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The Sinking Ring of Ku Pum
Items  (Jewelry)   (Magical)
Scrasamax's comment on 2004-08-16 08:41 AM
everything Shadoweagle said, but with an extra point for the back story of summoning, especially shattering the glass to summon the spirit of the earth.

5/5 Go to Comment
Faye Delivour
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Scrasamax's comment on 2004-08-16 08:48 AM

Callista Miala Moonshadow, and all you name the vengeance seeking elven warrior-princess Faye? My grandmothers name is Faye. She has a good description, and her abilities seem to rather on the heavy side.

She wants revenge for the death of her family, admirable. But aside from that information, we know nothing about her as a person. No individual quirks, likes or dislikes, measurements. What makes her different from the other magic using elven princesses out there in the ether of fantasy? Go to Comment
Knockers Dirty Clothes Place
Locations  (Establishment)   (Any)
Scrasamax's comment on 2004-08-16 07:26 AM
Why would goblins move into a human city? I can think of one very good reason for that, assuming humans can deal with other races living in their cities.

The goblins would be given a status like immigrant workers, they would pick up the lowest jobs. They would haul away waste, dig the graves, and run the hard manual labor jobs. They would also live in the most cramped, and least sanitary portions of the city. Compared to their normal lives (IE in service to evil overlords) this is a huge improvement as no one will be spontaneously killed because the boss had a bad day. Cramped and unsanitary conditions are better than huge communal warrens and holes in the ground. Living in a human city also means that the goblins benefit from shared defence.

Humans relegate the jobs they dont want to the goblins, who are not physically imposing, and easy to accept, especailly in a menail role. The goblins become part of the city, not particulary trusted, and there will certainly be discrimination, and segregation against the goblins. The goblins would still pay taxes, and be held to the same law as everyone else, if a much more strict version.

Every large human city could have a Goblin Quarter where the goblins live and work, and have their own inner community. Goblin markets, goblin restaurants, goblin homes, and merchants who peddle goblin wares.

Depending on the society of the human city, the goblins could be treated like property, or animals, or they could be afforded the full rights and privelages of a full citizen (unlikely in my opinion) Go to Comment
Knockers Dirty Clothes Place
Locations  (Establishment)   (Any)
Scrasamax's comment on 2007-09-06 03:37 PM
I remember this idea being spawned in the old chatroom with Shadoweagle and several other Citadellians, hence the strangness of the last paragraph. As for computer games, the last game I bought for my computer was some Command and Conquer multi-game set. I dont play too many games on the computer, and those I do tend to be RTS games.

My thought? Goblins just sorta fit into the cleaners job. Go to Comment
Knockers Dirty Clothes Place
Locations  (Establishment)   (Any)
Scrasamax's comment on 2007-09-07 03:22 AM
Woot! I got the dibs on laundry-mat goblins! Go to Comment
Darken Glade
Locations  (Regional)   (Forest/ Jungle)
Scrasamax's comment on 2004-08-12 09:55 AM
I have to agree with Moon, this entry is long, almost painfully so. There is good detail and no lacking of plot hooks or other developed ideas. The spacing is disruptive, and with the length, keeps this from being a 5.

To shorten the post, you could make sure not to repeat yourself, as you did in regards to the properties of silver, and iron unpon the fay.

4/5 Go to Comment
Castle Seamus
Locations  (Fortification)   (Water)
Scrasamax's comment on 2004-08-12 09:58 AM
Ditto, Cap'n.

There might have been something with tails as symbols of status, but otherwise, bland.

2/5 Go to Comment
Heart of Ice
Locations  (Tundra/ Arctic)   (Ruins)
Scrasamax's comment on 2004-08-09 05:36 PM
interesting, but I would like to know more about the people who built a fortress out of ice in the middle of a bleak wasteland. Why are there only ghosts left, what sort of knowledge could they impart?

What sort of remains can be found inside the ice keep, or is there naught but ice and cold left, no remnant of bodies, clothing, or the day to day tools of existance?

Not a bad effort.
3/5 Go to Comment
Astria Rayne
NPCs  (Minor)   (Domestic/ Craft)
Scrasamax's comment on 2008-10-11 12:24 AM
It is too long and Capn makes the main points above. I think that the summary is waaaay to long. I doubt there will be any changes made to this sub since it was submitted 4 years ago, and Skylark hasnt returned to the citadel in 3 years. Go to Comment
Charles Champagne
NPCs  (Major)   (Knowledge/Lore)
Scrasamax's comment on 2004-08-10 08:28 AM
There seems to be a good character lurking under here. Aside from collecting souls, and being a consumate scholar/courtier we know nothing about Charles.

