Strolen\s Citadel content. 
The Bosques
Society/ Organizations  (Ethnic/Cultural)   (Area)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-12-09 09:10 PM
I think this is good candidate for your hundred word treatment. I also think you would get further at communicating the nature of these people you envisioned if you used the same number of words to write a short story about an encounter with the Bosques. I have to assume that you imagined more to these people then what is listed. They are a nice enough idea, but it lacks any real imagery or transporting detail.

The first paragraph list a bunch of facts, but has no hook. I will follow the link, but still just a bunch of facts that suggest a larger world. This is a plus I find, in that it gives the post the feel of in an game write up or an in world voice. So that is nice.

The second paragraph I think should be switched with the third paragraph. It would explain why they had no magic and it would assert that the culture came before the location. If you want to assert some other relationship between the culture and the location than you should do so.

The second half of the third paragraph should be its own paragraph as it is making an additional point. You then state that Bosques have a "stoic discipline". So I guess that being named after a lazy meandering river was undeserved and that this stoic discipline does not extend to vivacious swooning women.

The rest of the information is also rather sparse, if this was part of a list of cultures, than perhaps that would justify its brevity. Go to Comment
The creatures of Thanethia.
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Other)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-06-11 10:48 PM
It is just simple list, but a good one. I agree with Moon, this seems more like an out line or notes on subs to write. Go to Comment
The Leviathan Pool
Locations  (Area)   (Water)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-11-09 06:34 PM
a nice and original piece of scenery Go to Comment
Simeon the Caretaker
NPCs  (Minor)   (Domestic/ Craft)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-04-13 12:59 PM
The roleplaying notes add quite a bit to it. This man could slip in anywhere. Go to Comment
Buzzards Bay
Locations  (City)   (Any)
axlerowes's comment on 2011-01-31 08:45 PM
Nice, it is as good a backstory for a wretched hive of scum and villainy that I have ever read. I like the focus on economic forces. Go to Comment
Rod of Age Switching.
Items  (Wand/Staff/ Arcane)   (Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-06-11 10:58 PM
I like the flippant tone and the physical description of the item. The tone adds an often subtle nature of evil, an example of the banality of evil. A smart write up to a very simple item. Go to Comment
The Azure Comet Mercenary Guild
Society/ Organizations  (Mystical)   (Regional)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-11-01 12:36 PM
What scras said. Go to Comment
The Knights of Mercy and Grace
Society/ Organizations  (Combative)   (Country/ State)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-02-05 01:55 PM


God damn this is good. Yet even now though I can still see the gaps that AG was critizing back in 06.  For example what is Bahara’hara’raha or was the Queen actually undead?  At any rate, I don't think those need be weakness, I think great RPG fiction is a jumping of point of the readers ideas.  Great world building hints at depth and back story.  This does that so well, it makes me want to play and write. 



I really can't say enough good things about it.  


Go to Comment
Captain Wandern
NPCs  (Minor)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-13 11:52 AM
This was a quick toss off, well written and cute, and I was drawn into the character immediately. But then he never showed up.

It is okay for a minor character,
but most GMs already have shatner in their pockets. A few magic items and a barebone catalog of military service are not very enlightening points nor are they great launch pads for in character roleplaying. Go to Comment
Ma-O the Water Deamon
NPCs  (Major)   (Religious)
axlerowes's comment on 2009-09-30 01:44 PM
The best ideas would can offer a fellow roleplayer are the ideas that will be spring boards for ideas and concepts that will be fully realized by somewhere else and/or adapted to expand an exisiting work of fiction...such as the game world. Ma-O is a wonderful concept. Go to Comment
Powlgraff
Locations  (City)   (Plains)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-02-13 09:13 AM


I would enjoy this idea regardless, it is fun one, what I love here is the travel log approach to it.  Thus type of write up focuses on players interactions with the setting, and thus make the setting more accessable and something the player would like to visit.  



 



Plot Idea:  A young thief, brash creative and lucky he may be, but he is not smart, talented or careful. He has, amazingly stolen the hen that lays golden eggs from a Fae queen.  Born in Vandergraff he thought what better place to hide the bird than Powlgraff. "I'll just tie white string about one of her feet so she is easy to find."  Then he goes about his buissness bragging and longing for the agents of the mytiscal queen to catch him so he can say "I don't have your bird, search me you will see, where could I hide a bird like that."  Ah..the hubris of youth.  Of course the Fae aren't fooled, and golden eggs are being found around the city and all of sudden their is an explosinon of activity.   



Ossidra didn't like the boy, but his uncle's den of thieves did pay their protection money monthly, and he may some potential if he could hiest the Fae queen's palace.  She best get him back.



Tourists are flocking (heh) to Powlgraff for the golden egg search, and the Duchess in thrilled.  She wants that chicken.  



With a Fae bird in their midst the chickens of Powlgraff begin to commune with the great oversoul of poultry.  A bird hive mind is emerging, with the Fae chicken as it lynch pin. (there is reason you don't you breed these birds unless you  are a Fae Queen and know how to handle these things.  Think The Birds with Chickens.



Finally the agents of the Fae want this bird back, they want the boys soul and they want to make sure what the boy learned about Fae Queen's palace in forgotten.  The Boy saw something he didn't understand or recognize, but it could mean a great deal of trouble for the entire realm if that information gets out.  The boy has a bomb he thinks is a toy. 

Go to Comment
Elbows Murphy
NPCs  (Minor)   (Criminal/Espionage)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-01-09 10:36 PM


You could do this in a 100 words.


Go to Comment
Elbows Murphy
NPCs  (Minor)   (Criminal/Espionage)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-01-10 10:57 AM
that is not true
Go to Comment
The Varok Fly
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Any)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-10 07:53 PM
Thick As Thieves
Plots  (Event)   (Single-Storyline)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-10-27 08:48 AM
There is a lot here. Go to Comment
Ritual Magic In Tyren
Systems  (Mystical)   (Specific)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-01-06 02:16 PM
Did it need its own post? Go to Comment
Kren, the Name of a Card
Systems  (Mystical)   (Defining)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-01-06 02:10 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
Blade Hands
Items  (Equipment Listing)   (Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2010-10-22 07:07 AM


Excellent post, I like worlds and ideas that have some practical use for magic. 

Go to Comment
Inn Ye' Go
Locations  (Establishment)   (Any)
axlerowes's comment on 2010-10-04 02:07 PM
Solid and complete Go to Comment
Sir Edmund Verney
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Criminal/Espionage)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-30 08:10 AM
Great character, and I like that this great mage of morality and duty is both evil and cursed by magic. The drama of this guy's blind spot or hypocrisy (depending on your perspective) is great. Great character.

I would have preferred few a more personality details and the prose is little stunted and blunt in the first few paragraphs. It reads like list not a story: He did this, he did this, he did this. Go to Comment
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