In answer to Moons question of why people would make them, I'll steal Scrasamax's view and also expand on it :P
- Aspect stones were around almost from the beginning of written history, and as such this form of magic was the first of its kind.
- The permanency of the Aspect stones makes them valuable: They can lie around for millenia and still be as potent as when they were first created. Additionally, Non-magic users can wear them for the same effect.
- Now, shapeshifting as I understand it (This is just my view, mind you.), involves magically altering ones form to gain the abilities of something which isn't naturally a part of them. The aspect stones, on the other hand, ingrain the very bieng of another creature into them, essentially MAKING those abilities a permanent part of them... if you understand my meaning. The result is basically the traits and the knowledge on how to use those traits. Instinct.
And the over-excessiveness on the crafting process is as you said, moon - to make the item a rare thing. Amongst other things, a mage capable of creating a stone is a symbol of power and dedication. These are powerful pieces of arcanery, and are meant to be rare and forboding to those who know what they are.
But enough of my rambling! Appreciate the comments. Go to Comment
This is not a great magical item with an intricate background simply because it does not NEED to be a great magical item with an intricate background. A simple story which is complete in itself, and a nice item to boot. 5/5 Go to Comment
Contrary to Monuments post, I find this great - not as a roleplay in itself, but merely as a side-track in a roleplay - A scene. If your adventurers are just travelling through to get to some other destination, they have the choice of staying to investigate this murder, or just spending the night and moving on (Adventurers aren't obligated to solve EVERYTHING, after all!). Advantages of finishing this "Quest", if you will, is that they may come into posession of their own Grasping hand, which could serve them well in future.
If they choose not to solve this mystery? Well, if they come back after their adventures, they may find half the town murdered by the "Kin Strangler".
4/5 For an adaptable plot. Go to Comment
First of all, i'd like to say Congrats on yer first post, and welcome to the citadel, Knight. Now! On to the item.
In terms of spelling and grammar, not too bad - perhaps you should read over some of the things you write to make sure it fits, but all in all, it's not bad.
I agree completely with Moonhunters no.2 point - I enjoyed reading of the battle between the two great powers, and seeing Corus's own sword turn against him. This is a great historical item with a mythological background - I could see drunken 'heros' talking about it in taverns. But this is never the weapon that could ever be wielded by a player, or their enemies. The sword should always be there, but there should never be a chosen one. It's nice as a physical aid to a religion, perhaps.
Now, there IS an interesting 'curse' to the weapon that you could play on: Judgement doesn't care who is wielding it - it judges both sides of the party. If in the first two instances a 'hero' uses that sword and is found on the 'innocent' side, he might start getting a bit cocky. If he then is so arrogant as to think that he could mow through a third enemy when he could easily spare that creatures life and go around it without it knowing, the judgement might find the hero as a sinner. And since it is so powerful, there is no 'second chances' in this. You make the wrong choice, you die. The end.
So anyway, definitely too powerful, but it shows some promise, nonetheless.
Okey then. Like the backstory, like the power, and the thought of the humiliation such emotions might give. Like the fact that the demons can still choose to be cruel and evil. What don't I like about this item?
not too much. :)
One question I have though - how long will they think like a human? I mean, a simple 3-tap and BAM! They have emotions for eternity seems a bit too powerful to me. Perhaps the feelings wear off after a few days? weeks? months? years?
One thing I will bring up - mainly because others will if I don't - is that you should run your posts through a spellchecker before you submit it. The fact that you can spell Precarious and Lecherous, yet mispell plague and impossible suggests your posting was a bit rushed.
Anywho - nicely done all-round. I'm tossed between a 4 and a 5, but in the end, I give it
4/5. Go to Comment
Ok, I like the dull and lifeless form of the non-wielded knife. I like that quite a bit, actually. As though the knife has the latent ability, but requires the lifeforce of a certain human to activate it. It would also be good for smuggling it by those who could detect magic. I may even use that thought, someday.
Apart from that, I don't really like it at all.
Edged weapons which can cut through anything are overdone and overpowerful.
Daggers to cut through dimensions are also done a bit, though not quite as often.
Where did the dagger come from? Why is it magical? How does the knife-bearer lose his finger and thumb when he becomes it?
Anywho. I'd give this a 2.5, but I don't think its quite worth a 3, so I voted a 2/5. Go to Comment
In that case, the character will stay for now :) I'll just pick out a couple things, even though they've already been mentioned.
- The best way to keep someone interested and reading is not a riveting story, or a dramatic twist. A simple technique to make someone WANT to read your words is what is called 'white space'. I'll give you an example, taken from Moons critisisms :P. Which are you more inclined to read? The same text just below, or moonhunters text?
