Strolen\s Citadel content. 
NPCs  (Major)   (Knowledge/Lore)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-11-23 09:56 AM

I would challenge you to write it up high school style. Maybe not as you wrote in High School, but as those you knew in high school wrote..lost of disjointed and unnecessary purple prose...implied rather than stated encounters and great sense of self importance.

You have all that here...unnecessary lore and such...but it is a little too polished to be real satire, but doesn't have enough love to real nostalgia. Go to Comment
Hammer Of Spirit Binding
Items  (Tools)   (Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-11-23 10:05 AM
Nice item, I like the description in the "Abilities" section. Go to Comment
Time Spent With Trolls
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Swamp)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-11-02 10:23 AM
Looks interesting, but sadly I am feint of heart, inexperienced and sane. So Troll hunting is none of my business. Go to Comment
Time Spent With Trolls
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Swamp)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-11-05 10:05 PM
T.H.I.S. has spirit akin to the naturalists of Edwardian and Victorian England but the write ups have shades of Diane Fossey.

I admire a departure from the listing of facts (juicy details in your words) format and the inclusion of a narrative perspective. Go to Comment
The Headless Motorcycle Man
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Travelers)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-11-03 07:12 AM
Why are you not a fan of this style of sub? How would you describe this style of sub? Go to Comment
The Headless Motorcycle Man
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Travelers)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-11-03 07:13 AM

I think the prose is strong and professional and the story has potential, particularly around Halloween. I enjoyed the phraseology and admired the word choice. But the story is really about the Deni and Billy characters, while the post claims to be about headless motorcycle man. We don’t have a backstory for the ghost characters. The post-script also asserts that the focus of this story is on the motorcycle man and attempts to describes the use of the motorcycle man in game. The content does not fully equip a storyteller or game master to use this work, you have an idea here, a plot, but you don’t have a complete story or a completely developed NPC.

The assertion that the resolution of this conflict should be system specific would only be true for the most sophomoric of gamers. Imagine if halfway through your story Billy pulls out his holy symbol banishes the undead then gets in the car and moves on. That is not resolution. And above we don’t have resolution for the ghost characters. I know gamers that would be satisfied with that, but I don’t play with them.

Summary: All the details of the story are great but have you really expanded up on the content beyond “The restless spirit of a leather glad biker straight from central casting searches the back roads for the ghost of the woman that cut off his member”? As a piece of inspiration this is great, as a gaming resource it offers little because it has neither backstory nor resolution. As “draw it with crayon” camp says it lacks the “juicy details”.

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Mien Endsieg
Items  (Books and Scrolls)   (Campaign Defining)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-10-14 12:53 PM

Does the book measure the height and angle of the reader's forehead to help determine racial purity of its readers? And why only white males...women loved Hitler.

Subplot...the neo-nazi camp comes across a book written by the ghostly hand of Chamberlin. They pass this book onto the PCs and suddenly our heros find themselves make all kinds of compromises.

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Mien Endsieg
Items  (Books and Scrolls)   (Campaign Defining)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-10-14 06:53 PM
If you are not looking for validation than it doesn't matter what people think of your subs.You fit in fine as far as I concerned, and I do pity you and I do validate you. I thought my Chamberlin comment was funny, and low be you in my estimation for not giving me even a snicker or disgusted eye roll. People commented on this in generally positive light. Shame on you for trying to shame us by asserting that we are shunning or excluding if you had any of emotion you assert that you are having you would have gone away quietly and not left this -I just don't belong note-. Furthermore, I want to call your hand I will make a better case that I don't belong here and you do. Let me know if you are playing! Go to Comment
30 Super-Villians
NPCs  (Major)   (Criminal/Espionage)
axlerowes's comment on 2012-02-23 10:43 PM

Lets bring this back.....

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It's A Gone World
Locations  (World)   (Any)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-10-13 07:57 PM

"The potential to offend outweighs the utility" That is a slippery slope. After all it is part the speculative genre to push the envelope to an extreme so that the middle can be re-evaluated. I agree it was a tasteless and crass post, but not without merit. Maybe Censorship makes me a little sad....

