The Positive: I like this! It's a solid, interesting idea with a lot of detail. I can see how it fits into and illuminates your world.
The Negative: The text is a bit verbose. If you're bringing your reader along on a lengthy ride, you should give more of a payoff along the way: Some sort of a twist or surprise would really add to the piece.
The Constructive: What amazing benefits might arise from Corran's Scribe? What awkward revelations might the scribe bring forth? Whose sinister designs might require just such an object? What tales might it best fit into?
As all Ouroboros' submissions are, this is very well presented! I particularly liked the nice, chewy pseudotechnical gobbledigook: It gives plenty of ideas for extrapolating from the original idea. I also enjoyed the mace's clockwork magic.
Update: I changed the submission to more closely conform with the required format. I did leave benefits and drawbacks together, as they are intertwined. Go to Comment
I do not mean this to be critical, but I am concerned that this may infringe on others' copyrights.
Was the online guide that you cited derived from the Hero-Builder's Guidebook? If it was, it may be construed as an infringement on their copyright. Copyright law is not as simple and straightforward as would be preferable: For example, a professor was once successfully sued for using one page from a textbook (A summary page with numerous formulae) in his class handout packet.
Fair use does not depend on whether the use is intended to make a profit, it depends on whether the information gathered is properly attributed, and is part of a larger project. Simply collecting and summarizing information does not protect you from the "Vile Lashunzuv Khoppi Rites". How much of this is original work and how much is derived from other sources?
(I am not an attorney, but I do have some familiarity with copyright law.) Go to Comment
It wasn't meant as an attack: I'm sorry that it came across as critical or judgmental. I was concerned that it might come across as hostile, which is why I prefaced my comment with the caveat that it was not meant as criticism.
I asked my questions honestly, without any sarcasm or judgment intended, because copyright law is not always clear-cut and there is room for disagreement.
Please allow me to express my heartfelt respect for you and state that I appreciate the effort that you went to in presenting the information. Go to Comment
It was a Saturday afternoon and we were generating characters for a game run by one of my friends. His style of dungeon mastering could have used a bit of polish, but so could our play, as we were all 14 years old at the time. I grabbed the six-siders and let fly, coming up with: Str 9, Dex 11, Con 10, Int 14, Wis 10, Cha 8.
Not too impressive. Sighing with disappointment, I named my new hero: GEK, the Wizard
The party then went off to explore some ancient ruins. Our first encounter was a giant spider, which leapt down upon us as we entered the underground labrynth. Our fighters, the front rank, were first to die. They were soon followed by the cleric and the thief. Gek, hiding at the back in his 4 hp, AC 10 glory, smote mightily with his staff (I rolled a 20) over and over again (…then an 18, then a 19) as the monster failed to connect with its deadly bite (It rolled a 3, then a 5). Finally, the vile arachnid fell before the mighty quarterstaff of the fortunate mage and he staggered home, the sole survivor of the expedition.
Gek went on for several levels, eventually acquiring the sobriquet “GEK, the Incompetent”, as he never actually had an opponent fail a saving throw for any of his spells. Go to Comment
Put me with those reminded of Moorcock's Ship that Sails Between Worlds or his Vanishing Tower. It also made me want to look up one of my old pieces, Mumwertzs Affectionate Elixirs. Perhaps heroes accidentally transported while shopping for potions might seek out your inn to find their way home... Go to Comment
If you don't want to fully detail this, you would be better to consolidate it into a neighborhood sub with the other businesses and characters in the area.
You have two sentences actually describing Black Mountain: The rest of the sub is about mind bleach.
I'm curious about...
1.) The odd alchemists living and working there.
2.) Their harried apprentices and assistants.
3.) The strange magical effects unleashed by reckless experimenters, some of which may still linger in the area.
4.) The buildings of Black Mountain, no doubt originally built for other purposes. How did the alchemists come to settle there?
5.) The quirky locals that live nearby. Is there some hidden reason they stay in such a neighborhood?
Every one of those questions could become an adventure hook. Go to Comment
I didn't think of the Internet meme when I was reading this (which was probably a good thing). Since Age of Fable apparently wanted to play this one straight, the bleach could use a change to its name. Otherwise, its doomed to frivolity. Go to Comment
I see that you've taken your inspiration from a master, but give him his due...
Old Cairo is itself a story-book and a dream - labyrinths of narrow alleys redolent of aromatic secrets; Arabesque balconies and oriels nearly meeting above the cobbled streets; maelstroms of Oriental traffic with strange cries, cracking whips, rattling carts, jingling money, and braying donkeys; kaleidoscopes of polychrome robes, veils, turbans, and tarbushes; water-carriers and dervishes, dogs and cats, soothsayers and barbers; and over all the whining of blind beggars crouched in alcoves, and the sonorous chanting of muezzins from minarets limned delicately against a sky of deep, unchanging blue.
