I would have to agree with what the others above have already said. The item is certainly too powerful, especially for their to be potentially 21 of them floating around. I did enjoy the writing, but as Moon said, you should make some notation at the begining to indicate that it is a journal or diary entry of some sort.
I've got this great idea, I'm going to start going around and turning innocent children into grotesque and powerful half monsters after slaughtering their families in front of them. What a cool idea, and then I'll be surprised when the little maggots (apologies to Maggot) show up looking for revenge.
Naw, I'm going to go around and turn all of the innocent children into something ridiculus, like half-parakeets, were-spider monkeys, and...really cute collie dogs that are green.
Why would the wozaerd leave a powerful magic staff that can summon millions of ravens behind for Ravenman (knocked yourself out on that name, didn't ya).
Ravens are popular because they are a symbolic creature, a creature of ill omen, and impending death and doom. Nevermore, if you get the picture Agony. This is munckin revenger redone, and poorly redone at that.
There is a magic item on the cartoon Xiaolin Showdown called the Monkey Staff. So long as the monk has the Monkey Staff, he is as agile as a monkey, but there is a price to be paid. The longer he has the staff, the more monkeylike he begins to act, and he also begins to develop simian features, with a prehensile tail being first. Eventually, he would become a money with a good understanding of Kung-Fu, and refuse to release the Monkey Staff.
Rather than a wandering malicious wizard, perhaps a teenage youth, eaten with teenage angst finds a magical staff and can fly like a raven with it. (Might be better if the McGuffin is an article of clothing like a dashing cloak or somesuch} However, being unpopular with the others, for whatever reason, he is consumed with a cold avian anger for them and attacks them. He is eventually overcome by the spell and becomes the Ravenman, yet somewhere inside the black-eyed killer is the spirit of an unhappy kid who only wanted to be understood and accepted. Go to Comment
I think this would be a good submission to keep in the archives because it is more than a 15 word slap-dash effort. It shows what we give low votes too, and also shows that sometimes we can be a little too heavy with the stick, and not offering enough of the carrot. Reading my comments to Agony makes me want to be a better critiquer, rather than being an abusive critiquer.
I love when one of my older submissions gets dredged up to to the recent comments section. Why Evil? Quite simple actually, and in a single word, Method. The bone stitched is evil because it is a quick and dirty fix. You want massive muscles, you summon it, get chewed up and slapped back together with big bulgy muscles like you wanted.
The 'good' method would be to train, excercise, eat a high protein diet. In short, you earn it, you dont get it for nothing other than a few scars. Go to Comment
Definately shows some promise, filling in the gaps of the missing father could really round out the story. I am curious to know how he has a dragon father when the only dragon 'known' was the blue with the ogres.
the idea is novel, armor of forgetting, but alot might be lost in the presentation. this could be a good sort of cursed item, especially if the DM is an item tracker who keeps copies of back character sheets from previous games.
Of course Bob, you've always had that armor, look it was on your CS from last month... Go to Comment
Fflam prostrates himself upon the cold floor of the citadel, pulling at his ears with the joy he feels at your kindness. Fflam doesnt deserve such kind praise, yes it pleases Fflam that Pariah is pleased with him.
(I forgot about this miserable little fellow. Made me laugh) Go to Comment
Well, both Dobby and Gollum were referenced when I was writting Fflam, but the real idea is portraying the most pathetic of demons, an underling so low that he is generally only summoned by goblins and their ilk and thus is desperate for attention from a real wizard and a chance to regain power lost so long ago he can barely remember it. Go to Comment
Now this is an interesting idea, an enchanted book mark. I guess it is the logical step of a bibliocentric spellcaster. It could get silly, going into enchanted book jackets, and the like, but as it stands, I like the idea.
I'll rank it 3/5 since it is a good idea, but not really fleshed out beyond a basic magic item that a magic user would have. A good backstory and perhaps a point of origin would make it a really outstanding post. Go to Comment
1 point for being more than twenty words long.
1 point for not being blatantly plagiarized.
-1 point for gratuitous and eXCessive spelling and caPiTaLization errors.
-1 point for being a vague and uninteresting demon.
-1 point for Opus Dei (Work of God) employing demon summoning wizards. Shame, for shame!
maybe if there was a pit of bad characters there might not be so many low quality posts like this. We ascribe to the Gold Standard, and refer people to look at the better ranked posts. Maybe it might be easier to point some submitters to the pit and show them what the bad posts look like.
This is a bad post but look how many responces it has generated. Go to Comment
This submission has been in the citadel for 2 years at the time of this update. Since it's inception it has served a purpose and is very well known among Citadel membership. With apologies to Agony, this submission stands as the low water mark. It has every example of being a bad submission, which have already been beaten to death in the commentary above.
This submission has been challenged a number of times (by the same member, I might add) and each time it has emerged again as the prime example of a bad submission. For lack of better language this submission will remain in the Citadel until Agony or Strolen himself decide to remove it and not a moment less.
With Agony returned to the site I hope to see him return to this submission and possibly make some of the changes that were suggested above, but I am fine with it the way it is now. Arrkrash can now be considered 'under my protection' Go to Comment
Among the assortment of organized criminals who live in the great city, few command greater fear the Moonbeard Order.
They of course do not call themselves that, but have earned the moniker from their fashion of dying their large beards with lye to produce a distinctive crescent shape running from earlobe to earlobe. This is meant as a taunt for their enemies, for it clearly outlines their throats.
They also wear garb similar to the northern tribesman, carefully tooled leather and showing multiple, colourful glyphs.
They are feared due to the intense discipline that their group maintains, due to their origins as a warrior-sect.
They serve as paid thugs, enforcers and assassins within the city, with the client simply ordering a service from the organization, not hiring an individual. Apart from making the request and providing payment in full in advance, the order completes the assignment themselves.
Their order has many moles through the organizations of the city, and more than a couple of nobles. As such, no organized move has been made against them since their chief activity is directed against other members of the crime world. It is said that their services have been useful for those in power as well, further protecting them from persecution.
Their religion holds that their time in this world is vanishingly brief, and largely unimportant except as training for the Great Battle.
The order is very utilitarian with weapons choice - they simply use the tool needed for the occasion, though not without having trained extensively with it beforehand. Daggers, garrottes, swords, bows, battle axes, polearms, wagons, even siege engines have been used to carry out their contracts.