It might be because it is late but I had to read the first two sentences a dozen times to get it straight. "take her place' told me that Sean was a girl and the other was taking her place. Then in the next sentence it said the girl in front of the master was 40, or is that Sean...ah, "his" I guess he is a dude, oh -'s that is a break in the sentence. There were a couple more leading sentences that were interrupted by commas making it hard to track. (It happened that...) I normally don't nickpick but I very much enjoyed the narrative but it didn't flow. There wasn't much to prove the intense hatred but I can assume more went on, don't need it all.
Would like to see a hint of the demon in the passage though. At least an inkling of hatred not fully his own perhaps to give some foreshadowing to the unnaturalness of it all. That would make the intense anger more justified.
Sorry, didn't mean to dwell. I will hold the vote and give it another read.
That made a huge difference! It all falls together very nicely and the narrative compliments and enhanced the nature of the demons to make them more useable. Great addition of a few hooks as well. PCs often make plenty of enemies so could see this coming into play. Solid sub!
Wow. There is a lot of surface details but nothing that gets me into the family. Too many people with too long of a timeline. It turned sort of into a list of facts about these people and nothing I could really use in a game.
This seems more like a background an author would put together for a story. Many facts aren't useful to us by themselves but if intertwined into a story they make more sense.
Definitely use some bold on your headings though. Just the break up of the text would make it much more readable. Put a blockquote on the "letter" to have it stand out.
I think I don't know what to do with it as there is so much generic information packed in about each person that there is not much to hang your hat on. The letter is probably the best part as it has some possible plot hooks perhaps.
52. Incredibly cute when you rub him just right in the belly and get that back leg kicking.
53. Can clear a path in a busy city either by sight or plowing depending on circumstances.
54. If you can find him some friends you can use its head to cross lakes just like in Pitfall.
55. If you lose a party member or accidentally kill a local you can easily dispose of the evidence, in its mouth.
56. You shouldn't have to buy license plates again, just check its feces.
57. Hard for any female to resist the adorable crocodile tears, instant charisma enhancement
I recently have read the unfinished series "In the Name of the Wind" by Rothfuss (awesome by the way) and have a new appreciation of the bard character. Yet I am no musical talent nor have the foresight or initiative to come up with anything for the various tavern's visited beyond, "there is a bard" which, when it comes down to it, sort of sucks. Would be nice to throw this at them.
I am a huge fan of subs like this that add depth and flavor to the world without commitment. You can slap this in any campaign without affecting it on the macro scale while still adding to the world beyond the PCs.
Also would be fun if you had a bard in the group. When the DM has this in his toolbox then when the PC bard says "I sing for gold" the DM counter and ask, "OK, give me an overview of what you will do and a couple lines because you have to try out against this other bard that already asked to play here."
Congrats on braving the site. I went ahead and put your sub into request advice to save from any more votes for now.
Don't lose hope!! Take the criticism and see what you think. We have all gone through the voting gauntlet so don't take it personally, use it! You probably won't get such honest, helpful advice anywhere else.
If you need an ego boost, look at my subs and sort them ASC by date and see my first ones. EGADS!
Tools out of bone and stone...giant bones? Bones of their ancestors? Their size makes me think they might use mammoth bones or other large creatures you mentioned but I wonder if using their own people's bones might make it more interesting. Could be an interesting concept for a creation of weapons too if they could get a hold of some bones.
I actually enjoyed the path of the flute from person to person. I kept waiting for that to come in play though as mentioned and was disappointed when I didn't see it. They are correct that it doesn't add much to the sub...unless.
Perhaps the flute takes a piece of each person that it touches along its path. Each expert that can harness the flute imbues it with a little part of him/herself. As the flute passes from hand to hand it actually slowly accumulates more power and more music. Flutist may fall into the sound and stat playing pieces that past owners favored...etc etc.
I do love these kind of items and anything that gets the ideas flowing is always great.