Lana is the gem of this one and indeed breaks it right in half. You take all this great material for story and bog it down with mundane gaming details and these weird facts you get off in folding into things .
"Worthington Biotechnologies would be later bought out and subsumed into the conglomerate of Gordon, Kingsman, and Thorne (GKT)."
I wouldn't say this anyone else: KEEP TELLING YOURSELF WRITER FIRST. Go to Comment
First I like the way you wrote this one, I think there are few clumsy phrases that could be patched up with a good proof read, those don't really set it back. Thematically the idea and the write up has classical innocence to it. The concept of a clear law and good opposed to a clear criminal element is so basic and lacking nuance that it is almost avant garde. It is like something you might find in a golden or silver age comic book. I appreciate how you left the details of the powers a little ambiguous, it gives the write up an honest sense of perspective and frames the item more a story telling piece than gaming piece. Go to Comment
Thanks for the comments guys, you brought up a lot possiblities I hadn't thought of. I wrote this in 30 minutes as dictated by scars's writing challenge, (full disclosure...somebody proof read it, though not very well and I added the title and summary after 30 minutes). Looking over it know the thought process is pretty evident, the first character is writing but has run out of time. I added a bunch details to stall while I came up with a "plot" The next character is getting impatient and the story ends without a resolution. So I really don't have answers to your questions, the bird men were born in the first paragraph. I could make some up, but should I? If the literal message of the story is about perspective, and personal versus societal truth..should I add a nitty-gritty?
Anyway I can add stuff to the idea section. Thanks again for the notes! Go to Comment
This is a solid idea written in a straight forward unembellished manner. I like the directness of it and the bits of insight that you have into the patterns and needs of humanity. (Or am I just writing my thoughts into your narrative....damn game...are there insights or do I just see insights and wisdom were I want to see it)
I just re-read what I wrote last night and the post is full of errors if with a third party proof read and some because of it. Would the goal of your game here be forfeited if we went back in fixed stuff, for examples "styluses" should be "stylus's" and so on. Go to Comment
New Challenge on his Front: The Oekaki Citadel Fan Fic Challenge: Pick a sub at random and write a follow up sub based on that sub. If you get an item write up a plot that involves that item, and if you get a plot write up a character and so on. Go to Comment
There is a lot of information here, and presented almost a list facts. It lacks the narrative and personal strength of most your work I have read. You might as well put it together as flow chart. Something that might bring it to life, something that I know you excel at, would be to drop little personal vignettes about the major events into the text. In fact I am interested in the setting, and would interesting in writing up few such micro stories if you wouldn't mind. Go to Comment
You made me touch the dork part of me that but the box sets in the 6th grade and read blue book over and over again. I love this setting, it is bluntly and forcibly written in the GM vioce but I love all the little tweaks you put on the race, kobolds are orcish runts, goblins and dwarves and artificers. Great stuff
"Also, eating vegetables is seen as week. Meat is the primary course on the table for dinner, with perhaps some vegetable on the side or on the meat."
I will check in with you game updates to see how this dude was received and used. I really like any write up that includes something as thoughtful as your intent and design section. Here are some questions you can toss around in your head
If remove the brainwash, or deprogram the character how would he act? Do you consider him to be a victim and if so how will you present that angle to your players?
Who calls him he wraith? Does he call himself this? Is it a title known to a select underworld few?
He would seem to understand human emotion, based on his social skill,even if he doesn't care for it. If he is sadistic though, than he is not indifferent to the feelings of others, indeed the feelings of other is something he would care about, all be it in a negative fashion. Is he particularly disturb or annoyed by those happy people.
Does he have a trusted staff or servant?
Who does he respect or who would he respect, aside from the Locust? Go to Comment
The ordering of the facts in this paragraph is of questionable taste
"When soldiers marched into the city, they were met with gunfire and home made explosives. This prompted McCutchin's infamous line: 'If they were hungry, they would make cake, not explosives'. Most of the rioting had centered itself around the Academy neighborhood, a predominantly African area. This had turned most of Academy and the surrounding areas of Visitation Park, Lewis Place, and the Central West End into an armed warzone/ghetto. The leaders of the riot factions were sequestered in Academy and McCutchin, having spent her last tour of duty in the Congo decided that the best way to deal with this sort of insurrection was a show of irresistible force supported by taking out the leadership of the opposition. "
I am not quite sure where the authors sympathies rest, there appears to be a slightly different tone in the first third of the piece than in last two thirds of the piece. But you tell a compelling story, and as RPG tool this is a piece of back story that could be shared by all PCs, something they could make allusions too.
Overall though this is good "essay" concise and with a narrative construction. Go to Comment