With each revision, Kullryke becomes clearer: Your next challenge is to bring all the tenses into line and put quotation marks around each of her quotes in the text.
The opening summary begins with several metaphors: These images paint a vivid picture, but I'd abbreviate it since you repeat the text within the main body of the piece. Alternatively, you might mark the opening as Gunther Weldenson's quote and remove the quote from the main body of the text.
Kullryke's special equipment and ablities are well-described. I'd also appreciate additional detail about her motivations and the suggested plot hooks.
Her background is... too much. While it has a great amount of interesting detail and says a lot about her character, you're basically asking the reader to absorb several of her adventures. I'd strip that down to a quarter its present size, saving the information to write separate tales of her early adventures. You have the imagination to do it, you just need practice polishing your writing.
A few errors eluded your previous review. After you revise the tenses, you should have someone else read the text, marking anything they find confusing. It's always harder to see one's own errors than it is to see other people's.
This piece will be impressive when it's fully polished! Go to Comment
Medieval and renaissance innkeepers would occasionally add a variety of unhealthy ingredients to their drinks to make them keep longer or hide unpleasant flavors. Lead or chemical salts were sometimes used for the purpose, particularly as a sweetener in low-quality wine. Go to Comment
I'm sorry that I missed this when it was first submitted. Siren was building on the Volgotoi Ogrish culture, in which the males tend to be loutish and straightforward, while females master manipulation and deception. Rather than a male-dominated warrior culture, each gender has its own role in their society, with women acting as negotiators and intermediaries between family clans. Korara has simply chosen to specialize in matters romantic and matrimonial. Go to Comment
I remember my first posts here: It takes a few tries to get used to the Citadel's quirks. Please keep posting!
I could see these benevolent beetles appearing in a game, but I'd add some legends about them and their swampy home. While they might have occurred naturally, such creatures would be seen as powerful omens by those dwelling in the area. Mud-caked swamp elves would protect them as emmisaries of the nature gods, while those pillaging the wetlands' bounty would fall to the beetles' alien wrath.
Additional Plot Hooks: "Drain That Pesthole" - Lord Fawary cares little for his estates, but hopes to wring every possible groat from the "insect-ridden" swamp on its border. He plans to dam the stream that feeds it, building a mill and clearing the land for pasturage. The arrogant noble can't understand why his simple plan isn't working...
"We Found Them in the Swamp" - Adventurers unearthed a unique treasure while exploring the great swamp: Statues of nature gods worshipped by tribes that once dwelt in the region. Purchased by Lord Fawary, these lovely statues delight visitors to his gardens. Unfortunately, swarms of tiny beetles have begun to plague the region, and Fawary's delight has turned to anger. He wants those adventurers found and his money returned. Go to Comment
Desiring that his humble servitors not pass from the realm, the sylvan god invested them with his power. Growing in power and wisdom, they were simple insects no longer. A fragment of the god's will possessed them, collectively making their race into a lesser avatar of the god.
I like the idea of magical effects: It's a style thing. Sure, the beetles could swarm over their foes, but bugs summoning mystical defenders of the wetlands is so much cooler (and not overdone the way swarms have been since "The Mummy"). Go to Comment
Detailed and silly, but I'd like to see some suggestions for zany adventures featuring the malodorous goblins of Dabazook Island.
Perhaps their caverns were once the tomb of an ancient hero (his sarcophagus now buried beneath tons of manure) and the PCs need to recover several holy relics from the ancient paladin's crypt: Unfortunately, the task must be done without spilling blood.
If the goblins heard of giant bats near a human village, their quest to find and tame the elusive avian mammals could be quite aggravating for the locals. Go to Comment
You're actually off to a good start. Don't beat yourself up.
If this were my sub, I'd pull out all the video game references and replace them with suggestions for how the organization could be implemented in someone's games. I'd add the historical information that others suggested, along with other interesting facts I'd learned since I started writing the sub.
Since your keyboard is causing you heartburn, you might want to find a better one: There's no point in handicapping yourself. A decent keyboard can be picked up for less than 20 bucks. Go to Comment
As always, the Captain delivers a dose of horror that would enliven any game it is used in.
I suspect that the mere possession of salt is suspicious within the lands of The Hand That Sees, drawing the attention of informants and those eager to buy the favor of their revolting overlords. Those preparing for battle with the dreaded White Children may learn that the hybrid undead aren't the only terror within the land, only the most infamous. Go to Comment
This is one of the more unpleasant contributions that the site has seen. While I don't shy away from controversial, gruesome subs, you might want to tone him down a touch, as there are some folks who would find this offensive and most of us would hesitate to use such a creature in our games. Go to Comment
A solidly-conceived piece: I've always had a taste for seedy Victorianesque adventuring, so the setting details particularly appeal to me.
Few people realize that Red Honey is a major ingredient of Verita Brandy, a rare distilled drink. The brewers mix the Red Honey with that of less-aggressive species, then ferment the resultant liquid into an oddly-flavored mead: This is then carefully distilled and allowed to age in apple-wood casks for 20 or more years.
Sipped carefully by nobles and wealthy merchants, Verita Brandy produces euphora similar to that caused by less-elevated forms of the drug, but it has a (generally undeserved) reputation for making its drinkers unable to lie effectively. As such, it is often shared during sensitive negotiations, used to enforce honest dealing. Go to Comment
The thunder of falling water is audible for hundreds of yards, as the trail leads past a small waterfall. Beneath the fall, a large pool spreads out, its edges covered with thick growths of water plants. A few water birds quest among the growth, seeking for insects and frogs.
Downstream of the fall an ancient bridge crosses the water, its cracked stones covered with moss. The path leads to the bridge, but some suspicious soul has tied a stout rope across the water as well, forming a rope handrail for the decrepit structure. Go to Comment