I like this one as well. Both content and formatting are highly original, too. Nice work. Just about the only thing that annoys is the font-size bonanza, but that is really a minor complaint :)

 

//D 

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You know, I like these guys. But it feels incomplete somehow. I would like to know more of their background, where they come from, what their plans are etc. How big are they? What equipment do they use? How do they communicate?

You mention "Host Bodies". Does that mean they evolve as some form of parasite? Are they true extraterrestrials, some form of hybrid or a runaway bioengineering experiment? 

So many questions.... To vote now not give this idea justice - I will wait :)

//David

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I have to say, I like this more and more. I take it you draw heavily from the CoC. Also a quite nice sideorder of Demon, the Fallen, unless I am mistaken? Thank you for taking time to answer :)

I think this has great potential. There is obviously a systematic framework in place. I do like that, it reminds me of the Cthulhu Mythos, allowing for additions as you go along.

Have you read John Keel´s "Creatures from time and space"? It describes very much the same phenomenon as an explanation for Bigfoot, the Loch Ness monster, Mothman and so on. If you haven´t read it, I think you can get some good inspirations there.

//David

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Not a bad idea, but oh boy does this need fleshing out... Actually, I´d suggest placing this as a McGuffin (aka plot device) in another, larger sub. Perhaps a dungeon?

But hey, welcome to the Citadel, friend. Nice to have ya!

 

//David

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Impressive. I really like this one, and especially the prion analogy. Highly original and written with some flair, too - good work!

//David Go to Comment

Yes, credit where credit is due. That is considered good form.

Ill give you a few days, then Ill challenge it as well, for a total of 3 and removal..

Its a shame, friend, this is a good submission. Make a few changes, and you are golden...

David Go to Comment

OK, I´m not usually adverse to these kinds of posts. With some originality, this could have been good. But its not.
I´ll suggest expanding this with some colourful ingredients, some "flair".
As it is, its so mundane as to be boring. There´s nothing creative here.
And, I would suggest, use the spell check.
I´m looking forward to see this expanded upon - surprise me!!

//David Go to Comment

Yes, definitely. I was never my intention to rain on you parade, my friend. See it as constructive criticism.

Give this an overhaul, add some spice and present it in a nice package and it´ll be a good submission. And dont be afraid to ask for advice, the people at Strolen are pretty nice..

Everyone in here remember how it was to start out, even the REALLY good ones, like Moonhunter, Murometz, Scrasamax and Captain Penguin (and many others).

/ David

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I think this will be very nice indeed when you´ve cleaned it up a bit and expanded it - and so, I´m withholding my vote for version 2.0. :)

/David Go to Comment

Short, to the point, exceptional imagery and very original.
I like it! Good job!

(I find myself with little time for writing and comment these days, but some things cannot go unanswered. This is one of those pieces)

//David Go to Comment

It´s a good idea, although somewhat cliché, even though the Fibonacci sequence is a nice touch. I would try to give it a spin in some "unexpected" direction.

Other than that, give it a grammar and spelling overhaul. As it is, it is kind of hard to read.

I´m withholding my vote for the time being, waiting for you to polish it up a bit.

Cheers,

David Go to Comment

Im not sure, this smacks a little bit too much of juvenile sexual fantasy for me. Still, it´s an interesting exploration of humiiation and disgrace, so there´s good potential.

I´d suggest playing up the darker aspects and shunting the hot, kinky sex descriptions into the background a bit. I really think this sub needs to be a lot darker and unpleasant - as it is it´s just a tad too much high school wet dream.

My other tip would be that it is always better to merely suggest or allude to the horrible, degrading forms of sex this poor, enslaved woman is subjected to, rather than spelling it out with arrows and rings around the nasty parts. Let your readers dirty imagination fill in the details for you - I promise, that will make it worse than anything you can ever write. Making the reader´s mind do your job is an art, though, which very few have mastered - but it´s an excellent opportunity for you to practise.

Put in details like a physician employed solely to treat her bruises and bite marks, to be ready for another day of the same... etc, etc.

So, please don´t give up or think I´m a jerk for giving critisism - I think the idea is great and the imagery is good, it just needs a bit of work. It would be a shame if you left this rather promising idea!

Please let me know if you want to brainstorm!

/David Go to Comment

Heh. As usual, Muro sums up what I was trying to say (on half a page) in two sentences.

I´ll just recuperate for a few days, and then I´ll happily co-op with you on this, Cheka.

/D Go to Comment

Much improved, I must say. There´s still the soft-porn allusions, but with much greater sophistication.
It´s an interesting (albeit nasty) portrait of humiliation and disgrace - the only thing I can think of that would make the humiliation complete is that she has started, despite herself, to actually *like* the abuse. But then I´ve always have had a nasty mind...

Good work, Cheka. This is one of your better subs!

//David Go to Comment

I like this. The realism and grittiness really speaks to me.

However, like Val, I feel there is a lack of completeness about her - perhaps we need a little bit more of her world to put her into context?

Her personal background is, I feel, not as important as the political and socioeconomic environment in which she exists. I for one would very much like to see those tantalizing hints at the larger picture expanded upon.

Still, a good solid post, several turns of the knob above average!

//David Go to Comment

This is good enough to pull me out of hibernation. Very nicely done!
It´s not only a complete system of magic, but also strikes a very interesting "Arabian Nights" theme. Impressive!

//David Go to Comment

Ouch... Me, I´d rather these accessories never come near my shins or my groin....

Nevertheless, a simple concept developed beautifully.

The comedy is sort of built-into the post, in a way I´m kinda partial to, as well... I mean, anyone reading this (at least of the male gender)will be thinking exactly the same thing, which is "ouch".

Good job!

/D Go to Comment

Thank you, CM!

My first thought for a last, climactic battle involved osme form of machine that could close the portal - or maybe remote-deactivate the Warhead. The RPs are given this mission by a stranger, who turn out to be a Hag-sworn agent. The Ur-Kaol Witchocracy wants Akelor opened, so that they can continue their war on Locastus, and so trick the Rps into betraying their nation.

Problem is, That would have added another layer of story and the whole thing would have been just too big. So, I came up with this more modest solution. I excuse the ease with which the RPs drive Hactor-Newath away with the fact that he has never experienced pain, or ever been attacked and hurt. Besides, now he´s back in his home realm - and he´s pissed!

However, if I ever write that book, I´ll use the epic version. But for now, I cant stand having this sub distort space in my "in work" folder..:-)

Anyway, thank you for your comments. I really, really appreciate it.

/D Go to Comment

Thank you, Muro! I think that praise might just be the thing I need to start writing again...:) Go to Comment

Hey Lockheed, and thank you.

I apologize for any grammatical irregularities - english is not my first language. As for adjective-heavy prose, I think the Captain and I are both students of the master in that regard, ie HP Lovecraft.

Hope to be out with some more stuff soon.

Regards,

David Go to Comment