Well I like it. Obviously it is not a revolutionary item that changes the game world, but one of those unique little things that adds a lottle bit of flavor now and then.
Contrary to what Mourngrymn says, I see no problem with the magical effects, although you should describe the cloak a little better even if only to say that it is made of wool and is worn at the edges. I think the story is fine, and an Item like this does not need an epic legend behind it.
However, Mourngrymn is right in that the cloak is still a good cloak. It causes goosbumps...so what? Does the cloak no longer function as a cloak of detect danger, and the thief has already replaced it?
Anyway, I will give it my standard Small Items Vote of 3.0. Not everything has to get a 4.5 or 5.0, and I yhink that this is a good solid idea. Go to Comment
I really like this. Poisons are rare enough on this site, but to have one made by a deity is a rare treat. A couple of things however.
1) This is an awfully limited poison. Once a year, with a time window of little over a month, only three uses, and of course, application of the poison into food or water (which royals are well versed in evading). A simple Cleric (or a few concubines) on the royal budget would make short work of purifying the food and water. I think that you should make it a contact/ingested poison. This is a poison created by a deity after all, it needs to have the potency of the divine.
I would also increase those 44 days (or 66) to maybe 99 days instead. that is a little over 3 months. With a 9 month pregnancy, that should give them an opportunity to poison a noble at any point in the year, however, with pregnancies going unannounced until late in the pregnancy, it would be hard to do in many cases.
Hard but possible is always a good rule in my book, espescially for a deity inspired quest.
2)The Order itself seems rather limited in it's focus. If all they do is poison pregnant nobles, then I have a hard time imagining that they have a wide-spread occult following. I think that you should have this group a little more versitile in it's focus. Every religious order has to have a range of incentives broad enough to keep members joining, and this one has to have a range broad enough to convert men and women who have been trusted by the royal family for years (A royal family would simply lock down the pregnant woman, admitting only trusted friends and servants).
I don't know what Roak is talking about with the overcomplications. The more interesting detail you put into this, the better (key word: interesting), and I stick by that always. I have seen posts that had only a mediocre item, but amazing backround and detail get 5/5 by everybody.
However, on that note, I think that you could use some anecdotes in there. Although I usually don't include this in my reviews, I will include it in yours. There are a lot of really good items out here that have gotten votes far lower than they should have for the quality of the submissions. However, these submissions rarely, if ever, include good solid hooks that bring the reader into the world.
Describe the occult practices of the order in graphic detail, describe how the nobles react, describe how the people see these miscarriages. And don't just describe the overall effect, but describe them in a way that makes the reader feel like they are there. Go down to an individual level and really make the reader want to keep reading.
Anyway, that is my advice.
Good item, unusual origin, plot hooks, described pretty well. All in all I would say that it gets a 4.0, but the plot hooks push it up to a 4.5. Good work Go to Comment
So...CP is right. This is an Idea guild, and submissions should be for new idea's, not pre-existing articles.
However, real life is a handy resource, and I think that we should have a space on Strolen's Citadel for Real life to co-exist. Maybe we could put it on the Submissions area without the possibility of voting, or maybe we need a spot on the forums for it, but something like that should exist.
I have already posted this on the suggestions page in the forums.
Yeah, I always did mean to vote on this. I think I wanted to wait until I could pull it back up from the vault with an HoH. I guess now is the appropriate moment.
It occurs to me that followers of Mathom don't have to lack aims or goals. They could be just as ambitious as others, they would however be more apt to take plenty of time checking and double checking their work, time being a blessing and not a curse, and of course, receptive to distractions as a sign from Mathom that they haven't given their goals it's proper time.
It's funny, I started writing this comment at 10am, and it's 6pm now.
First AG, I really like the descriptive text of the dreamscape itself. I was really drawn in and it was like going into a fantasy world for the first time, or maybe looking at a really intriguing video game. I don't know, but it hooked me well.
The rest is alright. I definately think that the metaphors here should be explained in text. This is one of the great thing about this post, you have free liscense to introduce all sorts of interesting ideas as backround. Again, i think that the dreamscape was really good to read. If you can emulate that in a more consistant manner throughout the submission, then that would definately be disirable.
I don't know, I really want to know more, so that means that there is a lot of potential good here, but at the same time, somewhere in there the ball seemed to drop, I don't know where.
Im confused, does the spear return or retract. Retract means that chain it is connected to goes inside it or dissapears when it comes back. If it simply returns, then there will be a lot of extra chain that has to be wielded after.
I would like to understand the exact mechanics of this weapon before I vote. Go to Comment
I am not yet voting on this because i am confused. How is this a shards of the storm quest item? The original post by siren no orakio said that thirteen shards fell from the sky, and that all of them had exactly the same properties aside from size, shape, and magnitude of effect.
These shards seem completely different from those.
This is a small (maybe more than small) pet peeve of mine, when itemse are called quest items, but they do not reflect the quest.
Tell me your views on this. Everybody else, do you agree or disagree? Go to Comment
Ok, let me first compliment you on coming up with a pretty good concept. I like it, and obviously an item like this has an awful lot of uses.
However, there are a lot of problems with this post, an I mean a lot.
1) Grammar. I have yet to carefully inspect your submission for this, but I did not notice a single comma anywhere. I suggest you go back and speak through it, adding a comma anyplace that you might pause.
Also make sure to fix capitalization spelling and any other grammar errors.
