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The Broken Peace
Plots  (Discovery)   (Single-Storyline)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-15 08:24 PM
Ah the old goblins aren't really monsters it is we that are the monsters trope. One of my favorites, and this particular post is a straight forward idea presented in as bare bones outline. i like the climax in which the character will have to fight a bunch of bugbears, being that they have only encountered a few vicious ones so far. Nicely done. Go to Comment
The Broken Peace
Plots  (Discovery)   (Single-Storyline)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-29 07:24 AM
That is funny Go to Comment
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-15 08:24 AM
First, Thanks for the comment!
Second. No, it is not finished in as much as there will be a follow up posts. I have modeled this on Moonlake's "Return of the White Deer" posts. It is a different style of posting, and I am never sure how to vote on it either.
Third: I would love some proof reading thanks for asking! But I am trying to take a risk with some of the spoken dialog, and make that a little inaccessible, oddly phrased and poorly worded at times. But other than the spoken dialog if the grammar or spelling is off or there seems to be a word missing then it is likely a true error. And there are likely a lot of them, Go to Comment
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-15 05:39 PM
Write what you know Go to Comment
Drofor's Grotesquery
Items  (Art and Music)   (Cursed)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-14 11:33 AM
I really liked this, I thought the titular painting was well described and the ideas presented here are promising. The paintings are dangerous, unpredictable and not well understood (in world), that fact plus the tale described above is a great prologue for a personal adventure. However, the story itself works as an interesting anecdote without a need for expansion in as much as it gives the reader a new avenue of imagination. I also thought the world building was strong. You seem take a type of bronze age mythology (living with a god for a generation century) and mix it with late renaissance or enlightenment type sensibilities and material culture; Balls, Art Collection, Oil painting on canvas, Money Driven Economies. The theme of the tale has very dada-esque/surrealist quality, because there seem to be a clear distance between the the reality of the mind and reality. I enjoyed that as well. But in addition to the style of the world you unpack these painting with a lot of other interesting tid-bits regarding secret cults with orgy rituals, rivalries between ancient and newer gods and so on. Again, impressive and nicely executed.

The prose starts with higher mind style than it finishes with and there are few rough patches. Examples
"The self-portrait was the first which many of them saw, and in the centre of the ballroom there was a ravaging, raping mess of bodies. In the middle was the hostess herself. She gave birth to a baby girl..."

The shift of time from the orgy to the birth of the girl here is not clear between these two sentences. It becomes clear later but at this point you have the character in the middle of an orgy described as a "raping mess" giving birth to a child.

"The shadows are recognisable as being the arms of Voorm-Sotha, the shadow spider, who was an enemy of primitive humanity. It is believed that Voorm-Sotha was a fairytale, though his appearance in a painting by the Ascarya should cast suspicion on that.

The strangeness of this painting comes in when taking a look at history. Voorm-Sotha, if he existed at all, would have existed thousands and thousands of years ago. Drofor, however, is still alive. But Drofor was not yet alive when Kala painted this, three hundred years ago."

These two paragraphs run all over the place with regard to tense and perspective. Go to Comment
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-13 10:40 AM
The assumption must be that the catalytic fields require less energy than is released by the reaction. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 11
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-11 09:33 PM
So Temujin believed her? Do you want it to be ambiguous what she told him here or did you mean to communicate that Botari explain that she is possessed by the spirit of an elderly woman that was married to Temujin's genocidal doppleganger from another dimension.

So was this their first time?

Any risk of getting pregnant?

Also did you intend to communicate prior to this whether or not this dimensional jumping was planned? Was the Botari from the other dimension also possessed by a Botari from another dimension and so on like a mirror turned in on itself? Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 11
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-12 05:22 PM
"Clarity: are what you wrote conveying what you meant to say?" Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 11
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-13 08:33 PM
Wasn't the bride test her going out on the Steppe and her groom having a year to find her as proof that he was worthy or they were meant to be together? Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 11
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-16 09:19 PM
Moby Dick is worth it, it is surprisingly funny book.

