I love the voice and it was very easy to read and made perfect sense right up to the point where they disappeared. At that point the narrative got vague and fast and seemed to leave out some things.
I was hooked and wanted more, and still do. I am a surface reader and don't dig too deep into it but it did change gears rather drastically. I was very curious which god won the bet? It seems like one cheated by moving them to a different place.
And, yes, you do need to go into the cannibalism and how that transfered over, more as well as why their is a specific outfit for the Scourge...and how it went from Reaver to Scourge. So much juicy stuff that we just get a taste of.
Not one of your best Cheka but an interesting series of developments.
I see what you are working towards but the justification and fleshing out of the actions and how they work just don't pull me all the way through. It almost seemed as if you had a core idea that was the violent uprising and then forced some puzzle pieces around it that didn't quite fit.
This topic is a big piece to bite off and a difficult one to pull off. I see what you are doing and commend you on giving it a solid shot! Go to Comment
This is one heck of a critique axle. It seems that you somehow latch onto something obtuse and cerebrally pick it to death even if it doesn't have much relevance to the actual submission. A simple, "this would fit a plot better" would have been plenty and then giving a little love to a wonderful piece of work.
I think the rule that would help you is for every critique, you should say two things nice about submissions. Go to Comment
Awesome. This is almost exactly how I ended up joining a cult. Small steps, better rewards, before I knew it I released a greater demon. Small world!
This is even better since it can so seamlessly be added to any evil adventure. No time limits and the tasks they are given could be accordianed as needed to fit a campaign. Fantastic.
It is really a perfect adventure template to help weave almost anything into another story. Get two or three of these twisting in and out of each other and you have an awesomely cohesive, world-spanning adventure with plenty of layers and side-quests available. I absolutely love the setup!
And, I agree, it probably hits the plot category better. Go to Comment
Yes, that is exactly what I am saying. The theology of the cult really doesn't have a whole lot of relevance to me in the process of following the plot. The answering of any of your posed questions would require an entirely new submission to flesh out for little or no extra value to this idea.
This site is a place for the sharing and celebration of each other's ideas. What threw me off was your expectation for a graduate level discourse on theology and divination and critique on the proper development of a belief system...all for a fun roleplaying idea.
I want a cool idea that is fun to run and this one fits the bill fabulously. I just can't comprehend that your expectations are so lofty that you actually expect these things to be answered. Go to Comment
Fantastic idea! I love the idea of praying to yourself and asking for your own forgiveness or whatever they end up doing.
Can you grant yourself magic or powers? That is a tangent I want to explore! :) Can you imagine asking yourself for stuff and then deciding if you should give yourself something? How fun is that? Go to Comment
Most people do things for selfish reasons (if only to feel good about themselves) but this goes way above and beyond your normal do-gooder. I see that each person could have their own reason, but what offer could the cult give them to actually join it?
I love that they are willing to do anything in the cult to gather information. That is awesome. With that, my thought was that violent criminals would be able to join it to do "good" while still satisfying their own innate evil. The benefit being that the cult status and ends justifying the means would provide them immunity to the law for their deeds in the name of the cult. Go to Comment
I think it might have scrambled my brain and I feel like my memory was sacrificed by the end. :)
I agree with caesar, I would very much prefer a wrap-up to pull these threads together so I understand what you think I should understand. Maybe put a separator to show what is written post challenge if you don't want to tweak the main submission to keep it pure.
One part that did confuse me. He writes the storm because it will return whereas the murder will not. Which infers that they use the historical "truths" to help with the future? But then the "I have no child" would go counter to previously written "truths" of her having a daughter so I am not sure how that balances. Seems to me that the cultists, once their "truths" are filed would mean nothing to them since they are in the moment so the use of the storm wouldn't be useful at all, they are just recorders. And wouldn't other recorders want to document the loss of a child as their interest? How many are there? Just caught me as confusing. Crayons, I like some things written in small words and crayons.
Also, as val mentioned, it is more of a fiction piece as it doesn't really give us anything to use as a society, while it definitely entertains. Go to Comment
I don't think it needs the nitty-gritty, just a little more to make it cohesive and self-sustaining. Right now it leaves more questions than it answers. I would prefer a single, well-defined unanswered question about the heredity cycle or how they became civilized vs. trying to figure out all the rest as well.
I do like it, it is just complex in its current state. Go to Comment
Not sure I would use this for the PCs but definitely something they come across in a game. Great level of detail and a crazy thing to to be working against. With a little work, it can be put in almost any genre too when it comes down to it.
Only a few of us are trusted in this enchanted world, playthings of the gods. If we win this game we will get xxxx reward. Whatever.
What would be really insane is if they do get some kind of special power (even perceived through the power of persuasion) that propagates their belief. Like they learn faster, get stronger than normal etc. Things that may happen anyway with their training/learning but seems enhanced by the brainwashing....or is it real?
Like reading a news article right out of your cosmic era. More like an underground paper that tries to tell the history without embellishing while the main media outlets would continue to sensationalize everything. Go to Comment
Seems like I got to it after a lot of edits because I think this is a great NPC. I haven't read the linked plot yet, but I don't have to in order to enjoy the use I could get out of this person.
As is, he is an honorable knight thrown from his order and now an escaped convict. Still honorable from what I gather here, with a past he needs to hide out of necessity. Shouldered with guilt and probably with a need to track down the truth and clear his name he will always have an alternate, primary motivation besides what the PCs may expect from him. A very nice background for a complicated NPC.
You could use the betrayed background to good effect in many ways and, while the initial setup is specific with the knights of thrul and all that, it would be a very simple thing to make it fit in almost any game.
I like the idea of him coming to the rescue of the PCs in some woodland encounter where they need help and are grateful for his intervention. He still has too much honor to allow the bandits to attack innocents. After he saves them he is very protective over information they carry and/or trying to keep one alive to question. He may go out of his way to keep some alive too with the guilt of his past deed haunting him. He could care less about the gold but if any is found he could be way too curious about it causing some initial discomfort with the PCs.
After the encounter he could protect them some more, show them some safe paths and generally get them on their way. Then one night he may just disappear without a word leaving the players confused. If they travel the woods around this area he could reappear or they could learn who he really is. Go to Comment
Could almost turn this person into a Robin Hood type character. Living off the land, chasing bandits and saving or assisting caravans or local peasants. Always the priority is trying to clear his name. The common folk that live in the woods see him as their own personal hero just by happen-chance and probably don't know anything about the issues he is going through. All they know is that he keeps roads safe and often times throws some goods their way that he gets from the encounters. He is after the truth, anything else is just not needed by the honorable knight. Go to Comment
Reads like a nice convoluted plan that is complex enough to leave plenty of room for PC interaction yet easy enough to follow. Not sure I could add anything without knowing which way you are intending to go with it. But as far as that, it seems you have a solid plan for it all already. Go to Comment
Forget it as an encounter piece, I want to give it to my son as a mapping puzzle just to play. I only now think I understand it as I have only read it (a couple times) and haven't gotten too deep into following the maze through it. This is bookmarked with the other game Four Forges: A simple board game played by Dwarves to try at home.
Very impressed with the graphics and their readability. Very well done!! Go to Comment