Strolen\s Citadel content. 
Memory Moths
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Any)
Pieh's comment on 2010-11-09 09:57 PM


Very nice work, Dossta. This submission combines three interesting styles of writing. It provides a chilling narrative,a twisted fairy-tale, and a scientific examination. I think the combination was very effective at leaving very few questions to be asked. At the core of the idea, memory-eating moths, I don't like it. But the presentation and level of detail given counts for a lot, and begs to be used. Good job.


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Moon Razor of ManBeasts
Items  (Wand/Staff/ Arcane)   (Cursed)
Pieh's comment on 2010-11-09 08:04 PM


I just got back to this piece, and I can't remember for the life of me what comes after "It can." We will go with Strolen's interpretation, as I can't seem to recall  what I did last night and my breath stinks of carrion.


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The Starspawn
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Any)
Pieh's comment on 2010-11-06 03:32 PM


I like it. I saw the original, and this is a huge improvement. Sverigesson summed up both the original and the update very nicely. I really like the 'Phantom Attack' idea, very usable for any creature that exists in multiple times or realities at once. Good work, I hope sveri and mike get around to updating their votes.


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The Inn of the Wild Geese
Locations  (Establishment)   (Any)
Pieh's comment on 2010-11-06 12:11 AM


Um... Wow. You seem to have rolled up quite a few stereotypes into this one interesting submission.



The first thing that stands out about this one is the text format. It's not often, at all, that we see that style used, and especially not for an entire submission. Some might not like the change, I found it a little distracting and hard on the eyes but it didn't detract from the submission.



The second thing I noticed, upon completion of my reading, was that there was nothing on the surface to mark this as a unique Inn. I found that remarkably genius. It takes a nondescript place like you have described to be able to travel like that, nothing stand out about its interior or staff, yet it seems to have immense magical power and even intelligence. I like that.



Overall, it works. And that amazes me for such an outlandish concept. I highly doubt I will use it, but I enjoyed the novelty of it and am glad it works for you and your group.


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The Strolenati Mountain Sheep
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Mountains)
Pieh's comment on 2010-11-05 02:54 PM


I like them, but the term Strolenati has been taken already by the elite group of crack-pot muses that keep this place together. However, I like to imagine these sheep as our little experiment. A race of sheep that was created to act as a library of sorts by an ancient sect of knowledge-bearers. I would like to rework this into something a little more useful and with my own spin, if you don't mind. Solid 3, but .5 for inspiration.


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The Strolenati Mountain Sheep
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Mountains)
Pieh's comment on 2010-11-05 03:11 PM


The Mountain Sheep of the Strolenati



Many, many moons ago, as told by the Elders, we, The Sheep, inherited a great deal of knowledge from The Dreamers, They came to us and lay in our fields, staring into the starry night sky all fixated upon a single focal point, an unknown point in the blackness of space. The Dreamers dreamed, with eyes wide open, and we ate of the grass that surrounded their heads. The Ones who ate are now known as The Elders, immortal sheep whose knowledge surpasses that of even the most brilliant human sages.



Their spawn now make up the remainder of our tribe. The powers of the spawn are not a great, yet still impressive. They have a limited range of telepathy among other sheep, and the power of Thought Transfer, or The Sacred Mind Bond not to be done with lesser beings.



The Elders share a dark secret that not even their young spawn know of or could even imagine. They watch the world through the minds of mortals. Humans, Orcs, and Dwarves, their kin and their ilk, provide The Elders with many insightful ideas and musings that they have no outlet for. The Elders, content with this, speak to to each other of the race they have been gifted the insight into, for each elder can only see the mind of a certain bloodline of mortal beings. And through these ties, their view the world, chronicling and debating the history of mortals past, present, and future, in hopes that The Dreamers will return to collect the knowledge and relieve them of their burden.


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The Strolenati Mountain Sheep
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Mountains)
Pieh's comment on 2010-11-05 03:13 PM
A rename is not necessary, I like them being children of the Strolenati, but I did add an Idea to your post. I'll ponder more on the subject in the future. Thanks. Go to Comment
Gauntlets of Strength: A detailed analysis
Items  (Equipment Listing)   (Magical)
Pieh's comment on 2010-11-03 05:42 PM


Very nice! The idea itself is useful and fun, but the presentation takes it over the bar. I enjoyed reading this doddering old fool's analysis of a pair of increasingly interesting gloves. Partway through, I could hear the wizard proclaiming "I've discovered exercise!" in the back of my mind, but it was not as cheasy as that in the submission, thankfully.



As I pondered the final notes, I thought of other items that could increase physical or mental abilities. Then I thought, what if they were all gloves? I like the Gauntlets of Strength spin, but what about Agility or even Intelligence. I would like to see gloves that can do that!



Good work.


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P'Cheela - People of the Supreme Truth
Society/ Organizations  (Religious)   (Regional)
Pieh's comment on 2010-10-27 01:29 AM


I actually didn't care for the prose, tone, or voice much. To me, the writing was very dry and reeks of an elderly history teacher droning on about an uninteresting subject. However, the subject was interesting and I felt compelled to finish reading it. I got the feeling of a lot of empty words, as if there wasn't a ton of eagerness and desire to impress an idea in the words. Almost as if it was just being written to convey knowledge. And while this isn't a style of writing I enjoy reading, I was impressed at the way it was delivered.



