Strolen\s Citadel content. 
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Campaign Defining)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-11-09 05:45 PM
This is so very close to being a great post and item. For all the flowery writing-it is nicely written- it comes out to nothing more than a powerful weapon that destroys its user-which is not an originial idea and most DMs will put into their campaign anyway. This entry doesn't give quite enough to make me want this to be that item in my campaign. Punch up the detail on the object and the experince of using it, but keep the obscureness regarding its role in the world and its past. Or bring in some more aspects to make this a unique item. Go to Comment
Lifeforms  (Unique)   (Water)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-11-11 09:02 AM
I am going to go with Moonlake in that this is a solid idea and it is useable-plus I liked it. it is reasonably unique-the evil oil slick has been done-but combined with your post about it origins, I think this is something I may use.

Nice Go to Comment
The Goblin Brotherhood
Society/ Organizations  (Criminal/Espionage)   (Country/ State)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-11-09 05:52 PM
This has a lot in common with your order of the lost sub Go to Comment
Orcs of Kuramen
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Any)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-11-09 05:48 PM
Good solid idea and an accessible post. Go to Comment
The Ecto-Burner
Items  (Ranged Weapons)   (Combat)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-10-30 04:04 PM
Checka is right, it does have a strong "Ghostbusters" feel to it, the negative Ecto-Weapon to the Ghostbuster positive ecto weapon.

But this is a really fun read and the pose is chunky, overly complex, clever and enjoyable to digest. \

Really very good. Go to Comment
The Earthen Titans of the White Sky Mountains
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Mountains)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-10-27 03:35 PM
Is it just me or is that a tiny font? Go to Comment
The Earthen Titans of the White Sky Mountains
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Mountains)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-10-27 07:41 PM
Some suggestions:

Don't be afraid to break the forth wall a bit, perhaps at the end of the post, to give us gamemaster perspective or some plot hooks. But it is fine without those, but I think game use or plot hook sections would add a different dimension to this piece.

The second to last paragraph in the Appearance and Behavior section could use a rewrite.

But on the whole I really like it. It hints at something larger and has an interesting atmosphere.
Go to Comment
Imp Fire
Plots  (Mystical)   (Single-Storyline)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-10-22 12:58 PM
"In an effort to satisfy this ambiguous desire he will begin seeking out the activities he enjoyed previously and, though they bring him no happiness now, take them to extremes. He may drink incredible amounts, light things on fire, seek the company of lewd women, or pick fights in back alleys." Thus assume his pleasures were women, drink, violence or flame. I can imagine a more chilling reality....

The victim starts writing an esoteric chrome and setting heavy RPG campaign and then forces all his friends to play it, and whats worse that due to Imp Fire he will be totally disgusted with the way everyone plays and how they keep ruining his campaign and talking during his descriptions of fungus, temples or an NPC's clothing. Are you sure this isn't a real thing.

I think this is a solid idea as MJS says but I think the sub is badly put together and just a long ramble of ideas.

The descriptions of possible cures are not necessary, they take up to much space, they are unorganized and that would really be up to the GM anyway. The description of the disease seems to jump around a bit, discussing how a man with Imp Fire leaves a village in flame but not so much how, but later we may infer it is because his touch set things on fire. Is it because his personality becomes that of a fire, he consumes things and moves on? Does he also take the path of least resistance?

And should this really be called a plot? Go to Comment
Imp Fire
Plots  (Mystical)   (Single-Storyline)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-10-24 11:42 PM
You could make this into a plot, but if you want of focus on the nature of the curse, than I would call this an item. Spells, diseases, and things metaphysical (if not material) I think can safely go into the item box. Go to Comment
Chapter 6: The Sabatallee
Society/ Organizations  (Ethnic/Cultural)   (Country/ State)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-10-25 12:46 PM
I have tried to make some changes, but I would love to get some edits if you have the time. Go to Comment
Wave Spirits
Lifeforms  (Ethereal)   (Water)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-10-22 09:17 PM
a nice idea poorly executed Go to Comment
Order of the Lost
Society/ Organizations  (Combative)   (Area)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-10-22 09:35 PM
Erf brings up some good points, and I think the piece could be tightened up a bit.

