I like this one, nice lead in, fun plot-going to planet with that kind of write up will certainly get the PCs interested-classic drama, not a lot of character details but that just makes things more flexable and there is actually a lot detail here.
The only I would ask for would be a little more description of the Sneel themselves and what their home world might look and feel like.
I like the idea of mystical dancers roaming the country side of the fringe of society, it has very celtic-fairy-folk feel about it. But for all the stuff you have going here, you fail develop any of it. The narrative and the idea have no personality other broad strokes of victim and predator. Also, the Staff of Destiny, even in a short narrative such as yours, I feel a little cheated when a proper noun item turns that turns out to be game changer was only mentioned asides.
What bumps this up for me is the contradictions and problems that the NPC and his current situation presents. He is a revolutionary and rebel who has found himself a leader. We need more NP characters like this one. Many NPCs "make sense" and would be stable and self contained until PCs are thrown into the mix. This NPC is on an unstainable path. This NPC has a story cause you know he can't last. Also the phyiscal details are over the top and extreme. These are kind of physical details that help a spoken word medium like roleplaying.
I think there some broken links and formatting issues that make the post a little incomplete.
This is an exceptional submission. I found the overly wordy and passive voice in the "scripture" sections difficult to read but it was rewarding. I think the interweaving of this and the consistent and high fantasy tone set by the language and pacing is perfect.
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I am very curious of what you think of this submission now.