Treasure Island...I can't remember if I finished it either, required reading grade school.

But Cup of Gold is fun pirate adventure book, written by the world's greatest fan boy. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 11
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-12 08:20 AM
Again you have a very jarring pacing to the work, the ambush is already forgotten...

Why are you leaving the conversation out of the story? This is in a sense their first meeting so what she says and she responds to him is very important.

Consummate means sex in a romantic context, so you got to be very clear if you are using the consummate here to mean only a kiss. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 11
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-13 04:01 PM
Back to the ambush, I get the point of it. It establishes two things; one it re-affirms how dangerous the steppee is. (Nothing good ever happens when these people leave their Gers) and it brings Botari into the group in manner that both establishes her as important and powerful, but also something of leader. But the one point in which you mention the ambush in part 2 is just to say that it really had no consequences. Thus, without consequences the scene has very little weight and very little drama, two horses and several people are killed or injured and the gang moves on.

Is this lack of weight to these action a statement you want to make about violence and killing on the steppee, as well the personal value these young boys place on the lives of their horses? If it is then well done: Violence and killing are as light an action as skipping a stone across a pond and your horse can be replaced with a thought.

But do we even need the ambush?
Yes the ambush does give Temjuin and Botari meeting some structure and really forces them together, but I think it would be more daring to present the scene as somewhat awkward or at least romantically daring. She has reversed the Bride Test here, that could be cool.

Just one 15 year old girl (who believes she is possessed by the spirit of a 15 year old boys wife from another dimension) asking a 15 year old boy to love her is dramatic enough! Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 11
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-16 08:39 PM
The second scene in this chapter appears to carry no meaning or arc. The characters appear to have no interest in what is going on. They are not trying to obtain anything from the interactions,there is no conflict in the interaction and there is very little characterization in the interaction. I found the bits about Crunalan and Mongol culture, how they were similar and how they differed, interesting. If you want to go off on little pontifications about scenery cultures in these chapter, like the inbetween chapters in Moby Dick or Cup of Gold (Steinbeck's under respected pirated adventure novel) ,I think you should embrace these thoughts. Go to Comment
axlerowes's comment on 2015-03-05 10:05 PM
"So, the neutrons are essentially charged with excess 'strong' force and essentially fuse to target atoms?"

That is good point about the metal transformation. I can imagine a forensic type thread in a sci-fi game or story in which the protagonists are examining a wreckage or debris field and find an unnaturally high number of rare isotopes. This would be undeniable foot print of this type of particle weapon, and perhaps such a fact would be telling about the attackers. For example it is asserted that at the time of writing in my dynastic migration setting that the Dynastic faction has this type of particle weapon and the lower tech Union of Worlds faction does not. Go to Comment
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-08 09:41 AM


Modular life support refers to life sustaining clothing. This could be an autonomous space suit but it also may be a suit that links into and is supported by on board system. But when a ship is described as having Modular Life support it is assumed that consumables are brought with the crew when they board. The internal life support systems ones that are part of the ship design and means that a passenger or crew member can survive in the cabin without protective clothing or his/her own source of breathable atmosphere. Internal Life Support is further broken down into standard or atmospheric. Atmospheric life support provides air pressure, a stored breathable air mixture, temperature control and radiation shielding. A standard life support system, referred to as standard because it is the required system on all dynastic spacecraft, includes gravity, nutrients and water. Within this category you also have sustaining life support. This is system by which the ship's life support purges itself of impurities created by passengers and actively produces new consumbles. This includes waste recycling, and a CO2 to O2 cycle. Cryogenic life-support means that there is a stasis chair or cryopot on the ship that can suspend life functions using minimal power.

