Strolen\s Citadel content. 
Tortoise Shell Tavern
Locations  (Fortification)   (Any)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-06-19 08:15 PM
This post starts with an immediately accessible ploy; we have a young girl afraid, lonely and so desperate for companionship that she "risks everything" to find it. In the next few lines we learn that companionship arrives in the form of a small turtle. The young girl immediately loves the turtle despite the old witches (who made our hero feel isolated and alone) heaping scorn up our young witch and her turtle. The story sets up a classical victory for tenderness and loyalty when the gentle, slow moving and deliberate nature of Heathen (the witch) and Sar's (the turtle) union develop into each other saving grace. The magic of their relationship prolongs Heathen's life and protects her from dragon's fire. Heathen in turn directs Sar growth from a turtle of no consequence to a majestic titan that carries with it beautiful palace of warm inviting dinning rooms and "arbors of rare trees, herb gardens, pools and streams of conjured waters". This a much greater triumph of love than the ending of Krull for example and it only took three paragraphs. Would that this post have only been about this…

Instead we are taken away from this vision, which is never truly realized, and subjected to numerous tangents that are also never developed about Lich scrolls and Dragonlords. There is talk of a scene in which Sar and Heathen are corned by "seven dragons", but this is painted as no more than a number and a right angle. Do we care so little for Sar and Heathen that the emotion of their impending demise should be ignored? Did the Dragons simply shrug their shoulders and head off to the pub when the child-like immortal and her tiny tortoise absorbed their hellfire? Things digress quickly at this point …

Dusty then brings in the faithless character Faith, who seems to have a gift for both non-linear problem solving and hubris (a great and classic combination for a villain). We aren't told how Faith and Heathen, know each other, we may assume they are both members of the shell coven but they might also be members of Allegorical Names Anonymous.
But Faith matters little cause she and Heathen are killed at the end of her paragraph by the plague Faith unleashes.

Then Sar dies of grief…which brings us to the tavern (WE HAVE A TITLE), the tavern is made of Sar's corpse, which is haunted by Sar's ghost, which moves the tavern around every full moon, but in the mean time Sar roaming haunted body is being used as a brothel, at least it was brothel until the werewolf showed up, which the pimp decided to remove from the brothel by conning a guy named Humblestaff (yup) into running the tavern. Go that?

There is a lovely story here and lot of ideas, sure somebody else could write up or use it in their game, but I can't critique that. I can't rewrite your story either, as much I want to, because it is your story. I can enjoy the ideas in your story though, so thank you for that, but I can't quite love this write up because it is not really about any of those great ideas. Rather it is more list of idea, but together without much love.

Welcome aboard! Go to Comment
30 Illuminati Minions
NPCs  (Major)   (Criminal/Espionage)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-04-29 08:32 PM

I have thought about this more...the list is pretty good as a list of NPCs at a breaking point, and they break for different reasons.  You could take this same list and use it as a list of souls to buy.  Your PCs could get a job as out sourced headhunters, they get  a list of people that have been ID'd as high risk or high value targets. They then have to go to work getting them sign away their souls.  


I think the format of the 30 actually hurts this one considerably as it relates to the Illuminate angle. . Why did you do this as a 30? Look at your entry for the general, it is more about the history than the man. Seriously why a 30?  The fun of reading conspiracy theory stuff is unraveling the elaborate conspiracy.   
I agree with Dossta.  But you got it done,
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30 Illuminati Minions
NPCs  (Major)   (Criminal/Espionage)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-04-29 08:32 PM
Only voted Go to Comment
30 Illuminati Minions
NPCs  (Major)   (Criminal/Espionage)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-04-29 09:00 PM
It is a good list, I like the characters. Have you used it in a game? Go to Comment
Magic System based on Fengshui
Systems  (Mystical)   (Historical)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-06-02 12:03 PM
First I love that you referenced your source material, would that more people followed your lead in that department when they post non-fiction works on things involving history or physics. Second this is great idea and it is well executed and it adds a depth to magic that is often sorely lacking. In canonical D&D (last time I checked...which was a long while ago) when one casts magic missile there was no explanation of the forces at work that allowed a universe to function that way.

There is an interesting Yin-Yang to this piece though. It is perfect and exciting as it is, but part of what makes it so interesting is that it demands more explanation and work. It could use a human narrative element and more discussion of how these concepts are used hands on. For example could you explain to me step by step how you envision somebody casting a Ren spell? What I like about this is that it takes something that is often treated fairly abstractly in gaming, casting, and grounds it in a metaphysical technology. But the information you present is still a lot of lists. I think placing this all into a single structured write up-either as write up for GM and players or an in world write up would aide in organizing your thoughts.

