I love this idea. I am going to stand with Redgre with my love for "typical fantasy items". I also think you have a believeable phenotype which would fit most gamers understanding of evolution, and as suggested they would be fun to throw at Ogres.
Is there a fantasy flora codex, you could stick this in there with the flamesilk and other interesting world flavors?
This is good idea, but its not a character. It is part character, part plot and an lot of chrome.
I think the style in which it is written communicated the flippant and shallow tone you wanted to convey, and in that since it is success. You also convey the imagery involved with your character in a very successful manner.
But you give us no since of the character is and maybe that is intentional. Maybe the character doesn't have a much personalty outside of his personal style, but you can convey that in a more subtle manner. For example you could discuss all the time he spends, trying on pants, the way his method for removing his glasses after a entering room speaks more to how he looks in the room than to what he looks at in the room.
Also, if somebody is truly a cool dude, you don't need to tell anybody that, it should just be evident. Unless you were being ironic, which was not evident.
Maybe we need to some discussion about how this text is realized in the world? It is written on walls and memorized, but by who? How is the text interpreteted? If you want to keep it open ended and don't want to give it a more "generic" utility you could give several examples of how it has been used in your game or in the world you designed it for. Go to Comment
I read the linked subs regarding this post, and they are very promising and peak my interest even more. I like the ideas behind the world. I recognize that it is a formible formating issues to make all those concepts that you have developed for your world into intresting stand alone posts. Good luck. Go to Comment
I usually shy away from "Cute magic" and in my opinion extra dimensional space is deal changer in all games, but this is fantastic. In my younger gaming days, things like this were the end all of be all of the fantasy setting. I like the plot attached, the mechanics of the item and the presentation is wonderful. Really a useable submission well put together and with fun tone to the piece. Go to Comment
This is so very close to being a great post and item. For all the flowery writing-it is nicely written- it comes out to nothing more than a powerful weapon that destroys its user-which is not an originial idea and most DMs will put into their campaign anyway. This entry doesn't give quite enough to make me want this to be that item in my campaign. Punch up the detail on the object and the experince of using it, but keep the obscureness regarding its role in the world and its past. Or bring in some more aspects to make this a unique item. Go to Comment
I am going to go with Moonlake in that this is a solid idea and it is useable-plus I liked it. it is reasonably unique-the evil oil slick has been done-but combined with your post about it origins, I think this is something I may use.
Don't be afraid to break the forth wall a bit, perhaps at the end of the post, to give us gamemaster perspective or some plot hooks. But it is fine without those, but I think game use or plot hook sections would add a different dimension to this piece.
The second to last paragraph in the Appearance and Behavior section could use a rewrite.
But on the whole I really like it. It hints at something larger and has an interesting atmosphere. Go to Comment
"In an effort to satisfy this ambiguous desire he will begin seeking out the activities he enjoyed previously and, though they bring him no happiness now, take them to extremes. He may drink incredible amounts, light things on fire, seek the company of lewd women, or pick fights in back alleys." Thus assume his pleasures were women, drink, violence or flame. I can imagine a more chilling reality....
The victim starts writing an esoteric chrome and setting heavy RPG campaign and then forces all his friends to play it, and whats worse that due to Imp Fire he will be totally disgusted with the way everyone plays and how they keep ruining his campaign and talking during his descriptions of fungus, temples or an NPC's clothing. Are you sure this isn't a real thing.
I think this is a solid idea as MJS says but I think the sub is badly put together and just a long ramble of ideas.
The descriptions of possible cures are not necessary, they take up to much space, they are unorganized and that would really be up to the GM anyway. The description of the disease seems to jump around a bit, discussing how a man with Imp Fire leaves a village in flame but not so much how, but later we may infer it is because his touch set things on fire. Is it because his personality becomes that of a fire, he consumes things and moves on? Does he also take the path of least resistance?
You could make this into a plot, but if you want of focus on the nature of the curse, than I would call this an item. Spells, diseases, and things metaphysical (if not material) I think can safely go into the item box. Go to Comment
Erf brings up some good points, and I think the piece could be tightened up a bit.
Paragraphs 4,5,6 are unnecessary, I know that they give examples of the type of battle tactics the Order of the Lost but they are full all the wrong details and they lack any dramatic form or colorful imagery. (A bunch of Knights walking out naked is kind of funny, but without large context it falls flat).
I like this idea a lot thanks, but as you have it now it is little more than a pub idea.
Things I think that would make this a useful post, I don't think all are necessary but you could develop along one these routes
A) A solid look at the logistics of this order, how do they eat, what are their numbers, whats the order of battle, who is in charge and what are they good at-GMs may want to adapt many things are their own but if you can do the grunt work of logistics, I think most GMs find that helpful and you can tell a lot about people by looking at their spending habits.
B) Day to day life in the order
C) What would my first day in the order be like?
D) Subplots, how do tough fighting peasants mix with Usurped Kings, fallen Paladins and Ronin?
E) Chrome details, what does the castle look like, what do these 1000 men look like crossing a battle field, other than Black shields in Mountain passes we go nothing. Go to Comment
What a narrow street! The bowed windows of the upper floors encroach on the view of the bowed windows opposite, making it all very dark and shady down here in your carriage. You feel it slow down and stop, and there are raised voices outside. Craning your neck out of the door you see a smug cartsman ahead, whose cart is blocking just enough of the narrow street to make your passage impossible. He appears to be waiting for you to move, but your driver is hurling abuse at him and your horses are getting restless...