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axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-01 11:41 PM

I. Assembly-000122 (Echo)

A. Purpose: Scout/Courier

B. Design Type: Pod

C. Faction: Dynastic Navy

D. Crew Requirement: 1

E. Life Support: Internal-Standard-Sustaining-Cyrogenic

F. Communications

1. High power EM Transmitter

2. Standard EM receiver

3. Two-way neutrino beam up link system4

G. Sensors

1.Passive EM

2. Dark Matter Monitor

3. Passive Tachyon

4. Telephoto

5. Gravity Barometer

6. Neutrino Sink

H. Armament

1. 1x50Mw Garnet Laser Cannon

2. ECM

ca) EM Displacement Field

I. Reactor

1. 4xMicro Fussion Reactor (Lvl 5)

2. Dense Matter Reactor-Jump Drive Only (Lvl 2)

J. Consumables

1. Micro Fission Reactor (30,000 hrs)

2. Dense Matter Reactor-12 Jumps

3. Life Support: (3,008 hrs)

K. Cargo Space

1. 1000 liters

L. Computer Rating: Modular (Lvl 10)

M. Hull

1. IDF (Lvl 3)

N. Atmospheric Flight: NA

O. Interstellar Drive: D-Jump Drive

P. Sublight Drive: Ion Drive

1. Acceleration (Lvl 5)

2. Maneuverability (Lvl 1)

Q. Airlock: Yes

R. Secondary Power System

1. Deployable Solar Sail

2. Battery

S. The Echo was designed to provide the Dynastic Navy with a courier ship that could function like the Nice or the Peoria, but with more of emphasis on military observation and communication. The Echo is intended to jump into a system, transmit a data package or take some sensor readings and jump out. The laser cannon serves more as active sensor beam than an actual weapon in that military scouts will use it to light up curious looking masses. I found it interesting that the Dynasty chose to go with a manned ship rather an autonomous intelligent ship. Perhaps they thought it was cheaper. The modular computer systems are quite powerful, as one would expect in a ship required to process and communicate yottabytes of information, and is also required to interpret the reading from a Dark Matter Monitor. Despite the presence of the powerful computers, the lack of the AI still means that interpretation of the data is still a pilots judgement call. -G.G. Nubb

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axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-01 11:47 PM

II. BLADE-9987(8) (Origin)

A. Purpose: Scout/Skirmisher

B. Design Type: Convential Aeronautical

C. Faction: Dynastic Interests

D. Crew Requirement: 1

E. Life Support: Internal-Standard-Sustaining-Cyrogenic

F. Communications

1. Standard EM Transmitter and Receiver

G. Sensors

1. Passive EM

2. Neutrino Sink

3. Gravity Barometer

4. Magnetic Field Tracker

5. Passive Tachyon

6. Active Tachyon

7. Telephoto (Whisker Drones)

H. Armament

1. 1x120 Mw Radon Laser Cannon (Commerical Version Only)

2. 1xFocused Magnetic Field Generator

3. Standard Missile Tube

4. 1xParticle Accelertor Cannon (Military Version Only)

I. Reactor: Matter Convertor (Lvl 3)

J. Consumables

1. Fuel: 10,000 hours

2. Life Support: 40,001 hours

K. Cargo Space; 8,000 Liters

L. Computer Rating: System Wide (Lvl 9-commerical)/ A.I. (Lvl 4-military)

M. Hull: IDF (Lvl 5)

N. Atmospheric Flight: Mass Driver

1. Acceleration: Lvl 2

2. Maneuverability: Lvl 1

O. Interstellar Drive: D-Jump Drive

P. Sublight Drive: Mass Driver

1. Acceleration: Lvl 3

2. Maneuverability: Lvl 2

Q. Airlock: Yes

R. Secondary Power System:

1. Deployable Solar Sail

2. External catalytic reactor

S. This boxy fixed wing craft manages to look both vaguely aerodynamic and largely cetacean. This was the brainchild of the post-war Dynastic Corporations that wanted to compete with the FTO monopoly on consumer spacecraft. Depending on which marketing campaign you encountered it was either called the Blade or the Origin. I considered making this two entries because there is a military version, but the differences are minor. This is the smallest ship to have a D-Jump Drive (which can be powered by the Solar Sail if you patient or by catalyzing a large asteroid or small planetoid if you don’t mind breaking a few Union or FTO laws). Owners remark that the ship is rather comfortable, it has a roomy cabin in addition to the cockpit, a comfortable cryo-chair in case you need it and in the military version an A.I. I am told is an affable, loyal and a competent navigator. Apparently, the craft handles like a winged brick in atmosphere, particularly since she lacks a view port and must be piloted sensors only. Still she is popular among members of Scouting Guilds.-G.G. Nubb