- from Imprisoned with the Pharaohs, by H.P. Lovecraft
Comparing Lovecraft's writing to yours, I'd recommend that you revise your opening paragraph. You've taken his exact phrases; now move on to express your own visions. Give voice to your own imagination, letting Lovecraft's words be your vision's chrysalis. Trust in your own creative voice. Go to Comment
The Mouser said dryly, "I already smell dead fish, burnt fat, horse dung, tickly lint, Lankhmar sausage gone stale, cheap temple incense burnt by the ten-pound cake, rancid oil, moldy grain, slaves' barracks, embalmers' tanks crowded to the black brim, and the stink of a cathedral full of unwashed carters and trulls celebrating orgiastic rites -- and now you tell me of a taint!"
- from The Cloud of Hate, by Fritz Lieber
I consider this unacceptable. You have to cite your sources. If you want to open with quotes derived from classic fantasy, give due credit to the authors you're building from. Over a month ago, I expressed my concern about this; I am disappointed that you did not see fit to address this issue. Go to Comment
Depending on the culture, these items might not resemble modern undergarments. For example, some cultures used rags to absorb women's monthly flow, the source of a common phrase used to describe that condition.
The vampiric panties also suggest other items to me, items tangental to the original concept. In a world where blood and body parts carry supernatural significance, nobles might have other garments enchanted to absorb blood, close wounds, and speed healing. Carrying charms against sepsis, these would prevent the risk that hostile spellcasters could pick up blood, hair, or flesh to direct their maledictions or to overcome defenses against scrying.
The mixture of ancient magic in a modern instrument is a good start, but you can bring this to the next level. What is there about this guitar that will surprise readers, yet make them say "Of course! I should have thought of that!" What would make a GM decide to build a scenario around it?
The Sirens' irresistible voices carried men to their doom. What does your imagination tell you about this guitar?
"Yes, Lieutenant: That's exactly how we found the bodies. There's no sign that they were restrained, but they appear to have died of thirst in this room. From the positions of the remains, I'd guess they were playing those instruments as some sort of a band; the only thing missing would be the lead guitar."Go to Comment
The Brave People Society/ Organizations (Ethnic/Cultural)
(Regional)
This is a post of such significance to the setting, with so much information, that you might want to break off some sections into separate posts, then make them into a codex. It's already a substantial post, so considering Moonhunter's suggested additions, it might be easier to tackle in smaller chunks. Go to Comment
You lost your quotation marks and apostrophes in the transfer from Word to Strolens. Strolen gave some information about how to avoid that in this forum thread: http://www.strolen.com/guild/index.php/topic,4059.0.html
She's a colorful character, and deserves the chance to shine. I recommend that you shorten the title a bit and rewrite the initial blurb (It's written in passive tense, something you'll want to elminate.)
Your writing is vivid, but you'll want to carefully review your text, returning lost apostrophes, correcting minor errors, and eliminating passive tense. Go to Comment
With each revision, Kullryke becomes clearer: Your next challenge is to bring all the tenses into line and put quotation marks around each of her quotes in the text.
The opening summary begins with several metaphors: These images paint a vivid picture, but I'd abbreviate it since you repeat the text within the main body of the piece. Alternatively, you might mark the opening as Gunther Weldenson's quote and remove the quote from the main body of the text.
Kullryke's special equipment and ablities are well-described. I'd also appreciate additional detail about her motivations and the suggested plot hooks.
Her background is... too much. While it has a great amount of interesting detail and says a lot about her character, you're basically asking the reader to absorb several of her adventures. I'd strip that down to a quarter its present size, saving the information to write separate tales of her early adventures. You have the imagination to do it, you just need practice polishing your writing.
A few errors eluded your previous review. After you revise the tenses, you should have someone else read the text, marking anything they find confusing. It's always harder to see one's own errors than it is to see other people's.
This piece will be impressive when it's fully polished! Go to Comment
Items (Tools) (Magical)
The Positive: I like this! It's a solid, interesting idea with a lot of detail. I can see how it fits into and illuminates your world.
The Negative: The text is a bit verbose. If you're bringing your reader along on a lengthy ride, you should give more of a payoff along the way: Some sort of a twist or surprise would really add to the piece.
The Constructive: What amazing benefits might arise from Corran's Scribe? What awkward revelations might the scribe bring forth? Whose sinister designs might require just such an object? What tales might it best fit into?
Go to Comment