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The Subtle Knife
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Combat)
Shadoweagle's comment on 2005-03-09 06:39 AM
Oh? Well that sucks then. I hope the BOOK, at least, was good. Go to Comment
Damian Levine
NPCs  (Minor)   (Combative)
Shadoweagle's comment on 2005-03-08 04:51 PM
In that case, the character will stay for now :) I'll just pick out a couple things, even though they've already been mentioned.


Paragraphing.
- The best way to keep someone interested and reading is not a riveting story, or a dramatic twist. A simple technique to make someone WANT to read your words is what is called 'white space'. I'll give you an example, taken from Moons critisisms :P. Which are you more inclined to read? The same text just below, or moonhunters text?


1)Spacing between paragraphs. Your post is one large block of text and difficult to read. 2) Sentence structure. *cringe* While you punctuate and follow rules of spelling and capitalization, if you slog through the format, the character is still hard to read. 3)There is no real explanation for the magical cybernetic experients performed on this guy. There is no pyramid of support for this oddness. 3b) The story is choppy. There is little in the transitions. If he is an escaped experiement, why are they not collecting their work - so nobody else know about it? 3c) So he has no real family, only an adopted one. Where does he get all this genetic? prowess for figthing from. He could of been a farmer's child... There is no explanation. 3d)Its vamperic and probably against the law in most civilized areas. And yet how does it a) continue to live and b) live a lawful life? 3e) So the people who hire it are willing to overlook its odd abilities and appetites... who would do that... and why hire him when you can hire so many other monsters to do the same thing... for less? 3f) Choppy transition between "scenes". The information is just dumped in the text with little to no explanation. *cringe* 4) There is no characterization for him. How does the world respond to this monster? If he wasn't a pc, some PCs would just hunt him down and kill him for the eps. 5) You have committed some of the cardnial sins of character creation. You have an uberpowerful loner with no living connection to the world. Even though he is a good fighter and tracker, a) what city would let him in their walls, b) what good would all this gold be if nobody let him spend it in a civilized place, (villages would all run when her arrived) He is an orphan. Sigh. 6) His motivations are "He became the greatest bouty hunter in the world, and lives in a manor away from civilization in an unknown location. He hates lords, and the Knighs that serve them. He has become a sociopath, and is known to kill those who anger him. He doesnt help people, and is a loner, saying that they wouldnt need help if they werent weak." With little to no explanation. So he is a hermit? Only Lord and such would hire him as a bounty hunter... so who is paying his bills. No servants. He would kill them for being a) weak, b) normal, and c) angering him. So.....

------------------

The answer, of course, is moonhunters, because it is spaced. It makes the reader feel more comfortable, than slogging through a swamp of text.
Next!

Cliches.
- Some people may have been in the roleplaying industry longer than you, and as such, that DOES make it harder to know what is a cliche and what is your original idea.
I mean, I've come up with what I thought were priceless gems of ideas, just to have Moon or Strolen or Manfred shake their heads and say "Isn't this an awful lot like ... ?"

So, in summary, I'll point out the cliches which I think are most apparant in your post.
- Orphan. (Probably the most common one. My first character was an orphan and I got blasted for it! :D The worst thing that you can do, is probably create an orphan bent on revenge.)
- Metal arm with weapon. (Im not sure about the others, but I've seen a few fellows around with this style thing. Its not necessarily a BAD thing to put with a character, just be wary.)
- Amalganation of animal parts. (Believe it or not, this is also done fairly often :) The most typical replaced animal parts on humans, tend to be horns and wings, and sometimes sharp teeth. I do find it interesting on how mixed up this character is, however :D I can just imagine a god sitting over his kitchen bench, throwing animals of all sorts into a giant blender.)
- All-powerful loner. (Yup. I've made one of these before, though that was before my citadel time, really. The powerful loner class isn't necessarily a bad path to take, of course! But once again, be careful not to make it fall in with all the other powerful loners.)


Anywho, thats enough dribble from me. I'll give this character a 2/5, to state exactly what the 2/5 mark says. It shows SOME promise.
Give it a lot of revision, read over the 4-5 rated posts in the Citadel, and re-zap it, and I'm sure it will be an improvement.

And don't be discouraged! Every one of us has made submissions which we thought were great, but were met with critisism. Go to Comment
Sheild Of Light
Items  (Armor)   (Magical)
Shadoweagle's comment on 2005-03-03 11:00 PM
Alrighty :)

interesting idea - I havent been immersed in the roleplaying scene as much as some of the others in this site, but I don't think i've heard of - let alone thought of - a defensive item which destroys weapons. Now! Onto the critique.

Spelling is fine, but keep an eye on sentence structure. Your entire middle paragraph is one long sentence. If in doubt, read it aloud and see if you run out of breath :)

An item to brighten places and blind evil creatures has been done before many times in different forms.

The destruction of weapons is almost over-powerful, though it has been capped slightly by still allowing projectiles and magic a chance to hit. Even still, perhaps putting a limit on it would be wise? Maybe it can only destroy a certain amount of weapons before It must be given time to rest?

