I see why you never submitted this. It is a mess and likely useless. If you were to write up the cultures or even the food maybe that would be useful but one large write up of an entire culture from their history to what they like to have for dinner is useless I think. I think most everyone will agree that roleplayers just need a handful details they can hold onto about a culture.
Drinks a clear liquor with most meals
Wears fur hats.
Pale and fair haired with high cheek bones.
Fatalistic, stoic and cynical.
Preferred weapon is the war hammer.
There you go, you have Russians.
Maybe, if you ever get around to it, you should break this up.
I think you are putting an undue burden on this piece. Why should stuff have to follow physical laws, why can't it just be a cool idea? It is for a game after all, will it have to follow dice laws? How many physical laws do they break in Star Wars or Star Trek? I think this is fun piece and it can be useful. 5/5.
Months and months away from this place and I come back to find a truly exceptional submission such as this one. This has excellent use of parrells and very concrete descriptions of both actions and objects. (Although it does remind me of peter pan, did they orginally try to stick the soul on with soap?)
The art really makes this one worth while. So when you exit this thing, do you slide from the groin area of the suit covered in fluid? I will assume that is the case, and give this the 5 that imagery diserves.
Nice to see the sword of techno babble cuts both ways. Well done Valadaar. See it doesn't matter if you address his points or not, or if his points are valid. Gaming is done in an agreed upon reality. If everyone agree glider bombs work, then they work. One question, what do you mean by "Christmas package type effect"?
This is a great little story, and the feed back and contributions have made it even better. I will give you a 5 on this but let me know if you don't want me to vote on your work anymore. I will understand.
I read this last week and didn't comment on it. But since you really seem to want a comment on it I will oblige you. I think there are good things here, but they are too mixed up to be much use, and it wasn't a particularly interesting read. You spend too much time on the Golden Path stuff. I understand it is important plot device to explain why this version of Babylon 5 is safe, but it is over expanded upon. (Also Goldenpath?, sounds too much like a fetish movie) The descripition of the station is also really lacking. You list a few facts about the station but don't give us more than independent ideas about things such as the robots and the race specific areas. I was left wanting for a sense of life on the station. Perhaps a day-in-the-life on Haven type thing thread through the post would help me get a handle on the station as a place PCs can interact with and not just as a political or military mark on a map. Two subs (written by best buds) I have read use a nice and condensed method for portraying this
Moonhunter's Norhold sub is slim and not overly developed but it gives some basic information about the city that would enhance any readers or PCs sense of "being there". He describes the corridors, the doors and where people eat and hang out. You're second to last paragraph gets at this, but fails to paint a real picture of a scene. Again it just gives facts. Moonhunter's Norhold allows me to see the door, to move 90 paces down the low hall and see the N in the floor of the Central hall.
A good post that takes another tact is
Here axlerowes describes an island city. I have no idea what a single building on the island looks like (except maybe a windmill), but his entire description is about Character interaction with the setting. Where to eat, where to sleep, where to find a whore etc. Where you take third person view of the station, axlerowes takes an almost second person perspective. Nothing you wrote draws me into the locale within your submission.
So again what is the post about? Is it about the station? Is it about the political and geographical forces that facilitated the construction and current political role of this station? Is it about why one would go to this station? All those fold into one another yes, but one of those should be the central theme of essay or piece. Right now I have to give this one the thumbs down. I may change my vote later.
I have been waiting all day to reply to this one, but I don't log on at work.
"the best anyone can say is it is unclear to them."
I shared this with my co-workers and they all thought it was hilarious. That was a direct quote from E.B. White's "Elements of Style" isn't it?
But I digress. You didn't really mean that, what you meant is that AR is a smug bastard for suggesting such a rewrite. Additionally, you are saying by understanding the 1st paragraph you are better then AR. Well AR did sound like a smug bastard and his comments were/are useless. If you want to rewrite something smart guy try this.
Right now we are putting together the manual for a new kitchen appliance, and when we write.
"The local mineral content on the local water source may effect the lifetime of this item."
"The lifetime of this item may be adversely effected by use in hard water conditions."
"The formation of mineral deposits around the (can't share) of this item will prevent it from working properly. Use of this item in areas serviced by hard water will result in the formation of the afore mentioned mineral deposits. Regular cleaning of the ***** will prevent the formation of damaging mineral deposits."
"The **** should be inspected and cleaned regularly."
Nice text type, well I gave this one a 2/5 cause, but other than that I have given posts a 1 or 5. And I think I have only given you 5s. So you are welcome.
I still think this is little more than a "wouldn't this be cool item".
You should give this tank a vaginal name to counter Echo's penis tank. I like the idea though, it is nice to have something you can really use to manage your PCs. There isn't much you can do with tank post is there?
Wouldn't you be compensating for something by putting a big gun on your tank? I mean this whole post seems to be a dick metaphor, this is a huge ram rod with a wam-bam attitude. No, this whole post is about one guys desire to "give it" to someone quickly and get out of there. You should rename the tank the bachelor.
I really like this, full of typos, but we aren't supposed to care about that are we? I was just thinking about a plot idea. Th punkcasher had an idea for goblin labor unions, and I think that could apply here. The Orc's seem to be getting the scat end of the stick and then hit with the other end. What if they form a union.
Why don't they write whole DnD books like travel guides anyway? I mean there is a reason travel guides have that format, it makes it easier to use right? You should do submissions like this for your whole world. Or do you just make all that other stuff up to fit with this setting?
There was a Beggar he was starring at me as if he is going to kill me but as I get nearer and nearer I found out his resisting something I don't know what but his really resisting something something un explainable and then I saw a knife on his hand and I though his going to kill me but when he raises the knife and then he stoped and said "run child" that I knew his resisting himself' his blood thirsty self, to stop, to stop killing people at the other day when I go were he was I saw him lying DEAD! and I saw a knife stabed strait throught the heart and that knife was the one he tried to stab on me last day and I knew he KILLED HIMSELF because its the only way to get out of his problems...