2)Format. You have the Magical properties with the full item description of the item. Worse offenses definitely exist, but I do think that the Description, History, Magical properties format does work very well. If nothing else, delete the Magical properties text so that it is not so blatant.
Now we have finished with the easy stuff. Let us move on to the larger problems.
3)Equivalent exchange. There is one fundamental law in all Alchemy. Equivalent Exchange: For every output, there is an equal input. Fire outputs heat, light, and energy. The input is fuel, air, and heat (which is partially self sustaining).
Now this rock does not use magic (which often fills the holes in equivalent exchange) because it is purely alchemical, therefore something has to be used up in this process, and that would have to be the rock. In other words, you have broken the most basic principal of Alchemy in the creation of this item, which of course, has lead to the accurate comments given by KendraHeart.
4)History (part one). I am not going to lie. I think that it is pretty bad, although some of that is probably the lack of grammar. Still, the plausibility of this story is pretty slim, and makes little sense.
The first problem is the total lack of detail. Who are these three boys, do they have names, aspirations or goals? What about the greedy teachers? What about the Guild itself? How old are the students in question? What year are they? On and on. Look at the submissions that have fours and fives next to them. These are the good examples. Use them. Learn from them. You never see a history this short next to a four or five.
5) History(part two). Three young alchemists have come across a secret that they do not realize is valuable. Now why exactly did the Teachers not inquire about the process as soon as it was discovered? If they are in fact students, then the teachers are practically entitled to know how this was done. Furthermore, I see no reason why the alchemists who made the stone, not realizing it's potential, would not be willing to part with it's secret, even without being asked.
Any aspiring student would want to show off how accomplished they are to their teachers for some recognition, unless they thought that the secret was somehow valuable. Which they did not.
And Kendra is right. They would have lab notes and journals everywhere. Where are those?
6) History (part three). Assuming that the teachers did not simply ask about the process of the Charstone's creation in the first place, the fight makes little sense.
Even if the student had no rational sense at all, how did he attack the teachers in such a way that two deaths could result? Are you honestly telling me that the student tried to kill the teacher? If you are, then this boy is demonstrating psychopathological behavior, in which case he should never have made it this far.
These students would have to be relatively well behaved in order to have made it to such a point. Just attacking the teacher represents, at best, an un-educated highschool mentality. I cannot imagine what kind of student would try to kill a teacher. These kids would have been taught for years exactly how dangerous the chemicals and potions in the lab are. Caution would be second nature, or else they would have had a serious accident years back.
As far as the teachers go, are you trying to convince me that they have no policy for protecting themselves from, and calmly dealing with out of control students? They have been enforcing rules and regulations for years. I would imagine that they would have a way to shield these boys off and deal with the problem.
It is not too hard to imagine that they would have protocols for dealing with juveniles in restricted areas that would also apply here. It just seems a little unrealistic to think that these people would over-react so strongly.
There is a lot that does not make sense here. I think that you need to seriously rewrite this post. I have tried to not repeat advice or criticism that you have received from anybody else, but that does not mean that I do not agree with it.
I suggest that you seriously rewrite this whole thing from ground up.
Poor history+lack of explaination+lack of plausibility+lack of care to grammar and spelling+potentially good idea=1.5/5.0 (Has a Seed of Usefulness Go to Comment
I think that you dropped the ball there at the end. You had a pretty good story going, and then, when you get to Dovan actually wearing the cloak, you just hurried through it.
Also, I am not that impressed with the effects that were made for the cloak itself(mostly the shield). I think that you could have done better with this. It seems more characteristic that you might instead be aware of attacks from behind instead of just shielded from them.
Maybe when you wear it in cold weather, it keeps you from freezing like the warmth of a lover's embrace. And maybe you hear your lover's shout warning you of danger from behind.
This is the kind of descriptive detail that I would like to see with an item like this.
Despite my criticism, it is a good idea, but it needs to be done more artistically, with the painter's touch.
It looks like I will be the bad man here and give it a three. But I would gladly give it higher if you would fill some of it out. Go to Comment
No no no Manfred. You forget. Every item should bring a unique feel to the world. That is the aim of everything here i suppose, to make the players go "Cool!". I think that this idea is just that. One of those cool ideas that makes gameplay a bit better.
The best part about this item, is that you can give it out to players freely as standard treasure. Not only is it fun and quirky, but it is also very common. Go to Comment
In a hallway is a pit. The pit has something bad at the bottom. The pit isn't very large though. Just large enough not to be walked across, but a good running jump should get you to the other side. The pit however is an illusion, as is the floor on the other side. When the players try to vault over the pit, they fall through the floor on the other side, and find themselves in the real pit. Go to Comment
Near the top of a wizards tower, after following a long set of curved stair up, there is a door. To the left of this door, hidden by a wall tapestry , is a sealed room full of water. At the bottom of the stairs, is a set of spikes.
It's simple, force the lock, the water seal breaks, the hallway gets flooded, and the players get pushed to the bottom of the stairs, where the spikes are there to greet them.
Except for one problem. The door is a fake. The water sealed room is the real door, with just enough real water behind it to look like it is holding back the great flood.
Picking the lock on the fake door won't work, because noting is locked. If the players manage to actually bash through the wall, they will find a very long fall. The door leads outside the tower. Go to Comment
To clarify, the Dai Kiri aren't poor. By the time they had created this item, they were pretty powerful as far as underground organizations went, and they had a few good mages under their belt. Go to Comment