I can 'see' this item though. I can imagine a great troll swinging a mighty axe at a warrior. The warrior brings up his puny shield as though to defend himself. A faint glint of light is seen, and the blade of the axe appears to melt away (also lightening the weapon and causing the troll to stumble off balance.)

As such, its a 3/5 for me. As the vote says, its an 'Alright idea'. Not bad at all, but could be better with some more time and thought.

Oh, and it's spelled shield. Go to Comment
The Devils Luck
Items  (Other)   (Magical)
Shadoweagle's comment on 2005-02-25 06:45 PM
Oh goody - Another 'Pass' for me! Thanks for comments :) Go to Comment
Michaela Reed
NPCs  (Extras)   (Combative)
Shadoweagle's comment on 2005-01-07 08:49 PM
Okey Dokey, Mick, Let me try and help you out a bit here :)

First, I'll have to agree with the captain: Try to avoid the 'X' Killed 'Y's family, so 'Y' now becomes a fighter. When it was first made, Im sure that idea was a gem, but now its so overused it just grinds on most peoples nerves.

Next! Try to develop your character more deeply and more realistically. What we see here is just a surface picture, and as such, isnt that interesting.
Lets say we DID stick with the whole Raiders story. After seeing her family slain, Id expect a child to develop psychological disorders.

Either way, the character is your own, so develop it how you like.

What will get you high marks is originality and detail. I suggest taking a look at some of the 4 and 5 voted characters on this site to see the kind of depth we like :)

In all, I'll give this a 2/5, because it DOES show promise, at least, even if it is quite bland.

Oh, And contrary to the Captain, I don't much mind the name :P

Good luck in future submissions Go to Comment
Shadoweagles Twisted Christmas
Items  (Jewelry)   (Magical)
Shadoweagle's comment on 2004-12-11 02:07 AM
A fairly safe item, considering I made it, but greed can do a lot of things :)

I posted this early because Im going away on holidays from the 16th and might not get on to post.

Have a good christmas, everyone. Go to Comment
Shadoweagles Twisted Christmas
Items  (Jewelry)   (Magical)
Shadoweagle's comment on 2012-11-24 09:20 PM
Going by the time the stores around here have started playing christmas carols, you're late by about 2 weeks :p But Hurrah anyway! Go to Comment
Shadoweagles Twisted Christmas
Items  (Jewelry)   (Magical)
Shadoweagle's comment on 2013-12-20 07:52 PM
This got a far higher score than it deserved :p oh well.

have a great Christmas, one and all! Go to Comment
Generational Stone
Items  (Other)   (Campaign Defining)
Shadoweagle's comment on 2004-12-11 07:17 PM
Quite intriguing. I've been tossing back and forth between a 4/5 and a 5/5 for a couple minutes, but this time, I think its worth a:

5/5

These Uluun soung interesting. May be interesting to learn more about them. Go to Comment
The Black Spear
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Campaign Defining)
Shadoweagle's comment on 2004-12-03 07:39 AM
0/5! Terrible! Shocking! Ugh! ...

er, wait, wrong page.

5/5! Love it! Very nice!

Personally, I'd give it a 4.5 of 5, but since there is no such value, and the score is ALREADY 4.50/5 i'll round it up for you ;)
I like the background of this item. We all know I like the whole 'Dark gods' and 'hidden evil' type thing :)

If this hidden god was as twisted and evil as the dragons, as is said ("a sacred shrine to a god as dark and terrible as the dragons themselves"), I can't help but think that there is to be some sort of twist which will come into play somewhere along the lines.

Hmm, as a matter of fact, I'd like to talk with you sometime, Scras, about making that world. A world with a history of dark dragons, with a malevolant evil god, and an array of good gods who just arent as powerful... Anywho, t'will be thought on! Go to Comment
The Black Spear
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Campaign Defining)
Shadoweagle's comment on 2004-12-03 08:54 AM
'usually' is BORING, Manfred! :O Why NOT make a dark, occult world ruled by an evil lord. A world where people are unexplainedly stricken with plaque or illness. Where madness and mutation is common, and even the great heros have to pay homage to the dark god, or else they may have things happen to them!?

So power tree would be as follows from best:

Dark God
Ancient (and rare, since most are dead) dragons, now living in fear of the dark god.
Greater gods of good.
Lesser (and still rare) dragons.
Greatest magi in the Lands.
Lesser gods of good.
Average magi.
Human population.
___________________________

Ok, Im getting inspired :) Tomorrow I might make a post in the setting forge and get this thing going :D Thanks for the inspiration, oh Scrasified one!
___________________________

And Im thinking more of the greater, dark god bieng ruler over the universe, but focusing on this world currently, and the good gods having travelled to this world to watch over it, and perhaps offer some respite from the fury of the greater god (though they cannot do enough to stop the dark god alone.) Im thinking the humans werent created by any god, but evolved or something, and the gods simply attach themselves to worlds. If a world is destroyed, the hop to another world to try and save (or destroy) it. Nomadic gods!