Paragraphs 4,5,6 are unnecessary, I know that they give examples of the type of battle tactics the Order of the Lost but they are full all the wrong details and they lack any dramatic form or colorful imagery. (A bunch of Knights walking out naked is kind of funny, but without large context it falls flat).

I like this idea a lot thanks, but as you have it now it is little more than a pub idea.
Things I think that would make this a useful post, I don't think all are necessary but you could develop along one these routes

A) A solid look at the logistics of this order, how do they eat, what are their numbers, whats the order of battle, who is in charge and what are they good at-GMs may want to adapt many things are their own but if you can do the grunt work of logistics, I think most GMs find that helpful and you can tell a lot about people by looking at their spending habits.

B) Day to day life in the order

C) What would my first day in the order be like?

D) Subplots, how do tough fighting peasants mix with Usurped Kings, fallen Paladins and Ronin?

E) Chrome details, what does the castle look like, what do these 1000 men look like crossing a battle field, other than Black shields in Mountain passes we go nothing. Go to Comment
The Bagabond
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Swamp)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-10-22 12:48 PM
This is excellent and useful and it goes a long way to imposing subtle mysticism to the swamps, much in the way such feelings of personification and humbling complexity are actually felt. I really like the chance you took with the "wonderful vagueness", as others have said good speculative fiction works as springboard for the reader's idea not as a complete story. I think that is really true for RPG directed writing.

Nice stuff Go to Comment
Lance of Hades
Items  (Ranged Weapons)   (Combat)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-10-13 12:06 PM

A new package for greek fire, I have never read of use for it beyond the byzantine fire ships.

This stands apart because it has solid and accessable prose under it. Go to Comment
Passion Purge
Items  (Potion)   (Cursed)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-10-12 09:23 PM
This is an excellent idea and I enjoy the flippant tone of the piece. These sorts of narrative devices have a long tradition in the old morality tales of the middleages and the disturbing fables used to scare children into obeidence. The game uses of these are endless.

A PC could ingest this and then have the challenge of not overeacting to things. The Passion Purge could be a very useful hammer for the GM who wants to force a player to explore a different emotion or a character they want to blow up.

The PCs could have to escort a person of importance (or royal child if you are feeling very dark that day) who has a tendcey towards indignation. The villians could then find a way to get Mr. McGuffin to ingest the Passion Purge. Now the PCs have to keep him safe and calm.

The placebo effect of this thing is also something that could be explored with a light hand. Passion purge could be used to expose the realtive shallowness of activists. The so called burning hearts could be fed an exiler very much like passion purge and once they believe they have ingested the passion purge they simply shrug off the cause of the endangered flame fowl or the Holy Firestick registration act.

Finally there is a suicide bomber angle, which is perhaps best left unexplored. But a fatalistic army could ingest the passion purge before entering battle and then, god's willing, hold back their rage until the enemy is upon them. It would also make the army easier to manage until the time of battle, assuming your seargents were easy with the lash.

I do feel that the use of this is limited to historical fantasy setting. The item could not be used in any setting that has an internet or similar system. The surest way to destory a city would be spike the water system and give everybody free internet. The conflictual attitudes, the superserious logic, cultural narrowness and the anomyous arrogance of chat rooms, message boards and massive multiplayer games would no doubt boil the blood all those on the PP.

This is an excellent submission regardless of how many you have submitted before. Go to Comment
Flame Fowl
Lifeforms  (Third Kingdom)   (Any)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-10-12 03:21 PM
So I take it they behave like domesticated chickens?

But what is your take on the metaphysics of the extra planar beings. When on the "Normal" plain they appear to have had their elemental status diluted over time. Is this because of interbreeding with "normal" birds or is it because over time the mystical essence that characterizes extra planar being fades the longer they are away from their home plain?

