The title captured my imagination and attention but not sure the sub filled the expectations.
Was expecting to see a little detail about the person that made it and why. I guess why there was a need to trap this unexplained entity at least. They should be a bird collector of some sort (or they turned into one after) as it wouldn't be a difficult thing to have many types of birds caged in twos and bring them together as you needed the power of the amulet. If they need to be free flying that would need to be defined. Also that there would be some pattern involved, which bird was next, that could be deduced by actual migratory patterns or other ways that the players could actually discover. I guess I think it needs more about the entrapped entity and the motivations on its entrapment to explain why everything is happening the way it is.
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I like suddenly finding a crying girl in the woods. She was put there because she needed to be found by the players for purpose which could be a good opening to a side trek or adventure.
Don't take it personally, Raptyr! We very much appreciate the time you took to put in a submission. Most of us witheld our votes because we want you to succeed and are looking forward to continued interaction! PM us if you don't want to reply publically or refute our opinions if you think we are wrong. We thrive on feedback and are only trying to help so please don't take it any other way.
I might be wrong on this account and am happy to be corrected, but I almost see this as 3+ different submissions that would do well to be linked together but each would probably stand well on their own.
The first, obviously, being the description of the magic and ether. That sub ended for me around where the description of the Sorcerer and The Choosing started up. With a tiny bit of work to separate them, that could be its own post and simply linked to from this one on the ether. Psionics would be the third that can be alluded to as another force available.
The only other critical critique is the mixture of things like diodes and cathodes as descriptors. While it makes perfect sense, if this is a dissertation of a living person during that time talking about diodes and sorcerers burned at the stake take me out of the sub. I may not know the rest of the world though and it might be appropriate.
All said I like the tone and voice and it is a very thorough description that I found quite complete. Nothing crazy cool or anything but it does a great job describing a rather abstract concept. Ether would prob get a 3.5 or so from me just because it is a great, solid sub.
Hope that helps! Great read!
Is it a Register or Obeilisk? Wasn't sure if you were talking about two different things. "dismiss the Register as a natural creation" sort of tells me that it is dismissed as a natural creation which I am not sure your intent? Are you suggesting it is natural?
All said...I am just simply confused by what it is and what is supposed to do. The Truth Mage part threw me all off as it seems another unexplained tangent. I need to be slowly spoonfed this as I can't readily follow it. Sorry.
Was wondering why there weren't any comments yet. I fear they are being nice right now. Give it a good read. Maybe read it out loud. Many ideas bounce in and out and I had difficulty following the third paragraph. I understand what you are saying in that first sentence...but you aren't saying it.
I don't really see any need for the rape/sex parts at all and it threw the entire sub off for me. What PC party is going to do that? Maybe rape is used as a long ago back story but I have yet to see it used in a game...if I did, well, that would just be weird. I would change that to something more entertaining or difficult to resist. Maybe simply that he always had a deep respect for women so he would be gentlemanny polite to females and that continued in the knife.
Needs a bit of work before you get some attention on it I think.
I do like the premise. Good backstory that holds the item up and all that. Will be good!Go to Comment
Not sure why there aren't any comments but I couldn't take seeing it without anymore.
Fairly basic creationalism with all the race stereotypes. That might be why the lack of comments. I will admit I haven't dug into the others but this just doesn't draw me in. There is no hook or uniqueness that really sets it apart and it makes it difficult to comment on.
I am certain once I dig farther there will be those things, but this main post doesn't draw me in.