Well, I can see something in there but nothing happens until halfway through the conversation. I think if you took the idea out of it and made it into an article it would actually work.
As it is I don't think a chat copy and paste is an appropriate submission Pieh. There is too much nothingness and chatter in it to make it worth the read.... Take out the meat and edit it up though and you might have something. As it is though... Go to Comment
Oekaki explains it and I have a new respect for it. It is a little rough in parts and some of the flow is confusing but all is forgiven in the context of Oekaki.
I was really getting pissed off at this guy through the story and I am very happy you saved the explanation to the end. That brought the main theme together and allowed me to rethink the tale yet again! Go to Comment
I like the progression of paladins and to know they are all corrupted or being corrupted is probably the main idea I came away with. Otherwise it is a bit confusing and not fully explained so after a single read I really don't understand quite a bit of it still.
So the sword gives them evil powers somehow that corrupt them? If a paladin doesn't wield the sword, are they still affected? I guess my main confusion is in the "deception" because I just don't get how it works. And the link to the throne seems important but not really revealed...as well as the spirits around it. Seemed cool, but didn't get those either. The children are the Paladins?
Seems like there is a cool idea there, but I just can't put it all together in my head with the evidence given. Sorry. I didn't even get the euthenizing part, although I see it where that could have came from.
I need some of it written with big letters and crayon for me. Go to Comment
I thought of the villian Two-Face where he sometimes flips a coin to decide a way forward. I sort of saw the cultists doing that kind of thing to decide on their reaction.
I could see this as being fun. You play it off as a kind of hobby of the bored and such, which is an awesome way to portray it IMHO. In that way the rich can dabble in the occult and tell their friends they are in a cult while keeping it all innocent and interesting.
Some may go farther into the discomfort to those that know them so that rumors start to spread and such. But often not too far before they get a correction.
I see some that may go too far though and truly embrace the cult's extreme edges. Those are the ones that slowly spin into darkness and insanity and would be the exception rather than the rule.
I like it and, for me, while you could always add more, if you concentrated a bit more on the core idea and delved into that a bit more, the sub would be a much stronger. Go to Comment
Probably because I see it less as a cult than I do the opposing view points of the two deities they worship. To be a cult, there is usually a unified concept but when you allow any and all gods then that unification is quickly lost.
So my comment was concentrating more on the acts of worshiping two different deities and how that would play out. I don't need as much as axle mentions but hearing more on how they would actually balance it would go a long way to understanding your concept of it. Go to Comment
I love the voice and it was very easy to read and made perfect sense right up to the point where they disappeared. At that point the narrative got vague and fast and seemed to leave out some things.
I was hooked and wanted more, and still do. I am a surface reader and don't dig too deep into it but it did change gears rather drastically. I was very curious which god won the bet? It seems like one cheated by moving them to a different place.
And, yes, you do need to go into the cannibalism and how that transfered over, more as well as why their is a specific outfit for the Scourge...and how it went from Reaver to Scourge. So much juicy stuff that we just get a taste of.
Not one of your best Cheka but an interesting series of developments.
I see what you are working towards but the justification and fleshing out of the actions and how they work just don't pull me all the way through. It almost seemed as if you had a core idea that was the violent uprising and then forced some puzzle pieces around it that didn't quite fit.
This topic is a big piece to bite off and a difficult one to pull off. I see what you are doing and commend you on giving it a solid shot! Go to Comment
This is one heck of a critique axle. It seems that you somehow latch onto something obtuse and cerebrally pick it to death even if it doesn't have much relevance to the actual submission. A simple, "this would fit a plot better" would have been plenty and then giving a little love to a wonderful piece of work.
I think the rule that would help you is for every critique, you should say two things nice about submissions. Go to Comment
Awesome. This is almost exactly how I ended up joining a cult. Small steps, better rewards, before I knew it I released a greater demon. Small world!
This is even better since it can so seamlessly be added to any evil adventure. No time limits and the tasks they are given could be accordianed as needed to fit a campaign. Fantastic.
It is really a perfect adventure template to help weave almost anything into another story. Get two or three of these twisting in and out of each other and you have an awesomely cohesive, world-spanning adventure with plenty of layers and side-quests available. I absolutely love the setup!
And, I agree, it probably hits the plot category better. Go to Comment
Yes, that is exactly what I am saying. The theology of the cult really doesn't have a whole lot of relevance to me in the process of following the plot. The answering of any of your posed questions would require an entirely new submission to flesh out for little or no extra value to this idea.
This site is a place for the sharing and celebration of each other's ideas. What threw me off was your expectation for a graduate level discourse on theology and divination and critique on the proper development of a belief system...all for a fun roleplaying idea.
I want a cool idea that is fun to run and this one fits the bill fabulously. I just can't comprehend that your expectations are so lofty that you actually expect these things to be answered. Go to Comment
Fantastic idea! I love the idea of praying to yourself and asking for your own forgiveness or whatever they end up doing.
Can you grant yourself magic or powers? That is a tangent I want to explore! :) Can you imagine asking yourself for stuff and then deciding if you should give yourself something? How fun is that? Go to Comment
Most people do things for selfish reasons (if only to feel good about themselves) but this goes way above and beyond your normal do-gooder. I see that each person could have their own reason, but what offer could the cult give them to actually join it?
I love that they are willing to do anything in the cult to gather information. That is awesome. With that, my thought was that violent criminals would be able to join it to do "good" while still satisfying their own innate evil. The benefit being that the cult status and ends justifying the means would provide them immunity to the law for their deeds in the name of the cult. Go to Comment
I think it might have scrambled my brain and I feel like my memory was sacrificed by the end. :)
I agree with caesar, I would very much prefer a wrap-up to pull these threads together so I understand what you think I should understand. Maybe put a separator to show what is written post challenge if you don't want to tweak the main submission to keep it pure.
One part that did confuse me. He writes the storm because it will return whereas the murder will not. Which infers that they use the historical "truths" to help with the future? But then the "I have no child" would go counter to previously written "truths" of her having a daughter so I am not sure how that balances. Seems to me that the cultists, once their "truths" are filed would mean nothing to them since they are in the moment so the use of the storm wouldn't be useful at all, they are just recorders. And wouldn't other recorders want to document the loss of a child as their interest? How many are there? Just caught me as confusing. Crayons, I like some things written in small words and crayons.
Also, as val mentioned, it is more of a fiction piece as it doesn't really give us anything to use as a society, while it definitely entertains. Go to Comment
I don't think it needs the nitty-gritty, just a little more to make it cohesive and self-sustaining. Right now it leaves more questions than it answers. I would prefer a single, well-defined unanswered question about the heredity cycle or how they became civilized vs. trying to figure out all the rest as well.
I do like it, it is just complex in its current state. Go to Comment
Not sure I would use this for the PCs but definitely something they come across in a game. Great level of detail and a crazy thing to to be working against. With a little work, it can be put in almost any genre too when it comes down to it.
Only a few of us are trusted in this enchanted world, playthings of the gods. If we win this game we will get xxxx reward. Whatever.
What would be really insane is if they do get some kind of special power (even perceived through the power of persuasion) that propagates their belief. Like they learn faster, get stronger than normal etc. Things that may happen anyway with their training/learning but seems enhanced by the brainwashing....or is it real?