Either answer could a be springboard for further investigations into planar crosstalk. (something I find roleplayers to be overly interested in) Go to Comment
Fire Flies
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Forest/ Jungle)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-10-10 07:31 PM

I would have started with much more basic lead in, that explains you are not talking about the bioluminscent firefly (even though the reader already makes that assumption due to the context of the website). Go to Comment
Prometheus Amulet
Items  (Armor)   (Non-Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-10-10 12:13 AM
A room of veteran sci-fi roleplayers would have a field day with this one, but I think it is well written.

Questions: What does it do with the heat it absorbs? Does it shunt it else where? Does it store the energy? You suggest that it operates using external radiation as its power source. How much ambient energy is necessary to keep this thing running. It you walk into a dark 57 degree room with this thing on would it start lowering the temperature of the room so it can maintain its 66 degree goal.

It blocks radiation, does visible light get in?

Can you set it to admit certain wavelenths?

Would this be vunerablity? You could fry somebody with microwaves even though they are completely immune to UV.

This brings up another point, you state that it slows the speed of molecules coming through the field. In the vaccum of space energy is only moving in wavelenghts, it has no physical medium (the neutrino argument aside). Thus if this thing only slows down kinetic molecular energy (heat) then it would not protect a spaceship close to the sun.

Temperature is not good measurement of heat, you may want to discuss this in calories. Also Amps, Watts, Rads, centigreys would be better measurements of heat. The change in temperature of matter depends on its specific heat as much as it does the amount of energy it is exposed to at the moment.

Also this field, which strip things of their heat, would have effects such as condensation and sublimation when dealing with matter in different states. Wearing this field and running through Atlanta Georgia on April afternoon would cause it to "rain inside the field", further more if as you say, matter can pass through it, then plasma would pass right through. Depending on what types of atoms the plasma contains, this would be a dramatic freezing or condensation of material.

A field which can extract heat energy from matter would grant its users god like power. You could power a sea going vessel by moving sea water through this field, changing it temperature just 4 degrees and using the released heat to power the ships motor.

In a game world with stable physical laws, that are similar to the ones in our universe, this item would never work. Go to Comment
Prometheus Amulet
Items  (Armor)   (Non-Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2015-02-04 05:14 PM

Re-read it and re-voted.

Go to Comment
Grand Pyre of the Phoenix
Locations  (Other)   (Mountains)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-10-08 07:51 PM
It is with great respect for the authors other submissions that I say this could use some work. I think I get the concept of temple and its various supernatural aspect just fine, but the submission lacks detail in both its descriptions and its narrative and the sentence structures leave something to be desired.

"In the mortal plane, the Grand Pyre of the Phoenix appears as a great flame upon the top of a rugged, jungle mountain, its vast purple flame laughing and leaping in place towards the sky from the ground, its great heat unapproachable, despite the lack of smoke." This sentence for example contains a lot of interesting information but it is jumbled together lacks a sense of perspective. How large is the flame? It isn't steady, it flickers waviers, leaps and laughs, so it is it like a series of little explosions? It would be nice if we got a sense of what it was like to look at the flame from various positions, you employ hyperpole and anthropormophic descriptions but they lack points of reference. There are other points as wells but in general I think the sentence are trying to convey to much at once and are so uneven in their treatment of the topics as to leave us with an incomplete description.

I like the idea of the flame and the temple, and as concept it works well, but because you mix a lot of specific detail in with the descriptions I believe you were shooting for something more than just a concept. I would suggest rewriting the piece either as a concept piece (a "how to build you own Grand Pyre" piece) or rewrite it as a description of a specific temple which you have in mind.

No vote yet. Go to Comment
Total Comments:

Join Now!!

       By: Michael Jotne Slayer

A legend tells of a people living deep in the desert, they appear at first as ordinary human beings, sometimes impersonating someone familiar to the PCs, before causing their features to disappear, leaving a blank, smooth sheet of skin where their face should be.

Encounter  ( Desert ) | February 15, 2011 | View | UpVote 5xp