Strolen\s Citadel content. 
Elizabeth Sheybad and the Flirting Dress
Plots  (Crisis)   (Encounter)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-18 03:30 PM
I have been told many times that the citadel is an Rpg site, not a fiction site. And that RPG fiction should end right before or right after something really awful or dramatic happens, that way the players can pick up where the author left off, so we continue this in a forum RPG, or write me another weird item and I will try an incorporate into another thread of this narrative. Go to Comment
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-16 05:55 PM
Suspension of disbelief regarding the bird getting on to and out the the airplane in such a way as follow chic around a major international airport:

check

Suspension of disbelief regarding a talking song bird (even if its polymorphed bird):

check

Nice story, stuff happens, I was interested.

I would drop the second to last paragraph. The story ends once the woman leaves...and it is better that way. Go to Comment
Flirting dress
Items  (Clothes)   (Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-16 01:36 PM
I took that as an Oekaki challenge scras! Go to Comment
Flirting dress
Items  (Clothes)   (Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-18 09:42 AM
Cheka! The Queen of Vallermoore would love this wouldn't she! Go to Comment
Flirting dress
Items  (Clothes)   (Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-18 09:43 AM
Or traumatize children on the sly. Go to Comment
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-14 01:17 PM
Minor Note:
"The new quarter began at school and Sarah was deep in study land. Despite her words about me stealing her study buddy, she didn't seem to mind that Ellen got me more now. Almost as if she deliberately invited me over to get to Ellen.."

This is an early conclusion for second date so I assume their relationship is progressing but the chronology is a little tough to follow in the beginning.

Bigger thought:
Ellen and Eve's whole courtship feels like a rush to consummation. And without any conflicts-internal or external-nothing really happens in this section.

What was your goal with this section? Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's path pt 5
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-11 08:29 AM
Did she grab the 'river trout' from the Harlem, East, Bronx or Hudson river? Good trout fishing in those rivers?

I am not sure this post really needed to happen. We don't learn anything about the world or the characters (except no underwear). There is no drama or conflict, the "asking Ellen out" bit could/should have involved more tension or internal dialog, particularly considering all the swings the main character took the night before.

The only thing of interest is that I don't buy Ellen's interest in Evelyn, and am waiting for Evelyn to finally get rejected or have 'a gut check'.
Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's path pt 5
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-11 09:14 AM
If we were work shopping this story, I would still suggest cutting this scene. Go to Comment
7 More Reasons Why Not Everyone is a Magic User
Articles  (Resource)   (Gaming - Genre)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-13 08:46 AM
I think this works as 7, this is article about world building, beside it being a new or lost technology, you have 7 fairly thought out suggestions here Go to Comment
Rage!
Articles  (At Table)   (Game Mastering)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-14 09:50 AM
Valadaar suggests that it would be fun to for make table top RPGs more video game like and about 1000 words later we have Valadaar's outline how to install a "turbo" button on your character sheet. The claim that a table top mechanic is "video game like" is often used pejoratively, but I reject such ideas as biased snobbery. If you enjoy your games to be dice driven versions of Dynasty Warriors than why shouldn't you make that happen?

I think it is easy to overlook how this would be a useful RP tool. Anything that makes a character see combat as more than hit and miss ratios expands the game world. This will force the characters to be more vested in the events around them.

Consider the following scenario:

GM: the Sith Lord Baron Hideous slices through the lifting droid KV-zero-N with his orange light saber.

Player 1: "Not Kevon! NOOOOOOOO!" I add plus 3 to rage tests.

GM: He was just a lifting droid.

Player 1: My character loved that droid.

Player 2: Yeah don't disrespect the dead, "Lets win this one for Kevon!!!!" Go to Comment
Rage!
Articles  (At Table)   (Game Mastering)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-14 11:00 AM

Perhaps you could expand this to include a more modern dynamic



































































Event




Modifier




Amplifier




Mini van doing 50 mphs pulls into left lane on I-65




+1




The woman driving failed to signal and is on the phone x2




Parking ticket




+1




You were just there for 5 minutes x2




Ex-spouse comments on your weight gain




+1




They look fantastic x2 and so does their new partner x4




The lid on your coffee cup pops off and scalding hot coffee stains your shirt and pants




+2




The barista warns you that it is hot after you have spilled the drink x4




In a mirthful sing-song voice your opponent in some complex game informs you that you have just lost the game by making a blinding stupid move




+2




They are right x3




Your co-worker uncuts you in a meeting by saying “I don’t think you have everything right there (your first name).




+3




You did have everything right x3




A player in your RPG writes you a 4000 word email complaining about the way you give out experience points




+4




His arguments consist of asking himself questions and then answering them without discussion x2.




You stay up late in a chat room discussing how vaccination is causing humanity to de-evolve.




+4




The people in chat claim to have a “working knowledge of science” and they use the phrase “if you think about logically” x5




A player in your on-line RPG is threatening to quit unless the other players are nicer to him




+4




Some other mook who wasn’t even involved mocks your anger in an unfunny way x2




Your cell phone data plan has additional $400 charge for texting numbers with the numeral 7 in them




+10




The 23 year old sales man who sold you the plan talked you out of your old plan into this new with the promise of saving money x5




The nurse at the hospital to which an ambulance took you injured son has never heard of him




+10




She asks you if “Are you sure that is how you spell his name?” x100


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Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's Path pt 4
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-08 07:46 PM
Video stores? Nobody messing around on cell phones? Nobody is internet stalking each other? And a teenagers learns about current events from television?!? Is it 1993?