The overall content itself felt scarce, but was nonetheless intriguing. I like it, and I like it because I want to dislike it for its wording and presentation, which didn't appeal to me yet drew me in and immersed me irregardless.



Good work.


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BattleSteeds
Lifeforms  (Intelligent Species)   (Plains)
Pieh's comment on 2010-10-20 04:22 PM


I agree with Muro's first post, and what Axle said about idea breaking points. This is a decent submission, but seems to lack anything to mark it as special. They are just the Catfolk's super horses.



I don't have a problem with the odd breeding habits, but the Catfolk monopoly on awesome horses feels strange. Might be because I don't like Catfolk to begin with, but trying to imagine a humanoid cat (maybe?) riding the best horse ever is odd to me, especially after reading the words "the only time you will ever see one is under the rump of a Catfolk archer or lancer." I can only picture a cat ass stacked on top of a horse ass. And that makes me feel unclean.


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Code 7777SOHAT
Plots  (Discovery)   (Encounter)
Pieh's comment on 2010-10-17 02:30 PM


I think this is a nice solid idea, I would have made it a Location submission, located in Cyberspace, as it is not really a plot as it is a place to find plot. It you gave us a short story about finding the web page, discovering some sort of plot, then trying to shut down the page, it could be a very nice plot. But as is, it's not bad.


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Grandfather Pestilence
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Mystical)
Pieh's comment on 2010-10-17 08:40 PM


Overall, I enjoyed reading this piece. But, I also have the minor gripe of not knowing this God's goals. He makes for a great background piece, very well detailed in lore and past occurrences, but there is nothing to suggest he hasn't just stopped causing plague and madness or any given reason as to why he would want to do such a thing. This is a good story, it is very well written (AS Olontur says "Intelligently"), but I feel like i just ate a lot of minty chewing gum. My breath will smell good for a while, but I didn't need that much of it and my jaw hurts. Not sure if that makes sense, but I still like it.


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Glowing Idol of Gnashtooth
Items  (Wand/Staff/ Arcane)   (Magical)
Pieh's comment on 2010-09-22 06:10 AM
Set it to Advice Requested until I can sort it out.

I offer this advice to all: Do not post write/post entire submissions after taking sedatives. And... Always listen to EchoMirage.

Echo, I haven't always, but I have come to appreciate your words of wisdom. As biting at they seem at times, I have realized that you always try to speak you mind. And that is commendable.

*Salutes* Go to Comment
Glowing Idol of Gnashtooth
Items  (Wand/Staff/ Arcane)   (Magical)
Pieh's comment on 2010-09-22 03:30 PM
Remeron, actually. And I wasn't sleep-posting, I was just really zonked out and thought it sounded cool. As far as I know I don't get out of bed and shamble through the streets like my fishy-kin in the Innsmouth night. I will work on this one, I promise. Go to Comment
Glowing Idol of Gnashtooth
Items  (Wand/Staff/ Arcane)   (Magical)
Pieh's comment on 2010-09-22 03:52 PM
Update: Still requesting advice. What else does this one need? Go to Comment
Glowing Idol of Gnashtooth
Items  (Wand/Staff/ Arcane)   (Magical)
Pieh's comment on 2010-10-08 02:58 PM
Update: I guess it's done. Out ye go! Go to Comment
30 Orcish Gifts (For Services Rendered)
Articles  (Resource)   (Gaming - In General)
Pieh's comment on 2010-10-08 02:06 PM
I think he uses the wysiwyg editor, not the code. Cheka, for bold put < b > in front and < / b > behind the line you want bolded, without spaces. Go to Comment
The Troll Leash
Items  (Tools)   (Magical)
Pieh's comment on 2010-10-08 02:21 PM


Yaaaa! That was most excellent, Dude. I agree with what everyone else has said, and have not much more to add. Good work.


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Telportia
Locations  (Fortification)   (Plains)
Pieh's comment on 2010-10-04 10:59 PM
I like it. It sets an interesting scene as a base of operations for a group of magic users.

There are still a few questions and nitpicks: You should try to explain an odd detail: The mention of the scattered interior buildings. Why weren't they build by military minds? Did the war end just after the walls were made? How could it grow to be feared/desired if all it had was walls? It seems like at least part of the interior should be as structured as the exterior.

Also, a list (maybe a teaser of sorts) of interesting locations the portals can bring you, with brief descriptions.

And what Jerk said.

Other than that, the writing feels a bit bland for such an interesting place. But, I guess not all magical locations can be walls of fire and swirling energy. Good work. Go to Comment
Telportia
Locations  (Fortification)   (Plains)
Pieh's comment on 2010-10-08 02:49 PM


This has undergone a lot of changes for the better. I liked it to begin with, but it has been improved beyond what I expected. So I'll bump my vote up. Good work, keep at it, and I hope you stick around and submit more. Welcome to The Citadel, herrozerro.


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