Don't take it personally, Raptyr! We very much appreciate the time you took to put in a submission. Most of us witheld our votes because we want you to succeed and are looking forward to continued interaction! PM us if you don't want to reply publically or refute our opinions if you think we are wrong. We thrive on feedback and are only trying to help so please don't take it any other way.
I might be wrong on this account and am happy to be corrected, but I almost see this as 3+ different submissions that would do well to be linked together but each would probably stand well on their own.
The first, obviously, being the description of the magic and ether. That sub ended for me around where the description of the Sorcerer and The Choosing started up. With a tiny bit of work to separate them, that could be its own post and simply linked to from this one on the ether. Psionics would be the third that can be alluded to as another force available.
The only other critical critique is the mixture of things like diodes and cathodes as descriptors. While it makes perfect sense, if this is a dissertation of a living person during that time talking about diodes and sorcerers burned at the stake take me out of the sub. I may not know the rest of the world though and it might be appropriate.
All said I like the tone and voice and it is a very thorough description that I found quite complete. Nothing crazy cool or anything but it does a great job describing a rather abstract concept. Ether would prob get a 3.5 or so from me just because it is a great, solid sub.
Hope that helps! Great read!
Is it a Register or Obeilisk? Wasn't sure if you were talking about two different things. "dismiss the Register as a natural creation" sort of tells me that it is dismissed as a natural creation which I am not sure your intent? Are you suggesting it is natural?
All said...I am just simply confused by what it is and what is supposed to do. The Truth Mage part threw me all off as it seems another unexplained tangent. I need to be slowly spoonfed this as I can't readily follow it. Sorry.
Was wondering why there weren't any comments yet. I fear they are being nice right now. Give it a good read. Maybe read it out loud. Many ideas bounce in and out and I had difficulty following the third paragraph. I understand what you are saying in that first sentence...but you aren't saying it.
I don't really see any need for the rape/sex parts at all and it threw the entire sub off for me. What PC party is going to do that? Maybe rape is used as a long ago back story but I have yet to see it used in a game...if I did, well, that would just be weird. I would change that to something more entertaining or difficult to resist. Maybe simply that he always had a deep respect for women so he would be gentlemanny polite to females and that continued in the knife.
Needs a bit of work before you get some attention on it I think.
I do like the premise. Good backstory that holds the item up and all that. Will be good!Go to Comment
Not sure why there aren't any comments but I couldn't take seeing it without anymore.
Fairly basic creationalism with all the race stereotypes. That might be why the lack of comments. I will admit I haven't dug into the others but this just doesn't draw me in. There is no hook or uniqueness that really sets it apart and it makes it difficult to comment on.
I am certain once I dig farther there will be those things, but this main post doesn't draw me in.
Yeah, basically...I want more!!
You had me hooked. Awesome intro and great mood set. Now I just want a few details on how you invision it and how to use. As is I can definitely do some things with it but I want your spin. On target, just want to be spoon fed a little bit more! Feed me more blood!
Random thoughts: Wonder why the god didn't come back and save his loyal priests or put some kind of order against their killing. But it could always be said that the god was in a juvenile temper and made his curse in haste...but then that is not a very worthy god if he didn't try to correct his mistakes. Followers dying might not be the greatest propaganda.
As for getting new bodies for their armor, would think they might want to shed the body once it started getting hard to manage (falling apart). It would make sense, if they are intelligent, that they would place themselves (armor) somewhere they will be picked up and utilized in a rather quick manner. So was thinking that they would have some means to throw off the body away from the armor. Finding empty armor might be more appealing to some than one with random body parts in it....maybe. :) Otherwise I would work the buddy system. Need a new body, go get one and have a friend help put you on it.
#22 Just because it is called The Sword of Dragon Slaying doesn't mean it will.
#23 Don't challenge a GMs ruling with a rule. GM is always right and he will prove it to you the hard way if you wish.
#24 Never trust that the dead are dead...even when they are burned and their ashes are scattered to the four winds.
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#25 Magic doesn't play favorites. Get out of the way of anybody trying a new spell or testing a new item.