Tell us more about him, what he has invented, or a hint of some of his adventures. Perhaps he is akin to the flamboyant Baron von Munchhausen, clad in vivid clothing and spinning tales of adventures of old where he saved the Queen of Chianti in a flying contraption of his own design.

Back to the soul bottles, it is important to know more about his hobby here. Does he think it evil, or an act of posterity, a prison or a continuance of life after death? Who would know of this, does he have any enemies for it?

2/5 Go to Comment
The Artist
NPCs  (Scenario Based)   (Artistic/Performance)
Scrasamax's comment on 2004-08-09 01:29 PM
five fives, I wish you could all see my happy dance!!!! Go to Comment
Trivulo's Compendium
Items  (Books and Scrolls)   (Non-Magical)
Scrasamax's comment on 2006-03-29 02:35 PM
Vengeance is a dish best served cold. I really enjoyed the presentation, and the idea of a book of castles is a novel idea, one that could be the basis of a series of books on fortification, both from military and from fashionable directions. Antique architecture, hiding hidden walls, etc Go to Comment
Ring of Nobody
Items  (Jewelry)   (Magical)
Scrasamax's comment on 2004-08-06 08:26 AM
Okay, I have to applaud this rewrite. I think the band of brigands worshipping the mummified corpse of their 'uncle' is absolutely macabre.

4/5 Go to Comment
The Ice Lands
Locations  (Tundra/ Arctic)   (Country/ State)
Scrasamax's comment on 2004-08-02 04:24 PM
I think rather than waste army after army in failed attempts to hunt down the barbarians, I think these enraged kings would do what Kings do best. Build.

Villages would in short time become fortified, staring with wooden palisades, but building with stone when they can afford it. The king, and the coffers of these kingdoms would be directed to building a defensive line of fortifications and watch towers, perhaps even going as far as the Chinese did and building a great wall against the northern riders.

Raiders would encounter armsmen, mercenaries and trained militias as well as fortifications in the process of being built. We humans are an industrial people, and lacking the protection of the forests, or the mountains, we make due with what we can. Go to Comment
Lady Nadia
NPCs  (Minor)   (Criminal/Espionage)
Scrasamax's comment on 2004-08-01 02:13 AM
If this was fishing, I would say you forgot to put some bait on your hook. Nadia seems to have some potential, but it is unrealized.

Nadia's father was accused of treason. Was he guilty? What were the details of the treason? Another note, how did Nadia escape the Royal guard when everyone else was captured?

There could also be more detail in the ring. Where did her mother acquire it, was it a gift, or was it commisioned, or a family heirloom?

Nadia has a supply of potions and poisons, how does she carry them? A secret pouch, or a padded jewelry box perhaps? How much has she used poison? Does she make it herself, or does she buy it?

Last point here. If Nadia is unbearable and snotty, why would anyone be interesting in helping her, let alone spend any time around her?

2/5 Go to Comment
Baragh son of Lard
NPCs  (Major)   (Religious)
Scrasamax's comment on 2004-07-27 03:48 PM
I like this character, and the fact that is both detailed, and has some personal history as well as a goal.

I would also have to agree with the Cap'n. There are a few pesky spelling errors, and the giant paragraph could use a few breaks.

I do have one question, if he is bipedal, wouldn't a large counterbalancing tail be both cumbersome, and often in the way? I only bring up the point since the tail is an extension of the spine, and a bipedal creature has a vertical spine, forcing a large, and likely rigid tail (If it is used as a counterweight to the upper torso when moving on all fours) directly down.

4/5 Go to Comment
Gold in them thar hills
Plots  (Discovery)   (Single-Storyline)
Scrasamax's comment on 2006-01-29 02:46 PM
Updated: Added Freetext Go to Comment
Locations  (Establishment)   (Any)
Scrasamax's comment on 2006-01-29 02:45 PM
Updated: Added Freetext Go to Comment
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Scrasamax's comment on 2004-07-18 02:39 PM
I agree that he would be clumsy, especially with fine movement and such. Large items, such as weapons, or other things of that nature wouldn't be much of a problem. On the other hand, writing and handling items made of delicate glass, or paper are right out. Go to Comment
NPCs  (Major)   (Combative)
Scrasamax's comment on 2004-07-18 09:57 PM
He is very angry, and bitter over the matter. If he were more of a thinking man, as opposed to a 'crude crusher' he could be psychotic or worse.

The inability to write doesn't mean much to someone who never writes, but loosing the ability to feel something smooth, or supple like skin would be unbearable. To this end, he spends almost every cent he earns on liquor, or on prostitutes. Go to Comment
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