Considering his original beef with the Nobles that seems par for the course.

3)-construction of 10 additional uniforms -

Again is there something special about these uniforms?

4)-was slain before he would ever see his plans come to fruition.-
What was his plan? Had the League been destroyed and he been acting alone? Was he going to start an open rebellion? By promising the fighters places for their children in his organization was he laying the ground work for a herditary feudal system?

5)-One of the Fifteen was approached by the general of the Lords private guard with the intent to turn him against his leader and perhaps spare his own life in the process but the message was passed directly to Red Fox,-
5-A) It is 15 including Red right?

5-B) So Red walks knowingly into the trap so that the Lord will think his plan worked and he won't punish the member of the 15 who warned Red?

6)-League had not scattered as he commanded. As his body was taken by troops to burn, the Fourteen came down upon them attacking from the trees and bushes circling the remaining force.-
They watched him die and waited until after he was dead to act?

7) What were Red Fox's last words? I am going to guess they were something like
"This is the big one! You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm coming to join ya, honey!"

8) Again what is the deal with his armor?

9) This post has a fairly high score. Is this a really good post and I am just a fool? Go to Comment
League of Fox
Society/ Organizations  (Criminal/Espionage)   (Regional)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-04-14 11:52 PM
Seriously has this changed a lot since the original post? Go to Comment
Divine Gifts
Systems  (Divine/ Spirit)   (General)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-09-23 05:46 PM
I am not sure what this about, you list the three gifts and describe briefly what went into getting, but if it is about the gifts then shouldn't we know why they were given, you have healers and demons revokers but what is the goal of the god?

If it is about Saints, should we know their stories? Is there a thesis statement to this post. You give us some details, but they are just details they lack narrative context and thus dramatic or emotional weight. Go to Comment
NPCs  (Minor)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-22 01:15 PM
Nice use of a stub. Could rework it as a 100 word challenge. Go to Comment
Boots of the Asrok
Items  (Clothes)   (Cursed)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-22 01:07 PM
Call of the Wild Boots!

I never saw the original but I respect and admire every choice you made in the write up as it stands now. The boots could be written up and used in a game with just the first and the last section. But instead you took a relatively minor magical item, all be it a dangerous one, and used it to tell a story. Nice. Go to Comment
Ryder Honor Code
Systems  (Societal/ Cultural)   (Specific)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-02-18 11:18 PM
I like these sort of ethnographic subs. Go to Comment
Sagas of Kerren
Systems  (Knowledge/Lore)   (Specific)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-02-18 11:23 PM
If this is to be central page or a page 1, I would it would need a little more intro. Right now it is really nothing more than a place holder. I think you could have a place holder than also hold a little more information and A LOT more flavor. Maybe a little splash of flavor fiction or MH style this is how you should game blurb. Go to Comment
The Songtress of Death
Lifeforms  (Unique)   (City/ Ruin)
axlerowes's comment on 2010-10-20 05:49 PM

I like the idea of mystical dancers roaming the country side of the fringe of society, it has very celtic-fairy-folk feel about it.  But for all the stuff you have going here, you fail develop any of it.  The narrative and the idea have no personality other broad strokes of victim and predator. Also, the Staff of Destiny, even in a short narrative such as yours, I feel a little cheated when a proper noun item turns that turns out to be game changer was only mentioned asides.  

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The Forge of Woe
Locations  (Area)   (Mountains)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-24 07:57 AM
The physics and biology of fantasy settings has always struck me as an open question.

Do you have the basic elements be fire, water, earth and wind and the sickness ruled by the four humors?

Do you get into the alchemical world view or Aristotle's 'physics'?

Does employing hard science in your story telling get away from theme of your fantasy adventures?

I suppose what is important is that you have constant laws for the world, and laws that the theme of the world. I think, with regard to this post, this tells us a good bit about the world of Neyathis. Go to Comment
The Forge of Woe
Locations  (Area)   (Mountains)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-24 07:58 AM
Reminds me of dwarf fortress. Nice idea, plus a nice well written little story, plus plot hooks. Go to Comment
Worlds and Planets
Locations  (World)   (Any)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-02-23 04:56 PM
Nice concise world that could be a starting place for many plots. Would love some art to go with it. Go to Comment
Worlds and Planets
Locations  (World)   (Any)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-04-08 09:34 PM
I love this. Go to Comment
Worlds and Planets
Locations  (World)   (Any)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-04-08 09:38 PM
Inner Light Go to Comment
Worlds and Planets
Locations  (World)   (Any)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-04-08 09:42 PM
It is fine as is, but no roleplaying notes or thematic considerations? Go to Comment
Worlds and Planets
Locations  (World)   (Any)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-04-08 09:45 PM
It would interesting have one of these dragon types as a member of your crew. Go to Comment
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Mystical)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-09 04:21 PM
Old school feel to it. There was something about it I found very engaging and nerdiously arousing Go to Comment
Peto Specimen, The Bleeding King
NPCs  (Major)   (Political)
axlerowes's comment on 2010-10-20 07:54 PM

What bumps this up for me is the contradictions and problems that the NPC and his current situation presents.  He is a revolutionary and rebel who has found himself a leader.  We need more NP characters like this one.  Many NPCs "make sense" and would be stable and self contained until PCs are thrown into the mix. This NPC is on an unstainable path.  This NPC has a story cause you know he can't last.  Also the phyiscal details are over the top and extreme.  These are kind of physical details that help a spoken word medium like roleplaying.  


I think there some broken links and formatting issues that make the post a little incomplete. 

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Shaltier Gremtre
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Mystical)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-01-06 03:35 PM
Is death very fluid to those people? Do you need to start comments with "Consider this"?

I agree with what everyone else said. Go to Comment
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Mystical)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-21 08:46 PM

This is an exceptional submission. I found the overly wordy and passive voice in the "scripture" sections difficult to read but it was rewarding. I think the interweaving of this and the consistent and high fantasy tone set by the language and pacing is perfect.

I am very curious of what you think of this submission now.

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