1)Spacing between paragraphs. Your post is one large block of text and difficult to read. 2) Sentence structure. *cringe* While you punctuate and follow rules of spelling and capitalization, if you slog through the format, the character is still hard to read. 3)There is no real explanation for the magical cybernetic experients performed on this guy. There is no pyramid of support for this oddness. 3b) The story is choppy. There is little in the transitions. If he is an escaped experiement, why are they not collecting their work - so nobody else know about it? 3c) So he has no real family, only an adopted one. Where does he get all this genetic? prowess for figthing from. He could of been a farmer's child... There is no explanation. 3d)Its vamperic and probably against the law in most civilized areas. And yet how does it a) continue to live and b) live a lawful life? 3e) So the people who hire it are willing to overlook its odd abilities and appetites... who would do that... and why hire him when you can hire so many other monsters to do the same thing... for less? 3f) Choppy transition between "scenes". The information is just dumped in the text with little to no explanation. *cringe* 4) There is no characterization for him. How does the world respond to this monster? If he wasn't a pc, some PCs would just hunt him down and kill him for the eps. 5) You have committed some of the cardnial sins of character creation. You have an uberpowerful loner with no living connection to the world. Even though he is a good fighter and tracker, a) what city would let him in their walls, b) what good would all this gold be if nobody let him spend it in a civilized place, (villages would all run when her arrived) He is an orphan. Sigh. 6) His motivations are "He became the greatest bouty hunter in the world, and lives in a manor away from civilization in an unknown location. He hates lords, and the Knighs that serve them. He has become a sociopath, and is known to kill those who anger him. He doesnt help people, and is a loner, saying that they wouldnt need help if they werent weak." With little to no explanation. So he is a hermit? Only Lord and such would hire him as a bounty hunter... so who is paying his bills. No servants. He would kill them for being a) weak, b) normal, and c) angering him. So.....
The answer, of course, is moonhunters, because it is spaced. It makes the reader feel more comfortable, than slogging through a swamp of text.
- Some people may have been in the roleplaying industry longer than you, and as such, that DOES make it harder to know what is a cliche and what is your original idea.
I mean, I've come up with what I thought were priceless gems of ideas, just to have Moon or Strolen or Manfred shake their heads and say "Isn't this an awful lot like ... ?"
So, in summary, I'll point out the cliches which I think are most apparant in your post.
- Orphan. (Probably the most common one. My first character was an orphan and I got blasted for it! :D The worst thing that you can do, is probably create an orphan bent on revenge.)
- Metal arm with weapon. (Im not sure about the others, but I've seen a few fellows around with this style thing. Its not necessarily a BAD thing to put with a character, just be wary.)
- Amalganation of animal parts. (Believe it or not, this is also done fairly often :) The most typical replaced animal parts on humans, tend to be horns and wings, and sometimes sharp teeth. I do find it interesting on how mixed up this character is, however :D I can just imagine a god sitting over his kitchen bench, throwing animals of all sorts into a giant blender.)
- All-powerful loner. (Yup. I've made one of these before, though that was before my citadel time, really. The powerful loner class isn't necessarily a bad path to take, of course! But once again, be careful not to make it fall in with all the other powerful loners.)
Anywho, thats enough dribble from me. I'll give this character a 2/5, to state exactly what the 2/5 mark says. It shows SOME promise.
Give it a lot of revision, read over the 4-5 rated posts in the Citadel, and re-zap it, and I'm sure it will be an improvement.
And don't be discouraged! Every one of us has made submissions which we thought were great, but were met with critisism. Go to Comment
interesting idea - I havent been immersed in the roleplaying scene as much as some of the others in this site, but I don't think i've heard of - let alone thought of - a defensive item which destroys weapons. Now! Onto the critique.
Spelling is fine, but keep an eye on sentence structure. Your entire middle paragraph is one long sentence. If in doubt, read it aloud and see if you run out of breath :)
An item to brighten places and blind evil creatures has been done before many times in different forms.
The destruction of weapons is almost over-powerful, though it has been capped slightly by still allowing projectiles and magic a chance to hit. Even still, perhaps putting a limit on it would be wise? Maybe it can only destroy a certain amount of weapons before It must be given time to rest?
I can 'see' this item though. I can imagine a great troll swinging a mighty axe at a warrior. The warrior brings up his puny shield as though to defend himself. A faint glint of light is seen, and the blade of the axe appears to melt away (also lightening the weapon and causing the troll to stumble off balance.)
As such, its a 3/5 for me. As the vote says, its an 'Alright idea'. Not bad at all, but could be better with some more time and thought.
Okey Dokey, Mick, Let me try and help you out a bit here :)
First, I'll have to agree with the captain: Try to avoid the 'X' Killed 'Y's family, so 'Y' now becomes a fighter. When it was first made, Im sure that idea was a gem, but now its so overused it just grinds on most peoples nerves.
Next! Try to develop your character more deeply and more realistically. What we see here is just a surface picture, and as such, isnt that interesting.
Lets say we DID stick with the whole Raiders story. After seeing her family slain, Id expect a child to develop psychological disorders.
Either way, the character is your own, so develop it how you like.
What will get you high marks is originality and detail. I suggest taking a look at some of the 4 and 5 voted characters on this site to see the kind of depth we like :)
In all, I'll give this a 2/5, because it DOES show promise, at least, even if it is quite bland.
Oh, And contrary to the Captain, I don't much mind the name :P