"Actually I do know what a firth is, but I bet very few other people do."
I want you imagine yourself in a high school gym class. Now place your hands on your hips, raise your chin slightly, close your eyes and say aloud the line above. Now try and view that scene from outside yourself and ask yourself if vanity or smugness enter in the equation.
As for the Dark Arts thing when it comes to magic, I purposefully tried to not to get into that when it comes to mages. (dislike the dark-mage light-mage distinction) I do say their are dark Clerics and that magic has been made illegal in several of the newer kingdoms. I did want communicate that this place is associated with religions that the expectant reader, the PC, would find unpleasent. Which I take it you didn't get in the post, but I just wanted to imply it so not to make things too narrow.
I think to expand on this piece in the way that you would like I would have to write another section (in a different tone). The sub above is modeled after a travel guide and I had hoped it would suggest that this is just one of many entries. Not that I intended to write more entries, this was just a tact I took for this particular location and I rather enjoyed writing it with the "be warned but see for yourself attitude" for a prospective visitor.
As to defending the merits of the sub. I am not, because I think it is fine as it as. If I seem defensive it because I am dissappointed. You are the harshest and most vocal critic on the board and score boosting vote from you would have meant the most to me (as much as a message board score can mean), I am a little dissappointed with myself for writing something you found unexciting and incomplete. The unfortunate thing is I wouldn't have written this particular post much differently in an effort to please you, and thus the sum result is just a negative response from Moonhunter. Like if you take your friends (friend in the grade school since) to see Krull cause you really like it and they say it is average or bad. You may still like Krull afterwards, but sharing it with them wasn't enjoyable. Go to Comment
I loved battletech. This sounds alot like the Hetzer Wheeled Assault Gun with fusion engine and gauss rifle instead of an autocannon 20 and an ICE. That isn't a complaint. I thought it was well written and I liked the bit about the UV armor. Go to Comment
I sent in a lance of Saladin hover tanks one time to flank my PCs mechs. Same concept but a full speed of 12. I told them they need to spread their mechs out. I think we called it a night after that. Go to Comment
I like it, these sort of very detail items which are essentially fluff can give a lot of flair to players. I know my players always really enjoyed dragging lots of crap like this around with them. Detail post like this can really a GM to flesh out his game world. So thanks. Go to Comment
As writing advice goes this is better than most. It is both supportive of writing and logical. You don't discuss perspective however? I am sure that is deliberate, but I am not sure why.
This said nicely.
- Logic: pretend your piece is any argumentative essay. Can someone see holes in your arguments?
- Clarity: are what you wrote conveying what you meant to say?
- Completeness: any aspects in your piece that begs the questions of Who, How, Why? Go to Comment
Perhaps you should write the adventure starting with the first encounter. If you have a stable group....I believe there is something about the demographic of roleplayers, the majority of them are 10 mins away from personal crisis at all times...you can have the initial encounter with the plan that it will later become relevant during second encounter. So here you have two encounters and one plot line spread over a long chunk of time with the PCs being central to the plot line. More than half the roleplaying plots should use similiar model. However here you also have two very underdeveloped encounters and one central idea which is very strong. I think it still needs work, but it also worth working on. Go to Comment
Main battle tanks are hard to write up and make interesting. But I think this a very good entry in the department.
First in RPG-war games this tank would bring a collective grown to any PC unit (which is good). Its terrible death and the area damage that death causes on the battle field will limit the type of weapons you can bring against it, its massive armor would make it hard to bring down and its inaccurate and destructive weapon would annoy the hell out of most players.
In a more traditional sci-fi game (star wars, traveller, star trek) this would really set the tone of a fatalistic military conflict and a dangerous frontier world. This could be a fun set piece or an interesting item to make your PC drive it.
In a dark comedy game such as paranoia, this tank would be a must, and it might throw the PCs even more if the tank didn't have an AI brain and a caustic personality...but rather the PC just have a big manually controlled tank/bomb.
The idea certainly isn't novel...be it the old man in the twilight zone who wants to have the bed by the window, those that want the One ring, the demon lover, and there was even a Star Trek episode about the sword Kailess that had this same basic plot. So this is not different than all those fables that speak to dangers of ambition, vanity and greed. Here it is just a really cool toy. The sword doesn't produce ambition, or have an evil agenda. The idea is fine, but it is not giving much new to a GM or player.
Okay so let us say that you drop this into your RPG group. I had an item like this once in a long campaign I ran, it was stone that instilled the desire to possess it in all who saw it (Dragoneye, Jack, SleepingBear or Lontholeo if you are reading this you should post your character's as NPCs). At any rate it became little more than a game the players had of grabbing the stone from on another. So this could be a fun subplot and it could also challenge the metagaming tendencies of your players. Because of course the party would want the swordsman to have it, but then the mage, archer or cleric may insist on it.
But once the player ID the magical nature of the curse, can they just ignore it? Because they will try.
Also would it be damaging to one's status as a holy warrior to use it? Go to Comment
A Cosmic Era Society/ Organizations (Technical)
I think this whole post could use a little restructuring or clarification.
This sentence: " Any gown woven from Moonsilk will be so translucent that it will reflect the moonlight, hence the name "Moonsilk"."
Why the suggestion that reflecting moonlight is a special quality? Can't any reflective surface reflect moonlight? Or are you suggesting that silk resembles moonlight?
I would also suggest putting the sound making abilities at the begining of the presentation. That seems to be a major feature, I know you following a format...origin, appearance, and special abilities. But you could just toss something into the teaser.
I think this could be useful item though, any thing that creates noise, turns kinetic energy into sound or really any tool....would find a use in the hands of a problem solving player, a flashy creative-type player or trap building players. Go to Comment
Fluff text as compared to what? The facts? Fluff compared to the fourth wall stuff in which you are speaking directly to other writers or GMs? Is it fluff because it has perspective? How would you describe the voice or perspective used for most RPG fiction? This is something that deserves further discussion. Go to Comment