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Courtesan's secret weapon
Items  (Clothes)   (Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-06-08 12:03 AM
Why didn't you like what I wrote, and I why is what you wrote you superior to my ideas? Or at least if not superior, what could I do to make something more suited to your specific. I tried to live up to the possibility of the flirting dress or at least expand on the idea, and I feel concerned that custos found it uncool. Please elaborate on cool. Go to Comment
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (City/ Ruin)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-05-05 05:50 PM
It is "The Champ" with Robots. Go to Comment
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-24 08:30 PM
It is interesting her experiences with animal intellect or so liberating, I am not a behaviorist, but I believe most (most) animal emotions are varying degrees of discomfort. A chapter told entirely from the animal perspective would be interesting, she has written books but only really alluded to the animal experiences. You touched on it a bit with her dog days in the city. But if the animal experiences are what is most important to her why the laundry list of events related to her human acquaintances? Do you intend for us to doubt the narrator's self-knowledge? Go to Comment
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Water)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-21 07:50 PM

Sci-fi spell jammers in the deep. I love it. I think we discussed this before in chat: but i like the idea of these beings, and I think it adds different dimension of the setting. By writing from the perspective of one these beings you could use more hard science in you descriptions of life forms and structures. For example you could discuss things in terms of wavelength and ionic attractions ( stuff a being from a crashed spaceship could be aware of), and just having these in the setting expands the setting immensely.

The write up is a little terse. Almost like bullet points. What happened the Valadaar of six or eight years ago that opened up his posts with little in-world first person vignettes?

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Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Water)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-22 07:01 AM

Check out the Vorrkush sub

It is another mystical deep dwelling arthropod of Decathros with a Lovecraft vibe.

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axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-24 08:24 PM
I read this one a couple of days ago, it kind of reads like a laundry list of events, but it is missing any real meat to it. Go to Comment
Elizabeth Sheybad and the Flirting Dress
Plots  (Crisis)   (Encounter)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-18 03:30 PM
I have been told many times that the citadel is an Rpg site, not a fiction site. And that RPG fiction should end right before or right after something really awful or dramatic happens, that way the players can pick up where the author left off, so we continue this in a forum RPG, or write me another weird item and I will try an incorporate into another thread of this narrative. Go to Comment
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-16 05:55 PM
Suspension of disbelief regarding the bird getting on to and out the the airplane in such a way as follow chic around a major international airport:


Suspension of disbelief regarding a talking song bird (even if its polymorphed bird):


Nice story, stuff happens, I was interested.

I would drop the second to last paragraph. The story ends once the woman leaves...and it is better that way. Go to Comment
Ellen Lancaster
NPCs  (Minor)   (Artistic/Performance)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-24 07:33 PM

I was looking for something to read on the fly and so I clicked on this thing. This has everything I have ever wanted to see on the Citadel. It is written with a consistent perspective, and it builds its world subtlety around characters. This might be the best thing I have ever read on the Citadel. It certainly has a lot of the qualities I have aspired to and experimented with, I truly admire this piece. Forget those banal self-important distinctions of whether or not this is “useful” or the content ascribes to my biases or preferences regarding genre; I love what this represents in ambition to be a completely immersive piece. The bar at the Citadel keeps getting raised (which may shrink and change the community), and I believe that you have raised the bar. I would say this is transcendent: You have character driven world building and story-telling in a speculative fiction genre (with a big bit of wish fulfillment thrown in). This is well-realized character and world, and you get some much of it in one narrative here. Thank you.

As for the content, I just want to note that I respect every choice you made in writing this.

The author/narrator clearly has a lot of respect and almost adoration for his subject. Only when noting that she may not have resented being so positively features in the documentary does his ever dig into his subject. It would be an interesting experiment and very telling of the conflicts in your world to hear about the events allude to and described from the oppositions perspective. Could you paint a sympathetic picture of one your villains or antagonistic characters?

Another thing I found jarring, but not in a bad way per se, was the take you took on superheros here. The Silver Age fantasy of the superhero is some mild mannered or over looked person who can suddenly burst out and do something fantastic. The super powers become allegory for the overlooked potential, emotional turmoil, super-ego or inner life of the nerd or the put upon individual. Here your characters (including Silver’s) are Grammy winning artists, best selling authors and beautiful young people living hipster lives in NYC. In many many ways are they departures from the lifestyles of people who plan than their lives around live chatting RPGs.

Finally there is one thing I just don’t buy. I don’t believe that this Juilliard educated woman in her 30s who is thoughtful and considerate of meaningful communication, AND born in 1988 or 1989 could reference Rocky III with esoteric precession and complete assurance that her reference would be caught and understood. Even if she was some how a fan of early 80s pulp cinema, it was incredulous that this New York Times author and his editor were both on the same page and felt no need to explain this reference to his audience. In that moment I saw the aging fanboy behind the text, and I completely loved it. Unless your alternate history promotes Rocky III to the ranks of Pooh Bear, Shakespeare, and Star Wars in terms of Western pop culture allusions…then well done sir.

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Flirting dress
Items  (Clothes)   (Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-16 01:36 PM
I took that as an Oekaki challenge scras! Go to Comment
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