A crazed leper is forcefully begging and trying to grab the players cloak to kiss> He seems legitimately sincere in his humbled comments and blissfully unaware that anything is wrong with him> After being treated rudely for a couple minutes he will suddenly turn crazed and lunge with a dagger>
Their drinks have been drugged, but not professionally. They are conscience enough through the drugged haze to realize they are being rolled and robbed. the would be thieves are as inept at fighting as they are with drugs so it isn't that hard to escape...probably.
A branch across the road. A detour through a tight trail with a trip rope. Some obvious signs of artificial camouflage on both sides of the road. Yet nobody is around.
The sound of galloping horses quickly overtake the group. It would be a mini-stampede if it wasn't for the men controlling them. They wield large pikes and menacingly attempt to push the players off the road. If the players resist, it gets physical...fast. Unfortunately for the resisting players, these are the kings men and an even larger entourage plus one each king in a very big hurry.
An interesting substance and pretty darn dangerous in the right circumstances. The signs and plot hooks pulled it all up for me.
Although I am curious if you could smoke or otherwise use the dried portions for something. Was thinking it would be more stable in its dried form and it was missing a use there. Additionally, how could I resist the thought of collecting some in pottery jugs with an ignition source and tossing them over the wall to burst into a chemical gas attack.
(For readability, I would prefer it broken up a bit so that it is easier to reference if I was to use it. It is difficult to slog through the large paragraphs to find, say what a high concentration would do and its separate stages of growth etc.) Go to Comment
With the reformat it is definitely easier to find and read! Good work with the changes. I must still agree it might be a little too heavy on the information but perhaps not. I think what is missing is a unique voice that most subs have. It is so drenched in detail that your creative style isn't coming out in it. Perhaps that is what I am sensing. But it is a great idea, just missing a little flair. I think each submission here requires fifteen pieces of flair. ;) Go to Comment
Oh boy, I am liking this idea...A LOT. Mana, yeah, OK but this ore thing is a fascinating idea. When you hit surface-ore I physically moved closer to the monitor.
Can't wait to see how it is used in the world! I think the concepts will become much clearer and make this make more sense. Now, I am intrigued and want more and will almost immediately go to your next sub I noticed.
(PS. My inner hope is that every bold word/phrase will eventually be linked to another sub. :) ) Go to Comment
Not sure what is happening as I had no issue editing it or expanding. When you paste from an outside program, use the buttons instead of just pasting. There are three Paste, Paste from Plain Text and Paste From Word. Try one of those next time as the software does some cleaning and paragraph formatting stuff for you. Also, when you edit, try and click on source and that should allow you to get to the bottom of a few things. When you use source you can see how odd the formatting is of your submissions from using a mix of paragraph, divs and line breaks. Normally all you should need is a nice paragraph tag around each paragraph. So the pasting is probably the root of the problem. Go to Comment
I understand your reasoning for finally joining! It matches the purpose we made the site in the first place.
Overall it was a great, bitter tale with an interesting twist at the end.
There are some small inconsistencies (he couldn't fathom 5000 years but you said he ruled for 3000 years for instance) and the thy's and thou's are more disrupting than mood setting to me, especially when the writing doesn't really conform to the usage (and doesn't use thine or thee instead of thou) without the rest being written towards that style. There is a certain change in language cadence when you use those words but these seem more a search & replace. It would do better without them. But practice makes perfect and I am thrilled you were brave and shared!
Overall it was a quick entertaining read for certain! Was happy to read it and greatly enjoyed it.
To further impress us, you may want to write another sub with the description of the Star Blade, the creation through the destruction, and that would be cool. Go to Comment