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axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-01 11:50 PM

III. CLUP-88291.1 (Flying Squirrelly)

A. Purpose: Ground Support

B. Design Type: Single Pod

C. Faction: Dynastic Army

D. Crew Requirement: NA

E. Passenger Space: NA

F. Life Support: NA

G. Communications

1. Standard EM Transmitter and Receiver

2. Neutrino Uplink Beam

H. Sensors

1. Telephoto

2. Passive EM

3. Active EM

4. Gravity Barometer

5. Passive Tachyon

6. Radar

7. Sonar

8. Magnetic Field Tracker

I. Armament

1. Mass Driver Cannon

2. 1.21 Gigawatt Hydrogen Laser Cannon

J. Reactor: 2x Micro Fusion Reactors (Lvl 5)

K. Consumables

1. Fuel: 1,900 hours

2. Life Support: NA

L. Cargo Space: Null

M. Computer Rating: A.I. Lvl 2

N. Hull:

1. IDF Lvl 8

2. Reflec Armor: Lvl 5

O. Atmospheric Flight: Anti-gravity drive

1. Acceleration: Lvl 3

2. Maneuverability: Lvl 3

P. Interstellar Drive: NO

Q. Sub-light Drive: Ion Drive

1. Acceleration Lvl: 2

2. Maneuverability Lvl:1

R. Airlock: No

S. Secondary Power System: Battery

T. The CLUP is the standard dynastic garrison drone modified with an autonomous AI. Unlike most AIs, the CLUP’s AI relies heavily on a prewritten protocols, and as a result the CLUP’s flight patterns are easily predicted by other AIs or observant organic strategists. The CLUP also has a redundant learning profile, which means that the CLUP seeks to verify stimulus multiple times prior to accepting the input as true. This makes the CLUP less prone to error but also slower to act when compared with most military A.I.s. The CLUP has several tactical limitations, most notably it cannot break an orbit of even a 0.25 standard gravity well with its endemic engine configuration. Not equipped for ship to ship combat CLUPs with either stay in high orbit and support ground actions with the powerful laser cannon or be transported off world by a cargo skiff or as cargo in a larger ship. The second limitation is that the CLUP is underpowered, the laser cannon relies on a capacitor, and thus has a low rate of fire. Additionally due energy constraints the Passive Tachyon sensor array cannot be used in conjunction with the anti-gravity drive. Greater than 90% of the AI constructs and designers responding to the survey judged the CLUP as adequate for tasks involving basic surveillance and ground support. The active pilots and veterans who interacted with CLUP in combat situations judged it poorly, ranking it last in most categories save hull. -Tangent

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axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-01 11:53 PM

IV. Cornonis-7 (Dragon’s Dart)

A. Purpose: Space Superiority Fighter

B. Design Type: Missile

C. Crew Requirement: 1?

D. Life Support: Internal ?

E. Communications

1. Microwave Transmitter and Reciever

F. Sensors

1. Active EM

2. Passive EM (assumed based on the presence of an active EM)

G. Armament

1. 1x 40 Mw Laser Cannon

2. 1x Ion Cannon

3. 2x Mass Driver Gatling Gun

H. Reactor: Anti-Matter?

I. Consumables

1. Fuel: 13+hrs

2. Life Support: 13+hrs

J. Cargo Space: ?

K. Computer Rating: ?

L. Hull:

1. Conventional: Lvl 6

M. Atmospheric Flight: Mass Driver

1. Acceleration: Lvl 3

2. Manuverablity: Lvl 2

N. Intrastellar Drive: NA?

O. Sublight Drive: Mass Driver

1. Acceleration (Lvl 5)

2. Maneuverability (Lvl 3)

P. Airlock: ?

Q. Secondary Power System:?

R. These rocket ship style fighters are the ever present escorts and sentries of the Crononis shipyards. Not much is known about these ships however, none of the survey responders have every repair or flown one of these craft. But a significant number of the respondants have had hostile encounters with the ships and they certainly live large in the minds of the Outer Arm populations. -G.G. Nubb

