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31 years IRL(33 ish!) of my Mysantia Campaign
Articles  (Campaign)   (Game Mastering)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-04 01:20 AM


Yeah sorry about that, I was imaging some sort of Rolling Stone type memoir article that upon conclusion would leave me with a misty smile and slow agreeable head nod saying to myself "Damn, that is really how it was, I am not alone."

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31 years IRL(33 ish!) of my Mysantia Campaign
Articles  (Campaign)   (Game Mastering)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-08 09:23 AM
I would like to hear more about the Ryan Haines episode. Not so much about his lifestyle but how he changed the game for you. Go to Comment
31 years IRL(33 ish!) of my Mysantia Campaign
Articles  (Campaign)   (Game Mastering)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-07 09:19 PM


While this may not be as polished (or dare I say self-important) as some other subs. It has heart! Or truth! Or perhaps it has the type of self aware sincerity you find in high school year books. At the end the day we couldn't honestly say the year book staff was doing it for the school, cause us kids in gen-pop could care less. It was all about the yearbook, and the Yearbook (putting all the pictures together, making pages for each group) was a justification in and of itself.

And though the year book was small in a scope, short on originality and put together by wildly over confident amateurs I would wager it held more personal weught for its publishers than the last issue of playboy or the new yorker did their own. It had sincerity.



So there are few things as tender or as sincere as well done year book. So I salute this post.....*sniff*



Because this is about gaming, and damn it I gamed.



Because the way Aramax puts it is how it was man, that is really how it was.

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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 10
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-09 09:46 AM
Also, does this Temujin want to become a mass murdering warlord? Does Botari want him to become the great Kahn? I guess I will have to wait and see! Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 10
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-08 11:28 PM
Well I am on board, I think you really hit your stride in these last two chapters (they are really too short to call chapters) Over the last two chapters we are still having trouble with timing and physical descriptions of space. But you have also together a very cool and well told arc. First you tell us the enemy has made an alliance with the wizards and that is bad. Then that put everything else that happens under the shadow of that threat. Next you drop the transdimensional Botari on us, neat, I didn't see it coming and it adds a whole new dimension to this work.

One thing you can't shy away from is the romance. Temjun has just lost his wife here, he doesn't know it, but the mind of the girl he loved has been replaced with another mind. She may be a very similar person but she has a lifetime of experience he does not. Will she love her 15 year old husband like she loved her husband in the other dimension? Will they form a connection as equals? This is really interesting stuff.


(I know you take votes very very seriously and are really into the game of the Citadel and all that. But I not really interested into that stuff, I am interested in whether you wrote something I respect, did you have a good idea, and did you develop that idea well.) Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 9
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-08 10:46 PM
"The seven stars forming the Temul’s Tail took turns peeking out from behind the thin gauze that separated the Heavenly realm from the mortal one. The Crunalan Steppe hummed with a soft note that vibrated in the hearts of not just the Ankalis but all Crunalans who live on its vastness."

What happened here? Did everyone just see the sunset and the stars come out have an "I love you man moment?" Or was there really something supernatural at work?

Also I think the term "Tune Out" does not fit with this setting. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 9
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-08 10:58 PM
Wow,

I am not sure who I feel about it, but this story just took a surprise turn! But for better or worse the turn brought me into the story. Instead reviewing the story so that certain aspects could be changed or reworked to better tell the story, I was just hanging try to figure out what was going.

The narrative choices you made to through out everything that happened thus far weave in history again is a unique one. It is tough to take everything your reader may have been invested in and put in the "just a dream" box. Again not sure if it is good move or bad move, but it was an interesting move. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 9
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-08 11:29 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
Dream Tank
Locations  (Other)   (CyberSpace)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-29 03:39 PM


another niche filled and the write up made me snicker a few times



"Seriously, who designs these things, and do they have no idea of personal safety???"


Funny







I will assimilate this rebranding of the troupe and apply it to future cosmic era works

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Dream Tank
Locations  (Other)   (CyberSpace)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-29 03:44 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-05 09:10 PM
I like that you book end with the Bridetest and the descriptions of the sparring are fun and easy to read. But again you don't surprise us with the character's as they spar. I think your prose here is strong, but your scenes are so short that indirectness of your style makes it difficult to put the scene together. By the time you have got it, the scene is over. I would say if you are going to write very short scenes like this be very demonstrative (like writing an abstract) and for most part you are in this case.

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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-05 09:10 PM
I like that you book end with the Bridetest and the descriptions of the sparring are fun and easy to read. But again you don't surprise us with the character's as they spar. I think your prose here is strong, but your scenes are so short that indirectness of your style makes it difficult to put the scene together. By the time you have got it, the scene is over. I would say if you are going to write very short scenes like this be very demonstrative (like writing an abstract) and for most part you are in this case.

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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-05 08:36 PM
Section 2:

I have no idea what is going on here or who these people are. I suppose Ogul and Sorai are other children. I suppose we will find out later why Chagan's arms feel like mud and what it is her elder sister did. All we know now is there are five siblings. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-05 09:11 PM
I like that you book end with the Bridetest and the descriptions of the sparring are fun and easy to read. But again you don't surprise us with the character's as they spar. I think your prose here is strong, but your scenes are so short that indirectness of your style makes it difficult to put the scene together. By the time you have got it, the scene is over. I would say if you are going to write very short scenes like this be very demonstrative (like writing an abstract) and for most part you are in this case. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-05 11:50 PM
You prose is much more impressionistic than objective or literal. It is not unlike an epic poem, we have a poor sense of time, but we get the broad strokes of it. Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-06 05:03 PM
What I meant by surprise is that two characters spar exactly as we would expect them to spar based on earlier descriptions of their personalities.


I have an idea...... Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-06 11:14 PM
Totally forgot said idea....stupid ellipses Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 8
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-01-05 08:28 PM
Section 1: I really like the non-verbal discussion going on in this section. That is cool. But you could do us favor and work in reminders of who each of these people are. We are still not very far into the book and these people have not done much to make them stand out. Also, this is happening before the events of the previous chapter? Go to Comment
The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 7
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-30 07:00 PM
Writing thoughts


What does this mean

"A golden wave washed over The Ctofalir and the vast plain of the Mistflowers growing to its north, thinning out into gauze-thin shards that swam and swirled once it entered the misty domain. "

Are you describing the sunset here, as you describing the sunsetting or a single moment of the sunset. Are mistflowers literal flowers or just mist rising off the ground? What is the thinning out into gauze-thin shards?

Are you going to come back to the conversation in the ger between the main characters at some point or just going to let that hang?
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The Return of the White Deer- Chapter 7
Articles  (Fiction)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-12-30 09:24 PM

Skip to chapter 10. And you can't call this plot driven because jump from plot to plot. I don't what you mean by plot. If there is a plot get to it. The characters will come through with the plot.

I think these first 9 chapters will be important for you, as the writer to have in your pocket as backstory. I don't think you have wasted any effort here because you need to have the events that happen prior to the page nailed down, but I would leave them out of the consumer portion of the story. Go to Comment
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