Strolen\s Citadel content. 
Wobble jelly
Items  (Other)   (Non-Magical)
Ouroboros's comment on 2008-11-24 03:20 AM
Strangely...funny. Did I hear anyone say "Flubber"? I do like the idea, though. Will be interesting to see where this ends up. Go to Comment
Conversion Warhead
Items  (Ranged Weapons)   (Combat)
Ouroboros's comment on 2008-11-19 06:53 PM
Thanks for all your kind words, my friends. Yes, what I envisaged the contaminated zone to be is like something from "The Mist", full of weird monsters and unseen horrors. And, of couse, the way Mieville, in Perdido Street Station, describes the city of Suroch, after a "Torque bomb" has been detonated over it. The term "cockroach tree" paints a neat picture...

/David Go to Comment
Cog Devils
Lifeforms  (Ethereal)   (City/ Ruin)
Ouroboros's comment on 2008-11-08 06:43 PM
An old friend of mine (who is actually a computer engineer) claims that the only way of avoiding computer problems is to increase your computer totem. Apparently, this is achieved by gluing bits of crystal, seashells, crucifixes, dreamcatchers, feathers, tiki-figures and coloured beads to the casing of the computer. His laptop really looks like a magpie´s nest. I´m not making this up, I swear....

/D Go to Comment
Aetheric Goggles
Items  (Tools)   (Magical)
Ouroboros's comment on 2008-11-07 03:06 PM
Read ´em, liked ´em, stole ´em... :)

/D Go to Comment
Aetheric Goggles
Items  (Tools)   (Magical)
Ouroboros's comment on 2008-11-08 05:15 AM
Yes, they are a great visual cue that serious steampunk are about to take place... :) Go to Comment
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (City/ Ruin)
Ouroboros's comment on 2008-11-07 07:18 AM
An excellent piece (and I dont say that just because you credit me...). In a steamfantasy setting, it is also quite logical. Why construct a golem or automaton from scratch when you already have ready-made frames, with all the necessary hinges and articulation - and in great abundance to boot? And I do love the idea of this being a worse-than-death sentence. Not only are you executed, but your remains will be desecrated and forced to serve the very society that killed you.... Mmm, delicious irony..:)

/David Go to Comment
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Any)
Ouroboros's comment on 2008-11-07 03:55 AM
Um, yes. Obviously a sweet idea, with a lot of potential. But I need a lot more than that. From your text, I can get no mental picture of these critters. You have no description at all, in fact. Also, I would welcome an insight into how they work, magic/mechanically. You say that they are kept alive by technology rather than magic? Expand upon that, instead of just leaving that teaser hanging. Indeed, I want you to draw me a picture, to show me how sexy these dudes are. You have a lot of potential to expand on the dark and nasty bits that this implies. You need to make your stuff attractive to the audience.

My current vote will have to be low, and that is not because the sub is bad in itself. I just think its a crime to leave so many stones unturned. Thats just being lazy. I expect any sub to: A) be a full exploration of the subject, B) Paint a vivid mental picture, and C) Surprise me with an unforeseen twist or quirk. In all, I need personality, aesthetics and imagery. Right now yor sub lacks all that, but with a bit (a lot) more work, it could be great. Right now its a can of paint, but it could be a Picasso. Judging from the quality of your previous work, and your grasp of the language, you easily have the skills to manage that.

I will revise my vote when/if you give this a bit more work. If you want to juggle ideas, I´ll be happy to help. Just drop me a PM.

/David Go to Comment
Lifeforms  (Constructed)   (Any)
Ouroboros's comment on 2008-11-07 11:23 AM
Much improved, and I do apologize for my acidic tone earlier - I should have realized this was an In Work submission!

Even though I can now picture these creatures clearly, I still feels as if something is missing. You have some wonderful lines, like cogs poking through rotting skin, the sound the mechanisms make as they move etc. I believe we need more of that kind of imagery to kick this sub up to its fullest potential.

Even so, with a few quick and descriptive lines, you have radically changed this sub from an irritation (good subject, bad sub) to something to take seriously, something that evokes reaction. All it needs now is a few finishing touches.

I´ve changed my vote from 1/5 to 3/5, but it could easily be 5/5; the subject is powerful enough for that. And you obviously have the skill to make the presentation worthy of it. Just. A. Few. More. Steps.

/D Go to Comment
The Hermit of Wither Tor
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Mystical)
Ouroboros's comment on 2008-11-05 03:44 AM
It would appeal more to my sense of tragedy if he killed himself when his control finally slips.... Go to Comment
The Hermit of Wither Tor
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Mystical)
Ouroboros's comment on 2008-11-05 02:35 PM
yes, oh yes... that would be fitting, going out with a bang of biblical proportions... Now who will play his Delilah? Go to Comment
The Hermit of Wither Tor
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Mystical)
Ouroboros's comment on 2008-11-03 08:09 AM
Partly, this was inspired by Urko Crust, a minor character of Steven Erikson´s Malazan series, who also solved most problems with a fist in the face, usually the face of his superiors.