Man, Ideas bristling! Im gonna go sleep on this ^^ Go to Comment
The Black Spear
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Campaign Defining)
Shadoweagle's comment on 2004-12-03 06:45 PM
THAT DOES IT!!!!!! ><

IM POSTING THIS DAMNED WORLD! Go to Comment
Lillafein
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Heroic)
Shadoweagle's comment on 2004-11-22 04:24 AM
A fair, average post, Razalic. Though I'd like to note to you that this site is for Roleplayers and especially Game Moderators, and as such, we need detail and the 'hiddens' to be revealed.

"it will not willingly let the user die. Its methods of protection are yet to be known."

Even if you were to post as a side note that 'the method of protection should be unrevealed to the players', it would be good if you could post exactly what this item does.

All in all - Decent item, limited background. Perhaps flesh it out a little?

3/5 Go to Comment
Dan the Dastardly Dog
NPCs  (Minor)   (Criminal/Espionage)
Shadoweagle's comment on 2013-05-04 11:59 PM
Good for a chuckle - you can easily imagine Dan strutting along the streets in all his canine glory. Take the animal aspects away from it and he's a fairly straight-forward standard misunderstood hero; but the animal aspect actually adds a lot more to it.

This feels slightly 'Vash-the-stampede'ish, though less steampunky. Go to Comment
Dan the Dastardly Dog
NPCs  (Minor)   (Criminal/Espionage)
Shadoweagle's comment on 2013-05-05 12:00 AM
Good for a chuckle - you can easily imagine Dan strutting along the streets in all his canine glory. Take the animal aspects away from it and he's a fairly straight-forward standard misunderstood hero; but the animal aspect actually adds a lot more to it.

This feels slightly 'Vash-the-stampede'ish, though less steampunky.
Go to Comment
puppy dog tail's suit
Items  (Clothes)   (Magical)
Shadoweagle's comment on 2004-09-26 08:52 PM
I actually like this :)
What if someone put this coat on someone else while they were sleeping? :]

4/5 Go to Comment
Shadows Curse
Items  (Melee Weapons)   (Combat)
Shadoweagle's comment on 2004-09-23 08:02 PM
Though I will admit that the captain does do things a little harshly, critisism is the best way for someone to improve themselves. And to get no critisism from Captainpenguin is a difficult task indeed - its practically his mission to seek out any little thing that is wrong with it and bicker on it ;)

So this is what I say
To the Captain: A little construction in that critisism would help keep members around :P

To M0s0g: Dont take the captains ramblings to heart, and understand that not everyone posts a perfect post every time. Learn from this and move on, experiment with new posts. This site is here for information and entertainment, so have fun with it. Go to Comment
the Upheld Lantern
Items  (Home/ Personal)   (Cursed)
Shadoweagle's comment on 2004-09-16 08:50 PM
Oh great, you got Scras started again *rolls eyes*

Er, anywho. I like the danger behind this item, and especially the way the candle relights itself, though it seems more at home in a book or especially a movie, than a roleplay :P

"The lantern dropped to the floor with an audible 'clang' reverberating off the wide walls of the chamber. All the inhabitants were silent as that sound rushed past them, and all watched in fear as the flickering of the candlelight inexorably died. Two slow, life-long seconds of silence ensued, before the room was filled with screams of agony and flames. It took only another three seconds until the room was silent again, now a forgotten chamber filled with charred bones. Forgotten - on the floor - the unlit lantern lay. But then a faint spark and, as though fueled by the souls consumed by its fire, the lantern flickered weakly back into life."

I must say 10 miles would have been too much, but 100 feet is good. Still, If I were a GM, I'd definately be hesitant about putting this in a game - it would take just one foolish PC to pick up then drop this lantern, killing the rest of the players and ending your game early :P

Still, I give it a 4/5 for the good story Go to Comment
Lenses of Llorn
Items  (Other)   (Magical)
Shadoweagle's comment on 2004-09-13 05:19 AM
Sounds like a plan, Echo, I'll get right on it :P

er... or maybe I wont, we'll see. Either way, I think this deserves a steady 4/5 Go to Comment
Chimeric Ring
Items  (Jewelry)   (Magical)
Shadoweagle's comment on 2004-09-02 08:38 PM
Awesome. I might argue that the benefits are a bit over-powerful, but then, who is completely virtuous, eh? After all, even a righteous man may have a moment where he considers taking more than his fare share in the gold.

Can a man have some qualities and some detriments? for example, what if someone is not greedy nor lecherous, but gets impatient with people easily? can they become dragon-strong, immune to poison and kill everyone he dislikes? Sounds like a good, powerful villian to me. Perhaps a king - elected for his great qualities, but feared for his ruthlessness when dealing with those who oppose him.

Also, what if someone has a change of heart throughout life? Can a curse become a gift, and vice-versa if the people change from good to bad?

In spite of these couple questions, i give this a definite 5/5. I commend your efforts!

I take it that the first animal is the Chimaera then. I look forward to seeing the other 11. Go to Comment
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