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axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-01 11:55 PM

V. EPROM-000212 (Watchmen)

A. Purpose: Ground Support

B. Design Type: Trapezoidal

C. Crew Requirement: NA

D. Life Support: Internal-Standard-Sustaining

E. Communications

1. Standard EM Transmitter and Receiver

2. Two-way neutrino beam up link system

F. Sensors

1. Radar

2. Sonar

3. Wide Band Passive EM

4. Gravity Barometer

5. Neutrino Sink

6. Telephoto

7. Magnetic Field Tracker

G. Armament

1. 4x 120 Mw Radon Laser Cannons (4xturrerts)

2. 4x Razor Beam Quantum Particle Accelerator Cannons (4x Turrets)

3. 2x Standard Missile Tubes

H. Reactor

1. Matter Converter Reactor (Lvl 9)

I. Consumables

1. Fuel: 96 Hours (matter uptake system)

2. Life Support: 120 hrs

J. Cargo Space

1. Life Support Cabins: 800,000 Liters

2. Unsupported Cabins: 400,000 Liters

K. Computer Rating: A.I. Lvl (6)

L. Hull

1. Forced Key (Lvl 8)

M. Atmospheric Flight: Anti-Gravity Drive

1. Acceleration (Lvl 4)

2. Maneuverability (Lvl 6)

N. Interstellar Drive: D-Jump Drive

O. Sublight Drive: Ion Drive

1. Acceleration (Lvl 3)

2. Maneuverability (Lvl 1)

P. Airlock: Yes

Q. Secondary Power System:

1. Micro Fusion Reactor (Lvl 5)

2. Deployable Solar Sail

R. The Watchmen was and still is the principle fighting vehicle of the Dynastic Army, the forgotten older brother of the Dynasty’s interstellar navy. After the Dynasty’s front line units, the navy and their marines, over power the organized or standard military of a planet then the Army will come to act a garrison. The Army's primary platform for protecting the Dynasty's colonists, scientists and entrepreneurs is the Watchmen craft. The Watchmen looks a floating Mayan pyramid without a stair case and with a rounded bottom. I can still see the grey hull shimmering with the Forced Key Field as they floated above cities and tree lines. I feel like I know everything about the Watchmen, they carried 40 alliance troopers: 26 infantry men, 4 mecha pilots, 4 Drone conductors, 2 Computer Programers, 1 Medic, 1 Dynastic Intellectual, and 2 command officers. The Watchmen also carries all the supporting ordinance and equipment for these individuals.

The trick to taking a Watchmen down was to keep on eye on her and wait till she ran low on fuel, then try and pull away her drones and her support units. Next hit her hard with plasma cannons or saturating fire from heavy matter drivers. The energy requirement for the Forced Key Generator would suck up her remaining fuel, and the back up reactor wasn’t strong enough to maintain it. The microfusion reactor can be used to fuse the Forced Key material leaving the Watchmen with essentially a crappy conventional weld. Thus, rendered by such attack she would try to retreat. The only way to know for sure that you had exhausted her fuel was when the Watchmen would start to out run the range of our plasma cannons. Once she was on the run we’d try and hit her with the laser cannons, assuming there were any of us left. If you crippled her the A.I.s would self-destruct but if there was an officer on board, it was fair bet you could could get one to surrender. The citizens of the Dynasty have never really come to terms with mortality. If you could salvage a Watchmen with even half her ordinance in tact you could keep the fight going on your planet for another year. -V.Y. Black

The Eprom-000212 is not equipped with a mass driver engine or other thrust system capable of breaking free of planetary gravity. The ion drive and the jump-D drive help the ship reach its location, but once committed to a planet a Eprom-000212 requires a loading Skiff or Tug to take it spaceside again. -Tangent

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