Overall-i love it-5/5. Go to Comment
Vartanadel
Locations  (Country/ State)   (Any)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-06-14 05:12 PM
I am a big fan of Vartanadel, perhaps its biggest fan. Indeed the Spiked sea is just Vartanadel fan fiction. So know there is much to this and a lot more to the society in your mind. Perhaps you might consider several small write ups. This could be a write up on the Naming. I also realize that this was submitted in a time of transition at the citadel, and perhaps you are not able to give all of your love. I enjoyed what was here, am glad you submitted it, and thinks the culture outlined provides lot of avenues for plot development and allegory. Go to Comment
Vartanadel
Locations  (Country/ State)   (Any)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-06-14 06:34 PM
the double d is a constant theme on this site Go to Comment
Argnid
Plots  (Crisis)   (Single-Storyline)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-06-10 04:32 PM
"What are you doing you daft fool, pick up the damn spear!"

Nice! Go to Comment
Pommel Stones Of Vohu Manah And The Breath-takers Mace
Items  (Mystical)   (Single-Storyline)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-06-11 08:15 AM
It because of your catherine spell that I wrote this up, as I worked on a plot using the catherine spell and derivates of the Catherine spell I needed a system by which a spell generated person could carry memory-at least some memory-between summonings. Go to Comment
Trianarianism
Society/ Organizations  (Religious)   (Regional)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-06-09 11:29 AM
..................... Go to Comment
Trianarianism
Society/ Organizations  (Religious)   (Regional)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-06-09 11:37 AM
This is very intellectual and abstract take on a religion. You have outlined a theological core but given little of the practice of it. Certainly these philosophies of life could be followed by somebody who is looking for direction, meaning or structure-but why make religion out of it?
What do the gods get out of it?
Do the Gods grant powers in your world? If there is no supernatural power associated with this religion what role does it play in society?
Does it effect the moral codes of the land?

I think we really should to write this up as part of a narrative, put this through the crucible of story telling, and see what comes out.

Overall nice one. very cerebral I like it. Go to Comment
Trianarianism
Society/ Organizations  (Religious)   (Regional)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-06-09 03:27 PM
I was commenting a what an idea spring board Gossamer had left for you. Writing "you might want to proof read", both brilliant, insightful and articulate. Go to Comment
Trianarianism
Society/ Organizations  (Religious)   (Regional)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-06-09 03:35 PM
Well I really enjoy your stories, the one about the smart sword, the serial killer and such all good stuff. I think that stuff, more than listing facts helps to crystalize ideas. Perhaps Bob had a crisis of faith, perhaps Bob is torn between God and Country....whatever. The overall question for everything on this site that is not a story is - Do these ideas revolving around ( in the this case the tri-faith) help you to tell stories? Go to Comment
Trianarianism
Society/ Organizations  (Religious)   (Regional)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-06-09 11:06 PM
"axelrowes (might have) suggested"

are my comments unclear? If so I am sincerely disappointed in myself. I will try and make them more pointed and direct in the future.
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Trianarianism
Society/ Organizations  (Religious)   (Regional)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-06-09 11:07 PM
I believe in the power and merits of voting and competition Go to Comment
Trianarianism
Society/ Organizations  (Religious)   (Regional)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-06-10 04:23 PM
Leaving rambling nonsensical comments is a trap I fall into all too often. I am wary of it.

I like the new story thread. Yeah beaver don't technically eat wood, but they must swallow some wood during all their gnawing, can we really say that the beavers don't eat wood? It adds real hands on feel to the religion and more importantly implies a depth with regard to inner faith conflicts and mores. Shoes forged from nickel and tin.

So let me know if the comments are just nonsense or hard to follow. Go to Comment
My Voting Practices
Articles  (Rules and Advice)   (Citadel Help)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-06-09 08:38 AM
the how but not the why Go to Comment
My Voting Practices
Articles  (Rules and Advice)   (Citadel Help)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-06-10 02:21 PM
Why do you vote?  I am all for the voting and ranking systems, but without your perspective on the nature of site in general and your perceived place in the community we don't get a full picture.  Go to Comment
My Voting Practices
Articles  (Rules and Advice)   (Citadel Help)
axlerowes's comment on 2013-06-10 04:27 PM
so what does a 2.5 mean? Go to Comment
My Voting Practices
Articles  (Rules and Advice)   (Citadel Help)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-03-29 08:48 AM
It does not say why you vote. Even you conclusion say this is how you vote.

Does the voting system contribute positively to the Citadel? Does system of stick and carrots improve the content? What value do you put on the votes that you get?

Could voting system contribute to biased system that excludes certain types of content? Is that a good a thing?

Thanks for playing.

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