Mostly, though, I just wanted to experiment with a more Pratchettesque style of writing, mixing quite sophisticated philosophy with understated humor, in the British comedy tradition. It´s actually harder than it looks, too much humor and it turns into slapstick, too little and the humor just seems lost, sad and out of place, instead of becoming a medium in which to address serious philosophical matters. Used right, humor is such a powerful tool.

There are a few true masters out there: Pratchett, Douglas Adams and Iain M. Banks, for example. Guess there is a reason why so few can do what they do..

Hope you have all had a nice Halloween!

/David Go to Comment
Aphex Matter
Items  (Armor)   (Magical)
Ouroboros's comment on 2008-10-24 05:25 PM
Well, much of this is taken from and inspired by my fellow steampunk buffs; Chaosmark and Kessil. Thanks, guys!

Suggestion: What would everyone think of a steampunk quest?

/David Go to Comment
The Trolls of Kuramen
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Any)
Ouroboros's comment on 2008-10-23 05:58 AM
Very, very nice. I especially liked the part about infusing arrowheads with troll-flesh - a great inspiration piece, that!
Also (with my love for steam-punk) I thourgoughly enjoyed the steam-mecha train guards. Great imagination and impressive presentation. I cant *quite* go 5/5, but its not far off.

Keep up the good work.

/David Go to Comment
True Ether
Items  (Potion)   (Campaign Defining)
Ouroboros's comment on 2008-10-11 12:19 PM
Oh yes, Chaosmark, I love this.
We should do a steampunk submission series, you and I...
If I ever get around to writing that Locastus book, your True Ether has a given place in it.

Thank you for an excellent sub,

David Go to Comment
The Demon King Lacrimosa
NPCs  (Mythic/ Historical)   (Mystical)
Ouroboros's comment on 2008-10-04 03:41 AM
A nice solid first post. The concept of a Lord of Hell who is not really evil is kinda attractive, making a Picasso out of "standard" fantasy demon-lore. This is, obviously, a good thing.. The post could be expaned upon, though - I feel it is a bit sketchy in places. Other than that, good job!

Välkommen till Strolen!!

/David (another son of sweden..) Go to Comment
Maug, The Bitter God
Society/ Organizations  (Religious)   (Country/ State)
Ouroboros's comment on 2008-09-26 03:27 AM
Well, without intention of annoying any religious people out there, you could say he is a bit like the Christian God, Allah and Jehovah in that way.. dont really give anything tangible back to his worshippers.

As an atheist myself, I can only speculate what real-world religious people get out of their religion, but I can assume that the benefit is mostly psychological, rather than the standard-fantasy benefits of divine spells and suchlike?

Think Roman Catolicism in the 15th century - thats what i based this on: harsh, unyielding and uncompromising...

Again, I dont write this to flame against religion. I find religion as a psychological motivator fascinating - and if you want to write believable fiction, you have to get your motivators down pat.. Go to Comment
Rock Traghax
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Mountains)
Ouroboros's comment on 2008-09-25 11:43 AM
Just remember to hold on to your hat - and bring plenty of sugar lumps...:-) Go to Comment
101 Knightly Orders
Society/ Organizations  (Combative)   (Regional)
Ouroboros's comment on 2008-09-25 03:28 AM
I dont know, I do love some of the names and descriptions in here, but it is way to disorganized and long-winded to give me any vibes to talk of. It seems as if this is just a list of entries pulled from a random generator? If that is the case, I would not consider it suitable for a main submission.

Nevertheless, some may find use for it, without a doubt. And I´m impressed by the sheer size of it...

/David Go to Comment
Suicide flies
Lifeforms  (Fauna)   (Plains)
Ouroboros's comment on 2008-09-25 03:34 AM
Very nice. Just dont be afraid to put it into paragraphs - looks nicer and makes it easier to read...

Good job!

/David Go to Comment
Generated City
Locations  (City)   (Any)
Ouroboros's comment on 2008-09-21 06:13 PM
I´m full of admiration as to your generator design skills - and I´m sure it will be of great use to many people. However, Im not sure this belongs in the general sub area. I would suggest you move it to your "in work" section - as it is, its uncomfortably reminiscent of spam.

Still, gotta tip my hat at your programming skills. It´s really quite impressive.

/David Go to Comment
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       By: manfred

A slight rustle of the wind... and it stands before you. A Unicorn, whiter and more beautiful than you ever imagined it. It has deep wonderful eyes, and you can't help but admire this creature. It came to have a look at you, and now it freely goes. You have not the heart to stop it, and it silently vanishes between the trees.
Note: unless specially needed, this encounter should never happen again.

Encounter  ( Forest/ Jungle ) | August 21, 2003 | View | UpVote 1xp