This was my 34th submission, when I was still new to the Citadel. It was a different place then, the palate was sepia tone, there were fewer categories and sometimes we could go a week without a new submission being dropped. It seems almost surreal to me that I wrote this almost 3 years ago. Go to Comment
Not a bad effort, but aside from the ebony flute, there is not much different from the standard prodigal son. I do think it seems odd that Alastor's father gave him exactly what he wanted, release from royal duty but with the addition of being disowned from the family.
Perhaps if his father had offered to take the idea under consideration, he could later, in a public ceremony (So the disgrace born by Alastor would be greater) be officially disowned, and exiled from the family holdings. He would have to live in the shadow of his own percieved or otherwise failure, plus a great number of people would know. Disowning an heir-apparent would be an event of some signifigance. The current post makes the father seem on one hand benevolent and wise with the giving of the flute and the inscription, and then he becomes the impulsive tyrant, raising a blade against his own blood.
Now, if the father had waited a few days and then had held a faux-funeral, complete with musical accompanyment, emphasising perhaps flute players as a final gift for his son who was now dead to him, now that would be wicked.
This submission (granted it is 4 years old and from a now inactive member) is rather muddled and confusing. I like the idea though, a city protected sitting in the midsts of a volcanically active area. Go to Comment
Interesting idea, nicely done. I like the conflict between those who wanted to lavishly appoint the house of the abbot with the ascetic drive of the Perbus who desired be unadorned. All too often in games, it becomes for the greater glory of the PC, with no glory left for god.
Looking forward to it, I particulary enjoyed Last Stand and gave it a correspondingly good rating. I have discovered that breaking an idea into its component pieces and posting it in that manner generally runs the risk of getting back a good number of mediocre responces. If you jam it all together, you end up with complaints about excessive length. I guess it is just a delicate matter of balance. Go to Comment
This could be certainly a very interesting case of multiple personality disorder, ala Fight Club but with a very Dracula-Castlevania feel to it. The basic story of being spirit-tied to the vampire reminds me of King Muchaduka from Hindu myth who slaughter demons, and as a reward from the gods was allowed to enter an eternal rest. Whomever awoken him would be struck dead by the force of his gaze.
I really like the description of the geography, with the three rivers coming together in a giant waterfall. The image of the Brahmalin erupting from the desert is an lasting one in my mind, and I can see all sorts of things living in the steam.
I think I would like to know more about how the battle came about that imprisoned the angelic, and why it has been so corrupted without the forces of good making it right, or at least trying to make it right. I also like the ambiance of the city becoming self aware of its purpose, and alerting the guards by various methods. I think that the character post of the Living Gate would fit very nicely into this setting, with an evil semi-sentient living city serving as a ward over a waylaid angel.
Nicely done, but more details would really help it out and bring it to its full potential. Otherwise,
This is a theme I sometimes try to think upon myself, that the orcs and goblins and other monsters are more than just sword fodder for up and comming adventurers. They have parents and families, and other concerns than harassing would be heros. While the spider idea is novel, and needs some serious refining it does fall into this category. It is the 'Misunderstood Dragon' but in a different form.
As for female gamers, since I have started playing, the majority of my gamers have been female. I dont have much experience running hack and slash, shoot 'em ups, but I do have alot in running character interaction and development, plot twists and other such thematic devices. Plus I really know how to stock the various shops and stores.
My wife is a regular gamer, and it is only the demands of being a full time college student that keeps her from being a resident here at the citadel. As for Vulgarity, we all have to remember the words of George Carlin. sarcasmThe F word is a versatile word, a noun, a verb, and adjective, a conjoining phrase. Say it loud, say it proud and show people just how intelligent you are. /sarcasmGo to Comment
I think the presentation is spiff, reminded me of Shel Silversteen, or perhaps a more advanced, and less nonsensical Dr. Seuss. The internal rhyming was fun to read, and I applaud your work. I imagine either it took some time to create this, or you simply have a flare for rhyme. Kudos.
To explain the option, or the reason not to attack would require me to shed some light on my former, and albeit sometimes difficult gaming group. I had a player who I would desribe as Chaotic, if imprisoned, he would attempt to commit suicide by trying to swallow his tongue. If someone seemed like they should be treated with respect, and he disagreed, he would cast a spell at them, usually something with fire in it. Now, most of the time he was a good gamer, but there was always the possibility of that entirely chaotic act erupting. I learned to be prepared for that, rather than kicking him out of the group. Besides, most of the time, we played at his house, so, either you have a psychotic episode, or you learn to deal with it. Go to Comment
As Echo said, sometimes we bring an idea to bear, one that we have nurtured and see with the blind eye of a mother and her favored child. This is the grandest idea, it is unique and original, and oh so wonderful. You should all be inspired by my creativity, and fawn praise upon me for my excellence. (Yes, I am guilty of this)
Then we get our teeth kicked in. Blah, boring, not bad but it has flaws, negative comments, mediocre to low scores. The first reaction is anger, how dare they disrespect my creation! Ingrates, blind to my talent! Some people terminate accounts, or just vanish, never posting again. Others realize that there is ALWAYS room to grow, always room to improve.
I have had my teeth rattled (Amulet of Moloch, The Kitjan, and the deleted Boerog (ranked a 1.6)) and I didnt like it. Did I get mad? You bet I did. Did I throw a tantrum, and storm off? No, not really. I came back and learned from my mistakes, and try to do better on the next time around.
The delivery is top notch, and the imagry vivid and disturbing. Sometimes I wonder what sort of drugs the captain is on to come up with this stuff, and wonder where I can get a stash of my own. It is a delightful emulsion of Exalted, and Lovecraft. The flakes of rust in the blood was a nice touch.
I think I might have done some description with his eyes as they are the windows to the soul (hence many soulless creatures are depicted without eyes such as the Nazgul, Myrdraal, and the aliens from the Alien movies.) I would make them wide, and perhaps the only indicator that the character of blood, rust and ruin is not a monsterous construct, or demon, but was once a human being. Go to Comment
quoteComments should be for adding something useful to the conversation./quote
I agree with MoonHunter. A crappy post can draw out a plethora of responces, but a crappy post has a great deal of room for improvement. The better a post is, the harder it is to polish it, to improve it. Go to Comment