I don't like the path this conversation is taking.
I didn't take axle's comments to be too accusatory. More that he fixed the issue and was requesting a comment on the actual content vs. his spelling. (From my recollection, he admitted posting this while joining the Drunk Guild). Don't correct me if I am wrong axle. ;)
The interwebs does not transfer context or the intention of the comments very well. Go to Comment
Wow. That is some powerful magic without much defense against it! Would the person instantly age or would it be a slow, cumulative affect that has the chance of being stopped somehow?
I generally don't like instant kill weapons, if you scaled it down a lot, say dump the centuries and take it to years, it would be more fun to use and more fun in gaming. Having the possibility of it going up or down would also be pretty sweet. The fountain of youth with the danger of aging too.
Either way, I think you concentrate too much on the aging and not enough on the weapon and the actual use of it.
I do love the idea of it causing the birth of a dragon though, that is an outstanding idea!
Going to withhold my vote as well because this needs some work, but there are quite a few good ideas in there!
With me being dumb and all (and while I enjoy riddles in game, when I read them I am impatient and want the answer almost immediately) I would love if you told us the time that each one describes with a short explanation, if not obvious.
With a group, I think they would be able to figure this out with a little skill which is about perfect for a dungeon crawl. I like it! Go to Comment
The only part that confused me (and it is probably just me) is when you say armor defeating weapons are its weakness and then say "critical threshold effectively doubled". This, to me, reads that it is twice as hard for armor piercing bullets to get through it. It seems like you meant to say that the commercial armor max puncture threshold for piercing bullets is half of their max? Go to Comment
Well, I can see something in there but nothing happens until halfway through the conversation. I think if you took the idea out of it and made it into an article it would actually work.
As it is I don't think a chat copy and paste is an appropriate submission Pieh. There is too much nothingness and chatter in it to make it worth the read.... Take out the meat and edit it up though and you might have something. As it is though... Go to Comment
Oekaki explains it and I have a new respect for it. It is a little rough in parts and some of the flow is confusing but all is forgiven in the context of Oekaki.
I was really getting pissed off at this guy through the story and I am very happy you saved the explanation to the end. That brought the main theme together and allowed me to rethink the tale yet again! Go to Comment
I like the progression of paladins and to know they are all corrupted or being corrupted is probably the main idea I came away with. Otherwise it is a bit confusing and not fully explained so after a single read I really don't understand quite a bit of it still.
So the sword gives them evil powers somehow that corrupt them? If a paladin doesn't wield the sword, are they still affected? I guess my main confusion is in the "deception" because I just don't get how it works. And the link to the throne seems important but not really revealed...as well as the spirits around it. Seemed cool, but didn't get those either. The children are the Paladins?
Seems like there is a cool idea there, but I just can't put it all together in my head with the evidence given. Sorry. I didn't even get the euthenizing part, although I see it where that could have came from.
I need some of it written with big letters and crayon for me. Go to Comment
Probably because I see it less as a cult than I do the opposing view points of the two deities they worship. To be a cult, there is usually a unified concept but when you allow any and all gods then that unification is quickly lost.
So my comment was concentrating more on the acts of worshiping two different deities and how that would play out. I don't need as much as axle mentions but hearing more on how they would actually balance it would go a long way to understanding your concept of it. Go to Comment
I thought of the villian Two-Face where he sometimes flips a coin to decide a way forward. I sort of saw the cultists doing that kind of thing to decide on their reaction.
I could see this as being fun. You play it off as a kind of hobby of the bored and such, which is an awesome way to portray it IMHO. In that way the rich can dabble in the occult and tell their friends they are in a cult while keeping it all innocent and interesting.
Some may go farther into the discomfort to those that know them so that rumors start to spread and such. But often not too far before they get a correction.
I see some that may go too far though and truly embrace the cult's extreme edges. Those are the ones that slowly spin into darkness and insanity and would be the exception rather than the rule.
I like it and, for me, while you could always add more, if you concentrated a bit more on the core idea and delved into that a bit more, the sub would be a much stronger. Go to Comment
I love the voice and it was very easy to read and made perfect sense right up to the point where they disappeared. At that point the narrative got vague and fast and seemed to leave out some things.
I was hooked and wanted more, and still do. I am a surface reader and don't dig too deep into it but it did change gears rather drastically. I was very curious which god won the bet? It seems like one cheated by moving them to a different place.
And, yes, you do need to go into the cannibalism and how that transfered over, more as well as why their is a specific outfit for the Scourge...and how it went from Reaver to Scourge. So much juicy stuff that we just get a taste of.
Not one of your best Cheka but an interesting series of developments.
I see what you are working towards but the justification and fleshing out of the actions and how they work just don't pull me all the way through. It almost seemed as if you had a core idea that was the violent uprising and then forced some puzzle pieces around it that didn't quite fit.
This topic is a big piece to bite off and a difficult one to pull off. I see what you are doing and commend you on giving it a solid shot! Go to Comment
This is one heck of a critique axle. It seems that you somehow latch onto something obtuse and cerebrally pick it to death even if it doesn't have much relevance to the actual submission. A simple, "this would fit a plot better" would have been plenty and then giving a little love to a wonderful piece of work.
I think the rule that would help you is for every critique, you should say two things nice about submissions. Go to Comment
Awesome. This is almost exactly how I ended up joining a cult. Small steps, better rewards, before I knew it I released a greater demon. Small world!
This is even better since it can so seamlessly be added to any evil adventure. No time limits and the tasks they are given could be accordianed as needed to fit a campaign. Fantastic.
It is really a perfect adventure template to help weave almost anything into another story. Get two or three of these twisting in and out of each other and you have an awesomely cohesive, world-spanning adventure with plenty of layers and side-quests available. I absolutely love the setup!
And, I agree, it probably hits the plot category better. Go to Comment