I keep expecting this to get stale, but each chapter really brings us something new. We learn a lot about the world and Evelyn, but I am still not Evelyn has learned anything yet. Anyway good stuff. Go to Comment
The Vorrkush
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Underground)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-11 11:40 AM
I was really torn on this one. But the reason I was conflicted as to what I thought about it, was because it is a really great idea that does not fall into mainstream sci-fi/fantasy,


Because it is so ambitious it feels incomplete. We get the biology of the creatures fairly well and we get their philosophy a little bit, but we don't get a true realization of their personalities or culture. So thus when THE LURKING FEAR comes into play and the SHADOWs OUT OF TIME created by the Vorrkush turns their victims into OUTSIDERs what kind of personality do they bring with them.

Are these Vorrkush philosophers you mentioned running around in human bodies or do the possessed just become drunken multiparous individuals (as they do in your examples)?

If this incompleteness is deliberate than I think perspective should be changed. Because right now their is an omniscient voice and that does justify the gaps in information.

Overall great idea, great addition to Decthros, thanks for writing it up. Go to Comment
Royal War Train
Items  (Transports)   (Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-06 08:48 PM


It is a fantastic idea. I seem to remember there being a lot more to this train, descriptions of the inside and the station.

Go to Comment
Royal War Train
Items  (Transports)   (Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-07 03:54 AM
I will vote whenever you want. What score would you like? Go to Comment
Royal War Train
Items  (Transports)   (Magical)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-07 11:01 AM
I do like the train, and I do like Vallermoore. I will not argue with your 3.5 assessment. Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's path pt 3
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-08 06:15 AM
This jackass freshman over-sharer is the scariest thing I have ever read here. She is a very believable 18 year old.

I am pretty sure Columbia is way up town, like 114th street (maybe that is midtown) and the village...I think is between 14th and Houston. That is like 100 blocks or so at least 5 miles. Muro can weigh in on this. Go to Comment
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-06 10:36 AM
thanks for the catch! Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's Path pt 2
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-05 08:44 AM


The scene in which she throws herself at Sarah Voltaire only to conclude that she didn’t want to seem obvious…that was funny. I particularly thought this line rang true.



I smiled, unable to resist the urge to show off my knowledge just a little. "For example, they now think raptors used their wings for stability and flapping to stay on top of their prey while hanging on with their hooked claws and eating it alive." I paused and blushed slightly, suddenly embarrassed at sounding like some kind of Dino geek in front of the girl.


This sounds like every undergraduate science major I’ve met (ahem…or maybe use to be). Those kids are ready to drop knowledge at absurdly inappropriate moments, and without any real understanding of what they are talking about. Eve may have the ability to understand Velociraptor mongoliensis in a way that guys scratching at fossils cannot, but I am sure she does not understand the research she is talking about. This is a brave (internet brave) choice having your narrator be flawed and a little unreliable. Brave because I know that uncertainty turns off some readers. But I really like and enjoy what you are doing with her voice. It adds a layer of realism.





However, the story within the story was a little rough. I think a little more imagery and making the language a little more explicit would help communicate Sarah Voltaire’s story as the narrarator and thus the world understands it, and would keep the flow of the story going. For example



As soon as the professor begins speaking she sat up, yanked out her ear buds, and whipped off her shades. That’s when, while the professor made introductions, I recognized Sarah Voltaire. Here you have three events: Girl in green shirt removes shade Professor starts talking Eve recognizes Sarah Voltaire.


The events are explicitly connected. For all we know that moment Sarah Voltaire could have materialized behind the professor, or the professor is Sarah Voltaire in man form, or the girl in the green shirt is Sarah Voltaire.



You could tighten up the sentence a bit by adding





I recognized the girl in the green shirt was Sarah Voltaire aka Quantum.


Then as you go through the flashes of images things get vague and unclear. I know it is easy to expect the readers of genre fiction to fill in the gaps. (Of course my genre bias tells me warhammer was a supervillian, but it wouldn't hurt to tell us that. Or tell us Eve's opinion of Warhammer versus the media's opinion. Eve is telling us this in retrospect so she could reflect more on these flashesthan she did at the time)



But you leave a lot of gaps in that story of Voltaire, it kills the flow of this piece and there is no reason to do it.



You should add another clause or sentence to each to specific memory Eve has regarding Voltaire. These should help to connect things temporally and draw out the details.



I know they are supposed to be just short flashes, but the flashes are very vivid and important images in Eve’s mind and you should paint vivid pictures with your words.





Lastly, undergraduate paleontology is really pushing my suspension of disbelief. I know the details don’t really matter, she just need to learn about dinosaurs so she can shape shift and may be there can be so allegory for evolution and extinction with Delta humans and normal humans. But you could show the field a little more respect. Paleontology is a sub-discipline of what they call “Earth Science” these days (actually they have called in Earth Science since the 80s, and not deep enough into the field to tease out the symantics of the different Earth Science disciplines. She would either be in either a geology, biology or anthropology program depending on what department the university dumped its paleontologists. Would be Paleontologists focusing on dinosaurs would likely be studying biology or geology. I am sure there are Paleo 101 classes out there, but they would be survey classes for non-majors. Eve should talk to her academic advisor and dump that useless class. I know I am being silly here, but hey science deserves respect.

Go to Comment
Solitude and The Long Road Evelyn's Path pt 2
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
axlerowes's comment on 2014-04-06 10:43 AM


The points come through, I was just suggesting the language get tightened up a bit and be a bit more illustrative. It is a minor thing. However, I don't think it was a problem with not knowing Sarah Voltaire, we have to know Eve's understanding of Sarah, even if its wrong. But it reads much clearer now. These are just prose details and I still think it is an interesting and well conceived story thus far.



I am still not quite sure what Eve thinks happened with the sniper. Statue was another super, she and Quantum got shot but Statue died?

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